hannarivers

Seems like life turned out great for you, Im happy for that. My only chance with him is giving time, and see if he keeps up this change.

I am a picky person, but a very accepging one. Which means that I do see your bad sides, and they do irritate me, but I dont care, because I know I am not perfect either and I love you as you are. So, to be honest with myself, I would be always settleing, no matter who that person is. And the reason being is, I dont want to date myself. It makes life more exciting to be with someone who is not completely the same. For example, I love to travel abroad and my boyfriend doesnt. We agreed to go abroad every 2-3 years, and go around our country each year. I never liked vacation in our home country, because I love the sea and we dont have any, but this challenged me to try new things. So in other words, I settle, but it is fine. He has values that makes me love him for his soul. Family is my biggest dream and I know he would take care of me and his child. I trust him in that

But am I stupid for thinking that we will mature and grow? 23-24 is so young, I learnt so much by his side, and I am already wiser than I was a year ago. I saw him grow in these years, I saw myself too, and I hope for more

I think I understand what you mean about views and stuff. And good for you that you think like that. But as long as my partner treats real bodies (mine, to be more specific), and sees porn as an aid/tool, Im kinda okay. Those women chose to act like objects, be treated like objects. I also view them as they act. My boyfriend never treated me as an object, after sex, he comes to hug me, kiss me and look me in the eyes like Im his life. I think you see it the right way, but most people just see porn as they see a movie, not real, just an illusion, fantasy, pixels. Those personas are not real, therefore people cant see them as real people. If a sailor chooses to be a sailor, lets treat him like he is one. If someone feels like they wanna be a hooker, and they wanna be jerked off on, then that is how people view them. I agree that this is messed up, but in my opinion, movies in general are messed up. They entertain us to such levels, we can sit still and look at a screen for 2 hours, doing nothing. I think we have to separate fiction from reality. If a man watches porn and sees it as a tool, but treats women with gentle kindness and caring attention, it is fine "This much porn". Once a week is not the end of the world, when I did watch porn, I did it 1-4 times a week and now I dont even care about it. If he goes back to it, he wont be doing it more frequently, Im sure of that.

Children are definitely a bigger issue than porn. I dont want to be a person who is so butthurt about porn, that I would break up with a good man. Yes, he was a liar. But I was an @sshole in other aspects. Like I said, I was agressive because of the things I endured in middle school. But I changed. I wanted to, so I did. And I think he loves me enough to change, and he is self aware (now, finally) enough to want to grow. Porn is like alcholol. Two people can date if one likes to drink and the other doesnt. I really really want to feel better about porn, so we both can be happy

Im willing to be childish and say - But I want to be with him! I want to morph my values into something that is good for both of us. If he is willing to show me faithfulness to my pain by not doing it for a bit, then I might come up with a version that is good for him and me. I completely get what you say, I just dont want to let a person go whom I find trustful (well, not in this, but in more serious things), loyal, lovable, kind, caring. He can make me happy. Im pretty sure he wasnt an addict. An addict couldnt just decide and go almost 4 months without his addicting item, and be fully okay, without withdrawal symptoms. I think he just had a feeling about porn like I had about series, why not watch it every day. I could have stopped, just why.

You see, my problem is that I also watched porn regularly before. So I cant say I was a Saint either. I just never watched it for the visuals, this way I thought of myself more lightheartedly. I just liked scenarios and situations, never in my life have I found someone attractive in porn or chose by appearance. And the deal is, I love him too much to not find a solution. Imagine that you found out something about your husband that is this hurful for you. Would you not find a solution to fix your relationship, rather than zhrow away a person you treasure so much?

I wanted to add this. Im sure it was not in his mine that the actual action of masturbating to porn is cheating. If he felt like it was, he wouldnt have done it. When a random girl texts him, he doesnt even reply, and he doesnt watch women on the street when I am with him. What I mean by this is that he watches his actions, not just mindlessly goes around, drooling over women. Probably, in his brain, porn is not reality, this is why he feels okay with watching "pixel b1tches" and not okay with watching real woman in real time. I do understand him in that aspect. I made it feel like it was a crime, so he hid it, lied willfully when I asked about porn many times, and by me asking and him lying, it became a bigger crime.

Incompability is probably a too big word for THIS stage of our relationship. What I mean : If he told me in the beginning that he wants to watch porn, and I would have said that I am not cool with that, this woulda been an incompability - but, to be honest, my fear of him watching porn grew in the years when he lied about it and I felt that something was off, so if he told me in the first place, I would have probably gotten used to it and not care about it, because it happened in front of my eyes. Consequences made it worse. And why incompability is not the perfect word now : he already made the mistake by lying and breaking my boundary, and in the now he is trying to fix it by changing his habits, so he can be compatible with me. Incompability is something that occures when two people cant compromise. If he can say "Im okay without it" and I can say "Okay, I can agree on you watching this category 1-3 times a month", then we are good to go, because we found a halfway. I dont know what regularity means for you, Im sure he was watching way less porn since he started working and living together with me. In the first year, when we didnt live together, it was probably 1-3 times a week, then we moved together and he said it was about once a week, but rather 4-5 times a month. Which means he did it with me 1-4 times a week and did himself once a week, maximum twice. Im pretty sure that this thing escalated like a flood - he lied, which made it seem like a much more bigger thing. I feel like if I knew about it, now I would be fine. I think someone asked how I know if he doesnt do it - I cant surely know, I can just trust. If he does break it, then it is not about me, it is about him being way more sexual than I can handle alone. Not to be naive, but I do trust him, as I said, he seems much more mature. And also, when we started dating, he did actually stop watching porn for months for me, just didnt stop it completely. So Im sure that right now he ain't doing it.

