trying to get closure

[persephonesleeps]

I thought we were trying to remain friends...but it turned out I was the only one willing to invest emotionally.

I sent a letter last Thursday...and no response.

I have this funny feeling that when I least expect it, I am going to be contacted.

It was an on again/off again relationship (three years)...and then we had an on again/off again break-up!

Has anyone else had a hard time just letting go and stopping all contact for several months?

I can do the no contact thing for about a month, and then I just cave in.

I don't think friendship is possible, because a friend wouldn't treat me like this.

Any advice would be great!

[Archivist]

Hey i'm going through the same thing at the moment too. I said i would like to be friends, she tried to be my friend afterwards. But how can i be friends with someone who broke mt heart like she did? I guess time will heal.

 

I am also trying the no contact rule, but i broke that today by messaging them on MSN i'll try harder next time, altho is pretty akward with us being invited to the same social gatherings with our friends. I know i'll just run into her sometime soon.

 

I just wanted to let you know, i understand what your going through, good luck, and be strong.

[persephonesleeps]

Thank you for your advice, both of you.

It's good to not feel all alone.

I think if it was truly meant to be, I would not feel so sad about it all.

I know there is someone out there who I would be much more compatible with...and I won't find that person (or even notice that person) until I let this all go!

No contact is very hard, and I sympathize with anyone trying it.

[dksh44]

yes your not alone i went through the same for six months i would call her she would be nice if her family was there she was a a**hole!! lead me on got a epo against me charged me with a epo violation sent her a flower and teddy bear wow i violated her lol didnt show for the epo violation charged with contempt stayed a week in jail no bond hadnt even been served with the court date lol they throwed it out and i was ordered to stay out of her county lol wow any way i slept with her in july she had epo against since april we dated up to end of july then when i sent her the rose and teddybear bamm!! jail bird here lol!! you tell me what happen im 44 and to old for this junk!! but it happens every day dont call it will get better trust me hang in there good luck!!!!

[mike-e-mike]

I know how you feel aswell i am trying not to contact my ex, she doesnt seem to have a problem with not contacting me! But even though i think i dont want to and i think i dont need to...there are still times where i find it really hard not to call. But what would i say?

 

Just run the conversation over in your head and you know it wont go well, so don't call. Thats what works for me, anyway. Good luck.

[persephonesleeps]

that's good advice...because when I think about how we communicate I don't get a good feeling at all...it always seemed like no matter what I said, the other person just didn't 'hear' what I was saying

[BrokenHeartedButNotOut]

My ex broke up with me about 4 months ago. We are trying to be friends and so far its working. Only because we want this friendship, we both want it. I have decided and he has too, that we are going to remain friends. I told him that the statistics are against us and he got mad about that, Because he says that we make the choices in our life, yes the odds are against us, but its up to us how we choose to deal with the things that happened to us in our relationship. Only we know what we can do with whats left.

 

I dont know if this helped at all, sometimes its hard for me to convey what I mean without being to talk to the person. I just want you to know that you are not alone, this sort of stuff happens all the time in relationships. If this ex of yours isnt willing to work on the friendship, then its time to move on...I know its hard...I really do, but it has to be done. You need to be able to move on and find another love.

[persephonesleeps]

Thanks for your advice.

I'm glad that you are able to maintain a friendship with your ex...that takes a lot of maturity and readiness...and hopefully one of you is not still in love with the other...because that could hurt a lot if she/he meets someone else.

I know that I need to move on...and actually posting here is helping me to do that.

I don't want someone who doesn't want me...and I don't want to try to be friends with someone if that isn't mutual.

I'm starting to realize that it just isn't meant to be.

I have one worry though...what if I am contacted later on?

How do I resist falling into the push/pull pattern all over again?

