T413

I’ve have spent most of the day with friends and family and, all in all, it’s been one of the good days. Despite that, there is still an underlying feeling of complete loneliness inside me, even when I’m surrounded by people. I run a class every Thursday and a mutual friend said she might attend. There’s a possibility that my ex might come along with her. I never made any declaration that I was going NC. It just happened so there’s no reason why he might not come – unless he’s NC too and avoiding me. I’m a little anxious but also excited in case he does turn up and I get to see him without me even initiating contact. Cheating, I know. It does pose the question as to whether it’s him implementing NC or me. If he doesn’t come, I’ll be disappointed which means he’s still in control.

Yesterday was actually only 13 days of NC so today is day 14. Wow two weeks. I don’t feel better. In fact, I had a horrid day. I know it was after the news yesterday that my ex is starting a rival company in the same area than me. I don’t think I’ll be as emotional tomorrow. Fortunately, I have a supportive family and I was sobbed my heart out to my Mum this afternoon. I’m worried that I have moved from grieving into wallowing but I did feel better once I had cried. I have tried to take active steps to improve myself but they are very baby steps. I have stopped listening to the radio station that only plays soppy love songs. I have also limited my Facebook access. I only became a FB member a few weeks ago – on my ex’s advice! I asked everyone I knew to be a friend, including him and he hasn’t responded (why did I set myself up for a fall?). His profile is open but I don’t check his wall. Instead, I check his friends and kid myself I’m not breaking NC rules. I only logged onto FB briefly for three times today. That’s good for me but I need to stop doing it altogether. I don’t want to be a social networking stalker. For me, one of the worse things is that hope has gone. Hope that him and I will get back together. I want to part of something – part of his life. I’ve lost that. I now have to concentrate on hoping that I will be the person I was before I knew him. I loved my life then and I had been single for a very long time. Single can be good. Single can be fun. At the moment, it doesn’t seem like it but I must concentrate my thoughts. I must concentrate on healing me. It’s so much more difficult than it sounds.

I'm new to forums in general but especially to heartbreak. I met my ex through a mutual hobby we both shared. We were friends for a while but it was obvious we liked each other. I was integrated into his social groups more and more. It felt good. I'm a naturally shy person and I liked being associated with someone so popular. It seemed inevitable to me that we would be together but we didn't go public. This was mainly my fault because I was insecure about being so much older than him. I also thought he was 'out of my league' so if other girls new that we were together, they would think he'd lowered his standards and would try and split us up so they could be with him. He has a very busy life and I made a small business out of my hobby - nothing much just pocket money really. We didn't spend much time together which was rather frustrating to me. Eventually, because of my insecurities (mainly) and a few other issues, we split up after about six months. For the first five months afterwards, due to our mutual hobby we saw each other at least weekly and even went on the same holiday together with a group of his friends (although it was clear to all we were not together). During those five months, I was convinced that we would get back together. He gave me signs that he wanted to get together too. Then, last month, something changed. I think a new lady showed him the attention he loves (who doesn't?). She is great fun and in these early stages, seems hassle free, unlike me. She is much older than me (the irony - I was worried he would think me too old). She has a partner so they probably won't get together. Nevertheless, I'm sure I'm not the one in his thoughts any more. I have no doubt that reconciliation is not possible now. This breaks my heart but to make matters worse, he has now started a rival business based on our hobby about a mile from mine. He must know that this would hurt me? I had tried to do LC for the last few weeks thinking it would help me. I fully expected to see my ex tonight as part of LC (we go to the same place for our hobby once a week) but he didn't make it. As of tomorrow, I was going to start full NC because I knew it would be easy with the Bank holidays etc. As it is, I've already done 14 days of NC although it wasn't really my intention. I don't feel any stronger having completed 14 days of NC already. I am usually a strong, independent person but I don't know where I'm going to find the strength to complete NC. I just want to curl up and let the world pass by. I'm going to try and post every day as part of the NC challenge (I promise it won't always be this long). There are major NC challenges to me - get him out of my head, concentrate on healing me, don't expect reconciliation (although it's all my heart desires). I'll continue to read your helpful advice and hopefully, things will get easier with time.