redsuede

I think you are really being too hard on yourself. Also, I think that she handled your feelings a bit harsh. You were trying to handle a very hard and painful situation in a mature and amiable manner, but sometimes people need a different agenda in order to move on. I am so sorry that you were hurt, and it sounds to me like she didnt deserve you anyway. Its admirable that you are trying to find things you could have done differently. Self esteem gets a huge beating as it is, let alone the damage we do to it when getting dumped. take a look around. 99% of the people on this forum (me included) have tried to reconcile with their ex and try to make it work through contact. You are no different....

Hang in there, the answers will come to you when you have healed a bit and can see things more clearly.

This is a really cool post. I love to see that there is life after so much pain. Posts like these are really what I think we all need to see the most.

Thank you for posting what you learned.

life can only be good if we truly know ourselves. when we find ourselves addicted, its only because we gave them so much of ourselves, that we forgot who we are. a break-up is always a perfect opportunity to find our true self.

Thank you so much everyone.. I really feel like celebrating.. I love this. You guys have been so much support. I really hope everyone is right, that this is a GOOD sign.

**I like the whipsaw mental picture** BTW, that picture you gave me last time I put on my desktop to remind myself.

Also, I do have some pictures that I would love to release some of this anger, and a ton of things given to me that I cant stand.

If you all were here, I would give you all hugs!!!

ironpumper.. I wrote a 10 page letter and didnt send it.. I think that started the ball rolling (as well as her too good for the world attitude)

Thanks guys for not making me celebrate alone...

Thanks so much for taking part in my celebration.. Yes, Sandy, I feel soooo GOOD! I am angry and I LOVE it!

I love it.. (Newfound Anger)...

Its been sooooooooooooooooooooooo hard for me to get angry or mad, as it usually just turns in to hurt. Today, I feel so good because I am so so so mad. I want to celebrate with everyone because anger is something I dont know how to do. Literally.

How dare she treat me the way that she did. I am worth WAY better than that, and I am extremely upset she thinks I am her DOG whenever she is bored or lonely..

God, it finally feels good to be mad.

well, I read your post and I understand this completely. I am sorry you are going through this, but you pointed it out clearly for you and me both. When you talk about the dr. jekyl and mr hide thing, you now have to deal with 2 losses. The jerk is not so hard to let go of, but the charm guy comes in and its wonderful. This one is not so easy to let go of, or make sense of. This is the part where I am finding it almost impossible for me to move on. I think I am doing great some days, and then days like today, I am on the floor of the ocean sucking in all the salt water trying to make sense of it. I wish I had some awesome advice for you, but really try to focus on what is best for you.. Dont try to analyze the 2 different parts, because its only confusing. It makes me all the more confused.

I guess I really had nothing brilliant to say.

But I can say, I understand all too well what you are describing.. I am sorry you are going through this.

Thanks.. That was very nice of you to say. I appreciate it.

Please keep me posted on your situation and you can contact me anytime about your situation. I understand completely what you are going through.

never ever, ever again comprimise yourself.

Please dont. Now you need to care for yourself and your feelings more than hers. She sounds very scattered inside, but right now is for you. You have done everything you can for her, now its your turn. This is the year for you. Take note often of what you are doing, and you will see that you will be feeling better shortly. Do something good for yourself tonight.

Yes, you were. But the best thing is that you recognise this. Some people dont and go right back in to another abusers arms. I am so sorry you went through this, and just be prepared for those bad days, but if you can ride out those bad days, and not call and focus on your thoughts of a healthier life.. you will be OK. You sound like you are on the right path. I am sorry that she said that to you about she is happier... That is a horrible thing to say. Just think.. No more hurtful words you have to swallow. That my friend is a good thing.

I just got out of your situation too. Verbal Abuse is something that is very hard to sort apart. After time, even though you know it is wrong, somehow it starts sinking in your brain, and my goal in life ended up in trying to make everything as perfect as possible because I didnt want to hear more bad things or hear the Anger over who knows what, and trying to figure out where the intensive outbursts were coming from in the first place.

hang in there.. It gets better. Just go through one day at a time, and soon you will start seeing colors.

It really was just going through the hurt. Nothing really made the hurt go away, just living through it, and really trying to focus my thoughts to where they should be. Whenever I started to miss it, I would just think of all of the things that hurt me so much in the relationship, and tried to focus on bettering my life, and having better in my life. It got tricky, because I would have a good day or two, and then the next day, I would find myself sad and empty again.. The trick for me was to recognise it was just a day, and had to focus harder on why the breakup is happening. Nothing will make it go away unless you face it and go through it.

