star111

Can't get through Day 1. I think this is making me worse....I emailed him a bunch just because he responded once or twice. I won't pick up the phone to talk. I already know what he thinks/feels. He even pushed to the point of sayin things didn't work because of me, and I still feel because I know it should have been different. Which isn't the case- I know this, in seeking outside opinions and even professional advice. So that drives me more mad. One of those manipulative people who makes you feel they are all right and it's you that's wrong. I don't know what I'm doing even thinking about him anymore. Wasting energy , and being let down. Maybe it's true I'm used to the pain, so am feeding into it. I want to let myself just be. and be happy.

Day 0 I found this message board after feeling crappy for emailing him. usually I get no response. Today I got a response, pretty much saying he's fine and happy and doesn't miss the tension and fighting, and he's not what I need to feel better, etc., etc. I tried to not respond. But felt the need to comment on things he said. I wish I never emailed in the first place. He doesn't want it, I know it can't really be. I responded. So here I go again.....30 days.

Day 1 I seem to break about once every month...and contact. even when he doesn't respond. He has stopped contacting me- and has proved to be the bigger person. I just wish I knew how he was doing so well at it. For awhile we were equally struggling, and holding on to what we knew had to end and staying in touch. And it's true- every time there is contact, the pain and memories start right up like it is brand new. I need to get past the 30 days, because I think I have yet to go that long. It's been a year since the break up, but we dragged on and off since. Last saw eachother 4 months ago-was an amazing weekend of highs and bliss, which quickly came back down to lows and reminders of why we just can't be together. Accepting this challenge, scary as it may be....I need to let go completely.