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EyesOnThePrize

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  1. EyesOnThePrize
    Day 14 - Hard to believe its been 2 weeks since I've talked to her. In some ways, it has flown by. I haven't had any contact with her since her voice mail of last Wednesday or Thursday (I think it was Wednesday). I miss her, and I'm getting used to not having her around. I'm sure she's busy doing whatever she's doing in Texas, and I don't obsess about it, and I suspect that she doesn't obsess about me, and I'm fine with that at this point. I did "leak" a progress report on my LiveJournal, posting the same thing I posted here about the book I read on Emotional Regression. Its part of the "Work on yourself...visibly" part of things. As of last week she was still reading my journal, I have no reason to believe she's not reading it now. And I do want to read that book again and soon, however right now I've lent it to my housemate. For me, its on to finishing "The Five Love Languages" and I've just started "I hate you, don't leave me", a book on BPD. Even a few pages in I see evidence that my ex may have BPD, and I cry. I think about how she must be hurting inside, and how my lack of understanding didn't help the situation any. Ah, if we are ever to reconcile, we have a lot of work to do. And that's okay. To me, she's worth it, if she's really going to the do the work on herself. I had lunch with an old co-worker of mine today. The last time she saw me was about 2 weeks after I found out about the divorce, and I was a total wreck. Today she said a few times that she was very impressed with how far I seem to have come. That was nice to hear, because while I believe that I am changing, the proof is in other people seeing it. Otherwise, I think its just talk. Busy day at work, so I didn't get to think about her that much. Actually, I don't think about her 24/7 like I used to. I still think about her a lot, and its mostly in a good way. I really don't blame her for things. She was just doing the best she could. My ex did some modeling, and I did a lot of photography of her. She is my primary subject in my portfolio. On a modeling site on which I participate, I had taken her pictures off as my avatar. I changed them back today, and realized there was no pain from looking at them. Some sadness, and at the same time, I was filled again with hope that we'd be making beautiful images together again. Who knows? Time will tell. I'm going to go upstairs and read for a bit before going to sleep, and have my nightly talk with her to clear off my day. Tomorrow is the 1/2-way point, although now I'm considering going more than 30 days. Not because I don't want to talk to her, because I want her to keep getting the impact of life without Eyes. I'm mostly at peace these days, which is great as far as I'm concerned. I think I've done about all the grieving I'm going to do. I'm enjoying the time I'm taking to work on myself.
  2. EyesOnThePrize
    Day 13 - Busy at work, I had a weak moment where I almost checked her LJ, more my OCD than really caring what was there. I realized today that I don't care about what she's doing on a day to day basis, and I don't care what she and slimeball are doing. I do care that she's healthy and doing well, and I do miss her. I would love to talk with her or even e-mail her to share what's been going on in my life. And yet, another day gets marked off the calendar and I don't do this and I'm fine and perhaps even stronger. I went to the divorce/separated support group tonight, it was a good meeting. I'm becoming friendly with one of the guys there, and I think its good to have someone to talk with about things. One woman was going off on a rant about how those of us who have some hope of reconciliation are fooling ourselves, because she held on for years and kept getting hurt. She really started nudging my lizard towards fight, and I held back and chose a different reaction. This woman was master talking the hell out of us, and really attempting to impose her beliefs on us. The funniest thing (maybe most ironic?) of it was her telling us how she had moved on and was dealing with life so well now, when her entire sharing was laced with what I saw as extreme bitterness. Oh well, that's her problem, not mine. I have not had a good experience with this woman, her personality it a type that generally grates on mine. I was tolerant and respectful, and I suspect that's all she'll get out of me. I'm going to head to bed in a few to have my nightly conversation with the ex, which maybe gets to her, maybe not. I hope she's happy. I know I am.
  3. EyesOnThePrize
    You might want to copy this into its own thread, and just use this one for your experiences with NC. I think you're more apt to get feedback that way.