This is kind of a dumb analogy, but.. picture yourself taking a math test. If you dont try to focus on getting through it and the answers right, you have to face it over and over again until you "pass" it. Its the same thing with your thoughts.. When those days happen when it all seems so sad and lonely, ... feel it... but do a lot of self talk.. a lot of affirmations (I know, sounds dumb).. and one day, you will realize you are living those things.

well, I was a miserable mess.. Didnt sleep or eat.. ANALYZED all day long, and I just got tired of it, and scared that I would stay stuck forever. I implemented NC as much as I could, which was 90% of the time, and I took that time to try to figure out why I would want to be with someone who spent years of their life with me, and now doesnt want it anymore. I realize that I deserve to be with someone who truly wants to stay and appreciate me. Ulitimately, a break up hurts. Its what we do with our brain that keeps us stuck. If we sit around and think about how much we miss that person, that is what we will do. If we take the rose colored glasses off and see the situation for what it really is, it allows us to move on and see that there still is a life out there, and it can be good. But it wont be good if we sit in the hurt each and every day and not GO THROUGH the hurt. Just feel the hurt and try to focus on a better life and one day you will wake up with a glimmer of hope..

Take life for what it gives you. If they come back it was meant to be. But until then, act as if they are not coming back, that way you will find YOUR life, not a life that may not happen again..

Hope that helps.

for reals.. I am finding sparks of new happiness everyday. Its been 5 months, and I am FINALLY GETTING OVER IT.

**you can congratulate me now.. Lol... Just kidden**

No, its not funny when you are underneath it, but when your away from it, and see things a little bit better for what they are.. its comforting.

Yes, I have different thought on the kid issue. She didnt really want to connect with my kids much when we were together, unless it seemed like to do something against my wishes. Like I have a rule with my kids, No R rated movies. They are younger. Once I would leave, she would totally show them movies that I was horrified about, and when I was home, all she would do is complain about them. In her defense, however, if my kids approached her, she was nice to them, but to my face it was "they do this, and they do that".. So, why she is trying to contact them now, it bothers me. Plus the fact she was extremely critical of me, and mean, I feel its best to break all contact, thus, the kid thing making it harder on me.

I guess mostly, the LC thing is more of she was my best friend, or I thought, for 7 years. I always tried to be nice and fair. Ignoring her calls or her emails just would be one thing I would have to force myself to do, because its not in my nature to do something that may hurt her. I have hurt her tons I am sure, but not intentionally.

BUT.. Everyone here is right. Life goes on, and one day I did wake up happy. This morning I woke up happy. I am glad I am not being constantly critisized, or neglected.

You once told me to stay in "the parking lot". She would come back full force, and manipulate me.. you said plan on it, and expect it and I would suffer like I never knew before. You were right about the suffering. As far as the coming back part, it hasnt happened, but I have only been not contacting her for this month. But living through that has helped me tons.. so thank you.

Hey, your girlfriend is my girlfriend too.. Lol. Im keeping that picture.. That is a good reminder for me.. And its funny!

As far as my kids now, she had not a lot in her that wanted to deal with my kids, until now. Now she is constantly sending them messages on their My space asking to see them. It bothers me because it wasnt like that when we were together and living together.

Lol

You make my day!

Lol.. And I am a habitual analyzer. Always wondering when the emotional whipsaw is coming..

No, You are right. I guess since I am the dumpee, I dont have to worry about appearing "mean", and me looking at her "my space" would be a quick way for me to drano my heart. I stay away from all of that. I am done with PAIN. No more. I deserve faithfulness, one thing I didnt get.

Thanks for the heads up. and thanks for sharing about you too.

I have made a goal to myself to NEVER make contact, but its still hard to ignore her contact. We rarely speak, and its usually by email. I am doing much better. I still have my days, but they are coming further and further apart where they are hard. At first though, it felt like a huge boulder fell on my heart and crushed it in a million pieces. I had to find each and every piece of it and glue it back together.. Its finally starting to heal. My question to you friscodj, if you dont mind of course, is how long did it take you to learn all of this that you know. You seem like such an expert on this whole thing.

actually, thanks to you friscodj, I am healing just fine, and find that my days are actually bright and shining now for the most part. I still have those days where I want to cry, or do! . (Its been 4 months since I have been off the rollercoaster)... I was just wondering as a general question. I have realized the importance of NC for me. I cant function and think right when there is contact, It makes me forget about my end goal, which is to be healthy, and not take certain treatment. But, I wondered if LC ever works to heal as well? Or with LC, does that take out the chance of the X wondering about you?

Just a curiosity question. Has anyone ever done LC and healed and /or got your x back?

Okay.. My 2 cents.

I have learned to use my brain, because my heart keeps leading me in the torture trap..

Use your past as your road map. She has done this to you before. I used to think that if I held on at all costs that my x would see this as a sign that I am the one who stood through thick and thin. But, it kept happening, and got worse.

In this I am not saying anything other than you should really look out for what is best for you. She is looking out for what is "best" for her. She sounds completely confused, and she leaves you when she is. You dont need this in your life and it is painful, and leaves you feeling bad. You should be able to feel security in your life and not insecurity. The more she leaves, the more you will worry when she will leave next. Make sure she has healed what is in her that makes her do this in the first place before you take her back, if taking her back is what YOU decide to do.

Take care.. Keep us updated.