Problems in my marriage

[John Bendix]

She sounds mentally and emotionally exhausted and cannot take on anymore responsibility. Especially the responsibility (pressure) of satifying you sexually. Can you enjoy just being with her without turning it into a sexual encounter? Even without putting her on the spot for sex, she still feels the pressure from you. Take the pressure off. Just enjoy being together and the sex will come.

[k_1971]

Thanks, John.

 

I've tried this, or at least I feel I have. I deliberately avoided mentioning it for several weeks and it made no difference. when I brought it up she said that she thought I didn't want it and that it suited her. She's told me several times that sex isn't important to her, and that she could happily live without it. when we are alone after the children have been put to bed, she's usually the one who reaches for the TV remote or a book, so that's my cue to disappear through to the room next door to listen to some music and browse the web.

 

on the few occasions we do have sex, she doesn't want to do anything other than the usual position, which is frustrating as well. We used to be a bit adventurous but now she tells me that she doesn't like the things and positions we used to try.

[John Bendix]

Well, it sounds like she has some emotional issues and not just ones with you. Her emotional issues are the ones that she hasto deal with. I have a brother in a similiar situation and they are going to counseling. In addition the counselor suggested that his wife seek additional therapy for her issues separate from the ones she has with my brother. She has closed down emotionally jsut like your wife seems to have been doing. A good therapist will attempt to get her to see that this is a dysfunctional way to deal with the world and her relationship(s).

 

Sorry, but the emotional wall that she has erected will not let you through and any attempt by you to "get through" will force her to build a bigger one for her own perceived emotional self protection.

 

John

[3boys]

It definitely sounds like there's something medical going on. Possibly post-partum depression or a hormonal imbalance. Having kids wreaks havoc on your hormones and they aren't the same after as they were before (for some people). I'd encourage her to go see someone....a doctor, psychologist, counselor, whatever.

[swedish]

It sounds like what I just went through the last several years of my marriage. I'm not sure if it's related but my husband and I had a great sex life in the beginning. My desire/drive went to none over time and it really had a lot to do with feeling like I was only there to help everyone else (work full time, raise kids, cook, clean, pay bills, etc.) and seemed to only get complaints or them wanting more. My husband has always been romantic and sweet, bringing me flowers, etc. but at some point I started to feel it was just to get sex. I didn't feel he was stepping up to help me with the house, going out with the kids and I as a family, etc. Since sex for me (and many women) is more emotional than physical I need to feel loved and connected to my partner and that was lacking. Anyway, it all came to a head a few months ago...he met a woman at work and I found out right away (kissing at lunch took place but no sex...although it would have led to that pretty quickly i'm sure)...we had a long talk and many since...we both decided we wanted to make our marriage work...since then he has made me feel very loved...and our sex life is better than ever...I cannot say that him meeting someone else was a good thing and I would not recommend to anyone to fill voids within their marriage by going outside of the marriage, but to figure out what voids are there in your wife's life and how you can fill them...if she feels whole it will make all the difference.

[John Bendix]

swedish,

 

All Right, a success story! Where would you two have gone if you refused to walk and talk with him? Down the slippery road that many of us have gone down on our way to divorce.

 

I commend you for opening up the lines of communication. So many have "shut down" at the point that you were at. Feeling overwhelmed is not a reason for divorce. Some perceive that it is their only way to being happy again and simply put up the wall in order to protect themselves from further unpleasant emotions.

[lostandadrift]

I think Swedish gave the best insight yet in this thread. Sex for women is completely EMOTIONAL. If we are not feeling that emotional connection, we don't need sex. And there is nothing more draining than being a working, married mom, and everywhere you turn you find more responsibility for meeting someones needs.

Is your wife angry at you for some reason? Her behavior sounds slightly passive-aggressive and controling. She may have other bigger issues with you she feels she cannot talk to you about for some reason. Do you feel your "connection" with her is still there? Find that connection and make it strong and your problem will be solved.

[Hellzapoppin]

Her behavior sounds slightly passive-aggressive and controling.

 

Also, you are MARRIED. The responsibility for your sex life, shouldn't ALL be on you. You are in this to-ge-ther, at least, you should be......your wife isn't doing her part, plus, her admitting that she really didn't like your prior sex life, sounds like she was dishonest, as well. Something is very wrong here. She needs to step up and be honest about what's wrong.

[toni1998]

I can feel your pain dude. Is she taking any medications? My wife started taking adderall and that was causing her to crash in the evening. I was basically coming home to emotionless person every night. We finally figured out that it was a side effect from a drug. But that was causing MAJOR problems in our relationship.

 

My point is sometimes the most complicated issued have the simplest answers. And remember be a MAN. Don't whine or beg. Once you lose respect for yourself how can you expect anyone to respect you? Good luck

[bewilderment]

k_1971,

 

You could be my husband (in fact his name begins with k, but he was born in 1973 We have a 5 month old and a 3 year old, and we have not had sex, well, pretty much since we conceived our second child. We tried a few times during the pregnancy, but you know how much fun that is.

 

I am trying to put myself in your wife's shoes. Is your baby still in sleeping in your room? That would be difficult for me to want to have sex with the baby in the room. What other issues are there? Finances? Our money problems I can tell you have been the root of our "no sex" problem for years. Another possibility...does she feel self-conscious about her body? I know since the birth of my second, I have not felt very sexy. Ask her how she is feeling about herself (in the nicest way possible Assuming you think so, give her genuine compliments about her appearance.

