Carus

Personally I don't think one can heal from this without it.... You mentioned you're in your late 20's....Mate, take it from a craggly old 500 year old: Uproot your life if you can and move to a different country. Experience life to the fullest. Experience different cultures, food, sights etc.....This would be the best thing for you.....you know, so long as you don't have a mortgage or kids or such... If you step over the ledge into the world just keep in mind, if it doesn't work out, you can always come back later* Did you actually read my last post.....?? Sending You Strength*

Actually it was more like "No.No.No...oh ok then"....But she knew full well I wasn't really into it. So that is on her. Perhaps she thought that if we had a child that, that would lock me in and I'd never get away. I believe that's a thing right? Depends on ones belief system 😇🙏 Yes me too......I 99% believe it would not have 'fixed' everything..... I understand....and I did try for a bit over 4 years before coming to this point.... So you understand then that, that 'pondering for 2 years' is such an uncomfortable limbo. Not a nice way to spend your days. You can't live like that. Something has to eventually give, one way or another. It may still work out in time, but I have this belief that going back now after only 7 days apart is not the right thing to do.....and what a 7 days it's been.....sigh*

To be fair to her, I should have been stronger in my resolve rather than relenting and doing what I could see was important to her..... Yes there's got to be compromises and wanting to work with your partner, but in this case it hasn't worked out..... It's that damn 'putting others needs above my own' thing.....But what's happened has happened, I don't have a time machine, so all I can do is take the lessons learned here forward with me*

This^ and this^.....And now that the immediate danger has passed, I would say we'll go back to this^ I have stated that my heart is just not in it but she is in the Denial stage.....She also seems to not be good at hearing what I'm saying. Like if someone was saying to me I don't want to get married, I don't want to have children, I don't really love you.....Well I know what I'd be doing. Yup. I've long been a people pleaser and put the concerns of others above my own, and look where it's got me now. And I agree. I saw a good video last night about not feeling guilty for initating a divorce/breakup. She basically said "If you feel what you are doing is for your higher good, then you need to know it's for their higher good also.....even though it doesn't seem like it at the time"..... That does bring some comfort right? Surely noone deep down wants to be with someone that doesn't really want to be there*

It's a good question and I really don't know. I guess I could be 'content' in the marriage but I certainly recognize that there are things that have brought it to this point which cannot be brushed aside or swept under the rug..... As far as trying to get there, all it would take is a phone call from me and she'd come back. But would that just be out of pity from my side? And would things be ok for a time and then just deteriorate again? That would be the risk.....I'd need to be 100% sure and right now, I'm just not..... More time is needed. It's a possibility but I'm not expecting that no. There are other issues as well. The child thing is a big one though. I don't recall discussing that no. I wasn't aware that people sat down and made lists of how things are going to be once married. I was happy to adopt her daughter as my own and she didn't really bring it up until we were married.....After which she went full force on it.

I wouldn't necessarily call it a 'prison sentence' but I certainly believe that things wouldn't get much better no....

Thanks Jaunty and thanks Bolt for those stories. This quote^ speaks a lot of truth.....and so let me be a little more truthful and vulnerable here: I got to a point where I thought "Ok. I can see how important this is to her" and took an approach of well if God wants us to have a baby then that's what will happen..... So we stopped using protection....Yet after a year there was still no child. So I guess that's not what God/The Universe wanted..... And now, I feel like separating before she does get pregnant is the right thing to do for the reasons I've run over earlier in the thread*

Thanks Lambert - It is difficult because I still do care about her for sure. I agree with what you say and when I got the news I of course jumped into action if you will. Now that the immediate danger seems to have passed I can start to back off again. Thankyou for recognizing that she is in a fragile state. Of course she is. In the last 2 months she has lost her job, lost her husband and been struck by a car! It's a lot to take on for anyone. I do hope she has the strength to get through the next little while* Here is some friendly advice from some woman driving a car lol ~ I have a friend here who separated from his wife for 6 months. They are now going well* Regards*

