hannarivers

With this, you say, that in a healthy loving relationship, it is allowed to have sexual fantasies about other people?

I never said that the problem is not me. I know well that I have maaaaany problems. And I never said he has a porblem. I was just curious about male perspective, because I truly dont know that if a man watched the same person for eg ten times, that it means he is overly attracted, or just "meh, she is good, lets watch again"

This is for the last 3 replies. It took 3 years to find out he watches porn. Im not a hoe to go thru dozens of men to find ONE that never watch porn. Im not religious, I dont want a man like that. I dont want a rigid man either. I dont want a feminist. I want an "average" man, but they do actually look at porn. And I freakin love my man. I love everything, even his faults. I love him knowing he lies sometimes, because he is avoiding any kind of conflict. I love him, his good, his bad. I just want to accept his porn habits somehow, because he is the one who should be by my side in ten, twenty and more years. I just dont know how. You cant tell a beginner to write the perfect book by not giving any advice on how to achieve that.

It is not about trust. I know he would never hit me. I know he would never cheat phisically. I know he would never chat with a girl who is interested in him or the other way. I know he would never leave me in a s1tty situation. I know he would never tell me I am not enough, or that there is something diagusting about me (eg. a rush on my butt, I dont know). I know he would always come and pick me up if I needed him. This is trust. I have bad feelings with porn, so I dont trust any man with this topic. And I dont know any man who never liked porn, and tbh, I dont want to walk around the earth or use 5 dating apps to find one who never in his life enjoyed porn. So no, I trust him with women who talk to him, who he talks to, and who is around him. I just dont trust him with porn, because I dont understand a men's relationship with porn. I know we have no right to be in a person's mind. But if a man IMAGINES he is having sex with others, he is just with me because he cant have others or he is lazy to go sleep around. If he just enjoys a nice body for 10 minutes, its fine. But it is not fine to think of sleeping with them. And since I dont know what men think about porn and while watching it, this is why I dont trust it. This is why I wanted to mostly ask men if this situation means he wants to sleep with her

You are wrong about something. I DO trust him NOW. Because he showed me change in actions. He only lied to me once in 3 months about something stupid because he thought I was mad, because of my voice. And it was a small little nothing. He became mature when he broke me. I love this new him even more than the one I started dating.

And to be honest, I am the type of person who can only calm down if fully understands the situation. This is why I had questions to him about this specific pornstar. But now I am even more confused. He showed me a few vids he liked and told me he never looks at the face, he doesnt like all that acting. Then I asked if this is true because all of her vids are exactly like this : 10 minutes of her just acting and watching herself in the camera, then 5 minutes of sex, and 5 minutes watching herself. He told me I want to make him something he is not, because he didnt watch these scenes, he only likes when there is sex. This again confused me, because then there are better videos with longer sex scenes, why watch it ten times. I asked him to show me someone else he liked, and he said this "i watched this one because of the situations because I didnt find her attractive". Which again, makes me think he only watched that one girl because he liked her

I think I wrote about it. I did tell him I dont want him to watch porn, I did tell him it is cheating. He never agreed to the latter, but he said he wont. He did lie throughout those 3 years, saying he never watches porn. This is why I broke up immediately as I found porn. He came to me lying some stupid stuff. Then later admitted to watching it all along, he said he lied because my reactions are out of this world and he felt what I said about porn is not true, so he didnt find it a bad thing to do it in secret. Since I talked about porn many times in those 3 years, he had many opportunity to lie about it. Once I even told him I found a search history, he lied about that and said I didnt believe him and I was in the wrong. I even told him sorry and that he should tell me if he watches it, just dont lie. Since he didnt believe I was sincere to not rip his head off, he lied again. I had a feeling (exactly a month before I found about the truth) that I should tell him it feels like cheating, so please tell me if he cheated and he said he didnt. This is why it hurt so bad a month later. My therapist told me that I was a person who didnt create an environment where he could be honest, so he lied. She said if I wont change my reactions, he will continue lying. Maybe I was wrong telling him to stop it, instead of asking him "how could we do it so it doesnt hurt me, but is good for you". He was wrong for lying. But I was for giving him an ultimatum instead of asking what he thinks about it.

Because, as you said, crush is okay, acting on it is not okay. Jerking off is acting on it. If it wasnt, you should not feel sad if your man jerked off to the pic of your female friend, because "he didnt act on it"

I say it one more time - I know I have issues! But Im scared if my boyfriend had one too with this woman! My best friend had a crush on someone else than her current boyfriend, the whole time of the relationship. She didnt cheat, but she talked about him all the time, how she wished she could meet him. (she saw him on a train) I just dont want my partner to feel like this about me

How exactly?