  4. EyesOnThePrize
    For what?
  5. EyesOnThePrize
    I think if he truly wants you back now, he'll still want you back in 30 days. If he is just playing a game, 30 days will give him some time to sort out his head. Its like they say in recovery programs...."Try it our way for 90 days. The alcohol/cocaine/gambling/food/whatever will still be there in 90 days waiting for you with open arms. But for now, your disease is in control of your thinking. In 90 days you'll be able to think for yourself." I know that 30 days of NC is advocated here, and I think the same principle applies.
  6. EyesOnThePrize
    Day 12 - Busy day. I thought about her a lot, didn't obsess about her. It turns out the guy I was staying with last night is divorced from a woman with seemingly a very similar personality and we were able to talk about some things, which was nice. I did terribly in the tournament, although I had a lot of fun. It was great hanging out and meeting a lot of new people and making some new friends. I had my nightly talk with her last night, just a short one...I was exhausted. Finished a book I really enjoyed today about emotional regression, I'll post more about it at some point. It gave me a lot of insights on my behaviors (and some of hers) and why I reacted sometimes like I did, and perhaps how I can change them in the future. One of the things my ex told me was that I didn't "get it" a lot of times with her, and she was probably right. Now that I'm doing all this learning, I "get it" a whole lot more, and I'm confident I could deal with her more effectively in the future. In fact, I was temped to send her a text that just said "I get it now. Not all of it, I'm still learning, but I'm a lot closer than I was." I decided not to do this for 3 reasons. 1) I promised myself NC for at least 30 days; 2) I promised myself I wouldn't interfere with her new relationship and I think this would constitute that; and 3) I'm still learning, and if I said that today I could react more effectively as much of the time as I'd like, I think I'd be lying. And I think I'm on the right track. I made a comment to my housemate about "I don't even know what's going on with her since I don't read her LJ" (which, in retrospect, was asking him what she had posted) and he mentioned she had just made one post about the storms in Texas, basically the same information she had left me on the voice mail a few days ago. He was also talking to someone with whom she used to work, and she thinks that my ex is probably going to be very unhappy in Texas. Still, that was her choice, she has to live with it. Tomorrow, back on my Nutrisystem, back to the gym, back to the support group, a busy day!
  7. EyesOnThePrize
    Day 11 - I'm out of town in a room with 20 guys and 1 girl...no, she's not a stripper. lol. I'm in San Francisco and went through Japan Town today, a place we've gone several times together. I saw so many things I would have liked to buy for her...but me getting her gifts isn't the way things work anymore. It was hard to resist, though...I think these things would make her smile, and her smiling and being happy means so much to me, because she's so unhappy most of the time. It was kind of tough being here without her, although this is not a trip she would go on with me in any case in all likelihood. I've been too busy today to think about her a bit, just times like now when its slow. There's part of me that wonders why she hasn't broken down and contacted me recently, and then there's that part of me that thinks she's just respecting my wish for no contact. 'm still waiting for the tax return in the mail, and wondering if she'll put any sort of note in it. She may also be posting in her live journal and thinking I'm getting updates on her life that way, although I blocked her live journal, so that wouldn't be working. Its sad...I miss her so much, but every day goes by the realization that we are just not together anymore and are not the part of each other's life we were before sinks in a little more. What a frickin waste. There was so much good in our relationship, and the more I'm learning, the more I realize that our problems are resolvable. Instead, she's with another guy and I'm 1,200 miles away and we may never be together again. Some days its really hard to take the long view and realize that this is a process that could take months or even years to fully resolve itself. Today I just really miss my best friend.