[redparadise78]

Is there friendship after a break up? In reality you cannot be friends with ur ex. I believe that you can become aquaintances, but other than that I doubt it, maybe we get it in our heads that frienship is a way to keep the peace between the two, but you know what? Frienship is just an excuse to not let go. We want to still remain close to those we care for, because not knowing about them will hurt us more. But the thing is that by remaining there it is harder for one to attain closure and emotionally detach from one another. Besides a friend, a true friend, tells u everything success, failure, love, etc...do you really want to hear about ur ex's new love? No u DON'T!! I'm a fair believer of this....keep close if you have it in your heart the determination to try to work things out, sometimes we can work things out but we need time away first, u know think things through. If you truly feel that ur hurting with this person, let go, u might find out that as aquaintances u are better giving each other a chance to be happy with someone else.

[dino-prime]

well my ex said she wanted more than anything to stay my friend but she doesn't seem to be keeping her end of the bargin.

 

which is good i sent her a txt last nite which she got pissed off at and tried to hurt me by saying she has met someone else. well ive got a couple of irons in the fire myself.

 

her telling me that actually let me let go of her cuz i knew she was going to be happy. i know the chap he's a nurse at my hospital and is by all accounts a good bloke. im a haemotogist btw.

 

i rang her this morning to apologise for the bad tone of the texts and she apologise to me for being cruel, she said it first which was nice.

 

she isnt going out w/ him but they are developing a friendship which is cool cuz that is what i am doing too.

 

i dont think we are going to be best friends or even close friends once the dust settles, but we have said to each other not to be a stranger. so a call once in awhile and a card at b'days and xmas if i remember

 

i can finally let my life take me where it should the uncertainty is over and my heart is back with me.

 

i hope everything works outs for all u guys and gals

 

cheers dean

[persephonesleeps]

I am doing 'no contact'...some days are really hard.

I have been journalling like mad!

I haven't run into the ex recently, which has helped tremendously.

I am realizing more and more everyday that my ex would have never had the courage to have a face-to-face conversation with me so that we could both have some closure and move on.

For all you other people out there seeking closure, don't wait around for your ex! Try to get closure on your own, so that you can get on with your life.

We all deserve to be treated with love and respect!

[dj88jj67]

You definitely aren't alone (and I'm glad to see I'm not too) in this fight to get closure and let go. Sometimes we'll never get closure and it's something we have to accept. I have tried and tried again to get it and it doesn't work. I'm not getting what I want and I doubt I ever will.

 

My ex turned out to be a pathological liar and now I'm sickly obsessed with finding out the truth about everything....his feelings, his life, etc. I know, logically, that I'm not going to ever get all of my questions answered, but I still can't let go and move on. I still remain in contact with him because I just want some darn answers!

 

It's hard...you just have to fight...and you have to find people that understand and have been through the same things...because if someone has not been through it they won't understand and they'll treat you like you're some fool.

[jilted]

after being in a relationship for 2.5 yrs and then my gf(ex) changing her mind came as a blow to me. believe me there wasnt one trick in the book that i didnt try to get her back. from tears to psychics to horoscopes etc etc. guess i pushed her further away. was reading somewhere of the 50% rule. for a girl to break up the interest level has to fall below 50% and in her mind she has already gone through the pros and cons. guess guys are not so calculating. we are a slave of our whims and definitely we dont see things through when faced with a situation we didnt expect. its the continous fight or flight response. i am trying to let go. day by day by day. still the hurt is so much on the surface. but i am going to get there. finally i have made peace with the pain and hurt... and with the cruel fact that she is not coming back to me. period... just accept that going through this painful phase is a given. dont fight it. let it wash through your system. and grieve you must with the hope that one day you will come out of it. believe me how many of us will remember this board when we are having a good time with our mates.... so hang in there.... it gets worse and then it gets better. it wont happen overnight but surely it will happen. give it time cause that is all you have.....

 

remember you are the captain of your ship and the master of your soul....

 

 

god bless us all.

[persephonesleeps]

Thanks everyone for your advice and for sharing your stories.

I like the point that one day we will on be looking back at this board!

 

I wish everyone well.

Let's all stay strong!

