Hello,
I am not sure how much detail is needed for an appropriate response but I am going to try and keep it as brief as possible. I was married for almost 18 years. I am the one who left the relationship due to infidelity (more than once) as well as verbal and emotional abuse. Upon leaving, I like most women, I moved back (we were living overseas at the time) and got a job and went back to college. I tried to keep my 2 sons with me but their father refused any support and the boys were used to a certain lifestyle that I could not provide them with so they moved back overseas with their father. I missed them constantly as I was a stay at home mom and nursed them until the age of 2 years. My mind was mostly on them. I thought the only way to get them back or have a better relationship was to build myself first, establish something substantial for them to see. As time went on, a lot of good things were beginning to develop. I finished my first semester with a 4.0 and a scholarship recommendation from my professor. Then the big blow came! My ex-husband informed me he was in the states meeting with someone he was contemplating on marrying. The next shock was that he left the boys overseas without alone! He had a single man (without children) that was suppose to be staying with them. But actually, this man would bring dinner to them around 6 pm and leave a couple of hours later and the boys were alone thereafter. My boys are 15 and 12, I know they are not babies but they most definitely are not adults. Anyway, I spoke and met with their father at the airport before his departure back overseas and we had relations and I literally begged him to bring me back with him. At the time, part of it was to see the boys and make sure they were really doing okay. But to my surprise, most of my emotions began focusing in on my ex-husband finding someone else after we had spent so many years together. I wasn't expecting to feel so shattered but I am. Now I am here in his house overseas and I am with the boys but I am with him everyday too. He tells me how much he loves me and how I was everything to him and we have had relations and are living together each day because neither of us have an alternative to live somewhere else. At the same time, he is writing letters and having phone conversations with his fiance. Of course I cannot answer the phone and I am living in front of my boys like this and I am so confused. I don't want to go back to the states and leave the boys here. My youngest is failing in school and my oldest is downloading porno from the internet. They are always with their friends and their father doesn't look after them very well. But the problem is that I haven't focused on them either!!!! I have been so torn up over what I am feeling. My ex can only tell me how I was the one who chose to leave and to divorce and destroy the family. He tells me he does still love me but then I found letters to his fiance saying I am nothing to him and she is everything. Then instead of offering some sort of help, he just makes me feel like i have no right to feel like this and the arguments start and I bring up the past and on and on and on.... in the meantime, our boys are not benefitting in the least and are being hurt even more. I know that we should not be living together and I am trying to change this but it isn't that easy and it may take a couple of months. In the meantime, I am trying to keep my emotions intact but it is more of a struggle than I ever thought imaginable and I just need someone to talk to and to help me over the next few weeks. How do I stop feeling the horrid anger that is so explosive and how can I find the strength to turn away when he wants to be affectionate. Part of me hopes he will still love me and want me back but then the sensible part of me knows that will never happen and flares up the anger again. I just need to get through the next few weeks and then I will have my former teaching job back and I will be able to move out. I told you this was a strange story.... we go from to to to to and the cycle never ends.....
I know the situation is bad for all of us, but I just need some strong and fast advice on perhaps things I could do in order to relieve my emotions in a healthier way and channel my energy into more positive things... how can I focus on my boys like I was before? I will appreciate anyone who takes the time to read all of this and send some relief even if it is miniscule. Thanks to anyone who reads and answers this....