  8. EyesOnThePrize
    Day 10 - I feel good today, but I am really missing her. 10 days without talking to the woman I love sucks. There's so much I want to share with her (like the part about my G-D cat spraying me in the face last night...but I digress) and I want to laugh and joke and hear her voice. I miss her face. I listened to her voice mail from the other day a couple of times. Not listening for any hidden meanings, its just nice to hear her voice. And I still think she wanted to talk to me, or else she would have just e-mailed me the same information. I don't know if the NC stings her. I guess it really doesn't matter. Its what I believe I have to do for me. I do think its good that for the most part she's respecting my boundaries. Neither of us was really good at that during the marriage. And my journey of growth and learning continues. I think I'm moving forward every day. And I think I understand her a little better every day. I had my nightly talk with her last night...I was punchy during it again. I talked about my therapy session, and my going away this weekend, and my wondering if I'm going to be ready for casual dating soon and general things here. I really don't dwell on what might be happening there too much. Heck, since she's not there for these conversations, its not like I'd get a response. I was supposed to go out to dinner with my business partner and his wife (soon to be ex-wife? They are having serious issues and he seems to more think its a business deal than anything...very different thinking than mine) with a single friend of theirs, however that woman canceled, so I think I'm just going to relax tonight. Its my geeky SciFi channel night anyway. Plus I want to sleep early since I have a flight at 7:20 AM. And I really miss my best friend.
  9. EyesOnThePrize
    My condolences to you and your family, hfc...take care of yourself.
  10. EyesOnThePrize
    Day 9 - Not my greatest day. Again, I haven't gone more than 6 days without talking to her in 9 1/2 years. I really miss her and her voice and just seeing her. I'm tempted to go listen to the phone message from yesterday again just to hear her voice. I'm also running on about 5 hours of sleep and I know myself well enough to know that I'm not at my best when I'm tired. I just finished watching 'Enchanted', which was really cute, and also got me thinking that slimeball is her Edward and I'm her Robert...but that's just a movie. I'm sure she's missing me, too. I know this is tough on her, too. Tougher maybe since she chose to pack up her life and move 1,200 miles away, to a place where the only person she knows well is someone she will get to know much better (for better or worse) in the next few weeks and months. No thoughts of breaking NC, though (well, not strong ones, at any rate). This is about me healing and learning to set boundaries and having her respect my boundaries, too. I am not going to be the one to cave here. But damn....I really miss her.
  11. EyesOnThePrize
    People deal with guilt in strange ways. I feel guilty, I stuff food in my mouth. Some people feel guilty and cut themselves. Some people feel guilty and get together with someone they know is bad for them. Some people feel guilty and give money to charity. She's just doing what makes sense to her. As always, just my opinion.
  12. EyesOnThePrize
    Day 8...finished our taxes today and sent them to her. She called to talk about it. I didn't take the call, but it was nice to hear her voice on the voice mail, and even nice to hear a little bit about her life there. Its also nice that she wasn't asking for help from me with anything, in fact she thanked me for everything I had done. It would have been nice to hear her say "I miss you", and at the same time I think she was saying that when she said "I'll call you later", and just in the fact that she could have e-mailed me and not called. I had my nightly talk with her before I went to sleep, I even brought up in it that I might not keep the talks going indefinitely, because I needed some space, and that I still had to concentrate on me. I talked about us being apart for 7 days, the longest we'd been away from each other in 9+ years. I was really tired during the talk, and not at all sure I was lucid for all of it. Good thing I was the only one there! I'm not obsessing about what she's doing anymore, or about her relationship. Those are her issues, I have enough to worry about in my own life. Today was mostly relaxing at work, I shut my brain down a bit for the day after tax season. Overall, I'm doing well. I got some supplies for my garden, took my house mate to work, started a new book, and tonight I'm going to watch a movie. Nice and relaxing, the way I like life.
