Boyfriend Taking Pictures of Other Women

[wonderer]

First, I want to thank you all for helping me with my last post - Is My Boyfriend Addicted to Porn? All of your advice really helped. Now I have another problem and I need your help/advice again.

 

I was on our computer the other day looking for a picture so I could print it and I discovered that my boyfriend had made a stop in Zephyr Cove (near South Lake Tahoe in CA). For his job he drives alot and he was on his way to Reno, NV to do a job and apparently made a stop at this beach near the lake. Well, he had his digital camera with him and he took seventeen pictures of three different women in their bikinies who were playing volleyball. It was obvious that these women had no idea that he was taking these pictures. I asked him where the pictures came from and he said that he had taken them a long time ago and had recently found them, however I know that's not true because he hasn't had this camera very long and he had just come back from Reno the previous day. He then got furious at me and accused me of snooping. I've acutally not ever seen him that angry which I thought was a little strange. I really was not going to make a big deal of the pictures, however he's the one that got so made at me. We actually almost broke up over this.

 

I'm not sure what bothered me more....the fact that he lied or the fact that he actually took these pictures. I think it's kind of strange, but would like to know what you think. He says he would never cheat on me, but now I don't know. If he can lie about this, then he can lie about anything. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[charmed]

Hi There Wonderer !

 

I think I was answering your past posts on the porn. It's really simple. He's been taking pictures of girls playing vollyball - probably in Bikinis I guess. You have no idea of why he took them. You confronted him, and he got defensive about it. He is now angry, because he is in the situation.

 

If you think he is a lier because of his hiding this situation, then you should break up with him, and leave this relationship alone. You can not keep coming back to this issue again and again and fighting about it. Eventually, it will become a farce. he can lie about anything anyway, and you might not know.

 

You weren't going to make a big deal of the pictures? What exactly did you think would happen when you brought them up - he would say - "yeah, hot chicks on the beach" - "took some photos for the guys to see", and you would have said "OK, thats fine" ? What positive outcome were you expecting from bringing this before him ?

[DREAM]

Ok I think that your bf to be totally blunt, wants to experience and you know how guys are with different woman. He just wants to see what is out there.

If I was in your shoes I would ask him if he still feels the same about you.

If not that give him a real good night to remember to show him your still here and what you have or can give his something no one else can.

[Princess777]

Hello,

 

I advise not to waste any more time on this guy. He obviously has a problem that needs professional help. He will never change until HE wants to. You sound very intelligent and loving and too good for him. Go to the beach yourself and find some more fish in the sea!

 

Princess777

[closer_nin]

Listen, this guy likes porn and likes to take pictures of other women and keep them on his computer.... hello???? Maybe at first you had the big dream that if you moved closer, worked harder, and accepted his ideals and life styles that maybe he would come around. Well I wouldn't say that you didn't try, but I would say that enough is enough. If you consider yourself to be in your "prime" and he's still looking at other women who are nonexistent to him and you're right there... its time to go. Time is money, and your life is not worth being spent by someone one who doesn't appreciate the value of you. Its ok to have a hobby, but when this hobby affects the realtionship and what's really important then you really need to think about it. Trust is key in any relationship, friendship or otherwise. If he lied to you, then what else do you not know about him that he will never tell you about. What else has he benn up to? I'm not saying he has, but if you know for sure he did what he did and he is trying to cover up, then the trust factor is gone. You trust your body and heart with him, yet he lies to you....hmmmm check your head and your heart this time... maybe its time to check out.... peace

[wonderer]

Charmed.

 

Because of the past porn problem w/ him, I wasn't and didn't make a big deal about it because it really wasn't a big deal. I mean, we watch porn together now, on occasion. I guess I was hoping he would just say, "yea, I stopped to eat lunch and found these people playing volleyball and took some pictures". He denied it instead. I think he got so mad because he knew he had been caught doing something that most people do not do and most people would think that it was weird. He has said that I'm his best friend and that he has no secrets, but I'm finding that this may not be true. Am I making too big a deal out of this?

