flower99

hi jaycee,

there were married for nine years. they don't have any children together but have children from other marriages. he has been married four times.

4 times??? how old is he? why did the other ones not work out?

Personally, I'd take this as a warning sign.....he's unsure of what he wants. And maybe its not that he is unhappy in the marriage, but unhappy within himself.

He's been turning to women (inside & outside) of marriage to find happiness. I think he's hoping others (his wife,ex wives, you) will make him happy, when really no other individual can be responsible for his happiness, except for himself.

He's seeking external happiness, which is only temporary, rather than internal. and he's hurting others in the process.

.

You shouldn't trust him. You have EVERY reason NOT to trust him.

10 + reasons you've listed right there.

Why are you with him??? Honesetly I'd leave now.

how many more reasons do you need?

Wow thank you Jdtx, you really sound like my finance. That's crazy! in a good way....because you said a lot of the same things he says..but differently..but clearer to me.

Congratulations on the baby!

how long have you been with your gf? do you regret your decision at all, I mean because it's incredibly difficult... if you could turn back would you?every time the ex is around...it kills you inside, do you think it will that always be there? have you found a way to lessen the pain?

I totally get that its' not fair to you men, it sucks....cause I do feel guilty for creating this mess, I know everything happens for a reason. And Believe me I cherish my son & forever grateful for him. but i wish i had done it in the right order. So there won't be so much pain. But seriously men like you & my finance & Mr.maximum & every other man who takes on these responsibilities are hard to find & are truly Amazing Men!

Your family is lucky to have you & the children will know & love you for all you have done & they will see that it was YOU that was there everyday for them.

Honestly, because of my depression and everything else wrong with me, going on with me, I just really don't see myself having the motivation to be able to get all my grades up after this. And come back next year for my senior year on top of everything.

 

because of this, i would suggest, if you are taking the next 2 years off. Take the time to take care of yourself & improve things for yourself. Because if you find you dont have the motivation now, if you stay on this path...you definietly won't have the motivation in 2 years from now.

Take care of yourself hun....You are obviously an intelligent women with so many options....dont' waste it away.

Hugs & smiles

I know you didn't want to hear it....but i had to say it, no judgement....cause I've been there

I haven't done it but I few of my friend have.

For most places in Canada, you have to be 18 & out of school for a year to tke it. It cost approx 80$ for the test, they write twice every year. You prepare yourself for it (maybe some places have classes) but i've only known of the study yourself method.

Here is a link to the Ontario site. Not sure where your from, but this gives you an idea of what it is like. If you download the information booklet, it gives you EVERYTHING you need to know. including how long each portion of the test is.

link removed

Might be different depending on where you live....where do you live?

I feel now that I might have given less than steller effort, and that led to us growing apart a bit. I do think she didn't put in as much effort as she could have as well, but i guess why i ask, is that when yo are sensing that someone has a guard and you have feelings i would usually think most would try a little harder and are less likely to give up....

"When someone has a guard up you do try a ltitle harder & are less likely to give up" I think yes, for maybe the first year.

After that, I'd just get tired. Because it leaves a person feeling unloved & unvalued. Might leave you with the attitude of "I'm not worth it to you, you aren't worth it to me"

But if you both weren't putting in the effort and you knew that you were growing apart....perhaps it wasn't meant to be.

I'd keep on your search for love, there is a women who will understand & be patient.

I wish you happiness

Thank you so much for your words Mr.Maximun. I really appreciate it,you were the first stepfather to reply!

(I would suggest that you get him at a time when your son is at your ex's and then take him to a place where he can relax and then tell him what he is missing, your son wanting to be with him.)

question. I have already done this a few times...but i feel like it falls on deaf ears.. do you think I should do it again? I don't want to push it...I was hoping this would come naturally.

What he has to stop doing is competing with his father(in essense trying to BE his father or the #1 father), that is a fight he can never win, he needs to be a father-figure, the step dad, the one that comes to his sports games, watches his school plays and gives him a high five when he gets good grades. Believe me I know from experience who kids can trust and who has their back. Don't force the issue, some mothers think that if they do this that they are actually helping the situation, this isn't fair to your son or your fiancee. As for him loving your son like his own, this is somewhat presumptious to expect. He and your son will have a loving relationship that will grow in time of it's own accord. Sort out this situation and have him find his feelings but you are right to sort this out before you get married, that will only compound the issue.