  13. EyesOnThePrize
    Day 7. The longest we've been apart in 9 years. I wonder if she's realizing that, too (probably, if I mentioned it to her, she'd say something about how OCD I was. It was also April 15, so the tax deadline helped keep my mind off her. I think about her a lot, and not with so much sadness. I miss her a lot, too, especially as I type this. And I also realize that we're going to be apart for a long time, maybe forever. In fact, I'm beginning to get used to the assumption that we're going to be apart forever, at least as lovers. I know she wants to be friends, and I think that I can reach that level at some point. I think that once I get to the point where I can think of another relationship, being her friend will not be a challenge. There will always be that part of me that will wonder what might have been, and she is such an amazing person I hope that she is in my life in one way, shape or form forever. I had my nightly chat with her last night, and I got some things off my chest. I told her how frustrated I was about how she left the house when she left. I told her how I was beginning to think she had BPD, and I hoped that one day she would get treatment. I told her about things I was discovering about myself, and thanked her for giving me the kick in the pants to go on this journey. This morning I woke up to my alarm, which may not sound impressive, however I keep waking up 1/2 hour to 1 hour before my alarm almost every morning. Actually getting a deep enough sleep to make it all the way to the alarm was quite refreshing. Mood-wise, I'm pretty good. I'm realizing that I may have a lot of anger bottled up inside me. I want to talk to my therapist about good ways of letting that out. I've talked a couple of times about how I know how to hit a nerve and then really twist the knife, and I think a lot of that comes from my bottled up anger. Its also probably causing me other problems, and I don't want them anymore...hey, that's one of my signs...."I don't want that anymore...but I forget often." The journey continues.
  14. EyesOnThePrize
    I do that, too...I have ADD and sometimes my mind takes forever to shut down. I don't know if that's present for you. Can you fall asleep with the TV on? I used to not be able to do that, my ex always did, and over the years I got used to falling asleep that way. Sometimes the background noise helps me. She also used relaxation mp3s on her iPod to help sleep. I don't know if that's something that appeals to you or not. I never took the sleeping pills a lot (even though they are supposed to be non-addictive, I'm a bit paranoid about such things), just on the worst nights.
  15. EyesOnThePrize
    Mustang...for the 1st 2 months after my wife and I split I was getting 4 hours of sleep a night. I finally broke down and asked my doc for some sleeping pills. He gave me Lunesta which really helped. I only had to take it a few times (on the really bad nights) and it was so wonderful for me to get real sleep. If you keep having sleep issues, you might want to talk to your doc. I don't think you can be of any help to her, and especially not to you, if you don't keep your health intact.
  16. EyesOnThePrize
    Day 6, or Day 1, depends on how you counted. Her e-mail last night really caught me off guard, shook me a bit, and I'm over it now. Lots of work done today, one more day until the deadline. Ugh...need to focus on work. She didn't respond to my e-mail, that's good. I filtered her out on LiveJournal, that's good. Talked to my housemate (also a friend of hers) about not giving me updates on her, although if she asks about me, he's welcome to tell me that. As usual, I had a talk with her last night, and as usual she wasn't there. I asked her to respect my boundaries, to understand if she ever wants us to be friends, that I have to heal. Told her it had nothing to do with me loving her, it had to do with me loving me. I wished her well, told her I missed her.
  17. EyesOnThePrize
    I still haven't gone on my not-date yet...I'm in no rush.
  18. EyesOnThePrize
    Day 5 - I had a weird dream about her last night, although I'm pretty sure I know what triggered it. I won't say I thought about her less today, I thought about her differently. I'm really not worried about what she's doing now, because all I can do is speculate, and and even then I'd probably be wrong. I drove my housemate into work, and joked a little about my dream and what a mess her place probably is right now. Mostly, though, I focused on me and got more work done in the office. With her out of the house, my stress levels are way down, and I feel like my forward progress is accelerating. The "prize" is closer today, and still far enough away that I'm not about to let up the pace. I was walking accross a parking lot a while ago (from Petsmart to Borders which didn't have the book I wanted, so accross the street to Barnes & Noble) and was thinking that it will be about 11 weeks until she comes back to town and she says she wants to see me. I was thinking about how far I will progress in those 11 weeks and what a different man she'll see and how committed I am to making significant changes in those 11 weeks. I still won't be perfect, and I have no idea where her relationship will stand at that point, and I'm pretty sure she'll be able to start thinking "Wow, he was serious about turning things around." I'm not sure how long I'm going to do NC. We may have some LC before 30 days, just because we have to deal with things like taxes and possibly sending a cat to her, however with that exception I plan to keep it for a minimum of 30 days and maybe 45 or 60. That being said, it wouldn't shock me if she started texting me sometime in the next 2 weeks. That being said, it wouldn't shock me if she didn't. I no longer look at the phone hoping it will ring and be her or hoping for a text message from her. If it happens, it happens. I've got other things going on.
