lostandhurt

It is so good to see you and your son doing so well. Wow how far you have come in such a short time really.  Kids will do that to you...

 The problem with carrying a torch for someone is that you usually get burned.  The best way to get over this (she has a bf so off limits) is to get out there and meet new people.  I would bet there are more than a few single moms out there that would think you are a pretty solid guy and a great father.

 Are there any single parent activities in your area? 

I feel like it would be best for you to see what is out there before you decide to sit and wait for her to see what a great guy you are.

Lost

7 hours ago, CrazyWife said:

But this whole thing is weird. I stand up for myself but still feel like crap and when I ignore it and do nothing, I still feel like crap. 

You should feel good that you stood up for yourself but you shouldn't feel good about the fact that you HAD to stand up for yourself.  Unfortunately in life unpleasant things need to be said and done and this was one of those times.  I know this is way out of your comfort zone but you did great.

 Bullies and jerks seem to be able to spot the least likely to fight back and move in for the kill so to speak.  You took the first step in showing them you are no longer an easy mark.

  This is a learned thing and considering your past you are doing very well.

Lost

PS Hospitals are the worst for this type of stuff.

10 minutes ago, CrazyWife said:

manager coming up this week and thinking of discussing it then. 

Here is a little secret I used to use a lot.  It is a way of putting thoughts in their heads without you actually making a complaint.  Try this:  "Hey Manager, I need some advice (makes them feel superior) the other day _______ came up to me talking to me like she is my manage so I told her "I said well sorry boss but no" then I had to repeat myself when she tried again.  Do you think that is the best way to handle that situation?"

This does two things.  One it puts the thought in the managers head that she thinks she is the boss when he is the one running the show.  Second it will tune his radar towards her and he will start looking for her acting this way.  The best part of all this is that you asked for advice, not for him to fix it for you or file a complaint because he really does not want to deal with that.

 Listen carefully to his advice and if he asks you if you want to make a formal complaint just tell him "No, I think I can handle it but if I need you I was will not hesitate to let you know."

 I used this for years to steer management in the direction I wanted them to go.  They always thought it was their idea. 😉

Lost

First off good on you!  That was a perfect response to her assertions.  Keep that up and she will fade away.

  Managers are not around all the time and going to them for this would probably just increase it.  I am not saying it is okay but you need to remember we teach others how to treat us and you did a great job of teaching both of them that day.

 I expected my people to take care of their own personal issues themselves and if they felt like it was not getting anywhere I would step in.  They did not want me stepping in trust me.  I am pretty good with confrontations and handle them well but I do not like them at all so you are not alone there.

 I don't know if you are proud of the way you handled that but I am proud of you.  No matter where you go or where you work there will always be someone that thinks they are in charge when they are not.  Putting them in their place like you did teaches them that they are no better than you.

Feel good about what you did and keep it up, I love it when a blow hard gets shot down like that!

Lost

You are making the same mistake a lot of people make which is assuming they are going to have to pay for everything or that custody is not an option.

 Is there a way to get some legal advice so you at least know real factual information so you can make your decisions from there instead guessing you would be screwed.

 Please seek out some professional legal advice as you think over these life changing decisions.

Lost

5 hours ago, waldglory said:

So I don't really think that women can sense much. 

And here is your problem.  Women, real unpaid women have years of experience with guys like you and can spot you a mile away and they want nothing to do with an ego driven narcissist.

 Sure there are broken people out there that are drawn to other broken people but is that what you want?  Some ex stripper struggling to get through life that thinks all she deserves is someone that does not respect her?

The color of your skin or nationality has very little to do with your lack of results in dating.  Describe what your dating profile looks like and what you wrote.  We may be able to help you in that regard but your attitude really needs a make over.  Not saying that to be mean, just factual.

Lost

Wow where to start.

Your thread is full of statements that tell you why you are getting nowhere with women.  I was thinking of multi quoting each one but for the sake of making this easy.  Re-read your whole thread several times as an outsider and then tell us what you see.

 If you are paying a woman to have sex with you then you cannot take anything  they say seriously so let those comments go.

 I big dose of humble pie would help right off the bat.  Then some self reflection on your view of women as a whole.  Since you have not really been close to a woman that you were not paying I will give you a secret.  Women can sense and see all the negative traits you listed.  I know you listed them as positives but they really are not. In your first sentence you stated your income and penis size like that is the most important part of who you are.  Women want way more than that.

 You have a lot to learn to be successful in dating but all those years of using prostitutes has skewed your views and habits so you need to unlearn all that and start fresh.

Lost

What works for me is I ask myself why I am really upset or angry.  Is it them or the situation or is it me?

In this case and although it was not in the best taste to make out at the bar (that is why they invented corner booths) 😉 it seems it wasn't what they were doing but how you feel inside.  I would imagine if you were in a relationship or had someone  in your life your reaction would be way different.

