t1lersm0m1

js, yes your horoscope is interesting! Maybe it means you will have closure and peace soon. And a healed heart. xoxo

MMT, you SHOULD be proud of yourself. You wanted to contact at day 10, and here you are almost to day 30.

I forgot to post yesterday. So I'll post for both days today.

I feel 100% better than I felt post-breakup, or 34 days ago when I broke contact to text him like a little child asking if we were really over. Contact hurts. No contact and working on yourself heals.

Follow no contact. Stop thinking about getting him/her back. Start thinking about getting YOU back.

Day 32. I had a few thoughts of him since dreaming we were back together and happy. Darn subconscious mind. Knock that off. I'm strong and resilient. I am a great catch for either the new guy, or some other lucky guy out there. And honestly, telling myself these things really does help. The more positive things you tell yourself, the more you believe them.

The scared, insecure woman he knew is gone....I know my issues and have worked on them and will continue working on myself...physically and emotionally. I will face my abandonment issues and co-dependency head-on. I will not date a man who is broken, hoping to fix him. I did that with the ex husband, and the most recent ex. I am not their therapist or their mentor. I want someone who is whole as they are, without me.

It seems like just yesterday I sent him an email explaining some things. And now it's 31 days NC. I think I shall keep couting, until day 45 or 60, as it helps seeing how far I've come.

I dated someone last year and it took me MONTHS to go NC. If you could see some of the texts I sent THAT guy....LOL. So I have improved in LEAPS and BOUNDS!

Keep up the good work everyone. Keep to NC, and work on getting YOU back. The sane, confident, amazing person you were before your heart was ripped out. It's worth it.

I read in someone's signature a great quote, although I can't quite recall how it went.

"Would you chase the Mac truck that just hit you?"

Stop chasing your ex!

That's what I thought! In the beginning I could see it cause I thought of him so much during the day. But now I barely think of him, so the dream came out of nowhere.

" Except the fact I dreamed last night we were back together and we were both happy."

 

Haha same here..that has happened to me now these past two days..its rather annoying..like get out of my dreams man lol

Sorry MMT, I missed where you said Day 1 was something new you wanted to try. Thanks for the link!

Wow, how does it happen that he broke up with me September 6, my last contact to him was October 7, and I'm at Day 30 NC on November 6 (which also happens to be the two year anniversary of my father losing his battle with kidney cancer )?

Anyway, 30 days NC and I feel great. Except the fact I dreamed last night we were back together and we were both happy. But I can't control my dreams (side note, when we first broke up, I dreamed of him almost nightly!). I barely think of him during the day. I'm still in the early stages of seeing and getting to know someone new. So far he is a much better fit than the ex. Seems to be confident, no kids (aka baggage), no recent exes (last LTR was 2+ years), wants kids (GO ME!), and he works days M-F (ex worked as an ER nurse third shift and every other weekend). We are taking things SLOW! Only seeing each other once a week, and talking nightly, but no SERIOUS talks so far.

I so totally believe my ex did me a favor in dumping me, as I truly wasn't happy. I knew in my heart he still loved his wife. And it killed me. But I kept telling myself what a great guy he was (he has no confidence and he let his kids walk all over him, which made me SOOO angry). As much as I thought I was happy, I really wasn't. Also, his self-confidene caused SOOO MANY arguments between us.

So I've successfuly completed the 30 day challenge. I haven't had the desire to write to him in the "Post Here Instead of Contacting your Ex" thread. I had read the 8 week challenge at one point and used to hope I'd hear from him 8 weeks after I stopped contacting him, but at this point I have no desire to contact him or hear from him.

E=MMT;5866457]I did not break!

I'm gonna do a kind of meditation (learned it some years ago) for 40 days. I planned it as a part of my healing process. Actually, I always wanted to do this meditation for 40 days, but never could.

This is the right time. I thought to write it here cause it helps me to keep it. : ) ...It has been really great in these 3 days.

 

Dedicated to all in this thread, I specially like the video. : )

tnx for your care.

 

]

Do you think anything you posted is going to change in the next five days? At day 25 you are saying he was full of maybe's and disappointed you. Do you think that'll change after 30 days?

MMT, did you break contact????

4 weeks ago I sent him an email I felt needed to be sent. Since then, radio silence. And while I'm not sure I'll keep counting on this thread, I have no intention of contacting him after 30, 60, 90 or any days. If I still think of him I may contact him on Easter, just an innocent Happy Easter E text. If he replies, see how he is.

He hurt me, but he wasn't lying to me, he was lying to himself, and I'm not angry with him.