 

Good Luck and God Bless

I do agree.

Ahhh...so it is presumptious of me to expect he loves him like his own...I was wondering that, whether i was just asking to much...or what. is it presumptious to expect my son to feel like family to him? Will that come with time? cause when we do get married, we would be family...and i was hoping i wasn't the only one who feels it.

thanks you again for your post

I don't know what I think.

He plays the part, does it all (not all cause no ones perfect, but does a Lot) He takes him for sled rides, teaches him french, table manners, how to use tools, gives him baths, wrestels..ect....but it seems like his heart doesn't feel it...well I thought it did, but now i know it didn't. know he loves my son, but by feel 'it' i mean the family, the closeness.

My son treats him wonderful...i think the same as his father, but my finacee, doesn't see it....he only sees what he wants to see.I think because of his insecurities, regarding the ex being in the picture. But he knew he'd always be there. But somehow, he expected it to be different. And he's he's not accepting it as it is.

I don't know what to think. I don't know how much longer I can hope things work out....I know i can't continouslly wait, because of exactly what you said. If he's unsure now, his mind could change later & I know i can't marry someone with that piece of doubt in my mind. And honestly I think he's the kind of guy that would stay Even if he's unhappy (he's stick it out cause he loves me & it's the 'right' things)...and I don't want that.

I want someone that is sure he wants to be in this. And is happy doing this & can accept things the way they are. (regarding the ex)

I don't know what I'm thinking....I'm thinking i just want to cry, but i'm at work & can't.....I just want him to know what he wants...he says he knows he loves me & knows he wants to be with me...but I know I come with baggage that he may be unable to handle.

I feel like it might just work out it self out....but my head is saying if it hasn't yet it won't. ..this might be the beginning of the end.

Posting on a public forum sort of implies an invitation for discussion. Clearly it matters to him, but that doesn't foreclose discussion or criticism, and questions about motive are (it seems to me) fair game.

I do agree with you about discussion & questioning motives..

I was referring to a few of the smart a** jokes that came accross like it was mocking his post.

(to me anyways and maybe the poster felt the same... maybe not though... )

If hes certain she is going to lie, what is he doing with her anyway?

 

I do fully agree with this.

Poster ask yourself Why are you so sure she will lie? and why are you with someone who you are certain is a liar?

seems to me that women in this threat are really annoyed by this question.

 

It is his business if he wants to move their relationship to the next stage.

It matters to the poster so i don't think anyone should say that it shouldn't matter.

The fact is, you will want to know if your potential S.O slept with a prostitute, so please don't give me this privacy BS about not needing to know.

 

I agree. This matters to the poster, whether is it matters to you or I, really shouldn't be discussed.

And no one should be telling him doesn't matter.

To each there own. If this is important to him, lets' help him. That's what this sight is here for.

I'd ask her, just say- I'm just curious, but how many have you been with? be upfront & honest with her, don't beat aroudn the bush & make it ackward.

And in all honesty, I've been asked this question a number of times & I answered honestly. And I have asked the question before too. If a person isn't comfortable answering, they can say that.

ahhh!! I think I get it.

Yes if you have feelings for someone you work on it...BUT 2 must work at it. If she felt she was the only one working on it, She may give up...feelings aren't enough to keep a healthy relationship going.

Being guarded is okay, as long as you are still working to meet the others needs too. Honestly though, your relationship does sound normal though, from what you described.

Did she not give a reason for the break up???

I'm sorry I want to help...but I'm having trouble understanding the question. Could you reword it a bit.

I agree too that he should have a hand in discipline. I think the arrangements you have made are good!

 

 

I think that it's definitely possible that he will come around / come to feeling like your son is his son. But I'm a little concerned that this is all coming out now. You know?

Me too!!!! I'm lost on this one. We've been engaged a year, and haven't even begun to plan a wedding. I never really understood why I hadn't started...but now I think we've both been sub consciously putting off this wedding because of this. I'm so confused & I feel like I'm almost starting to feel resentment towards him because of this. I totally thought, maybe was hoping, this was out of the way..but in my heart knew it wasn't. He's wonderful, he's kind, helpful, intellegent, excellent morals, very respectful, independent,loving..ect..everything. EXCEPT, he doesn't feel my son is his & cant' get over the ex being my boys dad.