 

What other relationship issues, BESIDES SEX, are there? I'm sure you can find you answer if those are worked on. If everything is good between the two of you, and she is not stressed out about anything, she may come around.

[bulletproof]

I have never been married, but I have had several long-term relationships that ended with a similar problem that you describe. In two of my relationships, I stopped wanting to have sex with my boyfriend. The first incident occurred because I was so resentful towards him (which of course I only realized in hindsight). He was depressed a lot and I felt like we were always talking about his problems, and I started to resent him, resulting in diminishing sexual feelings. The second relationship in which it occurred was different; I had never been crazy about the way he kissed and the way we had sex, and that just got worse over time. I also resented that he was not very ambitious and was very isolated from others. The third time it happened, I was on the other side of it. My bf of three years stopped wanting to have sex with me, so I know how that rejection feels. I think, again, that it was resentment. I think he resented me because he held in his feelings about me sometimes, when he was angry or upset. We never fought, and that created problems. He just let it build up and build up until he didn't find me attractive sexually any longer.

 

I guess my point is that in all three cases, no matter what side of the fence I was on, it was all about resentment. Could your wife resent you for something? I know you are trying really hard, but maybe her view of the situation is completely different. I also think the posters who pointed out how much pregnancy and childbirth wreaks havoc on the hormones are right. Maybe that is how biology keeps us from having too many children too close- it stunts our desire shortly after giving birth.

 

The only advice I can give is to back off. Insist on marriage counseling in the meantime, but I know for myself that the more I felt like I was being pressured for sex (even though, in fairness, there wasn't really all that much pressure), the more I pulled away and resisted. As you are probably aware, it becomes an even bigger issue once it's put out on the table. It may take a while, but eventually she will want and need sex. I know that sounds awful and frustrating for you, but sometimes we have to withdraw to make ourselves more desirable to someone else.

[pcnb4e]

there is nothing u can do, ur married ur gonna have 2 wait on her or talk it over ,if those 2 suggestins dont work then ur out of luck

[Melody77]

Hi,

 

I've read she doesn't want to talk about it but I would say she HAS to. As a woman, I know it can be exhausting to be a wife, a mom, to work, etc... But YOU have the right to be happy... If sexual life is important to you, she should take your concern into consideration like any other problem. You know what I mean. It's not because it is 'sex' that it is not important.

 

Just remain the same - as nice and helpful as you are right now - but don't give up and explain how important it is to you and how bad it makes you feel to be rejected like that. You might even want to tell her that you understand that sex is not necessary for her anymore but ask her what she expects you to do... because your feeling and desire hasn't changed.

 

Like any other problem, you guys have to talk about it seriously. If she had a problem (of any kind), I think she would appreciate if you listened to what she had to say...

 

Don't give up!! And try not to cheat on her because you're going to end up being the bad person... and will regret it. Think about your kids!!

 

Good Luck!

[k_1971]

Its been a while since I posted on this, so I think it's time for an update.

 

After months of getting nowhere, things came to a head around New Year, for a number of reasons, one of them being my disclosing past abuse/issues that my wife was completely unaware of. Emotionally I hit a low ebb and was almost admitted to hospital as I was on the verge of a suicide attempt.

After some arguments, in which I told her that I was struggling to see it working, we agreed to have another attempt at making it work.

 

She's been making an effort to be more physical in our marriage, but for some reason it's just not clicking. she still seems disinterested and that is affecting me. we had a bit of an argument the other night, in which she said "first you want more sex, NOW you want me to be enthusiastic" and I was a bit hurt by that. I just want her to respond in a loving and sexual way, rather than just letting me get on with it. Due to the nature of my medication I'm struggling to 'perform' as it were so I'm finding her lack of enthusiasm a problem.

 

I admit that things are a bit better than they were but I don't know what the next stage is, if there is one. it seems such a long hard struggle so far and I don't know what to do. We've been arguing about it again unfortunately. and its making me feel like giving up again.

[Melody77]

I'm really sorry it didn't get better.

 

At this point, I really believe the problem is something more that 'wanting or not wanting' to have sex.

 

My friend had the same problem with her husband. She didn't desire him anymore (she had never really been into sex - she would want him from time to time but not as often as any 'normal' couple - but lately, it was like NEVER). So she got into a fight which made her feel really bad and she felt like talking to me about it. I tried to understand and thought that maybe they had a communication issue... you know when you don't dare talking to your partner/telling them what you like/need, you feel unconfortable and often you end up being frustrated. Anyway, after a while, she eventually told me that SHE had been abused as a child and that everytime she made love, she felt dirty. She said that sometimes she's okay and desires her husband etc... but other times, she just can't. I guess everybody is different in this kind of situations. I talked to her recently and she said she talked to her doctor (about the desire problem not about the abuse) and he made her stop her pills and that helped a lot... I am not sure she's not trying to convince herself that it was all about hormonal issues but it could be possible...

 

If you love your wife, you shouldn't give up. Try to talk to her again and maybe try to convince her to go to counseling or to see a sexologist. Problems in the bedroom are often the reflection of other problems you have with your partner (communication, love, resentment, etc...).

 

Good luck!