Heather. I don't know what to say anymore - I like every time I think things will work out somehow, they fall apart again anyway. I try so hard to be positive, believe it or not. I'm tired of being let down, tired of being let go, tired of being left with the last word. Whoever said silence is golden is full of it. Silence kills. It seems that once you start believing in the theory of an "us," there is no more "you." Is that the ultimate goal of every relationship? To take two creative and unique individuals and meld them into a senseless and common being?
I can't say that I look forward to every day because that would be lying. At the very least, I'm curious to see what's around the corner. It seems that every exciting experience I've had crashes a little harder than the next. If all of this is building up to a climax, I don't think I want to be conscious to see it.
It seems like every time I think I can believe in something, it turns me away. I don't think my expectations are high; I usually think that if I just do my best, something good will turn out of it. But my best is usually not good enough... You can only bend over backwards so long before you're wishing someone would eventually meet you half way. I think that sometimes I get a little lost, but I can always come back to who I am, but that's only because I never tried to be anyone else. I used to think that was a good thing, but I'm not so sure anymore.
I can only be cerebral so long before I start to over rationalize, over compromise, and over empathize with everything so much that I forget what I stood for in the first place. If I had a choice, I'd rather be passionate than cerebral. And if you're lucky enough to be passionate AND cerebral, then it seems like only one works at a time. When you're full of passion, you're rarely cerebral and on the other end, thinking too much drains you of your passion until you're just viewed as a cold machine. At least that's how it works for me.
A thinker, but not a doer - trust me, I'm even more sick of it than you are. I've had to live with it for most of my life. No monuments were ever erected to people who maintained the status quo. I don't blame you for walking out, hating me, or resenting me. I do blame myself for missing out on everything this world had to offer, but not because I never tried. I did try, but whether I tried hard enough is something you can't ever accurately gauge. I keep waiting for a good, new beginning, but it doesn't seem like the bad ones ever end.
I can't blame you for living your life like a dreamer, because I did that for most of my life. I guess when two of us get together, one of us has to become the realist. And the other one grows to resent them.
I try so hard to please everyone that in the end, the person I let down the most is me. I'm sorry for what you've had to go through, but I feel that I was right there with you for every painful minute of it; even if not physically, mentally.
Since I've never known how to end things, I'll just end it with some quotes that I happen to like...
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"I'd rather attempt to do something great and fail
than to attempt to do nothing and succeed."
- Robert Schuller
"We attract hearts by the qualities we display;
we retain them by the qualities we possess."
-- Suard
"You will recognize your own path when you come upon it, because you will suddenly have all the energy and imagination you will ever need."
- Jerry Gillies
