t1lersm0m1

My emotions go back and forth, but the last few days have felt pretty good. I just hope I keep feeling better, rather than going back to feeling like crap again.

Last year I was so insecure and full of self-hatred, I don't know how I survived. I pushed a good guy away, and went CRAZY...begging, driving there unannounced, texting HUGE texts....all he asked for was time and I physically/emotionally didn't know how to give him time. I was out of my mind! I read self-help books, and for about 4 months searched my soul, and learned how to love myself. I acted like a lovesick teenager, instead of a 35 year old woman.

This year, I met a guy even better than the guy from last year, but I still had issues that I didn't realize. I don't know why it took the break up for me to say "Hey, this behavior is not normal, what is wrong with me, and how can I fix it?" I'm co-dependant, and have abandonment issues. I'm the adult child of an alcoholic. My abandonment issues caused me to go crazy when my ex would ignore me. He didn't like conflict, and would ignore me when all I wanted to do was resolve the conflict and find peace in our relationship. His ignoring me set off my abandonment issues and I would call/text/email relentlessly, even driving there. I told myself my actions were his fault for ignoring me. But now, I look back and realize I am in control of MY actions. His actions were wrong, but did nto justify my reaction.

My ex from this year is emotionally broken. And because I'm co-dependant I wanted to fix him. I knew what it was like to have low self-esteem and wanted to help him, but he didn't want to be helped. He got angry with me when I tried. But I tried because I thought I coudl fix him (AKA change him).

I'm working on me, and I'm becoming so much stronger.

My ex is the reason I came to this site, but I'm the reason I've stayed. I see through people's messages that I'm not the only one who feels this way, or acts this way.

I broke NC a few times. We broke up on a Friday, I texted and called Saturday. I drove there unannounced Sunday. 8 days later I texted, and then pretended I texted on accident. The end of htat week I mailed his two shirts. Then coming up on a month since he broke up with me I texted, then two days later I emailed. That email was 19 days ago, hency my 18 days of NC.

I will not break no contact, at least until April. I'm sure by then I won't have a desire to contact him, but if I do contact him, being the dumpee, April is the earliest I will do it. Part of me still hopes he will contact me before then, but my head tells me he won't.

Writing my feelings on this forum helps me feel better. I'm so glad I found this site.

Keep up the great work everyone! Make sure your numbers keep going UP! We are doing this to HEAL, and put US first! We deserve happiness, but we have to find happiness within first.

I'm on this site doing the work, looking inside myself, evaluating my behavior in my past relationship, and learning. And I feel so much stronger!

I love(d) you but I wasn't happy. I truly wasn't happy. It was so obvious that you were still in love with her. She asked you why you hated her new beau, and you said because he came between you two reconciling. The correct answer would have been "I don't hate him. I'm very happy for you two."

You broke my heart every time you talked about her. We dated six months and even though I met both sons, you didn't want me at T's football game in case she was there. You didn't want to "cause trouble" bringing me, even though she included him in everything.

You probably still aren't over her.

I guess that this thread is in "Getting Back Together" because people are here, counting the days hoping their loved one will come back? Maybe? Maybe not?

Anyway, deep down inside, I hope to hear from my ex again. I don't know why, and I wish I didn't feel that way. I'm trying to figure out how to let go of that hope.

I am sticking to NC past day 30. I'm sticking to it until at least Easter, if not forever. I'm co-dependant, and I think that's why I wanted to fix him. I knew the pain he was in due to his lack of self-esteem and thought I could help him.

Stay strong everyone. NC is very important for our healing!

The new guy calls me and texts me daily. Wishes me a good morning, even sends me pics like you used to. We are seeing each other Friday. I have a good feeling about him. I'm looking forward to getting to know him.

I really hope you come back once I'm healed and moved on. I want to reject you like you rejected me.

I'm also codependant. I wish I knew all of this in my 20's. It's why I stayed with my husband, even though I didn't love him for a long time. My self-hatred, insecurity, abandonment issues and codependancy have kept me single. But now that I am getting emotionally healthy, learning and growing, my future possibilities will be endless.

I really can have it all.

If you had healed before we met, and worked on your self-esteem, it could be us. But it can take you years to get over HER, and to find your self confidence. I deserve love now!

Contact = pains

NC = healing

Please stick to the NC path. It helps.

I contacted you the other day.