This guy was a great guy, and I know I've healed because I can close my eyes, and picture him in a loving relationship with another woman and not feel pain. I sincerely wish him happiness. Someone who will accept him the way he is, and not try to change him (I tried to help him with his self-confidence, but he really wasn't interested/ready).

I know how you feel. It feels like a death, almost worse than a death because the person is CHOOSING not to be with you (well in your case you broke it off because you weren't happy but you know what I mean).

But you have to tell yourself, for now anyway, he wasn't making you happy. Do you want to settle for someone who doesn't make you happy?

I know, your head is probably telling you that, but your heart is telling you a different story. It'll take a while, but eventually if you keep at NC, your head will start to win out over your heart. The pain will be gone.

It took me 4-5 months last year, but my self-confidence is amazing. It CAN be done! 4-5 months sounds like a long time, and it takes work, it doesn't happen overnight, but then you have the rest of your life to reap the rewards.

I'm 5'3", 240#, I was raised by an alcoholic mother, and I have sexual abuse in my past. While my past isn't the worst out there, it was pretty bad. If I can find my confidence, it can really be done by anyone willing to do the work.

I realized last year I never graduated from victim to survivor. I was always waiting and expecting bad things to happen. I truly didn't believe I deserved a good man, love and happiness. Now that I know I deserve that, I was able to get over this break up much easier!

Thanks!!!!!

goood for you : ) : ) : ) : )

You have to slam the door shut. You were NOT happy,that's why you ended it. This is tough love. But he was not making time for you, and you had the feeling he was lying to you. We women have wonderful instincts, it's up to US to listen to them. I know I ignored mine when I dated plenty of losers and jerks.

By telling him you will always love him, if he ever comes back, there has to be no hurry because he knows you are waiting.

I have a fourth date tonight. This seems to be the third good guy I've met since my divorce. He waited until the third date to kiss me. Hasn't brought up sex. Drives to see me (lives 45 minutes away), pays for the dates. Calls me daily.

This time last year, finding a good guy would make me want to push him away as I didn't think I deserved a good guy. But now that I've found my self-love, I know I deserve this.

I barely think about my ex from this year. I was trying to get back together with my ex from last year, but realized he's not really trying, so not sure what his deal is and give up trying to figure it out.

I love my life and feel so blessed. I wouldn't trade any of the heartbreak for the lessons I've learned.

I remember finding the link to the eight week challenge thread in another thread, and praying it came true for me. Now, I don't really care if I ever hear from him again. I'd like to, at some point in the future, because he was a good guy and I want him to be happy. I'd love to see the man he becomes when he finds his self-confidence. I think that man can make a good woman very very happy.

Wow, 26 days ago I sent him an email I felt I needed to send. It wasn't an attempt to win him back, but a need to explain what happened the last weekend we were together, what prompted him to dump me. I perpetuated the break up by being a B all day Sunday because I wanted to break up with him. You see he's separated and not over his wife. The more time we spent together, the more it became evident.

He broke up with me September 6. I drove there, told him he was going to look me in the eye. I cried. Next day I called and texted and said I didn't understand. Sunday I drove there again and begged. 8 days after that I texted I miss my best friend and a few other things. Then the weekend of October 6 tried texting to no avail, and as I said 26 days ago sent the email.

Right now I feel amazing. I think about him in passing, but not of any of the moments we spent together. At this point I plan to contact him on Easter to see how he is and what he's up to. But who knows what I'll want by then!

In the end, he did me a favor. I LOVED him, but I was unhappy because I knew he still loved his wife. And it was killing me. I kept telling myself he just needed more time. He also has horrible self-esteem. His self-esteem caused so many problems between us. I would say something jokingly, he took it seriously, and then when I told him I was joking it didn't seem to matter. Example: he called me a nag through text and winked. I called him a butthole (other word) and stuck my tongue out. Apparently he doesn't know the emoticon with the tongue sticking out. That led to a HUGE fight. He wouldn't talk to me ALL day. I finally had to drive there to get him to talk to me.

He let everyone in his life walk all over him. I told my friend from FL about him (I'm in PA) and the first thing I said to describe him (this was back before our first break up in June) was "He's a great guy but he has no back bone and I'm going to walk all over him." She called me on it. She's like you need to end it. I said but he treats me wonderful, he took me to NYC to see Phantom, he's taking me to DC, he's amazing. She said That's all well and good but the very first thing you told me is he has no backbone and you're going to walk all over him.

Hindsight really is 20/20.

The weekend is almost here!