[diverp]

I have been in the exact same kind of relationship until just recently. I lived with my girlfriend for about 6 months. Long story short, things happened that made it so we just were not the same from that point on. So for the next 10 months, we have had a on again off again relationship. We would argue and split up. Either she would contact me or the other way around about a month later. This cycled for about 10 months. We went to counseling. We tried no contact (but that only lasted for a month at the longest). If we emailed, things got cold and detached and worse (when we both still wanted a relationship). We tried being just friends (which was very confusing because I would just be adjusting to that, and then she would get intimate when I was at her place and it would all start again). We just couldn't be friends because of that OR we would get very distant and more like business partners and we didn't like that. About a month ago we had our last argument and split. Since, she has sent me emails going from "maybe we could have coffee sometime in a month" to "I need closure in this relationship and can't speak to you". That really hurt. I feel like I was always there for her (once she was suicidal) and I made her feel better. And then she did this. I understand she hurts and wants to get rid of that hurt, but I don't know if she did a very fair thing. So as far as your situation goes, I would say that it comes down to what it is that you really want and how fargone things are. If you are still talking at all and you know that you both have feelings for each other, I would suggest that you both try counseling and take it slowly, don't rush it. I was too impatient and rushed it when I went. I wanted to feel good again now (but that just won't happen). If this won't work and you really want the space, then be open about why you want the space and try to have a mutual understanding as to why you both need it. Email is terrible in that it is a quick and accessable medium to contact a significant other, but it also allows you to write things and express things that maybe haven't been thought out (written in times of weakness). Take things slowly and don't push anything. I think time and patience and thinking of years instead of days is the way to go.

[persephonesleeps]

Thank you for you thoughts.

I am sorry to hear about your situation.

I actually ended up calling my ex...and asked if we could talk with one another, face to face.

My ex said yes, maybe next week...but would not set a date. I did not want to push, so I now have to be patient and wait to be contacted.

I think I did the right thing by calling, because I thought about it for a long time, and I calm, and I was truly prepared to hear 'no I don't want to talk with you'.

I have no idea what will happen...part of me thinks my ex won't even contact me again.

If I don't hear back, do you think I should give up?

How long should I wait to hear back before I call again?

Any advice would be welcome.

Thanks.

[diverp]

I can't really speak as to if you should give up or keep going or how long you should wait as it all depends on a lot of factors. Even though my attempt wasn't successful, partly because I pushed too hard, I like to think that it is always possible to get back with someone and to be able to move on. Maybe I am a little naieve about that, but If you don't try you will always wonder what if. Now, as I was going through this I tended to forget the reasons why we argued and split and only remember the good things, the things that made me love her. Now that we have essentially broke up, I am trying to think to myself "If I were to be walking down the street and met this person for the first time, knowing what I know now about their personality, would I honestly want this person as a friend? Was I more happy with the concept of having the relationship than the relationship itself?". If it is the first one, then it is a relationship that will probably always have problems. If it is the second one, though, then there is definitely something worth fighting for. Which puts the emphasis on what the other person is feeling. How much of the problems are from this other person's behavior? Do you honestly think that this person is able to give himself up to you? If you are pretty sure that this person is still in love with you, then definitely, go for it.

 

Now comes the tough part, how to go about reconnecting. If the relationship is too far gone, I have been told and I agree that it is probably better to avoid contact for long enough for you both to get your lives back to normal and be able to start a NEW relationship with less chance of baggage getting in the way completely. If you are both wanting to make it work now, and it will only work if you both honestly want it to, then I would wait until you are both ready to talk and then REALLY consider seeing a counselor. Believe me, I scoffed at the idea of a therapist, and we finally went to one and it was the biggest mistake I ever did, waiting too long. It really does help if you follow the therapist's guidlines. As far as how long to wait to contact, call him on his offer to talk next week. If he doesn't then you should call. If he is honestly wanting to talk, he will accept the call and be willing to talk.

 

If he gets wishy washy about talking, there is nothing you can do really to turn him around other than taking the longer time apart and re-evaluating.

 

Hope that helps.