What can I do? I can't marry him till i KNOW this is cleared. But how long do I wait?

 

Blended families are truly challenges. But challenges that can be overcome if everyone has the same goal and motivation / determination. I suggest though that the two of you work towards that starting now (as you're doing) and make sure that he's willing to before actually getting married.

 

And stories about blended families:

My dad (stepfather) and my mother got married when I was 7 years old. My mother had 4 children! My dad had none. He took us in as his own and has always been absolutely amazing. Were there fights/discussions about parenting? Definitely - my mom never rarely allowed him to have a say. But he was wonderful to us - taught us, loved us, influenced us, etc. etc. Couldn't have wished for a better dad!

That's wonderful, he sounds like a wonderful man (: was your bio dad in the pictures at all????

You are a wonderful person! Have the two of you talked about it any further? I'm sorry for the pain you must have felt when he said that!

Thank you hun.

No we haven't talked about it again. It seems like nothing changes each time we talk about it. That was the first time he said my son didn't feel like family..but we've been through the ex issue a hundred and ten time. And I'm honestly starting to lose my patience..so I'm leaving it alone, so I don't freak on him or something.

I love him, he's a good man. I know i shouldn't be losing my patience, I do understand were he's coming from, but how much longer? I'm really confused & I just don't know what to say anymore. or what I can do. So I'm hopeing time will work this out

but how much time do I give it? another year? what if time doesnt'?

8 mos after we started living together. When she went to my 2nd hubby for a kiss for a boo boo, and not me. I would suggest that the new daddy give him his bath, read a story at bedtime, help with getting his dinner ready...and just spend time with him.

 

Be patient with your man, too. We sometimes assume guys are tough, when in reality they hurt just like us women, but don't show it all the time.

 

I have a very good feeling that at some point, their relationship will evolve to where your son GOES to step dad more than he does with you!

Thank you for sharing with me & helping me Rodeo. I really am thankful for it.

Really 8 month after living together...it's been a year of living together...now i'm really worried

My son does go to him, a lot. I see it all the time...but my finacee doesnt'. And that's my biggest problem...It's like he ignores the obvious & only see what confirms how he feels.

example. My son & I went out of town to my brothers for the long weekend. my fiancee had to stay & study for school. The night we came back & he was all over my finacee (he missed him) he kept asking " Let's do something, what can we do" I asked what we should do. Than my boy said. 'Jp & I are going to do something together, right. (as he looks at him) what should you & me do." He totally wanted to bond with his step dad. But my finacee, almost didn't even notice (I had to point it out). But 2 days later he went to see his dad & said...Yey I'm going to dad & that hurt him.

He didn't notice when it was him he missed & wanted to be with, but was hurt that he was happy to see his dad.

I thought it would be resolved by now... my ex & finacee get along well. They do have a friendship. we go out for supper together every month or so. But within my finacee, he's really struggling & battleing with this. It's been 2 years....will he ever get past this?

Of course there are no wedding plans right now...I'm getting really confused, this is all making me question things now.

To me, he just seems Self abosorbed. I don't think it's the "getting to know him phase" I think it's just a lack of intrest in others & only in himself.

I have a friend like this, I thought at the start it was nothing, maybe she just had a lot to talk about....

But now its been 2 years, and everything is about her. If I try to talk about myself, the first chance she has to speak...it's back to her. It's almost like she just doesn't care or is not intrested in me. And she does the same to anyone I introduce her too.

Sounds just like your boyfriend. If it's annoying after 1 month..It will only get worse in a year. I wouldn't bother attempting to change or help him. This is him.

Flower!!! I didn't realize you had a little one for some reason.

I sure do...he's a wonderful little blessing (that's why your posts about the ex, seemed so familiar to me I hope you're still doing well)

Quick question. Is it possible that you could be more of the disciplinary and your fiance could step in more on the "fun" times?

