xrd

I find that my self esteem is mostly dependent on outside sources. I think this is wrong but it's how it goes with me. I remember going to work each morning with my head down and feeling worthless. I felt that way until someone said good morning or how are you today or somehow included me in their conversation. When that happened I elt better about myself. I remember this summer going to a nude beach and feeling really bad about myself as I lay there naked. I felt fat, ugly, not tan enough etc etc etc ...all day I was down on myself. On the long walk out to the car on the wooded trail a guy caught up to me and told me that I "was very attractive" and asked me if I was coming there again soon. He told me his name, where he was from, when he'd be back and said he hoped I'd be there then too. I was flabbergasted! Someone thinks ugly ole me is attractive enough to risk making a complete fool of themselves by approaching and starting a conversation?! I told him I was dating someone monogamously for the last 5 years. He said that guy is very lucky! We parted ways in less than a minute. He walked ahead. About a 1/4 mile down the trail I see him again. He's waiting for me. When I reach him he holds out his hand and says he "has something for me". He gives me a four leaf clover! and rides off on his bike. I'm amazed that someone would go to the trouble just for me. The big boost to my self esteem lasted for about 2 days as I remember, then it was right back into hating myself. To maintain a healthy amount of self esteem I think some humans need to be sought after, told they're handsome, be catered to and just generally "fussed over" or paid attention to more than other people do. The moral of this story is that we're not as bad outside as we often feel inside. Gee, I even feel better having thought about this again. I wish he had come to me early in the day then I wouldn't have laid there naked and felt so terrible about myself.

Hmmmm ...where do I start? This is gonna be long ... I think (I know) I'm having some serious issues with my self image and self esteem. It has been effecting my life in a very negative way for 3+ years and maybe longer. I would appreciate only positive responses. I have pretty thin skin these days and I already have enough complexes. I'm a 36 YRO gay man who has been in a monogamus relationship with my significant other for 5 years. I am currently unemployed and haven't worked a real job (one that requires much social interaction) since 2000. My last "real job" was working in a warehouse operating a forklift etc. I worked at that place for 12 years and liked it up until the last few years. All my life I've known I was gay but chose to ignore it until 1997. I was 27 years old. I basically got very anxious and depressed denying myself my real feelings. My worklife and social interactions started to suffer. The majority of jokes at the workplace seemed to be about gays. Not me in particular because no one knew yet. I got more and more anxious and ended up having to take an emergency leave of absense from work. I went to a doctor and broke down in his office. He gave me zoloft and sent me on my way. I felt good that I was actually doing something that might help me feel better. I just couldn't be at work. I felt I would freak out at any minute. A concerned co-worker called me after a few days and asked what was wrong. He eventually pryed it out of me ...I told him I was bisexual or gay and having a tough time handling that. He was the "blabbermouth" of the warehouse so I knew he'd tell everyone (300+ people!). That's actually what I hoped he would do. I wanted to come out of the closet. Doing that was supposed to feel like a weight lifted off my shoulders right?! It was then that I wrote my mother a coming out letter. I sent it and ended up calling her to tell her the news before she got the letter. I was crying and all that gooshy stuff. Pretty embarrassing to think about it now. I felt so powerless and weak in that state. She told me she'd always known and had no problems with it. blah blah blah ...fast forward ...After getting the acceptance from my family/friends and the meds I thought I needed ...I started to feel better about myself. I went back to work. It was great! Everyone knew and most didn't seem to care. The company I worked for had a very strict policy about sexual harassment so those that were homophobic had to keep it to themselves. A couple months went by and the negative things started happening at work. The drawings on the picnic tables of me on my knees performing oral sex on a guy ...my name on bathroom walls with the words faggot, gay, etc etc etc next to it ...people making off color comments about gay sex acts ...it just went on and on and on. The supervisors reprimanded many of my coworkers for the"sexual harassment". One guy came damn close to being fired. All of a sudden the entire workforce is having meetings and classes on sexual harassment, sensitivity and diversity. EVERYONE had to go to these classes and EVERYONE knew why ...because of me. I think that is the start of my rapid self esteem loss. If I could pinpoint a time in my life that would be it. My self esteem has never been great but at least I've led a pretty healthy rewarding life up until that point in 1998. For the next two years my self esteem and self image slowly went down the drain. I didn't really know it at the time but looking back I realize it now. During those 2 years I started having panic attacks and major social phobia. It was all I could do to put on a fake smile and go to work everyday. I stopped eating out in restaraunts, stopped going to the mall, stopped hanging out with friends, stopped visiting family. Basially stopped doing everything I used to enjoy. After a couple more emergency leaves of absense from work, some trips to a psychologist, some visits to different shrinks, many different types of anti-depressants (none seemed to do anything for me) I decided the only thing to do was quit work. It was a great job. I had 5 weeks vacation, 40hrs sick time, I was in the top 5 of seniority in the entire warehouse, I didn't have to do the undesirable jobs anymore, I was one of the few to have weekends off and I made $17 an hour. Just a great job. I hated to quit but I just saw no other alternative so, in 2000 while on my lastest emergency leave of absense I called work and told them I was done. I took 6 months off. Spending my 401K. I know ...not smart but oh well. Then I got a job delivering newspapers. It was a good job for a social phobic like myself. I came in contact with almost no one while "working". For 1.5 years I delivered newspapers. My self esteem actually went lower because I felt like such a failure. While my normal significant other was going to college full time and working partime I was avoiding human contact and doing less outside our home. I envied him but didn't know how to get back to where I once was. I went on a job interview for a better paying job than my last. Based on my resume alone I beat out over 500 people to get that interview. While being interviewed by two people in a room I almost started crying. I don't know where that emotion came from but there it was! They must have thought I was such a freak. I never got another call after that interview. I really wasn't surprised. I wouldn't hire someone with such obvious emotional problems. blah blah blah ....fast forward to now. I can only go out to eat if I'm drunk. I never drank before all this but I learned that a buzz takes almost all the insecurity and self doubt away. I constantly feel as if I could cry at any minute. Sometimes I laugh and it turns into tears and me crying. WTF!? When I do venture out to do necessary errands I feel as if have swollen eyes (I do) and am on the verge of breaking down. I generally wear sunglasses everywhere because I feel like without them people look at me and immediately know I'm a freak, a failure and am about to cry. When I wear sunglasses I feel like I'm hiding some of my insecurities behind the dark lenses. I want my life back but am so far from the good ole days that I don't know how to get there. I want to go out to eat and not worry about what people think of me. I want to walk down the street and look ahead instead of down at the ground in shame, I want my boyfriend to be proud of me like he once was. I want to visit my family. I want to not have to drink alcohol to feel normal. I want some big strong stranger to hold me and tell me everythings gonna be alright while I cry and cry in his arms. I feel like I've stored away years and years of crying, the vault that holds all that pent up emotion is overflowing and there's nowhere for the new emotions to go. What do I do next?