r0ckox

nope. not doing this today. fighting it with my sword.

you've been lying to me for years, and you tell me what you think i want to hear to shut me up. you demand respect but don't ever give any. everything i do/say/think/feel is wrong, but it's perfectly okay for you to do/say/think/feel whatever you want without conviction. you're a terrible person in my eyes and i truly cannot wait for the day i've forgotten all about you. f-ck you.

It's funny how you only have to say "Stop talking to me" once, and I do it. Yet I've had to do it 100's of times.

you wanna know why i'm upset? it's not because you're with someone, it's not because you went and got engaged and didn't tell me. well, okay that last one is part of it.. but that's because as someone who wanted to be my "friend" - you'd think you'd share that information with me instead of lying and hiding it. but whatever. i'm upset and cannot forgive you because you KNEW how i felt about you, you KNEW you didn't want sh-t to do with me... and instead of doing the right thing and letting me go when i told you how i felt about you, you continued to come back and string me along. now you wanna sit there and feed me bullsh-t lines about how i'm an amazing person and you hope i find someone and blah blah blah. that's all sh-t you should have said 2 years ago when i wrote you a letter telling you how i felt about you. instead? you chose to come back, put me through another 6 months of hell, and then tell me you just wanna be friends after your little friend upstate came back. what you did was wrong. i have every right to hate you and be upset. i have every right to tell you to f-ck yourself and to go die. so f-ck you.

you know, while I was away... i tried to write to you. i wanted to... but every time i started it, I'd just crumple it up and toss it out... because why bother? seriously... why? i look back on our past, and there's just nothing there.. my stupid mind tricked me into believing there was. that's why i got hurt so bad after all the games you played and after all the BS.... because my mind tricked me into thinking that you actually cared. but did you? no... you proved that, time and time again - and it may be silly to you, but there's 993 pages right here of people who feel the exact same way that i do. so just understand one thing: no, i'm not gonna talk to you. you don't deserve that. i don't want to talk to you. we've got nothing to say to eachother. while i was gone you were out there "doing everything you ever wanted to do" and didn't even give me a freaking thought -- and you were also spending your time with whatshisface. kind of funny how that worked out, right? back in 2009 you swore up and down to me that he was nobody, just your friends cousin who you were "helping out" and "pretending" to like... now here it is all this time later, and you can't seem to get enough of the guy. but, it is what it is... and today in my recovery - i can finally brush it off and not give a crap.

hey stupid. how are things? oh wait, i forgot - i don't care how things are! BAHAHAHAHA.

hey, wanna hear a funny joke? YOU! hahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahaha. stupid stupid girl. at first i was just ignoring you because you seem to think its okay to talk to me whenever you feel like it - but now im ignoring you because you suck. yeah, that's right. you suck. boom.

Day 1 I'm deciding to go NC on my own this time. Partially because you simply could care less, but mostly because I deserve to heal. I've been back and forth forever. Enough is enough. You're into someone else, anyway.... so why should I waste my time? Let it begin.

