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He Loves Me, but doesn't want the relationship now


BellaSophia
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update: I saw him on friday night, spent the night with him, and had a grand ol' time. I figured it all out. He's younger than I am(he's 18, I'm 20), and I realized he wants to have more time to be with his friends and fix his car and focus on school and blah blah blah. I asked him about it and he admitted that I was right. He said that he loved me and did miss being with me, but by the end our arguing was tiring and he doesn't want to go back to that. We haven't really argued since our breakup(about 3 months ago), but we do see each other sporadically, talk regularly, and we've slept together every other week or so. I don;t know how that happens, and I know he's not the type who "uses" people for that...I guess it's just as confusing as it is for me.

 

The thing is, is it normal for a young guy to want free time to be with his friends and on his own and just let go of a long term relationship? Did he run away from working problems out? Choosing one lifestyle over another? should I take this personally? Blah, sorry for all the questions, I guess I just need some feedback. If anyone has gone through anything similar, please feel free to share your thoughts.

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From what you've told us her at enotalone, I dont think you should take it personally. Also, in my opinion, sleeping together after a breakup is emotionally unhealthy- but thats up to you I guess. I thik you should talk to him, set some standards. If you want a better relationship, then tell him properly. But I think the healthiest solution is to either revive the relationship, or to stop seeing him. You have to make a choice here. And yes, his behaviour reflects the nature of men at his age- maybe he doesnt want that lifestyle yet.

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dunno who is using who, but who cares if both of you are having fun, right?

 

unfortunately, you don't seem to be having as much fun, cos you want more than this and he doesn't.

 

as far as i can see it, this is just a sex and fun thing. what you see as love, is mostly likely just good feelings - he gets sex without strings attached. not a bad thing in itself, so long as you're willing to go along without further expectations.

 

love is when he cares for you, cares for your feelings, and works something out to balance out freedom and commitment. cos when there is sufficient commitment, freedom is found too. i think he is too immature at this stage (or maybe for the rest of his life)

 

if you are happy and secure, i think you will grant him the time to be with his friends, etc. and he will treasure the time he has with you, and not feel that you are always wanting more of his 24 hours a day.

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Thanks for the feedback, guys. We spoke last night about the whole situation and he said neither of us were at fault for the failing of the relationship, but it just didn't work out. It took me a while to understand that, but I get it now. We also agreed not to talk for a while.

 

Yea, he's young, but at the same time, I know that if he didn't break it off, we would have hated each other by now because of the silly arguing that was going on. I guess he did the right thing for both of us, and the reason we stayed talking and hanging out is because we were both having a tough time letting go. We said our goodbyes and it felt so surreal and horrible, but sometimes you have to let things go to see if they come back to you, you know? Ugh, I hate that stupid saying.

 

I just want to know how I can deal with not talking to him? He means a lot to me, and I know I mean a lot to him, too, but like he said "It just didn't work out." Do you guys agree with that? Like, if things just aren't going well, it's better to leave it the way it is rather than keep trying to fix things and make things worse? Is it possible for people to not work out now but work out later on? Bleh, I feel so silly, man. My heart just has to get over it, but even he said that he'll always love me no matter what and all he wants to do now is focus himself, and that I should do the same. Could it be that we're just too young?

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I just want to know how I can deal with not talking to him?

* talk to your mates, talk him out of your system. this forum is a good place for that

 

* do fun stuff you have always done alone (if you do things that recall him, that just brings back the memories)

 

* when you're home alone, keep yourself distracted. being lonely just makes you wish you weren't. but stay away from snacks. taking up some homecraft helps. so plan your time at home. don't be idle, or you'll just mope. sleep according to plan. and if you find it hard to sleep, don't start popping pills or watch tv till you knock out. try alternatives like aromatheraphy or bedtime music or count sheep (if your maths is good).

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lol@if i can count sheep

Thanks a ton for the advice. I'm already trying to make plans for this weekend, and work and school keep me beyond busy, so I hope I'll be okay. This place is actually a lot more comforting than this other board I used to post in. It's an msn board called "Breakup Survival" and the people there were so bitter(with the exception of a few). If you even hinted one sense of "I feel like he loves me and in the future it'll be okay", they would hound you by saying, "No that's what I thought too and it's all a lie."

That would get me so frustrated. blah! But again, thank you for the recommendations.

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  • 2 years later...

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