Here is the deal!

[Bonzophuebes1]

First I want to thank all of you who have posted comments on my first post entitled "MY first Post". Some of you made me think a little differently or rather about the same things in a different light. To that I say thank you. truly.

However, in the end I feel like I do not care. I do not care about anything or anyone. Sometimes I wish taht phone call would come in that my mom has passed so I can collect the cash and disappear. That is so wrong, I know. Sometimes I wish that my wife will be in a car accident so that I can be alone cause I really have no reason to break up with other than my own selfish needs and wants. ](*,)

 

I am not sure where this stems from, I am not sure if it is my hatred of my job, U.S. Navy. Where I dread going to work everyday. I hate my job, I am a gopher. I have been in 10 years and I want out so bad. I have 2 years left. I am not sure if it stems from things that happened to me when I was a kid which I wont state, just know that it is not something that shuld happen to a child. I dont know if it stems from my lack of guidance as a child, as I gew up pretty wild doing my own thing. I can go on and on as I am sure everyone in this room and on this site can do the same, or they would not be here. I can vent to you or listen to some Dr. psychoanalyze me and put me on meds so I am numb to the world. I would rather smoke weed than be put on anit-depressants again. Or worse, try lithium or something. I am in the medical field so I dont think I need to be seen again to be diagnosed with BiPolar or Severe Mood Disorder. I am happy one minute, not on top of the world but relatively calm anyways and then boom! I am suddenly pissed and want to be alone. It happens all the time. I dont get suicidal, no. Although I did attempt it at age 16. I failed. HA, IRONIC HUH! I dont get violent but I do have the violent thoughts. I dont drink much, a glass of wine a night or maybe an occasional carrolins(baileys irish cream but better and cheaper) and ice.

I see life as it is, it will not get better, for any of us. I do believe in God but I dont believe what we are seeing is the end of the world, though I welcome it. I would imagine the days leading up to the end would be worse than this. I pray to God and well, this isnt one of those cries or lame cliches saying "HE DOESNT HEAR ME OR IS NOT LISTENING' I believe that God has left this world up to us and we are sinful by nature thereforeeee it will always get worse. 7 deadly sins at their best.

 

I have seen the worst death we could go and the peacful way we can leave this life. It does not affect me. It is what it is. I do not believe in fate although if you believe in God and if He knows you better than you and what choices you will make then you would assume we are fated to a life. I know that we do not have that knowledge, thereforeeee free will is ours. I think i just confused myself.

In the end, there is nothing anyone can do to help anyone. We must want to change our lives for whatever purpose that will make us happy. My problem, I have no idea what i want or what will make me happy. I have no desire to figure it out anymore. I am happy sitting home and watching movies and thinking of how crappy my life is. The problem is, I dont know why my life is crappy. ](*,)

[tiredofvampires]

Well, I have a reputation to uphold here, bonzos, lol.

 

But I will say this, that if my other post received no contemplation from you, I think maybe you should take up Satanism.

 

 

[Bonzophuebes1]

TOV, I have no idea what you are talking about!

[tiredofvampires]

Sorry, just thought I'd throw that out there...

 

Funny, I had the same reaction to something you wrote on one of my threads.

 

 

 

Oh well, I don't wanna hijack your new thread with nutty brainstorms! Hope some of my other suggestions made more sense!

[Bonzophuebes1]

yes I took it all in and do what I do best. Forget it. HAHAHA. Here is looking at you kid

[ycmanvs]

Welcome to middle America. Sit in front of the TV and do nothing all day....now go read those books I suggested.

[tiredofvampires]

*sigh*

 

And I will keep doing what I do best: WRITING, though it will be forgotten! HAHAHAHA! (gee sounds a little like your worst life fears, huh!)

So you can relate to me!

 

back at ya, kid

[Bonzophuebes1]

WOOHOHOooooo

[tiredofvampires]

The problem is, I dont know why my life is crappy.

 

Dude, here it is: because you are in a RUT. (duh, lol)

 

No, seriously. ycmanvs has it right: getting off the couch (or staying on it) to read is a good start, but I say again and again, you have to do something BESIDES just sitting and wondering why you are wondering that you don't know why you have stopped wondering. You need more WONDER in your life. Not about life itself or what it should be for you, but about things outside the question itself. Forget the plate in front of you that is empty and go out looking for just a jar of capers for now. Forget where the capers are going to fit in.