It's honestly not a game. It's about healing. About taking care of YOU first.

My ex broke up with me. When going through a break up, your emotions are FULL STEAM AHEAD. You begin second guessing everything. You say this is only temporary, he will come back.

No contact gives you the chance to truly heal. There's no looking at his facebook page. No calling him, texting him, emailing him, no unannounced stop overs at his place. You just stop contacting them and work on YOU.

A month after my break up I texted him from a different number. he asked who it was and I immediately told him it was me. he then went silent. I kept texting and finally said IF this is over forever tell me. (When you feel unemotional and sane this all sounds dumb, he already told me it was over when he broke up with me, but when you contact them you begin feeling anxiety and like there is something you have to do to get them back, or convince them to change their minds). Since I went no contact, I've really healed. I'm almost there.

None of it is a game. It's about healing. It's not a strategy to win the ex back. It's winning YOU back. The secure, happy person you were before the break up. Not the puddle of mud you feel like when they tell you it's over and your mind goes into overdrive trying to plan and calculate how to win them back.

All of this seems like a game. I used to do when I was in my early 20s. When you grow older, there cannot be no games about ex contacts and etc. In my opinion this is a bit immature if you are older.

 

Everyone, don`t do my mistakes. Just before doing something, think a bit. But when it comes to your heart do not hesitate ever. The hardest part is to realize what can harm the future and what can save the future. Try to think at least 2 steps ahead before destroying something.

I think I'm gonna start posting at night. That way I know I've successfully made it through the day. I'm not even tempted to contact him, and I don't think of him much.

WOO HOO, 7 days to complete the 30 day challenge. I can only imagine how I'll feel another 7 days from now!

Wow, I've been at work several hours and forgot to come and post here. I usually look forward to coming here to post. I think about him a couple of times a day, but not memories of moments we spent together, just the actual thought of him.

I'm healing, and "I feel fine."

Today's the first day I truly had no desire to write you. But I saw the thread, and wanted to write anyway. I truly only think of you once or twice a day now, and it feels wonderful. I don't really replay anything in my midn anymore, like making love, or you opening a door for me, or being taken to see Phantom in NYC in April. Not your voice, or anything like that. Just more a passing thought really.

I'm really ready to say good bye now. I loved you, and you cared for me the best you could. But I deserve better.

Good-bye E. Take care. I want nothing but happiness for you!

Wow, I'm 7+ weeks post break up, he has been NC since breakup, I have been NC 21 days today. And I must say, I'm back to feeling WONDERFUL!

Did I love my guy? Yes! Did he love me? No! He wasn't over his wife. And I learned the lesson I needed to learn. I loved him, but deep down I wasn't happy. Merely two weeks before our breakup he met his wife to talk about divorce. She asked him why he hated her boyfriend. He said because he came between them reconciling. Red flags were here, there, everywhere, and I ignored him. He truly did me a favor breaking up with me. (Hint, when your wife asks why you hate her boyfriend, if you are over her, you say I don't hate him, I hope the two of you are very happy together!!!!! - and you MEAN it).

I had a third date yesterday. I like this guy so far. He's respectful, intelligent, seems to be financially stable, and the conversation is easy. If my ex came back tomorrow would I take him back? Heck no!!!! If he came back 6 months or a year from now, after resolving his issues, and I was single, I would entertain a meeting. But with 100% certainty, if he contacted me, I would remain in NC. He ignored me many times. So I would NOT feel bad ignoring him IF he came back (I really doubt he will, as he really didn't love me).

This board is amazing, the people here are amazing, and I'm so blessed I found this website. I came because of the ex, but I plan on staying for me.

I'm still on the road feeling good, I hope it continues. I started feeling good for several days last time, then I went back to feeling like crap. 7 weeks post break up. We broke up once before and so I asked him three weeks ago last night if it was really over and he said yes, forever. And right now, I feel wonderful. Just hope I keep moving in that direction!

Second date last night with the new guy. Third date is tomorrow. Last night my Mom asked how the date went, and I told her good. She asked me what if you come back into my life? I told her, and I know this is true, that if you came back, I wouldn't take you back. Maybe six months or a year from now, because as someone on this board pointed out, you need a lot of time to heal.

22 years with your wife, I was dumb to think you were over her after 10 months. But I'm learning and growing, and unless someone is at least a few years out of a marriage/divorce or long term relationship, I'm not going to entertain giving them my time. Me and my heart are worth more than taking a chance on a guy who may or may not be over an ex who he was with for a significant time.

