hannarivers

It is a bit unhealthy because I dont buy things that are neccessities. They are useful and helpful little things, but if I were poor, I would not need them. For example, I bought a really pretty shelf for my collectives. I could have bought a cheaper one, but I liked the way it looked. So, yeah, a bit of a shopping addiction I guess. But I still maintain a price range I never go over, and we pay 1/3 the cost for our apartment, because it belongs to my boyfriend's relatives. (This is also the reason I said that I hope my boyfriend doesnt just play with me. If we ever separate, he will be the one who stays here, and I spent much much money and energy and love on this place. I dont have relatives that would help me out, and in my country, it is basicly about being born rich or having luck that gets you through life. I have a few papers and still get no job because I am young)

Yes, some passions are healthy and some are not so much. Healthy ones include me saving up almost 2/5 part (which is still less than a good salary, but I work with what I can in a messed up country) of my paycheck, so I can buy a house even without a man. Or the one I am proud of, instead of whining alone in my room, I come here and try to gain insight about the things I might see not so righ. I read many books and articles about self improvement, because it is my main goal to become a great mother one day. The kind that raises a healthy, happy child with conflict resolution and coping skills. And even if I cant become one, it would be nice to not just love myself, but like myself too. Also love to help others, so those skills I am trying to learn each thay, can be useful there, too. My not so healthy passion is creating the best home, so I tend to shop a lot for gadgets and tools that make our lives better.

You do have a point that I never thought about, thank you for the insight. I was the one who you talked to a few months ago. I had the problem where he watched specific actors instead of random videos. We had many talks about that. He reassured me many times that it had nothing to do about him having any kind of feelings (sexual or emotional) towards anyone beside me, it was just his search habit (whose video was useful before, will be good for a few more times). Still hurts to remember those names, but I became aware that he needed time to get off of porn, and now he only uses homemade ones and way less frequently.

I understand and agree. I want to clarify something that I should have done the first time. My 4 year thing is based on the statistics that if a man doesnt propose until that timeline, he wont do it in the future either. I could surely focus on us for 1-2 more years, I am just freaked out that if he doesnt propose now, all that hardwork was just so he can break up with me in 6 or so years.

Again, thank you so much for the replies! I get what you say. The reason I hurry are the people in my family. Every one wasted years of their lives, because they couldnt keep their relationships. Single mothers, single fathers, too old to be mothers, too late to be married people. I dont want to end up like them. I want to love someone, cherish them, belong to them and create a life with them. I am terrified of having a life like my relatives.

No. I dont dismiss it, I just cant help him process HIS feelings. The way he couldnt help me process MY feelings when he broke my trust with his porn use. Of course, he could help with reassuring me by updating me about his state (eg. is he doing good, did he fail his no-porn practice, etc) but only I could work on a constant fear of him lying again. I built my trust again. I can tell him "hun, we did not argue in two weeks", but it is his job to work with it. I never said he has to solve my uncomfortable feelings, just understand that they exist and believe me. I understand him and I believe that he feels this way, but HE has to realize it is not the reality. Wow, I see. If I were him, I would have definitely thought that you would never marry me if you missed out the first time. My perspective is that even if times were and sometimes are hard, I was never unsure about him. Not even when I was completely in disgust after finding out about his little porn fantasies. Literally broke my heart when I saw pornstars names in his search history and I still felt like we had to overcome this. I just accepted the fact that he might not have been into me as much sexually in the past as he is now. But Im trying to concentrate on now, that NOW he adores me, and I trust him that even if porn comes up again, he will never ruin us again.

I am grateful for your replies. Although, most of you still dont understand me. I said "he should either break up or propose" because I cant see inside of his mind, but he knows I want to marry him, and if he knows he wont, then let me go. Every one has boundaries, mine is to only date someone who wants to marry. I dont see a problem with that. My girl friend's boundary is to date men who dont wanna marry, or have kids. And that is fine, too. And also, please stop talking about everyday arguing when it is not true. We have about one major misunderstanding that we always talk through and resolve, and 2-3 small "you did something bad" talks each month. We are young, inexperienced, so obviously there are more mistakes, especially from his side, considering he never had a gf. I stated he feels like it is everyday, for some reason. I cant do anything about that, because it is not a fact, it is a feeling.

This is why I said I will keep on with therapy. You guys seem to not understand me. It is his right to not marry me. But it is his responsibility to break up if he feels like he wont propose. Because I cant see inside of his head. I only know that I wont be his girlfriend for 5-6 years, so I can start looking for a husband at the age of 28-29. Nope. He has to be honest with me and either say "I will give you a ring before 123" or "we should break up, because you want marriage and I dont". It is only about trust. Either I trust him that he will inform me in half a year, or I dont and I wasted my time on someone who couldnt decide / decided to keep me as long as it was comfortable for him. I never said he must marry me. I said it is my must to get engaged around 4 years together. He has the right to give or not give a ring, and I have the right to say I want it at 4. He only has to cooperate and inform me about his decision

I did have a talk with him today, to make things clear. He said he didnt have any problems with me and he loved me as is, just the everyday arguing. I told him that our last arguement was one and half a week ago and asked him why he might feel like it happens every day. He said that it is the after effect that makes him feel like that, and I suggested him to work with this feeling instead of complaining about non existent arguements. I offered to use the next six months to work harder, so he can tell me at our anniversary how he decided about us. If he feels like he grew up, step up, if he did not, we will see. I will definitely keep on working with my therapist. Thank you for your help!