Just thought I'd quote that in case y'all missed it..... ================================================== Where have I said that any of this has not been a big decision? It's massive and of course confusing. Has noone else ever been in this situation....? Actually I didn't 'want' any of this.....But after 4 years of being unsure and trying to grow a seed that wouldn't grow, what are the other courses you are suggesting....? Right now the bigger part of me feels I can't be in this marriage. Will that change over time? You tell me. Will it be too late if it does and she decides she's done? If that is what happens then that is what happens. Well apart from that first quote above^^.....I guess if that is the impression you got then that is probably what the truth is once you pull back the covers. Perhaps when some people leave a relationship that's it, they're instantly done. But I think the majority would still go through a stage of doubt and confusion no....? I partly agree. If we got back together now then she wouldn't be wandering around in a fugue state. However, the other issues, mostly the child thing, how does a couple resolve that? What is your opinion on that? Obviously one person is going to have to compromise which then leaves the other person.... where? Are you referring to my exwife from a few years ago? What can I say? I'm a hellova guy....haha No I'm joking....If it is her you're referring to, I was the one who got overly invested and attached. Something I did for most of my life. Something I had to learn not to do* Thanks for your input. Look forward to your thoughts on the child thing*

Yes, you do..... Were these 'Lies' or just things she hasn't told you yet? I think there's a difference there right? Sounds like most of what she's told you all happened in the past...... Why is she telling you these things now? Well, possibly because she want's to clear her conscience so she can move forward more with you.....It's obviously something that sits inside her and it's good she wants to be honest with you right....? Let me ask you: Would you rather not know these things....? Would you rather she feel she can't be open and honest with you? You need to be her rock. Not a doormat. Get some Corey Wayne into your blood. I had a client once who was convinced his wife was having affairs when it turns out she wasn't. He drove himself into that hole and had to do a lot of work to pull himself out of it.....I only worked with him. I never met his wife...... Fortunately he was able to turn it around and last I heard his marriage was back on track* And I will leave you with this: Affairs never last nor end well. So if there is anything going on, it will all come out eventually and you can deal with it then. So in the meantime, don't drive yourself into a straight jacket thinking too much* Regards*

Best you straight away dive into some research on Limerence on Google and YouTube. It's a living hell and I feel for you buddy.....* And while you're studying and healing, keep this quote from Seraphim at the front of your mind. Stick in on your fridge or mirror if you have to....!

It's only been a week and you are asking me to make such a big decision in such a short amount of time....? Of course I'm undecided....It's not like I was completely miserable in my marriage. So I need time as well.... That's why we are spending some time apart, not standing in front of the judge saying "Divorce Please!"... The most successful reconciliations tend to happen after some time apart. I'm talking weeks, months and in some cases, years....Not 7 days ya! I've told her what my issues are and why I can't be with her right now but she is blinded by grief and doesn't hear what I saying..... Of course I'm undecided...Again, 1 week.......🙏

Bataya - I still appreciate you reading and responding. The Universe is always changing, and so in one way or another, this too will change 🙏 ================================================================ I was actually going to mention this too. When a relationship or moreso a marriage ends, there is definately an element of shame that we heap on ourselves. We certainly don't need more from family and friends.....However, I think we tend to do that to ourselves. Generally friends and family are pretty understanding and supportive... at least in our Western cultures right? Thankyou for your well wishes. I do hope that too Bolt and that she has the strength to get through this. It's only been a little over a week so the shock and trauma is still very fresh. I've woken up to a text this morning saying she doesn't want to go to her family. She wants to wait until I'm ready to be back with her. I might try and reiterate to her that, that's probably not going to happen, at least in the shorter term... =============================================================== You are correct. It's quite common in these poverty stricken countries. I'm sure it's still not easy though. I do wish though that she would take this opportunity to go be with her daughter. She is on school holidays and my wife isn't working at the moment. In fact during our time together and now, I have set her and her family up financially so they need not worry about money. At least I did that 🙏 Yes, God I can't tell you the terrible thoughts I had when I got the news and then we couldn't find out where she was! But I would agree with your assessment. I doubt she did it intentionally although she has said she wants to die.....But regardless, I'm very grateful she is 'generally' ok....* Yes definately, and furthermore to have children thinking that will solve the issues when really, it doesn't. The issues 'I' had could probably be worked out but if she was to get pregnant, perhaps in time I'd start to resent her etc...and I didn't want it to get to that point. But something I don't think I've mentioned is that, despite her being a wonderful wife and person, my heart just wasn't in it 100%. I went in and tried for a few years to nourish and grow that love for her but it just wasn't getting any better. And so I have to ask myself, how long would I be able to carry on like that and again would I actually start resenting her etc....? I don't want that for either of us* ============================================================ And finally my dear CatFeeder. The angel of the forum. Thankyou, it helps to have that reaffirmed because she really is wonderful and there is a part of me still questioning WTH am I doing?? As the relationship progressed and she more and more made me her 'everything', I always tried to dissuade that knowing it's not a good thing to do. Unfortunately she really doesn't have much of a life outside of 'us' so I can understand why it was happening..... But now she will be forced to do her best to make a life outside of us right? I just hope she has the strength to get through it, and I have the strength not go back out of sadness and pity....at least not in the short term anyway* The disagreement on having children, I don't know how a couple can reconcile that. One person is going to have to compromise and that is going to leave the other person not very happy. I also don't want to have a child and then put them into a relationship that probably has an eventual expiry date anyway. Yes, she is....In fact I woke up to another text this morning saying how difficult it is and how much she wants to be with me. It's only been a week though and the first stages of grief are Shock and Denial right? It's not callous at all and thankyou for attending to the details in my story* In fact, I remember sustaining an injury whilst going through a bad breakup and thinking "What's going to heal first? My injury or my heart?"..............so in some ways yes, it can shift the focus a little. Myself and some other friends are telling her to go to her family but right now she just won't go 😞 Yes well, I've been in her position many times so I know full well how that goes. I am staying away but still wanting to offer support from afar and where I can. You can see why I started this thread but thankfully that immediate danger seems to have passed....for now. I'm fighting my own urges to go back and try and reconcile this marriage but there is definitely something inside me that knows that would probably be a mistake right now.....Let alone the friends I have that have done it themselves telling me don't do it, coz you'll only have to go through this again further down the road.......I'm sure there'd be a thousand people on this very forum who would say the same thing* I appreciate that ad infinitum and I'm sure I will. It does help and there will be a long way to go yet* ================================================================ So thankyou so much to everyone who is reading this thread and even moreso dropping thoughts and comments. It's helping me more than I can express. It's hard on me too and I'm also in pain myself 🙏

