Okay, I can't believe I'm going to post my problem on this site... But...
I've been confused lately.
Let's start off with a little back-story. Ever since I was little, I always worried about irrational things. I mean, at 10 years old I cried myself to sleep a few times wondering if I actually loved my parents or if I just told myself that I do.
Right now I'm 19, and I'm in a perfect relationship. This girl is really amazing... She's mature, she doesn't get jealous too often (and when she does it's cute), she is funny, she is sweet, she is friendly and loving, she's very VERY pretty, and she's very rational when it comes to relationships.
I am kind of a worrier... And, while everything is going perfectly well I always find a reason to worry. Lately these worries have been overwhelming and even led to a few arguments (and we rarely argue).
We are very in love, and we even lost our virginities to each other. But lately things have been feeling a little weird.
I recently started smoking weed (so maybe this has something to do with it), and one day while we were high she asked if I love her. I've told her that I love her many MANY times, but for some reason when she asked this it scared the hell out of me. I said yes, but started wondering the same stuff I wondered when I was little. I was thinking "how do I know that I really do? What if I just think I'm supposed to feel this way?"
And when I worry, all logic is completely gone. All the good feelings I usually feel are forgotten until I stop panicking.
Well lately it just got worse and worse. I mean, I take every little thing that happened and turn it into a big deal in my head. And it's been happening almost every night now.
Last night she slept over and everything was perfect. When she left (I had to go back to college because the new semester was starting), I started to worry again. I started to feel weird about her, almost as if I didn't like her... And I felt really guilty. Something just felt really wrong. Later, when we talked on the phone, she sensed that I felt weird and asked me about it. After I told her, she asked if I even like her, and that I should tell her if I don't. I said "I do" and she said "are you positive?" And I said "I think I am..."
She said that we shouldn't talk until I figure out whether I like her or not. Or if I'm just attached.
She's right. I need to figure myself out. But I wrote her a long email telling her how sorry I am and how much I love her, and I started overthinking again.
I've given it thought and I think I just feel guilty all the time because of this one time after a fight I kind of pictured being with another girl... I know that shouldn't worry me at all, because it's human and all. But it just made me feel really guilty. Ever since, every time I looked at another girl (and we're really open with looking), I felt so guilty.
I think I'm also scared of commitment. I always kinda was. In the beginning of the relationship, I didn't think that she'd want to be with me for so long, but we really fell in love with each other. And in a way, that scares me... I never ever hooked up with a random person before, and I've always just been in long relationships. Now that kind of scares me. I love this girl and I feel like I can be with her for the rest of my life... And that's a scary thought. I'm so terrified and I don't know what to do. I just always feel so guilty and all I do is worry and it's making me feel like crap.
I'm so scared, I don't know what to do. I really don't want to lose this girl. But why do I feel so weird? Do I not like her anymore or something? Was I just attached? How do I get rid of these worries? Do I have anxiety (my mom was telling me that anxiety seems to run in the family, and she had similar-but less severe-worries)?
Man, even posting this here is making me feel guilty. And my opinion is easily changed, so I'm terrified that somebody here will tell me that I don't like her and I'll believe them.
I don't want to lose her.
I just want to figure out what the hell is going on with me and how I can stop it... Could lack of sleep, stress, lack of money (I ran out of money from my last job so she's been paying for me a lot... I feel so guilty...), and my recent use of marijuana have anything to do with this?
EDIT: I just thought about it again right now... I don't know, it's just that at first she wasn't the most loving person on earth. She wasn't distant, but she wasn't always saying "I love you" and kissing me. And now that she became so loving all of a sudden, it kind of scares me. Like, I would LOVE to get married to her, but knowing the future seems scary. And every day, it seems like I know the future. I don't want to know what happens. I love her. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.