 

WONDER is a response to something you are not doing so much as beholding. But to behold, you must put yourself in the position to do so.

 

Ask yourself what is it going to hurt you to get out and do some of that volunteering that I mentioned? The worst is, it doesn't change much, or you don't like it (in which case, you find a different one that you enjoy better.) Think of it as life interest shopping, you are at the mall of life and it's all in front of you to browse, pick things up and turn them over, with a mind to look around and take things in, not to try to get some big leather couch that has to be JUST SO. Shopping is so dreadful when you have to have a freaking mission with specifications; when you aren't going except just to cruise, to enjoy the checking things out, then it is fun and interesting. TREAT LIFE THIS WAY NOW.

 

You keep saying you don't know what will make you happy -- part of that is not having to know, ironically enough. But just doing the footwork. Keeping on doing the footwork, not shooting your foot in the process by guaging if this or that might ever be worth it or a failure. Your happiness and success most likely lies in a place you have not discovered yet, but you are sitting there in a docked ship. If there is a God, or at least as you know "Him", this is what he has handed to you, thrown down the gauntlet for you. If God were at the top of the chain of command, these would be your orders.

 

And maybe it's time to get the hell out of the military?

 

I see life as it is, it will not get better, for any of us.

 

Well, I sure hope not, for me! If you read these boards enough, you will see so many people posting here who were once where we are, telling us it gets better. So your theory is evidently wrong by proof and evidence others down the path can attest. You see, thinking in certain ways is making you shoot your foot and cut off your nose to spite your face. I do believe another poster in your other thread got it right when they said you do not need a therapist to tell you "make small goals" but to do cognitive-behavioral therapy, which is to examine the thoughts you have created in your mind and examine why they can be very false, and what other thoughts can replace them. Everyone has in ways created thoughts that are like loaded guns pointed at their own heads. You have to have someone help pull your hand away and help unload the bullets and even dismantle the gun. It is VERY hard to do this alone.

 

I have also recently come accross through an acquaintence what sounds like a promising new therapy, similar to Cognitive-Behavioral: Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT for short.) Google it, though what you find might find some of the literature limiting. It might be even better to ask around, since you are already in the medical field, so that's a good in. It's a more recent approach that's been developed. It was originally created as a method to treat Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), but my friend is going due to anxiety and depression and over-active mind (like me). She has the same health condition I do, which is a physical condition that affects mood and sleep and so forth. If you find that you wake early in the morning by the way, before it's really time to get up, that is one sign of depression, poor sleep. Anyway, that's a tangent. This DBT therapy apparently is the ONLY successful treatment for people who have severe distortions going on with BPD, so even if you don't have BPD, the DBT (jeesh, too many acronyms!!) could be very effective. It involves some special things, like doing some reading and stuff, it makes you do things outside of the regular "session" so it imposes a lot of stuff where you have to be active and interactive. I am on the verge of investigating this myself, because the girl who has told me about it and referred me to her therapist has worked in the medical field herself (used to work in ER, nudge), has training in mental health, has tried other approaches, is VERY much like me, self-reflective and analytical, and she says this is very, very effective unlike others she's tried. We talked all about the pall of the "uh hums, ah hmms," type of therapy and how that just gets nowhere. A DBT therapist has to also be very bright, which I think varies a lot from therapist to therapist. As another poster said, you need a therapist who is on your level of brightness and quickness of mind. Most are intelligent, but some are not quick on the draw to see what needs to be said. I think you haven't found a good one, just the usual mediocre run-of-the-mill stuff.

 

Shopping, shopping, shopping. I think you need to shop 'til you drop.

 

And then pick yourself up and shop summore.

 

It's pretty intense. Your posts almost seem to negate any road to any crevice that might turn into a brick in the wall that can come lose, you have covered all the bases so that nothing can be said to find an opening. But keep posting, cos it's funny how many people's wisdom can impart a new thought to joggle the bricks loose. There is a hole in the wall for everyone.

 

They need to make an emoticon where the face actually breaks through the wall and the crowd is cheering on the other side!

 

As for me, I am but one voice. And this is just my first times trying to advise you. I love what everyone has to say on this board, I really thought I knew it all in my own head, until I came here (j/k!!)