I thought I was strong enough, but I was wrong

 

Nothing has changed and your still a liar.

 

Back on the NC path.... Day 2

Is this in response to me? LOL yes it is complicated.

Dated Guy #1 June - August 2012. Pushed him away because I hated myself and didn't feel I deserved the happiness he was brining me. After pushing him away went INSANE (didn't know I have abandonment issues) begging and pleading and texting. He finally began ignoring me in mid-September. He only texted me in January because I texted him from a different #. In February he said he was seeing someone.

The very NEXT day, Guy #2 contacted me on a dating site (link removed). We met the day after that, and dated from February to early June. Broke up because he was fighting with his oldest son and we didnt' speak for four days. I told him I deserved better. We spoke later that day and I said "Are you ready for all of this?" He said "I don't think so." So we broke up and cried.

Later that week I texted Guy #1, and it was very innocent. Then he texted me five days later asking if we got flooded (he moved 1.25 hours away, so no longer from my area). I said no. We texted, then I asked if he was happy with his gf. He said he didn't know. A couple days later I said if you're not happy you should give me another shot. We began texting daily. I was still in contact with Guy #2 on friendly terms. I went away on vacation mid-July and was supposed to see Guy #1 when I got back, but instead Guy #2 started wanting to see me again. So I kinda blew off Guy #1.

Then early September Guy #2 and I broke up again, this time I fear for good. That's what brought me to this site. Guy #1 and I are texting again (which I'm surprised, because I kept blowing him off in July when I got back from vacation) and are talking about seeing each other. Guy #2 is a better fit for me emotionally, but he is not over his wife (separated) and has horrible sense of self-worth. I tried helping him, but he didn't want to be helped.

So I'm going to try Guy #1 again.....our relationship was healthy until I pushed him away. I think he balances me more. My relationship with Guy #2 was not healthy, and he doesn't seem interested in growing emotionally (I'm really hoping this changes for his sake, he is very broken).

What a complicated life you lead with all the exes - hope you're having fun.

 

It made me smile as yours seems as complicated as mine! What is it with these men, as soon as we are over them they want to know us!

Why am I letting your rejection of me define me? You are a broken man. I know in my heart that even if I was perfect (which I am not) our relationship would have ended. So why am I feelnig like a failure. I think if I can figure that out, I can finally start letting go.

I think the fact you are broken, and even you don't want me, is making me feel miserable. But your love, or lack of love, does not define me, or my self-worth. I was amazing before I met you, and now that I know about my abandonment issues I will be even more amazing.

I did the best I could in our relationship. I can't change the past, or the fact I acted terrible our last weekend together because I wanted to break up with you and then changed my mind. I can't change the past. And even if I could, why would I want to be with a man who couldn't give me his heart, because it belonged to someone else?

I deserve better!

I wish I could stop thinking of him. But, it took time to get to know him, it will take time to get to unknown him. Kinda like the weight I'm losing. It took time to gain it, it's not going to come off overnight. I must say I haven't cried in a few weeks, haven't even teared up and felt like crying. He's just on my mind, which I wish I could change.

I did the best I could in that relationship, but the next relationship, my best will be even better because I learned lessons from this. As long as you can learn lessons, nothing is a mistake. Live with no regrets.

I saw a quote on a signature, but don't quite remember the exact phrase. Would you chase after the MACK truck that just hit you? (Comparing to the way the break up feels - like being hit by a truck).

I have abandonment issues. I want so badly to email you to explain. But none of it matters, because you were still in love with HER. You never really loved me.

Everything happens for a reason. You were a beautiful lesson, and I know once I heal I will look back on our time together fondly. I really did fall in love with you. I think you were the first man I truly knew and loved after my ex husband. But there will be someone else, who loves me the way I deserve.

I forgive you for it all. I don't hate you, I'm just hurt. But I've learned so much about myself. And I will continue learning. Now that i know I have abandonment issues, I can work on them. I want to be the best me possible.

Day 15, halfway to Day 30. I miss him, but no overwhelming desires to contact him. These boards help with that. I just have to figure out how to let go of the hope and desire to come back. My head knows I deserve better, I really hope my heart figures it out soon.

Having a late dinner Friday night with the guy I went out with Saturday. I've become a good judge of character in the last few years, and he strikes me as a good one.