Many times we project our internal struggles onto the rest of the world.  The fact that you ask the question means you are aware of yourself and are not blaming others but it is hard to look onto others that have what you desire so much and not feel something negative.

  Lost

Dude seriously?  If anyone has a right to be upset it is your gf.  You left to take a quick shower and return but went shopping and visited with your mother.  To me it looks like you are in the wrong here and have zero reason to be heartbroken.

 Let it go before she realizes you left her there in labor while you went shopping.

Be happy you have a healthy baby boy and his mother is doing fine.  Anything else is your bruised ego showing its ugly face.

Lost

What would happen if you simply called her?  No asking permission, just hit the green button and see what happens.

 The thing is you have already bent way over backwards for her and have shown patience and understanding and if she is that shy she shouldn't even be on a dating app wasting others time.

 I have been in your shoes where seemingly endless texts or messages with little movement towards actually meeting has happened.  You need to realize what I did which is that you cannot "good guy" or convince them you are not a threat or out to use them.  They have to take a leap of faith but there are some that get paralyzed by the thought of meeting in person.

You have put time in on her so give it one last shot at moving it forward but also continue to chat to other women.  If she is not willing to trust you even a little to meet in public then wish her well and leave it at that.  I know it seems like a good idea to leave the door open by telling her "if you change your mind let me know" but that will have you waiting and hoping for her to do just that so it is probably best to just tell her it was nice getting to know her, wish her well but you want someone to actually meet and get to know in person.

 It is so hard to actually connect with someone you are truly interested in so I get why you want to keep trying with  her.

Lost

It is never to late to see things clearly and try and fix a mistake.  It was a mistake to hang in there this long but that doesn't mean it is a life sentence.

 Seek some legal advice, look into selling the house and most of all find a therapist that can help you with your self esteem as she has crushed yours.

There is a life away from this woman and being alone and co parenting would be way better then continuation in this sham relationship.

Your daughter will be fine and you are very correct that she may learn this is how a healthy relationship is supposed to be so you will not only be saving yourself but your daughter as well.

Lost

3 hours ago, TeeDee said:

As a teenager she exhibited bad judgment.  Who didn't?  That doesn't make her an unfaithful wife.  People do grow up.  

She cheated and then continued beyond a one time thing.  That was not bad judgment, it was a clear choice.  What we do from the day we are born until the day we die is what makes us who we are, mistakes and all but most of the time how we handle past mistakes shows what we are truly made of.

 No matter age or circumstances owning our mistakes is the only way to learn from them.

Lost

Your husband has known all these years that you are a cheater and accepted you for who you are now but when you didn't tell him right away the guy you cheated with all those years ago was now a coworker it brought all that right back in his face.  Did he handle it well?  No he didn't but I can totally understand his reaction.

 Let him calm down and process what you told him then sit down and talk to him.  If you do not want to work at the same place as your ex then make sure you know exactly why and related that to your husband in a statement, not a question.  You made some terrible choices back then and they have come back to haunt you but it doesn't mean you cannot make good choices now to get some peace back into your life. 

  With any sensitive subject like past cheating it is always best to not delay, hide or diminish anything and be upfront right away with your current partner.  Just because it happened a long time ago means nothing.

He will come around once the shock wears off

Lost

Been down this road and that is how it started. "I had a dream about you last night"  She was a vindictive person that was an assistant director over me.  I had no interest and she was married but I paid the price as she spent years coming after me.

Do yourself a favor and put some distance between this woman and yourself at least until you work somewhere else. 

If you want to date an older woman go on a dating site and message women 10 - 15 years older than you, I am sure you will meet someone.

Lost

Why does it matter if he doesn't have money? or a good job or anything your wife needs because she has you at home waiting to kiss her butt when she returns from her "finding herself" trips?

 If you are okay being a cuckold then keep pretending this is all a good thing and try and not think about it.

If not then put a stop to it.  You are paying for this guys travel so she has a travel companion and sex when she wants it.

  The simple fact here is she lied by omission and you were shown chats she wanted you to see after the fact, not the chats that actually happened.

It must be torture sitting at home while she is off finding herself with another man.  Is this the way you want to live your life?

Lost

I am curious why you are so interested in the meaning of his questions.

In the end what you should be focusing on is that he called you a liar several times to your face.  That is all you really need to know.  Is this a man you want to share your body with?  I am sure there are plenty of men that will treat you way better in this context.

  Lost

Ask him out and be clear it is a date.

Start some small talk with him and then tell him this:  "I really like you and wanted to know if you would like to go on a date so we can get to know each other better"  Keep it simple and direct.

 Then you will know one way or another on everything.  If he says yes great, get to know him and see for yourself if he is a selfish jerk or not.  If he says no thanks then you can stick a pin in this and not have any regrets.