There was a time when I said "what if we didnt go through with engagement, wedding, just the paper so we can buy the house we want" (in my country, sometimes you can only share a house with someone if you are married). He said that it is a good idea for the house, but he wants to propose to me, it is the wedding ceremony he doesnt care about. And to be fair, me neither. I want the few people we love to be there, an affordable dress, good food and some photos.

We talked many hours, days about how porn badly affected our sexlife for years. It made him lazy, feeling like if there is not that much sex, it is okay, he will take care of himself. Which lead me to take care of myself more, too. So we started experimenting and found things we like, now we are statisfyed. He does use our homemade ones about every two weeks.

I see now. I didnt mean taking seriously THIS way. People tend to take things for granted. If he sees that I am here without a ring, he will think "oh well, why should I step up". There IS power in saying someone is your fiancée/wife. Even at my workplace, coworkers only leave those women alone who are engaged or married. If you are just a gf, you get the "what, your lil boyfriend minds it if I compliment you?". You do get a title that you belong to someone. If he ever told me that he doesnt want marriage, okay. But he said he wants it. Which does make me impatient in a sense that if he doesnt do it before a certain time, he will just break up with me.

He did say he sees his future quite basic, he wants a wife, a kid, a good home and travelling with his family. I never said that. I reacted to someone saying that I might not consider if he is right in an arguement. I asked advice on how to not argue in a situation like this made up one. Then how should I live together with anyone? When I had a roommate, we shared things. When she didnt feel like cleaning, she offered to pay for my meals. When we both cleaned, we didnt share food. It was 50-50, or I like to say 100-100. If I treated him as a roommate and not a partner, I would still have chores.

Okay. Then, please help me out here. Lets say he does something hurtful. I will make up a scenario that is fake. We have a group gathering. His friend tells me something insulting, eg, "stop acting like you can cook, you are definitely not a chef". I tell my boyfriend that he didnt say a word when his friend said that. So he comes to me saying "honey, you know how he is, it was just a joke". So I tell him how it was hurtful that he didnt believe me or just told me that next time he will stand up for me, and after this, he gets mad that I am sensitive and his friend would never insult me. Now what? He explained he thought his friend would never insult me, but I feel insulted. What is next? Also, how can couples wait more than 4 years to propose? I would feel like my partner doesnt want me. This is what I feel now. He builds our room at this very moment. He built a table for my pet. He texted me in the morning that his mom cooked m favorite meal and she sent me some. How can he care about me this much and still not enough? Im willing to listen, if someone can explain to me how a proposal is not a must after 4 years with a person you love and want so much, with the person you say "I want to work on this with you, I want to wake up with you every day"

Not ready to be married, but ready to promise that we will work together as a team. Because like this, as a "girlfriend", I dont feel like he takes me seriously

I focused on creating a much better relationship. And I did. I felt like finally we made it. So I developed a strong desire to be his official partner.

Definitely not. I cant do these things because it hurts. I feel like I am going through a breakup. I am the kind of person who can do these things only in a relationship, and I feel like I am not in one anymore. I feel betrayed, I worked so hard to make him feel like I am his future, I wanted to be officially his, on paper too, and he just threw it in my face. I was reactive, I used names, screamed and I was nitpicking everything. I acted like a hurt child who does everything so mom and dad understands their feelings (this is where it comes from actually). He was the same, he just didnt pick fights by himself, but he was inconsiderate and hurt me too many times. He broke my trust, he was a p addict. I went to therapy and decided to change myself because I dont want this life for my love and myself. And I did. Completely. The arguements that stayed are present because he could not change as fast as I did, so he still is not as great with undsrstanding my feelings. But he also grew, he stopped p, he begin to express his feelings with words. We have much more conversations, 100x better s3x.

He is halfway 25, I am 23. We have been living together for 2,5 years. We work. I asked him what he wants from life, from me. He said a house with me, marriage and a baby later. We save money for the house and right now we are renovating the apartment we rent together