ive been doing a lot of thinking. racking my brain and reading deep into a lot of things. i realized something... its not that i cant be your friend... its that i dont want to. being your friend depresses the * * * * out of me. it angers me. it bothers me to know that you dont care. i've told you 100 times now that that's how i think of you, and you can't even be bothered to try and show me im wrong. out of all the times i bugged out and said that you don't care... you never once said "yes i do care, you're wrong." not once. you ignored me every single time. and then days later, after ignoring me and the way it made me feel even worse, you say to me "well i let you calm down and think before i talk to you" yet i still keep thinking the same things over and over again....no matter how calm i am. and even when we do talk, you just continue to blame me. you never once came to me and said "you know, i was thinking about what you said...." and started a conversation on your own. you never once said "you're right, i could have been there a little more" -- like i have said to you. you probably don't remember it... it was in january 2010. you were going through the beginning stages of the MS thing. you sent me a text message and told me "it botheres me that you know i'm going through hell and not once have you tried to come see me." i read that and my heart sank, so i replied saying "you know what? you're right. i could have been more supportive. i'm sorry. i'll come over friday night and see you.." but you never did anything like that. you never once thought about how i was feeling.... just about yourself. ...and when i got there that friday night, you spent 90% of the time on the phone with one of your friends while i sat quietly on the couch in your living room, and then watched you make plans to hang out with him, telling me "ughh i'm getting dragged out again...." you acted surprised when i said i was gonna leave. i drove all the way out there for nothing...just for you to sit on the phone and flirt with your guy friend. that's the type of * * * * i mean when i say that you don't care... you don't act like a friend should. do you think i'd ever act like that to you? do you think if i know you drove an hour out of your way to my place to hang out with me, that i'd spend that time on the phone with some girl making plans to go hang out with her? i'd never do that. if someone called me while we were hanging out, i'd have told them i was busy and we'll hang out another night. but that's just me. here i sit on a regular basis upset and frustrated and you just do nothing but ignore me and hope the problem goes away on its own. yeah, you're going through what you are - i feel sorry for you for it, and sometimes i wish that i could be there and do good - but you are who you are. i am who i am. that won't change. a friendship between us will never work, just like a relationship between us didnt, and wouldnt work either. just like i jokingly told you in the beginning.... "an ex is an ex for a reason. if it didn't work the first time, it won't work a second time." you tell me that i'm some kind of alcoholic and i haven't shown you i can change and this and that, but you never spent any time with me to see what i'm like. you were never there, as a potential relationship or as a friend to try and see for yourself what was there for you. i never got the chance to get comfortable with you and get use to being around you. i can change. very easily. but like i've said so many times, i have no reason to. i say that to you because you've never given me a reason to. in fact, scratch that....i have changed. i've changed in so many ways over the last few years, it's not my fault you haven't seen it. i'm not the same giggling drug addict i use to be. i don't lie to you, don't hide * * * * from you... i don't blow you off and ignore you when you try and get in touch with me. if for some reason i take forever to get back in touch, it's because i simply dont get your call or text or IM or whatever.. the only times i ignore you is when i'm feeling like this and know that talking to you won't change anything. i sat there and spent time on the phone with you, even when i was out with my friends. i spent many nights on the phone with you for hours - because i enjoyed talking to you so much. i can remember plenty of nights i was at a bar hanging out with my buddies, and i'd go outside to talk to you. sometimes i'd spend more than an hour out there - and my friends would get pissed at me. you never did that for me. every time i called you and you were busy with your friends it was always "i'm out, i'll call you back later.." and half the time i was lucky to hear back from you, and the times i did - it was just for you to bullsh*t with me for 5 minutes and then say you were going to bed. i can remember countless nights i'd sit on the phone with you until the early morning hours, watching boring TV shows with you and bullsh*tting on the phone until you were ready to go to sleep. i can remember all those nights where you'd pretend to "fall asleep right after work" when you were really just hanging out with your friend Tom, and would try and get in touch with me at 12, 1, or 2 am.... and i'd sit online and talk to you even though i had to get up early the next day. or i'd stay up and wait to hear from you because i wanted to talk to you. but back in the day i use to tell you "i dont wanna talk on the phone. i'd rather text or IM u" and even then i'd get easily distracted and would shift my attention elsewhere. back in the day it was such a hastle to keep in touch with me. ...but i can't change, right? i spent so much time over the last couple of years thinking about you and fighting myself over what i was thinking, that i lost sight in what was really important.... me. my happiness. ive said so many things to you, and put myself out there in tons of different ways - and you just blow me off every time. i bug out at you because i feel you deserve it, and then i feel like * * * * for days because of it, convincing myself that i was wrong to say such mean things to you and i was the one with the problem. i wrote you letters, sent you long messages, opened up everything i could to try and get you to care, just to fail. just to sit around and watch you care less and less every time. i don't know why you want to be friends with me. maybe you like the "attention" even though i let you make most of the first contacts between us. maybe you're insecure and don't know any better. maybe it's an ego boost for you to know that somebody out there cares for you so much it drives them nuts... i don't know, and i've spent countless time trying to figure it out. the only thing i do know, is that one day you're gonna wake up and it's going to hit you. you're going to see things in a different light, and you're going to regret a lot of things. this will be one of them. one day you'll say to yourself "man, if i could go back in time..." but by then, i'll be long gone. i've said it before, and i'll say it again.... it's such a damn shame.

i hate this... all of this. i can't even leave my house unless it's for work. even then i don't want to. just get out of my head and go away.