My good judge of character tells me E was horribly emotionally broken and not the right man for me. He didn't seem to have a desire to change or improve himself. He thought weight loss surgery was a huge step, but that is only going to help his health. How many people do you know that have lost weight and gained it back? Weight loss doesn't fix your emotional life - self-confidence, etc (I wish it did as I lost 54 pounds two years ago through healthy eating and exercise). How many obese people do you know that have great confidence, and how many thin people have horrible confidence?

I'm on the right track, I just need to keep the focus on ME.

You're welcome. I hate that anyone has to feel this pain. I wish we could just hold our heads high and say onto bigger and better things because we deserve it! But instead we are here torturing ourselves. lol

Letting go of hope is one of the hardest things for me too...still I felt ok today.

 

Thank you for caring and taking the time to read my posts it means a lot =)

I'm so angry with you. I want my heart back. You never deserved it.

The new guy texts me every morning to wish me a good morning, and every night to wish me a good night. He is going to call me tonight. I must admit, I had fun on our date, and catch myself wondering what he's like. We are having a late dinner Friday.

I still miss you and think about you, but you weren't emotionally well or available.

I have a good feeling about the new guy. I've become a very good judge of character since my separation/divorce. I had a good feeling about you (but I guess in hindsight, even though we were together six months and had some good times, my good feeling was wrong??). I also had a good feeling about B last year, and that was a good relationship until I went crazy.

I wanna see where this goes. I'm learning to let go of hope that you'll come back. You made it clear it's over, forever. I was just your rebound anyway. I know you cared, but not the way I deserved.

I've learned so much about myself, and for that I'm grateful.

Day 14. And it really is getting easier. I'm still thinking of him, but I realized yesterday that a few hours went by where I didn't think of him. I also haven't dreamed of him in a while, which is really nice. Dreaming of him and then thinking of him first thing when I wake up sucks. So not dreaming of him is awesome.

I still have hope, and I'm trying to learn to let that go. My ex from last year is texting me (I initiated contact, I pushed him away last year). So I'm hoping since my ex from last year is back in the picture, that someday, when we are both ready, E will be. I wish I could let go of that hope.

We both did the best we could in our relationship. I know you didn't set out to hurt me. I chose to be with you, when deep down inside I knew you weren't over your wife. But I was in love with you, and thought if you were patient, you would love me back, truly. You said you loved me, but really, could you if you still loved her? I guess anything is possible.

I forgive you. We both did the best we could at the time. And I know next time, my best will be even better.

I love you. And part of loving you is letting you go. I think there will always be a fondness in my heart for you.

When I first came to this site, I wanted to figure out how to win you back. And I thought through giving you space you'd eventually contact me. I realized today that I know you probably won't contact me, so if I felt like it I would wish you a Happy Easter. I probably won't have any desire to by then, but deep in my heart I know you're a good person and I'm a good person, and would just like to hear from you at some point in the future, to see how are you. I figure 6 months is a good amount of time.

I really did love you E. With all of my heart. I just read a post on another thread. Someone said something very poignant. "If I did my best in the relationship, then the reason it ended doesn't matter." I know I did the best I was capable of when we dated. But I also know I'm capable of better. And so I'm working on me. Not for you. For me. For my future. I hate the fact that I begged and pleaded, that I couldn't walk away with my dignity. But, I could only do my best, and at the time, that was my best. I have abandonment issues. God I wish I had figured that out last year after the break up with B. But I also know in my heart that regardless of what I did, our relationship was doomed because you weren't over M. And your self-esteem sucked. I wanted so badly to help you. I got transfixed on the thought that you were the best guy for me. But there's someone out there, who isn't fixated on an ex, who is confident, who will be able to give me what I deserve. What you couldn't give me. I have a happy, wonderful future ahead of me.

Hi JS, yes, it does get better. You and I both know this. I've read your posts about trying to get together with the ex, but him constantly blowing you off...and some things about travel, and you think he may have lied. It sounds like we are both better off without our exes. My head knows that, I know my heart is catching up because I had several good days this week, it's just not quite there yet.

I stopped typing emails to my ex and just saving them when I found, in the "Healing After Break up" section, the thread "Post Here Instead of Contacting Your Ex." I really get to get my feelings out, without typing an email that I might accidentally hit the send button on.