  19. EyesOnThePrize
    And as she gets closer, she will begin to see his flaws (like, why he was willing to jump into a relationship with someone before she split with her ex or right afterwards, at the very least) and will begin comparing him to you. And since she likely has ignored his "bad sides" for the quick fix, I think its likely that he won't compare favorably in the long run (although, that doesn't mean she'll want you back) and then he'll be history, too. I think there are people here who are in denial that these other relationships are happening and real. They are, and we can pretend that they aren't or we can accept them for what they are and deal with ourselves and "what comes next." As always, that's just my opinion. That and $4.99 (plus tax) just got me a chicken strips lunch at DQ. And man, am I regretting that choice.
  20. EyesOnThePrize
  21. EyesOnThePrize
    Day 4 - I've been at the office most of the day, although I took a break to take my housemate into work, and go to the Democratic caucus. I ate way too much at lunch, but that's tax season stress emotional eating, not missing the ex emotional eating. I talked to my housemate on the way to taking him to work. I said "I guess today is setup day at her new house" and he says "Unless she got sick." We laughed, as my ex tends to get so stressed that she makes herself sick a lot. We weren't laughing at her being sick, just at how this is a pattern of hers...and again, one that slimeball gets to deal with now, not me. Then I said "I wonder who is cleaning up the packing mess?" He says "Not the ex!" and we chuckled again. He wonders how its going to go the first time that slimeball starts barking orders at her (my prediction...not well). I also told him that if she tries running to me about her problems, I'm saying "Nope...I'm not letting you do to him what you did to me. You resolve your stuff with him and then we can talk." My housemate suggested that I amend that to "You resolve your stuff with him and then get some help for yourself and then we can talk." I clarified that I was talking about "we can talk" meaning "we can start talking about what we should do next" and not as "we can talk about restarting the relationship." Obviously I was hanging out here, too, today...there's only so many minutes I can look at tax returns these days without screaming...although ironically this is probably my most productive day in a long time. Tonight, I'll stay here until 8 or so, then go home and watch the tube for a few hours, then crash...so I can come back to the office tomorrow. No real sadness today, just some last night when I said goodnight to her and told her that I was thinking about her and that I was going to keep working on myself. I believe we're all connected at some level, so maybe at some level she got some comfort from that, even though she's 1,200 miles away. Tomorrow...I'm going to take my puppy to the dog park, then more work...its crunch time!
  22. EyesOnThePrize
    If he thinks she is the love of his life, he's probably in for a rude surprise in a few weeks or few months...I think anyone who says that after 2 weeks is running on pure chemical attraction.
  23. EyesOnThePrize
    I think that a lot of exes think about the other party. However, I believe that in the case of the dumpers, it requires a huge amount of pride swallowing to initiate contact, and a lot of them aren't up to that.
  24. EyesOnThePrize
    littlej - I suspect she's not holding her head up very high. I think a lot of dumpers who quickly run to another person have serious self-worth issues and define themselves by their relationships with other people. I suspect she is in her own private hell much of the time. When you say "I know she is not right for me but the feelings are not there", I wonder if she was willing to seriously address the issues that caused her to run from you if she might be more "right" for you. That's not a question I can answer, just something I'm throwing out there.
  25. EyesOnThePrize
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