hannarivers

I dont understand. Now I should feel bad because I am unlovable? We literally talked miles about me being insecure, why would I know the reasons I am lovable for?

I am truly loyal. Loyalty makes me happy, I feel good and proud when I dont care about a person who I would say yes to, if I were single. Feels good that I always choose my partner and I would never betray them like this. People say Im funny, and I can make basicly every one laugh. I love to try things that my partner loves. It never was triring for me to do something he wants to do. I am caring, and I love to take care of him, feeding him, cutting his hair, buying him things he needs but would never buy. Taking care of our home feels good, I feel useful. But it I am honest, I dont like me, and I find myself quite unlovable because of all the baggage I have in my soul

Thank you. Do you have an advice on what I should tell myself when I get thoughts like "he fancied her more than me" or "he just downgraded his expectations by dating me, because I will never be like those visually pleasing, faking hoes" ? Because these thoughts are exhausting

Yeah, I was not. And I do stop checking. But I am also inexperienced to know how to trust. I dont know how to trust someone that they are not more attracted to porn than me. I know there are women more attractive than me. I quite dont feel more worthy to be desired than a perfectly staged sexual creature, who is a pornstar

By good replies, I meant the ones that were so simply stating the facts about me, I could understand them well. By better progress... In 3 months, I didnt make any, because I just ripped more and more peaces out of my heart by searching infofmation about the past. I can make better progress now, that I understood these things : Having a fantasy is not as serious as I thought. Him watching the same thing multiple times does not mean he is into her. I am insecure and this hurts as bad as it does because I only value myself for my appearance. He lied because (and I think it was you who said this, not sure) he wasnt experienced enough to tell me he didnt like my boundary, so he just pleased me by doing it in secret. I was controlling because instead of asking him what he tought of not watching porn, I gave him an order. Now that I get these things, it is relatively easier to make progress

I dont want to just turn this off. I have time. I have weeks and months to slowly change. And he has the right to stay while I do that, if he wants to. As far as it seems, he does want to stay and hope for the process. I wont push my love away if he willingly chose to stay by my side. To be exact, we agreed on a 6 month "trial". If we can solve our problems, or at least make a bit of progress in that time, we are meant to be. And I believe I can make progress in that much time. The reason behind me not making any progress in 3 months already, is that I was still trying to find stuff and ripping the scar open. Now you opened my eyes with a few good replies. So now I think I could make faster and better progress

I am thankful, but you guys say the same thing again. I came to get advice on how to change my behaviour and thinking, so I can move on and overcome my triggers - so we can have a good relationship

You dont seem to understand me. I said I want to adapt. Which means I want to accept him and his rutines. Because I care about him.

And this is why I came here for help:) Sometimes you find a shoe that is almost perfect for you. It is in the right color, your favorite style, it will be great for every day use, and the price is a pretty good deal too. Only one problem, the size wasnt seemless when you got home and tried it on. You know if you wear it for a month, it will be perfect, you just have to hang on until that. This is how I feel about him. I love him with all my heart, I love my life with him, and even his bad habits, like his white lies. This is the only mistake he made, and I want to be the one who adapts to him. As a great reply came in "he wasnt mature enough to say he didnt agree with my boundary, so he rather lied to please me". But he will mature, he wont be forever a 24 year old boy who never had a gf, and I wont forever be a girl who is so insecure. I want to grow and mature with him. I want to adapt, and I want to have a thicker skin, on which a pornstar cannot cut through. But I need advice on how to manage my perspective and triggers.

In one thing I wont argue with anyone. And it is leaving. As I said, family dont leave. An he is my family. We created a life where we learnt so much, and gave so much love. I want to work on the trauma, not him.

My work place contains triggers. And I cant change my job. Even going shopping holds triggers. So my every day life is full of them.

Im not moving out, Im trying to resolve my relationship. People forget that trauma comes with a lot of triggers. If Im not working on those subconscious triggers, my whole life will be ruined. Names, even letters, computers, naked women, many things are triggers for me. This wont go away by leaving the person I love the most. And I need to work on this by myself, because as I said, therapy in my country is not cheap, my salary is not exactly high and I can only afford one time a month, which is not enough. I dont care if people cant validate my trauma, I can still feel it is one. I dont have the money for hypnotherapy, so I dont know where to start.

We do, now its 2.5 years

Just one thing I wanted to clarify. "Just admit to me that you are nursing a feral crush on this porn star and want to have sex with her more than me!” I did not just have a thought out of the blue. There were a few things that made me believe it. First, he looked at her insta, so I thought, if this is just a tool, why care? He looked up her age. Again, just a tool? But I just left it like "okay, he was single then, hope he is not doing this in a relationship". Then, when I asked him, he said he did like her appearance. And when I asked him to show me another actress, he said "I didnt like this one, just the scenario", which again made me think that this is too much.