 Don't sit back and wait for what you want, go out and get it.  Take control over what happens in your life instead of just letting it happen.

Lost

Single Guy,

 Instead of trying to think this all out and all the possibilities why not just ask her out on a date and see how things go.  As of right now most of this is in your head/heart not in real life.

 I wouldn't tell her how I feel just yet, ask her out on a proper date and if she accepts enjoy yourself, get to know each other and see how you feel after.  If you really like her and enjoy her company then ask her out again and so on.

  Far to many of us want to know how it will all play out or have imagined how it all will go in our heads way before the first or second date which put way to many expectations on something that should be spontaneous and fun. Putting the cart before the horse as it were.

 The age thing is another reason to ask her out on a date if nothing else to alleviate your own misgivings on what others might think.  Once you are out with her I think all that will fade away.

  Let us know how it goes

 Lost

A buddy of mine dated a woman like this.  It was like she didn't know how to be treated well but complained about all the jerks she had dated in the past and punished him for their behavior.  He is a good guy but she kept doing things that made it impossible to be with her.  She was a hot mess and yes unstable.

  This happens and you will meet other women like this unfortunately.   The thing is you cannot punish others for what someone else did to you.  Keep an open mind, offer medium trust and let it build from there but don't change who you are because of her.

 She wants to hurt you but what she is actually doing is showing you that you made the right choice.  You are young but are already learning a lot and making pretty good choices.  Sure it may have been a mistake to even start this roller coaster ride but in time you will see them more clearly up front. Don't feel bad about any of this, guys have been making this mistake since the dawn of time and will keep making it.  We think with our eyes instead of our minds...

Lost

11 minutes ago, Andrina said:

I highly recommend you try to convince your husband now to move back to your home country before any talk of divorce happens. There are usually legal issues to contend with after a divorce and if one wants to move a particular distance away with a child, which the other parent might bar.

Excellent advice.

Many times on this forum we read threads like yours where some of us read through the words waiting for the shoe to drop that they had "met someone" and now are rethinking their marriage/relationship. In your case I am sure it showed you that you can be happy and feel good about yourself but the emotional affair did not bring on the demise of your marriage. 

 I agree with bluecastle (like usual) that couples therapy is a great idea and who knows may wake your husband up to what he is putting you through.  Many times I see people offer the advice  to dump them/divorce them which is easy to say but in reality is much harder to do emotionally.  You are married and have a child together and even  though it doesn't feel like it now were once in love and happy. 

 Therapy can help you both come to terms with the end of the marriage if it comes to that and it will help you not have any regrets once the choice is made one way or another. 

People can change if they accept what they are and want to change. Your husband could become a great guy but unfortunately that kind of change only happens after someone loses everything.

 There is no rush but you need to start moving in the direction of some sort of resolution.  Simply enduring this for your daughter is not a solution and is in fact showing her this is what a relationship is like and she will imprint on it.

Keep posting it will help as you write it all out.

Lost

You tried counseling and didn't get far probably because of his internal anger at what sounds like everything around him.  He is angry all the time for some reason.  Couples counseling will do nothing until he seeks out a therapist to help him deal with his embedded anger.  I have seen this with friends that were once happy go lucky and a joy to be around then they fell into the negative drumbeat of politics and became mad at virtually everything.  Their health went downhill, they got mad easily, they were no longer a joy to be around and like you it was very hard to have a conversation because it turned into them being angry about something....anything.  It was almost like they wanted to be angry.

  You are reaching the end of your rope and your husband is not listening so I have an idea that will do two things.  Write him a heartfelt letter.  An actual hand written letter and pour your fears and worries into it about all of this and how you don't see OUR marriage surviving if he doesn't seek help with the anger That Has Taken Over His Life.  Don't threaten divorce, just phrase it like you don't want our marriage to end because of all this anger. 

The first thing this does it allows you the release of all this that you cannot say in person because he blows up.  The second thing is he sees your words written to him and can read them over and over again which makes it very real and unavoidable.

He definitely has something eating at him or has built up within him over the years to the point it has affected everything in his life. Marriage, work, family and his health.

 There comes a point where you run out of the will to try any longer so lay it all out on the table and he will show you if he wants to save the marriage or not.  Ultimately he will decide by his actions or inaction. 

Keep posting it helps

Lost

7 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I do think he canot control it… this is just something he does.

Oh he can control it but non of us knows if this was a stupid mistake that he will never do again or if he acts like this all the time.

 You were on the date not any of us so for anyone to state who he is or how he thinks is just silly.  He did it, saw he made a huge mistake and apologized.  That is what we all know nothing more other than the date was going well up to that point.

 If you don't want to see him again for any reason or no reason that is totally your call.  You don't need any of us to tell you what he did was in very poor taste and disrespectful.  

 I am curious what happened after the date was over.  Did he ask you out again?  Text you?

 Lost