Aporia

Yeah I don't mind I was actually drunk starting this topic anyway.

My mom knows she was their when it was all happening.

I'm in college but I'm underage. I shouldn't have to feel this at home.

The strange thing is that he has never acted like this before. The main reason why hes so angry is because I called the law on him and they were in our house. Now he's completely ashamed of the fact that they came into "his" house and he actually thinks I should say sorry and that I'm in wrong. I'm not wrong I was angry and scared (and drunk) when I rang them. It's his fault for dragging me and hitting me. He should say sorry, not me. I'm not a weak person I will never say anything I dont want to or say something to wrong myself. He doesnt have a right to kick me out when I'm underage, does he?

He makes me sick. It makes me sick that, that is my father. I've never really hated anyone until now. Noone has really hit me before and its just so terrible when I trusted him.

I'm just waiting to see what happens tonight when he comes home more than likley drunk. I'm more angry than scared now. If he does anything to me this time, he will not get away it.

I hope things will get better. It's not improving right now.

I was asleep, ASLEEP last night when my dad came home drunk ran up to my room and smashed all the stuff off one of the shelves in my room and started roaring at the top of his voice saying get that b**** out of my house. The he went down to my mom and strated shouting at her while I was just sitting up in my room in fear he was shouting "If you dont drag her out then I will"

I've never felt so scared in my life. So he came back up the stairs and bashed the door open (I couldnt find the keys) so I had to just get out while I was walking out my mom was just crying. I was outside for most of the night absolutley terrified when my mom rang me telling me to "come home and he was just drunk but hes asleep now" So I went back and after my mom hugging and crying with me for a while I went to sleep.

I then woke up the next morning thinking oh he must be very embarrassed about the whole thing. He doesnt ever remember it and wants ME! to apoligize.

Hes gone off to see a match right now and is coming back at 8 (it's half 5 now) so that means hes going to be after drinking again I'm actually soo scared but can do nothing about it I have no where to go.

He disconnected the internet yesterday but I was able to get it back. Hes probably going to that again. I'm soo scared now I eve have a knife in my room. I just want this to end Im living with a physco. A violent physco.

Well the MAIN reason why Brian is always late and sometimes not replying to my messages is because he's under the influence of drugs. He's so nice when hes not after smoking but he looses emotion after that.

He's just addictive to me I can't just walk away no matter how much I've to put up with. I'm so foolish but can't help it.

If you like him then why not? You've got nothing to lose... think of it that way.

About the drugs?

I am going throught the exact same thing right now. I had a really though time last night and the guy im meeting kept texting me saying are you okay now and today I was lying in bed and he text me again saying he really needs to see me cause he wants me to talk about my problems and sort stuff out. He said stuff I'll take you away from your family later on and we can just talk about what happened to you ect. Then he said hes going to collect me at half 9 but It half 1 in the morning right now and he just sent me a message saying "hang in there for me"

Hes really messing with my mind and I dont need that now.

I know for a fact hes going to ring me in the middle of the night wanting me to come out!

Does the guy your seeing take drugs?

I think today was technically the worst day of my life. I was getting sick all morning and just lying their. Noone called to my house but the social services are coming some time next week. I dont ever want to drink again it leads to all my problems. Now I REALLY want to move out of home but need to find a job first.

Haha while I wrote that message(s) last night I felt really sick and actually vomited a few moments later. What a terrible terrible day. My friend was really helpful though and it was great just to tell her everything.

My dad just got really angry because I was drunk he never hit me before.

Im actually bawling crying now I cant believe what happened I relly dont know what to do what can they do can they aresst me for underage drinkin

this is teh worst state ive evr been in my whole life

Im actaully so serious right now I cant even believe I got chance to go on the net

I got really drunk amd I went home and my dad kept hitting me so I ran out the door and he followed med me and theases people saw So I rang the guardsa nd they came and they brought my dad and me back t my house and and now their going to call me up tomorow for underage drinking iM actually still drunk while writing this but I'm so * * * *ed up right now I want to kill myself I really dont know what o do my dad dtniyedied it to the guards and they were more intrested in whayt I have drunk rather than what he did

Ouch!

Heres a site that explains it.

link removed

Yeah, you should see a doctor soon enough the longer you put it off the more serious it could get.

Just

You do it to yourself, you do

and that's what really hurts

You do it to yourself, just you

you and no-one else

You do it to yourself

You do it to yourself

Don't get my sympathy

Hanging out the 15th floor

You've changed the locks three times

He still comes reeling through the door

One day I'll get to you

And teach you how to get to purest hell

You do it to yourself, you do

and that's what really hurts

You do it to yourself, just you

you and no-one else

You do it to yourself

You do it to yourself

Maybe you should ask her out on a date? That way ye both will have some time to talk about it. Tell her how you feel about her.

If you never try, you'll never know!

Sometimes you can't avoid the bad things....