I don't really have the desire to come here and post to you much anymore. This very well might be my last message to you. I thought to myself last night, "Wow, I only thought of E a few times today, and only in passing, not actual memories of events."

I'm healing. It's going quickly because I learned to love myself last year. Last year it took me six months to get over a two month relationship. I've almost flipped that script this year. Almost two months out, and I'm almost over a six month relationship.

I did love you, and part of me still does. But I know I won't always love you. My feelings are slowly fading.

I hope you are well. I hope you learn how to love yourself and move on from your heartbreak. And from the bottom of my heart, I hope you find happiness, whether that be alone or with another woman, I hope you find happiness. You deserve it. We all do.

I dreamed of him last night, for the first time in a few weeks. Probably because I had a date last night and thought of him a few times while on the date. But I've found that the last few days I haven't thought of him as much. Yesterday I only had quick passing thoughts of him a few times during the day.

I'm healing. Maybe I'll feel like crap again in a few days, but I'm healing. I know how to love, and I'm not allowing any of my experiences to harden my heart. My heart is very much open to the possibility of being loved the way I deserve to be loved in the future. I'm learning from my experiences, and I'm growing.

Here's two paragraphs from WebMD that describe it:

"Codependency, by definition, means making the relationship more important to you than you are to yourself," Tessina says. "It's kind of a weird phrase, and it doesn't sound like it means a one-sided relationship. But that's what it is. It means you're trying to make the relationship work with someone else who's not."

But other issues in a couple's lives can foster codependence too. One partner may have trouble controlling other impulses or simply not show much interest in the partnership. Then the other partner -- who is the codependent one -- goes all-out to try to "fix" the problem.

He says the partner who is codependent can be "the better person, the smarter person, the person who's recognized as having it all together. They're defining themselves as strong enough to deal with it when actually they need to realize that maybe they should be taking care of themselves instead of proving their strength."

The bottom line is, I loved Ex #2 (wasn't with ex#1 long enough to really know him and love him), but Ex #2 didn't make me happy. He was always complaining about his wife, and very self-absorbed. I did my best to try and "fix" his problems, his self-esteem, the fact he wasn't over his wife.

I lost myself for a while. I'm getting her back. I tell myself in the back of my mind if Ex#2 can find his self-confidence and get over his wife he would be PERFECT for me. We had a great connection. But the fact that I said "If he did this, and if he did that", is wrong. He was either perfect for me as he is, or he wasn't perfect for me. And the things we went through hurt me, and broke my heart, because he wasn't in love with me.

No one is perfect. But I think when you preface something with "If he did this, or if he did that, I could be so happy" , then i really wasn't happy, and I deserve happiness now, not the potential for happiness if he HAPPENS to become confident 5 years from now, or gets over his wife 2 years from now.

I have read stuff about the Law of Attraction, so I will check out Mimi. Thanks!

No, I agree, sometimes you do have to lose someone, and it has to be a wake up call. Ex#1 broke up with his gf in July. He said she really wasn't into the relationship, she was really focused on her career and kids (which is good) but had very little time for him. They would go weeks without seeing each other, and he wasn't happy.

Your story is similar to mine, only your dating timeline is a lot longer. I have been separated since April 2009 and divorced since October 2010. After my separation/divorce, I dated all users and manipulators (the whole self-hatred thing and not realizing what I deserved). Ex #1 was the FIRST good guy I dated, but like I said, I pushed him away.

Ex #2 was a more significant relationship than ex #1 because of the emotional aspect as well as how long it lasted. I really miss Ex #2 and hope to hear from him again. The last he told me, it's over forever. I know that people should never say forever, or never, because those are absolutes and unless you're dead, nothing is never or forever.

But, I'm learning to move on. I don't feel the pain I felt, 7 weeks into the break up today. And I learned valuable lessons. There were red flags with Ex #2 that he wasn't over his wife. And he had horrible self-esteem, but apparently I'm co-dependant (this is a new revelation). I'm the daughter of an alcoholic. My Mom has been sober 10+ years, but her drinking in my childhood and teens really affected me more than I ever knew.

So, I'm healing and learning the lessons. I learned to love myself last year. This year I discovered the abandonment issue (common in children of alcoholics) and co-dependancy, so I am working on those issues. And I know that no matter who ends up in my life, I will be a better person because of this all.

I know that for all of us here, the universe will decide which outcome is best for us. I know each guy I date sets the bar for future men. And if the universe thinks Ex #2 and I should be together, he'll come back. If not, then the universe will bring someone even better into my life, and I'll look back and be thankful things with Ex #2 didn't work.