This is one of the best replyes I got. Really sums up. Thanks

Therapy in my country is not free. So I can only afford once a month. This is why Im here. I do want to move on, but I dont know how to do it when all my life I could move on only if I understood things.

I think I already said this. Before we got together, he started watching this girl a few times. Then we got together and he continued to watch her a few more times again. This made me think he had a fantasy of her. In my opinion, the first few years of a relationship are the most exciting, espscially if one (my bf) never had a relationship before. So I thought that if he did have a fantasy while having his first relationship, that was concerning. Because I, myself, am very focused on a person at the beginning and could not even imagine to have fantasies about someone else. I cant explain it in a different way, hope it is clear this way. And to the person who said we should break up - leaving someone I love is not an option, family dont leave. I didnt leave when I found out about him lying about watching porn, even though I said it was cheating. Because now, deep down I know it is not, I just cant feel it yet. Sometimes brain and heart are not on the same page. So, no, not planning on quitting. I plan to CHANGE myself, and adapt. Because I surely know, I wont find a man who I like and he never liked porn. And I surely know that this one loves me, he just messed up with boundaries and lies, I messed up with different things. My solution is working on me, and this relationship. There is nothing I want more than a family with him, in the future

I dont care about men. I care about my man. And I know that sex and masturbation was a huge topic for him for years. I wanted to understand him, an no other. I wanted to know if my assumption (him having a fantasy) at the very beginning of our relationship (which should be the most fun part for a guy who never had a girl) was concerning.

I would gladly have less M sessions for us, to have good sex. For me, shared intimacy and the quality of it is much more important. If I lied to him for years, I would justify his actions, going thru my phone. We are individuals, but dont act like men and women are exactly the same. They have much more hormones which lead to wanting more sexual activity. While I was outside living my life, my boyfriend watched porn each day. He IS obviously more into sexual desires than I am. So it is more likely for him to want others than it is for me. I didnt even have sex with my first partner, the second I had very few times with, I didnt care about sex. My boyfriends browser history was all about sex, when I wasnt even keen on it. So my assumptions that he has fantasies and I dont are based on that

Your hubby doesnt jerk off to those people. Mine does jerk off to this porn.

Good question. But cant give a serious answer. If it was 4-5 times I would be like, ok, probably good vids. 10-11 times feels like, I wanna asleep with her so bad

Seems like you guys dont understand the effects of porn. If he masturbates every time he feels a bit like it, he will consume enough to not desire real sex. My friend literally ruined his relationship with this. He felt like growing apart. Yeah, but he did it with jerking off each day. He didnt know why he couldnt desire his partner anymore. After the break up, he was so depressed that he stopped porn and guess what, his desire for real people cams back. My friend is a quite smart person. He simply wasnt able to realize what he had done because "why would five mins of porn a day be bad?!" My partner desires me so much more since he is on a no porn break. What an idea to assume that even porn twice a week can affect you (his is about how much he did). So, yes, I will talk to him and any partner I would have to not jerk off to porn every second day. Not as healthy as you guys say. To tell you another example, this is about my female friend. She literally thought she was asexual because she never wanted to be with her partner. In reality? She just had low libido and all those monthly 5-6 times she was horny, she used on masturbating. Masturbation can take away your mood for sex. Stay single if mastudbation is better for you than sex. They both should be present, but M should not be over S most of the time

Thinking that someone tells the truth ALWAYS just bc, you trust them is stupid. Moms lie to kids. Friends lie to friends, so they wouldnt worry. "But guess what -it would never occur to him to ask me if I ever crushed on anyone outside of our marriage cause...... he trusts me!" Oh god, so its okay to do everything if I trust someone? Or do I only trust them if I dont think any bad about them? No. I have to trust him to not cheat, but it is not about trust if I believe he has a fantasy

I get the process of masturbation, and I get that porn is an easy way. I made peace with my boyfriend watching porn again in the near future. As many misunderstood, I dont want to control him anymore, I dont want him to live in a cage. We surely will talk about the method that is good for both of us - for example, I would not be okay with him masturbating at 7pm when I get home at 8pm and we could be having real sex, but I would be okay with him doing it if I am 100% not having sex with him that day. I am aware of the serious problems with my beliefs and thinking that every one talks about. Although, I will say it again : my problem is not porn anymore, my porblem is not understanding the reasons for watching the same person on ten different days. MY beliefs said it is because he has a crush on her. My partner said it is because "I dont like many of them, most of them I watch only for the situation, she has nice videos and she looks good". We could have had an arguement on how good those videos really are (as I said, it is 10 minutes of her face, acting pretty, watching herself, and 5 minutes action) but we hadnt, I just left it, with him saying "yes, and I watch that 5 minutes, I dont care about her face and fake acting". Now it is up to me to either believe it (she just has a nice body, he doesnt care about her face and those 5 mins are enough for him) or think he lies (he is into her face)

No. But we should know by ourselves that we shouldnt have fantasies about others