Yeh I know. Different strokes for different cultures I guess....and perhaps it wasn't a planned pregnancy. Perhaps there was a lot of shame inflicted back then, who knows 🤷‍♀️ But perhaps not. The family was still obviously willing to take on the new child whilst the mum went away to find work.....Difficult times. Bringing it back to now, I'm pretty sure her family would still be supportive and I actually think she's hesitant to go at this stage because she's sitting over there praying I'm going to change my mind any second now 😞

Heh...Neither, but you know people have children out of wedlock right...? 😉 When she got pregnant the father just took off.....and has been absent ever since*

BoltnRun - Nice to 'see' you (despite it being here) and thanks for your note* I hear that. I don't 'hate' any of my ex's. They all did what they felt was right for them at the time, and to be honest, in hindsight, I admire them for having the strength to do it. This is my first time as the initiator and if you still love the person it's like breaking your own heart as well...! However, in those cases and I assume in yours, much time has already passed. If I heard my exwife was in hospital, I don't think I'd be writing on a forum about whether or not I should be in contact with her. I'd just wish her well from afar* Yeh I agree, but I'm going to go with she didn't. It just sounds more like she's just walking around in a daze due to the extreme shock, grief and trauma......I highly doubt she did it to 'get me back', but I can't rule out she may have done it to end it all....if you know what I mean* I don't think they know, especially as her daughter was texting me earlier asking where she is.......And you would think the family would support her wouldn't you? But alongside what I mentioned above, in many cultures such as this, if a woman gets divorced, it brings great shame on the family and they can actually turn against her! This is also playing into the trauma she is experiencing..... Now I can't say that this will definately be the case with her family, but myself and some friends are suggesting she go to spend this time with her family and she seems to be very reluctant to do that. Yeh been there. Got the souvenirs.... And until this happened we were doing ok with the extremely minimal contact. So I'm glad she's not in a coma or anything like that and I can start to back off again....although I know she is pining away over there and her last text as I posted above, was asking how long we're going to stay separated.... I can't answer that right now coz she really is a great wife. But there are some things missing and do I go back and live the rest of my life with 'just good enough'.....? xox

Thanks to everyone who has replied here. It helps to write it out and know that I'm not alone. Whatever the situation, I don't think anyone want's to hear their ex or soon to be ex or partner has been hit by a car or tried to commit suicide or God forbid, actually committed suicide...etc etc.... So I'm glad she's generally ok and hopefully we can move forward a bit more smoothly from here. It helps to hear I've made the right decision. MissCanuck has not been the only one to say this to me. Astungkara 🙏