I dont know if the country matters, but where I live, porn is so accepted that I dont know one gI dont know if the country matters, but where I live, porn is so accepted that I dont know one guy who never watched, and there is only few women who never did. Watching porn is so not taboo, that when you say you dont like porn, they look at you like you are weird. This is why I said, Im not into going through dozens of men to find one who never liked porn. Ill be okay with meeting halfway, he does his thing, just not as often as he would do while being singleuy who never watched, and there is only few women who never did. Watching porn is so not taboo, that when you say you dont like porn, they look at you like you are weird. This is why I said, Im not into going through dozens of men to find one who never liked porn. Ill be okay with meeting halfway, he does his thing, just not as often as he would do while being single

This is why I told him that if he really needs porn, we should break up, because I might be okay with it in a year or two, but I might not. He said he would be okay without it, he doesnt need it, he just thought he did. But he would rather be with me than choose this hobby. It is literally in my hands to decide if I want to move on and forgive/let go of the past.

You said he probably did watch porn. And hed been to strip clubs. Then why is it bad that my boyfriend watched porn regularly? And also, you said that I should let him do his thing

This is also a great summary, thank you.

Because I was stupid and compulsive, today I ate enough. You are right about that I should never ask him questions like this. But I did, and I was just curious how a "normally feeling" person would react if they knew their partner found someone sexy

Lets say your husband did watch porn, and you asked him if a specific person was hot, and he answered yes, she had a nice bod, would you not be, hmm, disappointed? I know I asked the questions, but still. I mean, I also asked him to not lie. This is what I meant by process, my mind was not okay with hearing that, even though I am adult enough to know there would be no person on earth who only finds me attractive.

I am really trying. Compared to my energy level, I do my best. Which is quite low now, since I started extreme dieting. I think its time to stop now. I know I need people, but the ones I treasure and trust are not available ad much as I would like them to be. And making new friends is not that easy. Horses make me feel calm, but for my luck, there is not even a place near where I would be able to ride

I agree completely. But these are the easier parts, because these are not connected to my thinking process. As I mentioned, my biggest struggle is to somehow process that he admitted to liking this girls body. Im not stupid, I know every one finds others attractive, but hearing it out loud messed with my brain a bit. Mostly because I truly cant get excited my someone else's body, just situations. And knowing that my boyfriend can get excited by visuals also is somewhat hurtful. I knew already that people can be like this, my brother also said that he likes visuals too, but, meh.... Im probably seeing this from the wrong angle, but Idk how to approach this topic in my had so it is not that messed up

Noo, I meant waiting for him to come home, so I can be with him. I do walk, a lot, since I am alone most of the time. Like now, I am sitting át a coffee shop ny myself

Sadly, I can only see my friends about once a month. They either work on days I dont, or live far away. But I do need a hobby I can manage even on rainy days. My home is tooo small for workout, but maybe I can pick up a creative hobby. I never want to check his devices, ever again. Im over that part. Now I just have to process the past. Espscially the sentence "she has a good body". It was me who asked, but now I cant unhear it. Now I get intrusive thoughts, that porn is not mainly about masturbating, rather about watching bodies. I mentioned him a few weeks ago, that now he rarely rejects me and it is because he is not watching porn. He came to me yesterday, saying "I think it was about 40 percent about what you said and 60 percent is because sex is much better now than it was before." I just had one question, "So you think porn once a week is so bad that you would reject me so much?". His answer was, "I dont think I rejected you as many times as you want to believe, and yes, once a week can be fulfilling, but it not really is about porn, if I jerked off watching the wall before you approached me, I wouldnt have the mood either"

I had four jobs, so I had to leave behind my hobbies. When I had only one job left, I just wanted to rest, because I work 13 hours for 2 days, then I have a free day. I rest, visit my parents, walk, sit on a bench, watch a movie, clean, and wait for my boyfriend.

I never said it. I said caring for him. Then someone said I am mothering him. Which is not true, caring is not always parental. He loves to bring food for me, I tend to be lazy with eating and I dont feel like he is my father. We do things for each other, thats it

Him asking me to cut his hair is not controlling or mothering. Me tending the house is not mothering. He pays for more things, I clean more, this is our agreement

He was never good with words. Once he wrote me a love letter and it took him 2 weeks. I asked him once and he said things like, Im funny, I make him smile, I am sweet, cute, I am loving, caring, he loves my touch and how it makes him feel calm, he feels peace in my arms, he likes that I am creative and I never say no to adventures, I cook well, how excited I act, etc

I would not be mothering if caring wouldnt be his love language. I feel loved by words, he feels loved by taken care of

No, I dont truly believe that