That's how it used to be till we moved in together..well I was a single mom, so yeah that's how it was Than when we moved in together last year, we decieded he'd starts being more of a father. So it was time I let him do it & not limit him. (cause he really is a good man & father)

I am still fully involved, and at times I really do want him to just relax & have fun....but than when I suggest it, he feels that i'm questioning his parenting and thinks he's not good at it. He feels he's either fully involved in disicipline or not at all involved. And of course not at all isn't an option, and if I limit him, it makes him insecure about his skills to be a good father...I'm really struggling to find balance in this all.

Do you think he will he ever feel like my son is family??

I don't see how if you and your soon to be husband live under the same roof with your son, that your fiance can just be a friend.

 

He will have whatever relationship he WANTS with your son. It really is up to him.

 

You're so right!

thanks rodeo.

I totally agree there is more than enough room in my sons heart for both of them. but my finacee doesn't feel that way, he feels my son is always going to love one more than the other...I dont' agree but he doesnt' seem to see it the way we do.

Really your 2nd hubby said the same things???? And it worked out?? how long did it take? when will my son feel like family??

I do agree we all need to be on the same page, ex & hubby. But my ex, doesn't believe in disicipline. He says our son is only 4, he shouldn't be disiciplined. I believe you teach them now. So of course we do not agree when it comes to parenting. We have a wonderful son together, very well behaved, poliet & helpful. We've tried finding a same page, but when it comes to parenting, there is no same page with my ex. Our beliefs are far too different.

We all do get along. You're right there is a little jealousy (does that ever go away?) but he's been very understanding (he even let the ex live in our basement for a couple months when he had no home) I would love for us to be on the same page, but I don't think that will happen..I'm not sure how it would.

That is so comforting that your hubby said the same things thank you! How long till he felt better? when will my son feel like family to him???

p.s I just wanted to add, I'm really proud of you for doing the right thing, even though it is hard. Better things will come out of it.

I'm sorry if my post comes accross rude. I just get so bothered by married men messing with thier vows & numerous womens heart....

it's happened to a number of my friends & always ended the same.

why do we all have to be with people we don't really love?

We don't. No one does. he's a grown man, he makes his choices. He did leave her for awhile to be with you....than went back.....which should be proof right here that he does not HAVE TO be with her...he choose to.

How could you believe what you two had was true love. Didn't he Love his wife & even made a vow to love her for life. what makes your love so much deeper & true? I'm sorry, but I would learn from this & continue to move on.

He's fed you lies & fed his wife life. I wouldn't & couldn't believe anything he says. Actions speak louder than words.

Believe his actions not his words.

I fully agree with Dako posts.

Hi there, I have a question for any & all step fathers/men helping to raise children that are not yours.

I'm engaged to my best friend. We've been dating 2 years engaged for almost one year now. I have a 4 years old son, that he's been helping raise. My sons father is still in his life. He spends 2 nights a week there.

My fiancee is a good man, a wonderful influence in my sons life. My son adores him. He teaches my son the important things in life, respect, hard work, morals, love, careing, helping....while his actual father is the friend & only does what he knows best, video games. Which of course my son loves...that's fine.

My finacee tells me he hates that he has to be the father, the disciplinary, he wants to be the friend & feels thats how it should be. But because his father is the friend....he has the harder job. He's constantly battling with it. It hurts him when my son is excited to see his dad. Yesterday he told me he doesn't feel like my son his family to him.---That hurt. I'm confused....I don't feel right marrying someone who doesn't feel like my son is family. Is this normal what he's feeling? how do you get past this? How long will this last?

He also said that he no longer wants to have kids. We've been planning on getting marred & haveing a family....ect. but this is his second time changing his mind about kids.....I don't understand what's going on

Has any one been through this ???

Tell her to come here. We don't judge, rant or boss. We just listen...and I think thats a big part of what she needs.

Thank you...I think I will suggest it to her again.. I had given this site to her before, but I never got the impression that she was intrested in it. But I still gave her the link & told her about it.

I think I'll suggest it again.

Thank you so much Locke & Shadow. I really appreciate your words & support.

 

maybe even print this out and give it to her.

Hey that was an awesome site...I like it (: Thanks

Do you think it would be a good idea to give it too her? what do I say while doing it? or would emailing it be better?? what do you thinK?