Neil123

Day 3 Getting harder and harder. Once again kept busy but i've gone from comfortable with the break up to seriously hoping/expecting she comes back in a matter of 3 days. Didn't sleep a wink as I thought of her all night. Seriously hurts when this happens because I'm gonna have to go through it all again when I realise she's probably not. ****. Still no chance of me messaging her and breaking NC, I told her i'd respect her space and let her move on and that's what i'll do. Anyways, it's the morning of day 4, let's hope it gets better...

Day 1 & 2 - (10 days overall) The last 2 days have been ok. Considering it's so early, I feel like i'm handling it pretty well. I've already got everything planned out for me for the future so it's just pulling through. Spent the last two days gyming and hanging with friends. It's generally been ok but she's snuck into my thoughts whenever I get a spare second. I'm ok for now, but i'm concerned as slowly i'm going from 'working on myself for a few months' to 'working on myself for a few months and then hoping we'll end up together again'. My friend says that's natural, is it? I'm just concerned that i'm delaying the real heartbreak until those few months are over.

Day 2 Update I've been thinking about what I was talking about earlier all day. But i've been happy. For two years now I've played games in order to ensure she doesn't get over me. I realised that the best way to love her is to let her go and be happy. So I sent her a message (i'll start again I suppose) about my motives with the present; I apologised for not being the amazing boyfriend that we both believed i'd been; I explained that love is more than just thoughtful gifts and gestures (which i did alot of) and that it's about support, appreciation and understanding - which i didn't do enough; I told her that I'm taking a few months to better myself; that maybe in the future we can give it another go, but only if i'm/we're ready; and finally, that today is the first day in a while that i remembered that i absolutely loved her (and how to love her). I don't feel sad, but sort of solemn at the moment. I'm pleased I let her go and hopefully helped her forget all her guilt so she can move on. I'm upset that I may have lost my 'power' over her, but the relief that i'm not holding her life backs feels really good. Anyways, onwards and upwards! I really hope I stick with this mentality. Yoga tomorrow morning and then spending the afternoon with friends. Let's go!

It's hard isn't it! To be honest, I only replied because I believed I brought it on myself with the present stunt. It was harsh to expect her to accept it without somehow acknowledging it. I think it's best to set a precedent and ignore any messages they send you if that's the rules. Either they won't send again or they will want you more (if that's what you want). Best of luck! It's good to be here with other 'sufferers'!

Yesterday didn't finish so well. I thought about her all night and only cheered up when she text thanking me for the present and I felt 'involved' again. I debated whether to text back and I decided to. Of course she was going to text me after I did that. She's a person who's hurting too, she deserves a text back. So I did, just saying enjoy them. I'm not counting that as a fail as I feel like I did the right thing. Day 2 Attempt 1 Last night in bed, I somewhat regretted giving the present. All it does is make her miss me and feel guilty and I shouldn't make her feel that way. It's selfish to prolong her heartache just so I feel wanted for longer. It dawned on me that she's a person too with her own needs and own life. I actually feel a lot better today for that realisation. I need to let her go and stop thinking of what I want the whole time. I broke her heart and gave up on us first and I need to face the consequences now. Too many people forget that their (current or ex) partner is another person with their own life, wants and needs and see them as just a possession. That's why they refuse to accept it when they move on. It actually feels easier to deal with this when I'm doing it for her, and not for myself.

Attempt 1 Day 1: So it's completely over. Done. I initiated the NC last night. We were completely in love (I think) and had our first holiday together book for late August. Her 'busy' and unpredictable modeling career and my temporary unemployment (waiting to start a new job in Sept) caused too many arguments and so I ended it last week, hopeless. I changed my mind, I realised that maybe things will change in 2 months when I start work...I'd have been more busy and more confident and a different person, but the damage was done. She rejected my first letter to get back together, and then the pleading started. It only lasted for a day fortunately, one looong text message and two phonecalls, and then I threw in the towel. She told me I was pushing her away so I knew it was the end. I took control and cancelled the holiday, and told her no more contact and we said our goodbyes last night. Closure. So that's that. I'm not really sure how I feel about this. At first I was actually relieved it was over, and then I was apathetic this morning. I did some Yoga this morning to calm my head which was ok and then had a workout. I'm going to be doing ALOT of working out and yoga. I've been working out for 5 years already but i'm going to try and reach places that I have never reached before and look better than I ever have done. I then drove round to her house to drop off the birthday present which has been sitting in my room for next month. Silly, but I did love her, and if I can't send her a text on her birthday then she can at least have those, besides I want her to remember me as a special person. I always got my presents spot on and she will no doubt cry hysterically when she opens it later. Her mum gave me a massive hug and said she's distraught it's over. We chatted about it for 10 minutes (I think that was wrong actually, but she insisted) and I left. Back to how I feel. At the moment I'm fluctuating between missing her, confusion and anger. I miss how gorgeous she was, actually beautiful. Her eyes were large and blue, she had gorgeous blonde hair and legs that went on for miles. And ambitious. She had her finger in so many pies: model, stylist, writer. I miss her family too. I miss the fact that she was out of my league and I also miss the fact that she absolutely loved me. But I just don't know if I miss her personality. She was amazing and seemed to fluctuate between massively self righteous, confident and insecure. She loved to laugh and didn't take anything too seriously, apart from fashion. That was everything to her. I've thought I've loved her for years, but why are there no memories of her saying sweet nothings to me? Aren't I meant to recall all the good times? Maybe it was just lust? I don't know. And then I get angry. Angry that she should've given me a second chance. I think I deserved one, obviously, and I think she will regret it, I really do. And I'm also angry that she always said she was so 'busy'. She wasn't busy. Her life was full of variety but she was certainly no busier than any person with a full time job. But for some reason I still felt neglected by her as she was too busy and the relationship died. So that's day 1. Right now I'm worrying that no other girl in the world will be as gorgeous as she is. It all seems pretty natural so i'm not panicking yet. Let's see how tomorrow goes.