At one point I was typing emails and saving them in my drafts, and it's amazing how in a couple weeks time my feelings changed. One email was saying I don't understand and I miss you, another one was I understand, and thank you for doing me a favor, one was angry, etc etc. LOL

I'm going to Florida for Thanksgiving, and I feel, based on how I'm feeling now, that I'll be pretty much over him by then. I'm not putting a deadline on my healing, or trying to rush it. I'm truly going with the flow, but I've definitely started to make it over the "I miss him" hump and started leaning towards the "It's his loss" hump.

My "plan" right now is to reach out to him for Easter. Give us both time to heal, and then reach out. Not necessarily with the hopes of reconciling, just to see how he's doing. Although I know I deserve better and get angry with what he did, I still care about him as a person. He's really messed up emotionally, and I have no idea if he'll ever try fixing that.....he didn't have much interest when we were together. Whenever I tried helping him, guiding him, he got angry.

I am SOOOO glad I found this website. Being here really helps.

I keep searching the posts for dumper, to see what's going on in your head. The things I've put together are that just because you are the dumper, doesn't mean it's easy on you. That initially the dumper feels relief the relationship is over, but then later they start to miss the dumpee. But usually by the time they miss the dumpee, the dumpee has moved on. In the back of my head, I hope you'll come back and tell me what a terrible mistake you've made. But I don't think that's going to happen. Even though I was wonderful to you, I was your rebound from HER. And our relationship wasn't healthy. WE had a lot of good times, but it wasn't healthy. I'm figuring out how to let go.

I was just a rebound. Just a stupid, meaningless rebound. And I knew it, deep down I knew it. When I saw you in July for the first time in six weeks, I got drunk and said you were still in love with M. I accepted your scraps. I told you our last weekend together that you never initiated "I love you" anymore, you only said it in response to me saying it. You never loved me. God I was a fool. I can't believe I didn't see it all. It was right there for me to see. I'm a darned fool.

I deserve more than scraps. I deserve a man who will love ME, heart and soul. Who will not leave me. I'm ready to be happy, but I have to get over you first. You are such a jerk.

Day 13.

Yesterday, after my date, I thought of him. And I felt pain. Not bad pain, but pain nonetheless. Guess I still have healing to do. I had fun on my date, and the guy knows I'm just out of a relationship and not looking for anything serious.

My ex did me a favor, but I still miss him. God do I miss him. I'm so mad. I felt so good for the last several days, and now I miss him. I didn't contact him. Didn't type an email to him, or a text, or anything. I guess it was the date that triggered it.

Healing is a journey, and I don't know why I didn't expect there to be bumps in the road. At least I haven't hit a pothole yet.

There were times you were feeling down and I'd say I love you, and you'd say don't. I wish I had listened. I wish I had walked out your door right then and there. You are emotionally broken, and there was nothing I could do to fix you. I'm so angry with you for loving a woman who you say was terrible to you, and refusing the love of me, an amazing woman. You even said "You have an amazing wonderful heart, and you take good care of me."

I was feeling so good the last few days I didn't think I'd have to come here today. But I found myself thinking of you and feeling twinges of pain today. I guess I"m not healed like I was hoping I was. The pain wasn't bad, but I could definitely feel myself missing you. Do you miss me? I know you do, I don't even have to ask. We became each other's everything for six months. How could you not? And I know that us breaking up was your loss not mine....You're going to have a hard time finding someone who will be as good to you as me. By the time you realize it I'll probably be moved on.

Really liking the first quote MMT. And the second one, but the first one hits home more. I've learned SO MUCH about myself this past year. That phrase "finding yourself". Yeah, I am doing that. I'm sure my journey of finding myself will continue, but the amount I've learned since August 2012 is amazing.

Day 6

 

Dedicated to t1lersm0m1, js0905, myself and everyone here:

 

"and maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. maybe the happy ending is just moving on."

 

"If you want him/her back, first learn your lessons in this break."

 

and this may help these days: ]

I usually wake up and look forward to coming here and posting my day. Today, I forgot about it until I started reading other posts and realized, Oh I get to post another day! I couldn't even remember what day I was on, I had to look at my previous post!

Day 12. It's a chilly, beautiful sunny day. I'm going on a casual bowling date. I told him I'm just out of a relationship and not looking for anything serious, and he said he was ok with that. Then I have a Halloween party to go to with some of my very best friends. We will be doing karaoke!

What a beautiful, great day. Day 12. I'll keep posting daily until Day 30, then I really don't think I'll need to keep counting after that, not with how I've felt this whole week.