Hi. The title might be misleading, had not enough space to write the whole thing. I want to state one thing. My boyfriend of almost 4 years told me throughout the years that he wants to propose, and I clearly said that I am dating for a ring, not a fling. He knows I am growing impatient because it was first said to be in november, then february, and this time he said something that really hurt me. He looked at the wall, asking "do you think this is a stable relationship?". I just could not say a word. He continued by saying "I just dont want to argue in 20 years". I told him that it is over then, and he told me that he does want to propose, and it is guaranteed, just not this way. He says he wants me, just not like that, we have to fix this one problem before he puts the ring on it. I completely understand that you get engaged when it is good for you, but I feel like he does not understand a relationship. I changed so so much for the better in the last few months, all the people around me said that. I think I deserve the trust that we can work on it while I am already his fiancée. I proved myself, I went from a complete beserk of a person to a caring, calm, communicating, understanding one. I changed my bad habits, and people say it is good to be around me. I feel hurt that he wants to wait and wait, like, what if his so wanted change would come when I already leave him? What if it comes in 2 years, but I am not waiting that long anymore? I truly dont understand what he wants. Saying he wants to fix arguing when he is the reason we argue, I communicate my feelings, he explains why I misunderstood instead of just saying "sorry, didnt mean to hurt you, I will be more careful next time". So, my problem is this. He keeps telling me he wants to propose. But since we talked about it, I cant act like I would in a relationship. I cant touch him, hug him, sex stopped. I feel like it is useless if an engagement is not promised because after a year with him, I was sure I wanted him for life, despite the problems. He says it is all the same, but I feel like it is pointless if I cant be sure. I love him so much and I miss him truly.

Sadly, I was diagnosed with it 😞 And I do feel a difference, when I know my feelings are irrational. You are correct in not accepting disrespect. This is what I practice in my relationship, he knows that if he messes up my healing time, we are over. And since you mentioned porn, I feel like I will come to an acceptance, where I can say "do as you like, but dont sabotage our relationship and be careful, I trust you". I had my time with porn myself, and I know there can be a healthy way/amount, when the relationship is not affected. I feel like I might be okay with that, this is why I want that 9 month trial. By the way, Im glad for you, for stepping on the path you find the best 🙂

Definitely not the case. I have OCD since I was 10-11. I can recognize my thinking patterns after 13 years. Actually, you guys made me realize that this is also a case, next to the betrayal trauma. Would be reasonable, but how my partner treats me now is definitely not the sign of a 'not right relationship'. Oooh, it was not a right one, but it was not right thanks to me, too. The care he gives me now is so overpowering, and it is also consistent. I get what you say, but deep down I feel like I would not care about this, lets say in 5 years from now. Which means that Im even more sure it is 65% about my OCD and 35% about the real stuff. I had bad toughts of him before this case, too. And later realized that I was just obsessed and having an episode.

I always felt that most mental illnesses are just like "bad habits". Today I learnt something similar from an article about OCD. In conclusion, OCD is a maladaptive coping mechanism. I had OCD for a very long time. These days I became aware of my thought patterns. I have obsessive thinking again, and even though I dont have any compulsions (eg. hand washing), my mind is pretty heavy and it is taking a toll on my life and relationship. We had a hard time with my partner due to me findig out about the mistakes he made. Now I cant ecape thinking again and again and again about every single detail of the past. I went to two different specialists a few years ago, but they did nothing, except just talking about my feelings and giving me meds that completely ruined my ability to focus. Healthcare is garbage in my country and I have neither money or chance to go somewhere and get treatment for years. So, please, consider not telling me "go to a therapist". I did, worthless. I want to take matters in my hands and learn. I would be thankful for some tips on how to learn adaptive coping skills, or even a book.

I did imagine. And he said himself that if it ruins sex as much as I said, he doesnt wanna jerk off as often. Once I even asked him, that if I would be ok with porn, how often would he choose it, considering that he agreed with me, and he said twice a month. That is not really many. My thing now will be showing him the bad sides, letting him change his value, and if he is willing, we can move on with life. Maybe I will change mine too and we meet halfway. Also, "choosing what he watches". If he says that "healthy porn" (for example, wihout faces, two people doing normal sex and not actrobatic theatral stuff) will be just fine for him, then he agreed and not I commanded I literally said that these were his choices. I cant say it any other way.

I did imagine. And he said himself that if it ruins sex as much as I said, he doesnt wanna jerk off as often. Once I even asked him, that if I would be ok with porn, how often would he choose it, considering that he agreed with me, and he said twice a month. That is not really many. My thing now will be showing him the bad sides, letting him change his value, and if he is willing, we can move on with life. Maybe I will change mine too and we meet halfway. Also, "choosing what he watches". If he says that "healthy porn" (for example, wihout faces, two people doing normal sex and not actrobatic theatral stuff) will be just fine for him, then he agreed and not I commanded

I said that I also watched porn, and not that I am still having this habit. Btw, double standards are sometimes completely reasonable. My boyfriend literally craves me since he stopped. Every single thing makes him get in the mood. He approaches me more often. When I watched porn in a relationship, nothing changed, I didn't desire sex less, nor was I distant. And he only used porn once a week, yet he is a changed man. A huge percent in this change is thanks to me trying to impress him by adding new tricks, but still there is a big part from the pornless life. I chose to give 9 months. If I can get better mentally and not worse, and if he shows this side of him in this timeframe, we can continue. Also, if I could find an alternative porn type, which doesnt completely ruins a person's perception of sex, I would not care if he masturbated on those