How insane is this? I met my friends at one of their houses, where we were set to go out in a little while - and I started thinking about you, got so depressed, and left to come back here - so now I can drown the feeling away. I made up some BS lie to my friends about having to run back to work to change something I forgot to change. Instead? I'm here sad and lonely as sh*t. ..yet it's my fault, everything was fine until we had one stupid conversation that I misread and it's all blown up in my face again. I mean, it was going to anyway - even if I did keep my mouth shut and if I didn't act on how I was feeling - but still. I hate this, I hate this so freaking much.

It's so hard. I've been trying so much, but I can't -- I can't continue to hurt the way I am. I'm starting to think it's my fault, and starting to think that had I done things different, we would be different. But you never wanted that - You had your opportunity and didn't do anything when it was right there in front of you. You still don't. You still have the power to change the way I think about you and you still do nothing. All I wanted was words - signs that you care, that you pay attention...but I can't even get those. How could I ever get anything else if I can't even get some freaking words!? My heart sinks and I'm in a lot of pain - and through it all, all I wanted was for you to be there.

Hey, I'm awesome, and you're not.

Hey....... Guess what? It's day XX. Awesome again.

Day 40-something or 50ish? Don't even know anymore. You haven't tried to contact me in almost 2 weeks... I didn't call you back after you leaving me a VM about you "having to talk to me" - and I feel great about it. I remember a few months ago I'd post about "Day 3. Day 6. Day 3 again..... day 1" and now I've made it to somewhere between 40-50. Awesome.... just awesome.

Boo-yah! Day 27 - I didn't think I'd make it this far. I thought that once you tried to get in touch with me, no matter what you said, I'd cave like I always do.... but I did it! Just 3 more days until I hit day 30. I'm proud of myself.... Now I have to keep it up!! You last contacted me 9 days ago... then 6 days before that... then 5 days before that... I've been awesome at this ignoring you thing. maybe next time, with the next guy - you'll actually care a little... try not to make the same stupid mistakes you made with me.

Your life has meaning. Trust me. As far as you... ex....or... ex-friend or whatever the hell you are.... It's been 12 days NC. You tried contacting me on day 6 or 7, not even sure which. The sad part about all this is... you don't even know you've done anything wrong. You really have no idea what this is like, and what it's doing to me. You honestly believe I'm just "upset cause you won't be with me." A shame, really. I really looked at you like you were something else.. because you were. Then... in 2008, when you started losing weight - that's when you turned into the girl you are now. Yeah, a girl. Not even a woman yet at 24 years old. Still playing highschool games, still lying, still looking for that ego boost. It's also a shame that it took me these last 2 years to see you for the monster you actually are. It took me almost 2 YEARS!!!!!!! to finally get it, and finally understand what I already knew deep inside. It amazes me that I still have so much to say to you.

That goes for us men, too. Just so ya know Back to you now. I'm mean today. I'm thinking so angrily, and all I want to do is go back to last June when you came back from my first letter. How I wish I could have just ignored you and told you to buzz off. Sometimes - you are right... but most times.... I'm right. You think I'm crazy, insane, psychotic, and act like a girl because I expressed my hurt. If I'm so crazy and all of that......... what does that make you for talking to me all this time?

Sometimes, you're right. Maybe I have been acting silly. There's a reason behind it, though. I'm working on trying to figure it out, and fix it. You know this isn't me. I'm going to win this battle.

