curry-monster

Hi Iceman...just got back from reading your post - the letter you did not send..it was fantastic. I may have to cut and paste one day! Anyway, it is sort of re-assurig (but rough) to know you are going through similar stuff with love and attachment, though thanfully under different circumstances, i hope. Thanks for your great words of wisdom and sense. Totally what I needed right now. I will take this on board. For example, when I saw her earlier today she said she would call me tonight. She has not. This is like torture for me because I am not in her life 24/7 or doing all the snooping or drive pasts that I may have been tempted to engage in two years ago. But it is hard. I don't know if she is just chilling and ignoring me or if she has alternative arrangements. Yet I am expecting her for lunch or dinner tomorrow. Totally mind-shred stuff. My point is, what does a text cost? Y'know, it is such a head game and I do not want to play by these rules anymore. But if I pull away then I am sure she will be like an elastic band and come reeling in. I just don't need that. I just want someone who syas "hi, bit tired tonight but thought I'd give you a call...we still OK for dinner tomorrow? Looking forward...." But no. I have not called tonight, and I really dont know if I should pick up tomorrow. Perhaps it is indeed time to distance some. Regards the other...normal family. Nice Dad. Miss him. Mother is a dragon. Nothing weird going on. She just likes older guys. Movie heros are older guys - Jean Luc Picard...make it so! Thanks Curry-Monster

Hi DizzyDorris, Mmmmm. Depending on my mood and how much I knew about the sitch I would say one of the following: Kick to the curb or Wait and see Both kinda wishy-washy though. But there doesn't seem to be much alternative does there? I either walk alonely road or I walk a lonely road. Bummer. So, is it to be the lonely road, head held high - perhaps meet some one new in my latter years...more investment from scratch...(sounds callous but you get my drift?) or Walk the lonely road hoping that my true love will pick up the pieces sometime and build on our existing efforts (there have been some over the last six months). alternatives? link removed. Monkhood? hahahah x Curry-Monster

oh by the way, under selling myself again. I am not 49 until next week! hahaha Curry-Monster

Hi ItsallGrand, Yes...you have hit the nail on the head. She came to university. I met her at 20. I was 39. She had one year in digs and then met me and moved in! I was not about to get suckered in - as you say, I had a wealth of experience. But they say love is blind. So after a while I fell head over heels. So did she. She was never out of my hair in seven years. And I did not care. At all. Your other points dully noted and filed away in the wisdom register. Thanks. Curry-Monster

Hi DizzyDorris - think I explained badly and you got the wrong end of the stick....it is my new ex girlfriend who got jealous of my ex that is now living with someone. If that makes any sense. ie. when I split up with K i started seeing L (after 5 months).. L got jealous so we split up and I am now seeing K again. L is now living with someone. K is living alone. Whew. Curry-Monster

Hi DN, I totally get your point...but she says she is healing and has changed...but it is too soon...more time. You get the drift? She has apologised, but not to all and not fully. It is as if she holds me in some way responsible, which I will NOT take. My brain perhaps is fried but only on the outside! She says that if and when she is ready she will give it all and fully, but until then she will not commit or disapoint. To me it sounds like hedge betting. Or worse, when I get depressed about it. Sometimes I can be upbeat and it flows like water off a ducks back. Hard. Curry-Monster

DizzyDorris, yes, we have talked. Some right tosh and head wibble came out about the reasons. The boss issue was to do with a power thing (apparently). She found him potent and decided to give him the best 64th birthday present an employee could muster. Twinge of bitterness there! Hey, but time passes and we talk (me and the boss) - funny, he always seems very nice to me! The other was, as I have researche, an emotional affair that turned sexual. She was distancing from me and needed someone to make her complete and someone to moan to, to put it bluntly. So while I was banging on about bonking the boss she was crying on someone elses shoulder. Fortunately and ironically a married guy of 46 with three kids. But then as I found out, a multi millionaire. Who dumped her once he had had his fun. Joy. HOWEVER. This is painting a very bleak picture. I realise how this sounds, but this is all on the back of her career move (to high places) from retail to my place of work. She was ambitious and has since found herself somewhere in the stratosphere of the business world. I chugged along. I guess I was OK for the initial leg up, but not for the long haul. Damn. I have talked myself into a negative state here! So, if the above is true, why on earth do we enjoy each others company so much, have so much to chat about and (when we were together) joined at the hip? It is a real dilema and pain. Curry-Monster

Hi itsallgrand. I totally get the maths bit. I have thought about this. I just wish I could act clinically when it came to this relationship. It would be a damn sight easier! But you are so right nontheless. Yes, last year I did meet someone new at a BBQ and we had a right good fling for eight months or so but it proved unworkable as she became jealous of me working with the ex. Eventually I crumbled and stumbled back to contact and seeing her again. Then it seemed as if things could work out...and I suppose they have in some ways...but it is just a shadow of the former relationship...there is love but as yet no passion. If I do just walk from this then I am truly alone. The other 'bridge' is burned and she is now living with someone, seemingly happy. So hey, at 49 I finally end up being independent and grown up! hahaha. Such is life One has to laugh. Curry-Monster

