lostinparadise96

Hi people, well I'm new here don't know hardly anything about this, in fact this is really my friend's sn I'm writing with, she let me. Never been into an advice room before, which feels weird, but ok, here goes. Well, I'll start saying that I always use to play tough with the boys at school, always had more male friends than girls, never liked dolls, nor dresses, nor high heels, and not that much make up either, instead it would be cars and tug of war with the guys and even with my younger brother, he's now 18 and im 19. Sometimes we would play wrestling and I would be the one pinning him down until he gotten older and it became harder. Anyways, I do have 1 yr. relation b/f who I love but see, it's been liek 3 yrs since I tend to get arouse the most by sometimes wearing my brother's clothes, he does know it and yes does think it's funny. Once in a while I even go out with his clothes (in smaller size, tough), but that's just for arousal. Nohting more, I'm 100% straight, just that I don't like fixing myself that much nor dresses. Agh, last time I wore a dress, was to like impress my b/f, and yea, it was like the first time, on a party, I didn't think it was elegant, I felt uncomfortable on it, prefer jeans and sneakers. But see, I dunno if I should talked about that to my b/f, telling him I get arose by cross dressing. At the same time I dunno how he's gonna react, he might think I'm bi or les, which I'm NOT, I'm straight. U can cross dress and also be straight.

Ok so I'm not a kid no more, now I'm about to turn 19 but I don't understand happened to me when I was a kid, I had no or hardly any conscious at all, so I wouldn't distinguish right from wrong, it was like everything I would do was excited back then up until age 15. If well back then if anyone were to cross my path, then I would get these violent urges, guess I was violent by nature. Well thing is when I first leraned just recently wut psychos or sociopaths are I got frak out cuz that was me as a kid until 15. Basically my folks would tell me that I was kinda different, cuz even at 2 if I would fall down or get hurt, I wouldn't cry or if some kid hit me, I would always fight back. Yea I remember my first fight, it was with some boy who I beat up, we were both 9. Or whenever kids played at the playground I had weird urges of hurting them, me being a kid myself and yea teachers had to supervise me before i started huting somebody. Now I keep hearing some people that girls get emotional and cry a lot more, but not me, I hardly ever did, instead I tended to get angry and hurt things also. I dunno why I use to think it was fun. Yes I have killed all my aunt and uncle's pets, basically stab them all, and yea also some neighbor's cat also at 9 (she doens't know though, but yea I did felt like telling). Then yea one time at 10, I also try pushing one of my cuz downstairs, I hated him, though he never done anything to me then I use to write really bad things on a journal I had, like I would start talking good things about them the Halocause and how they desreved it and good things about Hitler, I dunno why. Now yall must be wondering how I recovered from all this. I dunno how, I just woke up one day, was 15 back then and all of the sudden I was a different personand suddenly these emotions started coming, then I began not feeling that good about wut I have done, I can't understand this sudden change. So yea now I do realize that was wrong, but why coudln't I back then, was a lost kid or an evil child. And one more thing I'm concern is I'll be a mother one of these days and wut if my kid starts doing those same bad things I would do or how about when I have to explain that to him/her someday.