I understand all of yours problems with me. Okay. I have issues. But why do most of you talk about me, when I had a question about my boyfriend. I wanted to know what does it EXACTLY mean if he watched the same person for 10-12 times. Because I dont want to be based by my own beliefs. My beliefs say that he had a crush on her, the type where he would get with her sexually, but he obviously cant, so he just gets off on her.

You are a mature woman, not a 24 year old young man. As one said before, women nurture, men are meant to spread seeds. Considering this, they instinctly like more women. Im sure he would never ever cheat on me, but Im not sure if he doesnt have fantasies of doing so while watching these actresses

I do get it, that I have fears. Many fears we have are never going to become reality. But it IS the reality, that he found someone attractive enough to watch multiple times. I dont understand why it isnt a valid fear. I do fear that the person I love is fantasizing about sleeping with someone else. Because even tho I have fantasies, I would never even imagine to sleep with someone else other than him.

I read around 300 men's comments on reddit, talking about the fact that majority of them have a favorite, "ideal type" they like to watch. For someone its a blonde one with big boobs, for an other is a 20 year old girl who is a brunette. Of course mine has a type, too. Every one likes a specific look.

Im sorry if anything offended you. I just talk about my experiences I earned from talking to male friends. As I said, if a man watches porn with ordinary sex scenes, nothing he couldnt get, he probably chooses one with a person he finds hot. And I didnt mean connection as "he would want to date her romantically instead of me", I meant that he would rather f her instead of me, because she is his porn-ideal-type. And while I generalize men, I just talked about what I see from my boyfriend. If he would at least watch something kinky, I wouldnt feel like it is most likely about the women. He also admitted that he found her hot, that is why he watched

You are right about this part. But I am caught up on this because men do actually choose porn by looks (if not, they choose by kinks and this one is not my case). So obviously, I am curious about that. To be honest, I dont really care if he saw 80 pretty women - I care about the one he chose to watch a couple more times. Because in my brain, as I said before, this indicates some "connection", like, when you see a hot chick in a coffee shop and you go back each week to see her.

I dont just view him like that. I also talked about all the things I love about him. And you know, people are wrong, many times. The point in me coming here is to know if I am in the wrong for my perception, so I can change that.

This is completely different. Finding someone attractive enough to go back ten times to jerk off is different than reading a book. And how is it not destructive if you like someone and give them this much attention.

Thank you!! 🙂

Thank you. I just felt like all those years were lies. He never was the kind of man who likes to touch me every minute like I am an object, he never was like "oh, you just bent over, lets do it". So I immediately thought "wow, so he must have been like this because he was statisfyed with all those women". When in fact, he just probably doesnt see me as a sex object. He also is not the kind of person who says nice things about my appearance every time I look good. He told me he is really bad with words and every time he tries to compliment me, he says something weird. So probably, it was all in my head. I know he loves me, he hugs me like I would disappear. But Im still a bit insecure if he is attracted to me enough. I can see he loves sex with me, but those are my skills

But can you be loyal and faithful with these kinds of fantasies?

I dont watch it anymore. Idk where you got it from. I stopped when he did. And even if I did, still wouldnt be the same. Him watching womens body with only a man's D in the frame and a video with only genitals in it is not the same. I always watched the latter because I dont care about bodies, I just wanted to see something sexual, not a person to feel aroused by, thanks to her perfect body and face.

I do agree with you on me needing therapy. I still wanted to understand men by coming here. I truly dont know that if a man watches ordinary sex with pretty women means that he wants to be with others, I am not enough or nothing of these

All young men does something sexual outside the relationship. I dont know any man between 20-28 that doesnt watch either porn, magazine, instagram models, girls on the street, female characters in games, movies, anything to do with women. Because they are full of hormones. Women nurture, men reproduce. While a woman is capable to go days without needing sex or masturbation and not even thinking about it, men cant - they can have control, but they will think about it. My partner did this routine when he was 21-24 years old. Im not into older men, so basically I should accept that they are in some way like this. I am 23. So I dont know what I expected.

Okay, I accept your opinion. But Im not sure why comment if you are not about my question. I thought porn was just a tool, not something used to watch the same person a few times. Makes it feel like it isnt a tool, rather making a connection to someone you cant be with. Maybe Im just stupid for thinking that. I thought men watch things they cant do and not what they can. I thought everyone had "kinks" and they like to watch that, but mine watched ordinary sex scenes with pretty women.