Hi IceMan. Yea, we have talked, but I must say sometimes the blame seems to rebound to me and when I get strung up about that she can and does throw a mini 'wobbler'. Apart from the odd hiccup though we seem to get along fine - just that I have a doubt her intentions. I am afraid this doubt is in my mind (have I been brain fried? hahaha) Also, she now has her own space and is protective of it. So, it is like..."hey this is my life" sometimes if I ask about plans etc. Not always, but sometimes as it suits. Meanwhile I get messages from her (face to face and phone/text) that are encouraging or plain lovely. She is my dream girl, and although this seems pretty pathetic we were incredibly happy and I think we could be again given transparency and honesty. To give an example, she came for dinner Friday. Stayed about three or four hours. Today sat) I was working, she called..."anything you need from the shops?" I popped over to hers to collect a few items of groceries. Nice. I say "see you tomorrow?" She says..."sure, I'll let you know". Mmmmm One part of me thinks....*insert swear word here* and the other part of me thinks "cool". She kisses me and says "have a good night". Right. I am here pouring out my heart for advice. Life is fun. I am fine. But then I know what I am missing. Saturday night in alone is becoming a drag. Thanks for your help Curry-Monster

Hi DizzyDorris. Thanks for your reply - I did consider NC but we work together on projects occasionally. but closely. I have been in this employ for 12 years, so my life and pension are wrapped up in it. She wouldn't leave - they pay her too well! We must remain professional. But also at the end of the day we have very tender feelings towards each other despite the trauma of her affair(s). Toughie aint it? hahaha. Curry-Monster

Hi, I have found this site - I was using another but it was very negative (mainly do the NC thing and never waver...it wasn't applicable in my case) Soooo.... My problem: 1/ trying to make sense of it all and be with my (ex) lover. 2/ trying to be me and stop feeling needy. 3/ trying to rebuild trust. My story (brief as I can make it): I have been separated from my partner of 7 years for nearly two years. (I can hear you all going "ummm, yea" hahaha). I am in my late fourties and she in her late twenties. (more "ummm yea"). We never argued. We had a life full of rich communication. But yep, she was too young and needed to experience life's rich tapestry. Got it. However, in a nut shell, the end was awful. January 2005, after being together seven years, she signed into a joint bank account with me, we re-mortgaged with a view to doing some big house improvements and we bought a v. expensive sports car cash. Life was good. She had a new job working for the same company as me (I introduced her to the boss at the previous years Christmas party) and our joint incomes added up to suitably vile figures. So we decided to expand our lifestyle, get the consevatory, extension etc etc...just the two of us in a HUGE 4 bedroom house, private recording studio, office etc. Picture? We saw this as 'our time'. I had supported her through university and really we had been on our backside financially. But she graduated, I got promoted and it all came together in a wonderful rush. She crashed our sports car one day (march 2005) - I was terribly worried about her and so rushed to the scene when I got a phone call (and once I realised the severity of the event - I wrongly presumed it was a shunt and bump...it was a right-off). She was fine. That was all that mattered. But witnesses came forward and said she was on a mobile phone at the time, she was doing 80mph in a 30mph...etc etc. So, investigator started digging and wanted the phone records. You got it. She would not give. Something to hide. She was ordered to provide but I did not see (data protection). Mmmmm. Meanwhile a couple of weeks later I am using her lap top to search for a replacement vehicle. Hot mail account becomes visible. I see that she is in an affair with the boss (64 YO!!!) It was explicit. We row - he is my boss too. I call him, he comes over in a flash when I tell him on the phone. We stagger on for a couple of weeks. By this time I was totally destroyed. I am sat at home, the phone rings. I answer but no one is talking. It is her phone in her handbag...speed dialled me. She is at lunch with a couple of female workmates. I should have hung up...but when my name was mentioned I kept listening. She was talking about a guy...not her boss... he was lovely, such a gentleman...when he took her to the bedroom...arghhhhh it went on. For an hour. I was disconected when she paid the bill. I rang back and just said "check your call history". I was called back two minutes later by a person in total panic. I lost it. Clothes out on the lawn. Bye Bye. She came home. I said fek off. Then I regretted it but she was gone. So much happened subsequently that it is hard to describe and document - so I wont. But...that was two years ago. Throughout we have had to work together (loosely) and we have got through it. The big house was sold. We did it all without recourse to solicitors and battles royal. She bought a house at the same time I did. I bought in the same village...she didn't know...she bought in the next village a mile away. We both laughed. She carried on her affair with a married guy with three kids. I found someone new. We talked. The boss thing was just a '-plant' to end the relationship she told me. It never happened. But of course I had the email printouts to prove it did. And the photos. oh yes. I had become a right James Bond. But, when you love someone.... So her affair ended. My 'new' relationship ended - - I was just too tied up with my love for the ex. So we started seeing each other once a week, twice a week, three times a week... meals at mine, meals at hers. Shopping together. If we don't see each other we talk on the phone. Mostly she rings me. She has sort of apologised. I have forgiven. Big one was four weeks ago when she said the married guy was the love of her life..."we where so in love". I nearly puked. A few months compared to years. And why was she telling me this and then kissing me and saying she loved me? I have pulled back a little. We have not slept together but we still cuddle and kiss. She says she is not ready yet. I don't think I am either but I have not expressed that. So. How do I handle this folks? I love her, love her wit and company. She makes me feel alive. But.... she has seriously dissed me, moved out, got her own life together. Nothing is 'permanant', nothing can be planned. I am not sure she is not seeing anyone. But she spends a lot of time with me. I am too old for this!!!! It is the sort of stuff I was doing at 16...dreaming of a bit of nooky and heavy petting. Jeez. We lived together for 7 years! Sorry for the long post. Positive vibes needed. Thanks. Curry-Monster x