To be honest it was some years ago so I can't remember. But I'd have to say no it wasn't something we discussed in great length....I have kids that are grown and she has her daughter. But it wasn't really until after we were married that she started going full force about it.... And in fact, I told her for a little over two years that I didn't really want to get married again....but she wouldn't listen and finally I relented..... Why? Because she's a great girl, I could see how important it was to her and I thought that perhaps I could make it work......Unfortunately time has now revealed that the answer is no, I couldn't..... So yes I should have pulled out long ago. That is on me and I accept full responsibility for that.... But unless you have a Time Machine I can borrow, what's done is done, I can't go back and beat myself up about it and all I can do now is move forward and play the cards that are dealt to me....And for now, deal with the situation at hand and hope she has the strength to get through this period* xox

Yes I can see how this triggers those thoughts in you Sam* But yes, it's a very common thing here. I wouldn't say it's something the parent(s) want to do in most cases, but more of a necessity of survival. She talks to her daughter every day through video call and sends money to the family every month. Difficult situation but that's how they do it* We did talk about bringing her daughter here to live with us but at that age it would be quite distressing for her....for a time anyway. Everything she knows is there. Her school, her friends and her attachment to the grandparents and siblings. In fact when the family came to this island for the wedding, the daughter still slept in the bed with the grandparents, not with us.....as per attachment theory*

Dear Starlight and MissCanuck* Thankyou both for your replies and compassion during this difficult time. Yes it's difficult, especially when the child is sick. As a mother you would of course be dying to be with them! But in many of these countries they are extremely family orientated and it's not uncommon for 3 or 4 generations to still be living under the same roof. It's a financial thing as well as poverty is rife and there is little to no government aid. Thankyou, yes I am concerned. I was suicidal after my last breakup and have worked as a counselor so I am well aware that is not something to be brushed aside. No plans to divorce right now and we've only separated about 8 days ago, but at this stage it is difficult to see us reconciling this marriage. As MissCanuck mentions in her post after yours, initiating the separation has been the right decision. There were obviously issues that have brought us to this point, the biggest I guess being the not wanting to bring a child into this environment. Yeh God tell me about it. Nobody walks down the aisle thinking "I'll get divorced one day". But I also don't think it's right for somebody to remain in a relationship where they are not happy. That situation usually has an expiration date and I know some people hang in there for years, but eventually, the day usually comes* In fact that 'commitment' was a big reason why I did try for some years to make it work. In the end though it was just getting heavier on my soul* =============================================================== Thankyou for recognizing that. Breakups indeed can, and do, kill. Been there myself. And I didn't break with her because of any malice. Of course I still care about her wellbeing. Yes thanks. I do feel that considering the situation, it's the right thing to do. She's just text me now thanking me for caring about her and her daughter and asking me how long will we be separated for. I've replied that I can't say but she really should go spend some time with her daughter and family. It helps to hear you say I made the right choice because that was some that was something I struggled with for months leading up to this and then especially as it took place. But as time goes by I start to realise more and more that I really don't think it would change and soon enough we'd only have to go through this all again....and that's not fair on either of us. I also have friends who have done it and they highly advise me not to do it. I've also read a thousand stories that follow that exact script. Yes some people do reconcile and it works out but I wouldn't say it's the majority*

Yes I agree....Although it's not really about my feelings, it's more about her feelings and whether or not being in contact with her is good or not. I've been there myself many times so I know it can prolong healing and give hope where perhaps there is none. When I heard she was in hospital I of course rushed straight over there trying to find out where she was* I do not know....It's possible*

Thankyou Sam* Yes her daughter is only 8 and lives with her family. This is very common here in Asia for the children to stay with the family as the parent(s) have to go where the work is......Difficult for sure, but it is how it is* I appreciate your shared concern because I would say she is in the throes of a mental breakdown due to immense grief, shock and trauma...... I've been there myself*

As a quick update I've just had her young daughter texting me asking where she is..... So I've actually sent a message now saying I hope she's ok but please talk with your daughter because she still needs you* So nevermind......

Thanks Kwothe* The thoughts that it was a ruse did cross our minds but I'm pretty sure it's been confirmed now. One question I guess is why the hell was she wandering out into the traffic? Was that on purpose? 😞 I appreciate your reply. In breakups, extended periods of no contact are definately helpful in moving past the pain, but perhaps in this situation it would be right to just send a message saying I hope she's doing ok... coz I do hope that! It won't be 'asking around' though. It will be a message directly to her......* The false hopes will just have to be dealt with by her I guess* It's never easy*

Ahh Starlight. You're still here 🙂 No. On a dating website. 2.5 years. She can be very jealous and she made me her whole world. At this stage we're not rushing to get divorced no, and that is not my issue/question right now.... Any thoughts on my actual question......?