Who's ever known

How much to moan and groan

And quiver inside

He needs to give you

Everything you need

Is it enough

You're running out of time

As it grows in your eye

Feel broken inside you feel

Sigh, static moans

A storm growing strong

And it's coming my way

Still she gives you

Everything you need

Is it enough

You're running out of time

As it grows in your eye

You'll feel broken inside

You'll feel

And I'll feel broken inside you

Feel...

I love them so much

Hands are red with your blame

Megaphone screaming my name

Whimpers someone I should´ve loved

Souls weeping above

I´ve seen

What you're doing to me

Destroying puppet strings

To our souls

Micro waves me insane

A blane cuts into your brain

To sound like forks on a plate

Blackboard scratched with hate

I´ve seen

What you're doing to me

Destroying puppet strings

To our souls

You are my muse

I'm sick of feeding my soul

To people who'll never know

Just how purposeless and empty they've grown

The love for what you hide

The bitterness inside

Destroy the spineless

Show me it´s real

Wasting our last chance

To come away

Just break the silence

´Cause I´m drifting away

Away from you

So here it gives again

Rape and pillage prooves

To win the public vote

There's always something that makes you guilty

I'm sure there's something that you're dying to tell me

Music helps allot it's the one thing that makes me feel good at the moment.

Once you discover a passion for something you'll jump out of bed excited about the day ahead!

Okay it's been a while since I've posted in this thread probably the only place I've told the first part of it anyway.

I was pregnant but its okay now. I met up with him to tell him and it's okay now.

I feel so cold that I can't even type what happened onto a computer screen but I feel calm acting calm anyway for the last couple of weeks.

I never thought that I could look at something and feel nothing. Everything is the same bland nothing is intresting I can't really desribe it. I feel nothing anymore I dont have pity or guilt for anyone anymore. I dont care. I thought it was a phase but I guess I'm getting better since I can go on the net again and actually type this which I wouldnt have been able to do a couple of weeks ago.

The best way to describe this feeling is when I close my eyes into darkness I dont feel any different looking at colour. Everything is the same and I'm not scared. I got panic attacks in college so I dropped out...well I was advised it was the best thing and I guess their right.

I hate peple so much. I hate human nature. I hate how everyone blocks out the bad things in life because they can't face up to them. Instead they go on living a "happy" cheerful lifes blocking it out, distracting your mind.

But then I don't hate really its just a thought. I can't hate.

I cant remember what it feels like to be "sane" or not like this, before I ever met him and ruined everything.

Oh I might get better and I can tell people I'm stronger now because I've been through part of me being killed before it even gets a chance to be born but I'll always have the memory to haunt me.

The coldness. His coldness is now mine too.

Its strange how things can get so negitave.

Just when I thought I was ready to forget about the whole thing....

I decided to buy a pregnancy test this morning before college.

Wow! It came up postitive woo hoo.

I havent cried yet.

Its like one of those times when you feel too depressed to cry and do anything for that matter.

But theres still hope isnt there I mean it could have been faulty or something.

But I dont want to be certain. I dont want to know Im so scared but I feel calm for some reason. Really calm and alone.

I'd say its stress right? I do have have exams coming up and stuff but I definitely will get a test if this goes on for another week. I'll just have to keep distracting myself...I told my best friend a few days ago and she sounded worried which didn't help I keep telling myself to stay calm stay calm but everyday it tends to get a little bit more worrying.

There was no way I was going out to him. I'd have absolutley no respect for myself if I did that... and plus I was all tucked up in bed...!!

But now I have a bit of a problem. See the thing is we used protection every time but I'm nearly 2 weeks late which isnt that big of a deal I guess but I cant help worry that I could be....

agh I cant even say it because the thought makes me shudder *shudders*

I told him he was funny because he is infact, hilarious!

What did he honestly think I was going to do run out to him?!

For some reason I dont really care about what happened in the past anymore just as long as I'm okay now but this could be just my mood right now!

HAH!

He rang me friday night at half 3 in the morning saying come out I want to see you and Im reaching out to you I do my best for you and *CENSORED**CENSORED**CENSORED**CENSORED* like that.

I just hung up on him.

*anger*

Was he the same age as you?

Did you use protection?

Yeah of course I did but he wasnt really bothered about using anything..

As I said hes 6 years older than me....I guess hes just going through that stage of "get as many girls as you can because your in your early twenties and can get away with it" or something like that anyway.

I ponder why so many people are ashamed of their virginity-loss episodes.

I woulndt say shame is the word its more upset...

and I regret it...It would have been so much better if he appriciated it like I said earlier...

I just think it would be nice to look back on it and feel happy about the situation...

Well, no, don't get too dissilsioned with men. If you take a few months or so before getting into bed with them, you can be sure that they like you for you, and are not just trying to have sex with you. Most guys who are players like that won't stick around that long just to have sex and leave you. Just take time to get to know the next guy. Don't kick yourself. I've been there myself - I know - they can be quite convincing!!! I even had one guy call me his "soulmate!" Do you think I ever heard from my soulmate again? Ugg....

Thanks for the advice....I'll definitley be waiting a long time before I do anything again!