Hello. I really need some help in sorting out some issues. I have recently learned that my wife of 17+ years started cheating on me about 20 months ago. On March 10, 2006 she didn’t come home until about 5:30am. She walked in with a hickee. Apparently, she had gotten drunk and tried to have sex with another much younger guy, 22. I was awake, waiting for her. I had just about been ready to call the hospitals, except that I just assumed she stayed over at our mutual good friends house. Well, she was out our friends house...everybody had gotten drunk and passed out pretty much. I asked my wife what happened...and she told me. I say tried because apparently, the guy was too drunk to get it up...but my wife admitted after strenous urging that she did other things to try to get him up. She said she didn’t remember how it got started or how she was even in the same room with him. She only remembered bits and pieces...and that she woke up later, got dressed and came home. I was VERY upset...but, being a recovering alcholoc of 19 years, I knew what I needed to do. Forgiveness was not optional...I knew I wanted to forgive her...I just needed some time. It helped that I quickly came to terms of blaming the alcohol (even if misguided). I was also angry at the friends that let my wife even get into that position. I had told them about this guy (the brother of our mutual friend) that he was a loose canon alcoholic, and that he was going to kill somebody after his last drunken binge/car accident. Well, he did just that in killing our friendship between his brother, his wife and my wife and I. In fact, the wife of his brother killed herself recently, so I pretty much believed that my wife’s actions, in part, killed her best friend. Or, at least so I thought.
The other part was that the other wife and husband had decided to “swing” with another couple. This was right after my wife messed around with the brother...so we were not around them at all, after we had had spent nearly every evening and weekend with this couple. Well, actually, my wife spent every evening over there...I was only over there 1 or so nights during the week...and then on the weekends. Usually, I went out to play tennis, or worked around the house or worked at work. Well, the swinging backfired, and the wife called us in April on the Thursday before Easter to say she needed help...that she wanted to leave her husband. 10 weeks later, she killed herself. I only THOUGHT I knew why.
My wife had been in a tremendous amount of pain from loosing her best friend. I was also very remorseful that I wasn’t able to help this friend, as I was with her three days before she killed her self as she attempted to voluntarily check herself into a mental hospital. She left AMA and then killed herself three days later. For the past two months, I only THOUGHT I knew why she felt so bad.
Last Saturday, my wife and I went to play tennis. We had been getting along great. I have been really trying to be there for her, but she was just breaking down nearly every day. So down, I was scared she was turning suicidal as she made numerous comments that she wished she was dead. I kept telling her how great life was...and that things would get better. Earlier in the week, I had gotten an email telling me that my wife had slept with the husband of the deceased wife AND another person at work. I denied it profusely...but as the emails kept coming back, and my wifes obvious depression, I started to wonder. So, when she said she had something she need to tell me, but that it was going to hurt. She referred to AAs step to admit wrong, except when to do so would cause injury to others. I told her she needed to get it off her chest, that it was going to kill her...and that I would be ok...that I needed to know.
She told me the truth. Apparently, the drunken incident was the THIRD person. Just after the birth of her best friend’s 2nd child, her friend asked my wife to sleep with her husband, to help out because she couldn’t keep up!?!?!?!?! I am not kidding. I know this is REAL Jerry Springer stuff...but this is triple confirmed by ALL three guilty parties, to my great dismay. Keep in mind, these are friends of mine for the pat 10 years. According to my wife, she didn’t oblige at first, but eventually, after her friend showed her a video, and kept the pressure on, she gave in. She ended up having sex with him 5 times. This was while I was at work, she would go over to their house. The wife would be in the front room. My wife finally broke it off...although I am not entirely sure why. That was in Feb 2005.
Then, in Nov 2005, she had apparently been flirting around with a co-worker. While I was gone on a student camping trip, of which I had asked my wife to help out with, she secretely planned for this guy to come over to our house, and they slept in our bed. Apparently, he came over, they did it, and he left. Then, two months later, she met the guy at work, and they did it in a car in the parking lot. That was Jan 2006. Then there was the drunken incident in March 2006.
She did told me at the time of the drunken incident that it was the only time. She didn’t know how to tell me. She started seeing a counselor in March, and we have been getting a long great. Even this past week, we have gotten a long great. The day she told me about the other two, I pretty much left to go be by myself. I thought about a lot of things. We have been together for 17 years. She has never been very happy. For the last 8 years, we have been trying to have children, spent a UNGODLY amount of month in 6 different IUI and IVF procedures, to know avail. ALL of our friends have now had two rounds of kids, including her sisters. Each pregnancy announcement has cut like a knife at my wife.
I could go on and on about our relationship, but suffice it to say, she has never been really happy, as a person, or, in my opinion, even with me. She tells me 10 times a day that she loves me...especially lately, but really, I think she just feels trapped. She never finished school. And really, we have never made much money, which resulted in a lot of our stress over the years.
But since she told me everything, I have REALLY put forward a solid front of GRACE and forgiveness...but it hurts so bad inside. I lay awake at night in my bed thinking of the night she slept in it with somebody else. We have slept together a couple times already since just last Sat, and I do love her...but almost every thought over every moment, except when I am really distracted, is...”she slept with somebody else 8 times”!!! And except for the last one, they weren’t accidents, or moments of passion. They were cold, calculated events. She was deceitful...and held inside.
But, I want to forgive her. I want her to feel the grace that she deserves...she really is a sweet person who has never had anything to be really happy about. I think that we have had a good life...but we aren’t where we planned to be. No kids. I am not site to look at. And I have had to work hard to make ends meet. I have made some bad career choices that have resulted in a lot of wasted time in becoming financially successful. My main career is not enough income...so I have two other jobs. She wanted to finish school, but years and years ago, after watching her REALLY struggle in classes, I discouraged from continuing, so she has been depressed about that.
So, excpet for her sleeping with other people, I understand why she is so upset. But personally, I don’t understand how she could EVER have slept with another person. Out sex life has only been so, so. For years, she says that we didn’t have sex but once a month or so just because she was so unhappy. Her in the past 8 years, we have had more sex, sometimes 8 out of 16 days...but that is also because of the infertility issues. But even still, we generally, have been having better sexual relations. (Sadly, a clue that somebody is having an afair). But it still doesn’t change the fact that MANY times, we don’t have sex because she doesn’t feel good, or she ate too much, or hasn’t eaten enough, etc. They are legitimate reasons...I don’t doubt her. And she is not very permiscious. I JUST don’t understand how she could ACTUALLY have invited a guy over to our house...and slept with him in our bed!!! Did our cats get in bed with them also like they like to do to us? Did they use our toys in my bedside table?
The counselor she has been seeing has really been helping. And I am really faking it (she just called)...but I am really hurting. A close friend of mine says I need to get a sponsor. Others say I need to go to a counselor...but I just need to hear from others who have gone through this, both sides. How did she do it? I know she feels guilty, but she had sex with a guy in a car...something she hadn’t been willing to do with me since 1989!!! (And I have asked!)
How am I supposed to address my feelings of laying there in a bed that she slept with somebody else with????
