What is the right way to go about this

[diverp]

I met a girl over a year ago. We fell in love very quickly. We were perfect until about Christmas time, she was expecting me to propose to her. Well, long story short, I didn't propose because I didn't think it was quite time yet, I wanted to be with her more than 6 months before moving on (which I know would happen anyways). Well for the past 9 months, we have been on again and off again. We would get back together and be fantastic for a few weeks or a month. Then she would get distant and I would see that and I would feel like I am messing things up. THis happened several times. I found out that she had a history of depression, she had a bad childhood with an abusive father, and she had been in relationships with 28+ guys. She told me these things expecting me to be upset and was surprised when I essentially told her that it was not something for me to be upset about. She had a history and that was that. I was very understanding about it. Well, we were good again for a while, then it all started again. Our relationship was very different since that Christmas. I don't know if she felt that since I didn't propose that I didn't love her or what. Since, she has started seeing a therapist to deal with her past. We tried seeing a therapist togeher for a while (hers) for couples therapy and that didn't work very well. I continued to tell her how much I love her because I really do. Well, about a month ago she said that she didn't have the same feelings that she had about the relationship last year. She said she loved me but her feelings had been whittled away at over the last 10 months. I kept trying to tell her how much I love her and if we were together, it was obvious that she was still in love with me (long, extended hugs that she wouldn't want to give up, etc.) However, things turned to email and mail and she could more easily say that she now needed time to heal and get better. I told her I loved her and she came back with an email saying: "I appreciate your efforts, however those same efforts are making me uncomfortable. I need closure to this relationship now. I don't have the same feelings towards this relationship that I had last year, and until we both move on and allow things to heal I don't see any chance of them coming back".

Now she still maintained that she wants space and time to heal (which I can only just be able to grasp and understand). And I can tell from her past comments and from this last exchange, infering that the feelings could come back, but after she has had time, that she is still in love with me. I know that if I were to show up at her house and get my foot in the door, we could hug and we could be loving again (for a while). SHe has told me before that she needs the room because when I am around it is too easy for her to slip back into loving me and (I infer) that it is more difficult for her to "heal". Now, these last few weeks have been hell because all I do is think about her. I know she thinks about me and wants to be with me. Do I lose her if I just let her go, and then try to start a "new" relationship with her when she is ready? I lose her anyways, I fear, if I keep pushing her and she is not ready. Am I safe in assuming that if she has had feelings for me for the last year, that those won't just go away and she would have those again when we meet again? I feel like a cliche in that I want her back, and she says that she needs time to work on herself, except that knowing about her past with men, she really does need time to become happy with herself and figure out her problems with relationships in the past. Is it a smart course of action to let her go, and then see where things lie in say 3 months, 6 months a year? Do I wait for her to contact me? Do I call her or send her a Christmas card and feel out the situation then? THis is all very confusing. I know I have deep love for her. I know she has feelings for me. SHe has said so and her actions say confirm that to me. I don't understand why when two people have love for each other that space apart is the best answer.

[redparadise78]

You might feel like you are up against the sword on the wall, you feel trapped. You know what, it is understandable that you love this girl, and you know what she loves you too, i can tell this by the way you express yourself about her. But you have to understand that her childhood was very traumatic, she needs time to heal herself so she won't destroy the relationship and with that the love she has for you, she needs to resolver inner issues about herself and her abusive father that have led her to be the was she has been with men. Don't lose her, if you love her tell her, but let her know that she needs to take care of herself and that if you guys want a future together then u guys need to get out of this together, in marriage things only get more challenging, but with challenge endurance, respect and love for another. Give her time to heal but you by her side, i dont mean be with her 24/7, but let her know you wont' abandon her or hurt her. If you abandon her she will see you like that father of hers that made her feel empty, sad and confused. only together you can work things out. If you can't do it together then i guess it was a good idea that you didnt' propose!

[diverp]

For the longest time, she wouldn't even go to a therapist. She said she was planning on doing this and never would (couldn't get the courage up to do it). I am glad she finally got to the point of seeing she can get help from outside. I think that she has very little trust for people (which is understanding). She has been adament that she needs to do this "on her own" before she can move forward with us. THat is what is painful. I want to help so badly, but she won't let me. And I am afraid that if I contact her and push her now (when she has asked for time alone) I will alienate her. I have told her that I am always here for her and how much I love her. I can see that she wants to figure out the problems with relationships in her life. She not only has difficulties with relationships with men, but with friends, family and co-workers.

 

I want to be there for her, but I feel that if I do anything more, things will go badly. She feels like this year has been a hurtful one because of the way our relationship went, yet she wants to heal and improve herself. She has told me that I have always been there for her when nobody else has. She has told me that I have "raised the bar" as far as what she expects from men (I am not sure how to take that). She has told me that our relationship has been the best one she has ever been in, but she is depressed about what has happened this year. I suppose I need to learn patience. I guess I am expecting things to happen "right now" and being the kind of person I am, it is difficult to stand back and be helpless and have faith in her and our relationship. It is a big growing/learning experience. She deserves to be happy and I want that to be with me in time.

[BleedBlack]

When I read your post it seemed like you were talking about my life. I'm going through the same thing as you, my ex was upset that I didn't propose to her after 3 months of dating, and now almost a year of being together she says she doesn't feel the same way that she used to about me. She still loves me but not in a romantic way. She says she wants to be with me forever but just as friends.

 

Ive posted here before and everyone told me to let her go, take a break from her, no contact at all. All my friends and my parents think it's a good descision too. I think you should do the same. Being around her is only going to delay the healing process and push her further away. You need to take a break from her, move on with your life, and let her do the same.

 

If you love something let it go and if it comes back then it was meant to be. I think that the only chance of her coming back to you is if you do this, after all, she can't miss you and want you back if your around her all the time. She may start to realize how good she had it with you and she may start to miss that. But don't go on waiting for her to want you back, move on with your life and hopefully she will come back, if not then there's always other women out there.

 

Good luck, and PM me if you want because I'm going through the same thing. My ex broke up with me a month ago and i'm starting the break from her tomorrow.

[diverp]

BleedBlack, thank you. It is always a little helpful to hear someone who has gone through the same thing (although I would never wish this on anyone). I have really struggled with this (and I do every day). BUt the more I think of it, the more I think you are right. First, I care enough about her (no matter what our situation is right now) for her her to get the help and healing she needs to have a happy life. Second, from what our lives have been like together in the past, I am pretty sure she sees me as the best "boyfriend" or sig other she has had. Now, I know we have had our share of problems, and I know I am to blame for my share of those. So maybe you and her are both right. Maybe she needs to have that time to heal and, like you said, if I just don't contact her, leave her alone and let her come to her own conclusions about what she wants with me, (maybe touch base with her in 5 or 6 months) then maybe she will be ready for a true lasting relationship. I honestly am starting to see that even if we were to get together right now, the same pattern would happen again. She needs to get past her problems (with her therapy and simply with time). And I honestly need to heal after this roller coaster of 10 months. I really want to be with her, but I gladly give her time to "heal". In the meantime, I guess all I can do is try to stay busy, do some projects and maybe some self improvement wouldn't hurt. Again, thanks again for your help.