[Shyguy24]

Hey I was a porn addict , but once I went out with my girlfriend I hardly looked at it like it was funny that it stopped appealing to me that much , but with her around I didn’t need it.

 

I guess what I am saying is that I realized that in a funny sort of way that I was ant respecting my girlfriends feelings by looking at porn , and I guess it also came naturally when I could hug and be with another human being I didn’t need porn.

 

I think this is a very serious matter and you should take it very seriously , if it affects you a lot. I mean if my gf went around taking pictures of other guys even for fun , I wouldn’t find it amusing

Keep in mind how does this one incident affect your relationship and then talk to him.

[charmed]

Wonderer,

 

If you guys went to a film - like.....em.....The Recruit, and Colin Farrell (we hate him in Ireland!!!) appears, and your thinking ..MMMMmm MMMmm MMMM - Honey,..,,..,., Would you tell your boyfriend....wow...he's a total babe......or would you say nothing. Would you expect your boyfriend to put up with that - and where is the line drawn? I have to say - fair respects to you for dealing with the porn issue - well done. That also tells me that you can deal with this aswell - though I don't think theres any big problem to be honest. He's embarressed because he was caught off guard, not because of the nature of the pictures themselves. Hey, he could have been taking some Vollyball shots, and because of the way you found them, he was totall caught off guard. And hey, what if he was taking pictures of the girls? What is the real harm to your relationship? He kept a secret. I want you to tell me that you have never or never will - under any circumstances keep a secret from your man. There are always reasons and things that we keep private - be it something from our past, to an opinion to whatever. Don't be too worried about it. I can't imaging you would have been too happy if he had come home - running in the door - "Come on, check this lot out !!!".

 

Whats the other side of the coin - well - he is not attracted by the sex in your relationship any more. Possible, but only you would know - and if you have integrated the porn into the bedroom, it's unlikely. I told you before......I was wit a long term girlfriend for a few years. The first 1.5 years, I didn't look at my porn collection at all -in fact I threw it all out. After the 1.5 years, I found myself drifting back to it ever so slightly. It didn't effect out relationship, well, it did a bit, as my girlfriend was the most unadventurous sexual partner, and the sex got boring, and then non existent, but thats a long story for another day. How is your sex life - really - is it great, middle, or slow? Is there any possible reason that he is looking elsewhere because of problems in the bedroom? If not, then I would say - talk to him about it, and get to the bottom of what is really going on. We can speculate all day about this, but communication as always with him will be more successful for you!!!

[wonderer]

Charmed/Shyguy24,

 

Yea, I guess in some ways you are right.....we all have secrets that we don't want to share. I KNOW that he is not cheating on me, but I think it's creepy that he's taking these pictures and these women don't even know it. I'm not sure I would want someone doing that to me. Most of these pictures are of this womans butt (he's a butt man). He's taken pictures like this before when the two of us were together on the beach and he said he wanted a good one to send in to link removed, so maybe that's what he's doing. Your right Shyguy 24, if I was the one taking the pics, I'm sure he would NOT be happy about it, he's a jealous person anyway.

 

As far as our sex life goes, we have improved in this area greatly since the porn issue. The only problem we seem to have is that I'm 36 years old and in my prime (he's 41), thereforeeee I want sex ALOT more then he seems to want it. He says this is not a problem for him, however sometimes I feel like I'm abnormal because I'm always coming onto him and several times he has acutally told me that he was too tired. We play and experiment and watch porn together on occasion and he says that I completely satisfy him and that our sex life is not boring (not like it used to be). We've learned to be very open with each other about our needs and our wants in this area. I really don't think that this is the problem.

 

Maybe what I need to do is just wait it out and see if it happens again and then really confront him about it. I do know that if this continues I HAVE to tell him that I know he took the pictures with his new camera and that they were not "old" pictures. There comes a point where he's got to know that I'm not dumb and that I really know whats going on. Then if it doesn't stop I will have no choice but to move on (and who know's maybe I'll find a man that can deal with my sexual appetite). Any other comments/suggests would be helpful and thank you for all so far.

 

Shyguy24 - You should be very proud that you were able to stop the porn problem that you had. I know that it takes alot to be able to do that.