We haven't spoken to each other in 4 days. That's not a very long time, and I know you're going through a lot... the thing that bothers me the most, is that the last time we spoke, I told you that I was very sad, and that I felt there was nothing here for me except my job, and how I wanted to get away from here and start a new life. A new life where people accept me, and things can turn around. You made absolutely no effort into trying to make me feel better. All you asked me was "whats up with you lately man, ur losin' it." and then went on to tell me that you passed out again and woke up to me "freaking out" I'm sad, you dolt. I'm sad because I don't know who I am anymore. You did this to me. Remember when we first started talking? I enjoyed myself. I enjoyed my friends. I enjoyed going out and having a good time.... now? I hate myself. Hate my idiot friends, and can't stand going anywhere. It's kind of funny how if you came to me and said all those things I recently said to you, I'd have told you whatever I could to put a smile on your face. I'd have wanted you to feel better.......and most importantly........ I wouldn't let 4 days go by without asking "how are you feeling?" just like I did exactly that last week. I messaged you and told you I was thinking of you and hoped you were doing okay. Where's my message? Oh, that's right........ you don't care.

Don't know how many days it's been. 5? 6? Whatever. Starting to feel good again. Had a small bout of depression monday night, but after going out and getting 2 phone numbers I felt better by the time I went to sleep. I'm starting to accept things. If only you knew what you truly missed out on. Such a shame.

I'm sad today. I hate that I get like this. One day I'm feeling fine, the next I'm a mess. Why can't I just let go? Do you think I liked "bugging out" at you? (via text / email only. never had anything to say in person) Do you think i like texting you and telling you i wish you were half as nice to me as I was to you, and you having no idea what I'm talking about? I like it when I text you months down the line and talk about how unhappy I am being "friends" with you and how you never show me any interest? Do you think I like thinking about the fact that I've been consistent this whole time with what I wanted and expected, yet every time anything came from you, it was always a different story? Do you think I like the fact that you're birthday is a month away, and I know for a fact I won't see you for it....again? Do you think I like the way things turned out for us? Do you think I like thinking about all of this.... all the time?? One day I'll forgive... but will never forget.

too many things to say. some good, most bad. I'm better though. I got everything off my chest that was bothering me. I even wrote a decent email taking blame for lots of things. You said nothing about it, and the 4 times we talked after that... still nothing. I am doing better though. I'm not sad anymore. I'm content, and no... not lonely either. That's what you thought though, you thought I was just lonely. It's not loneliness if it's the only thing you know. It's only loneliness when you have feelings for someone who doesn't have them back. Yet, you didn't have these feelings -- and you still spent months and months and months talking to me, getting "jealous" and acting like you did. then, after all that time, and all the bullsh*t... it's "im not ready. i can't give you what you want right now." yeah... right. Go hard or go home.

Day 2? 3? Don't even know since I deleted all the text messages. Not like anything matters anyway. Let's hope this trend continues.

Yes, I'm okay. Not a scratch on me despite the fact I almost went through the windshield. I did crack it with my face, though. Not much concern on her part other than "at least ur okay." Whatever. Day 3. We spoke on AIM for a brief period Saturday morning. We spoke of nothing in particular. Just little bullsh*t. She randomly stopped responding, and I haven't heard from her since; despite the fact we've both been online in the last couple days. Yesterday I put on my AIM status something along the lines of: "uh oh, 'baRx' got himself a date =D!' and I know she's seen it. I did have a date set up, and was excited about it so I just put it there. My "date" turned sour when she stopped responding, though, so it's back to nothing. And no, my "date" didn't see the status as she does not know my screen name. That's a shame. I don't plan on talking to "ex" or whatever she's to be called. She really shows no concern in anything but herself. Ive explained how unhappy I was being her friend several times - and she does nothing to fix it. She knows how I feel about her, and she says nothing about how she feels. Over the last year and a half I've gotten little tid-bits of "you mean the world to me even though I never showed you" in one of her weak depressed moments, and also got a "you have no idea what you mean to me" despite the fact that she's done absolutely nothing to back that up. I've even got a "this is the 'baRx' i could fall hard for." when I was trying to be sweet with her once. COULD fall for....but won't no matter what I do or say, or however long i continue to suffer. Tease me some more, please. All in all.... its day 3 and counting.