sunday_luthier

His wife left with his best friend a year ago. There is no way he is past that, despite what he says. I would not necessarily say he's a jerk, but he is probably indeed very confused about his feelings. He is not in a healthy state of mind to act with you the way he does and then make excuses. Do not cling to him.

I read the whole thing. Very interesting read. You are hurt, and your depression and anxiety are making you act in a self destructive manner, pushing people away and isolating you. I have never suffered from depression, but I have been around people who do. To be very blunt (moreso than I would probably dare to be if we were face to face), your response to some comments on this topic have been that of a drama queen. It would be tempting to tell you to "cut the crap", but your reactions simply show that your depression has you in a headlock. Your wish to keep contact with your love interest for reassurance and to stay in his life (well, actually for him to stay in YOUR life) is completely counterproductive and a huge turnoff. Again, it's your depression making decisions for you. I think that online tests about attachment styles are actually very interesting, if only to teach yourself to pull away from your thoughts and try to observe them from a distance and with a critical mind. But as it has been said, your condition requires more than self diagnosis. As someone who suffers from different forms of anxiety (including in my own current relationship), it has taken me way too long to learn the value of sleep. If you don't catch you Z's, you simply cannot feel good about yourself. Lack of sleep will make your mind wander all over the place and exhaust you, make you feel anxious, overwhelmed and make you want to stay up... It's a cycle. I wish you the very best.

As someone who also has suffered and still does from social anxiety, and as someone who tends to value my independence and fears talking about my needs, feelings, in my relationship, I often tend to bottle things up, interpret things and get paranoid about my partner's attitudes, moods, comments, etc... I thought there was something "wrong" with me, but this is not entirely true. I think it's interesting to try to understand the attachment style you have (possibly https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-dismissive-avoidant-attachment-5218213). The fear you have about talking to your parents about your fears really could explain some of your behaviours. You are not responsible for your emotions, but your are responsible for your actions. By understanding how your mind works and sometimes "tricks" you, you can take a step back and make little adjustments in your actions. You're halfway there, since you realize yourself that you have a tendency for passive agressive actions.

Don't ASK her what she thinks of you. That in itself is a turn-off. Tell her what you WANT, which is to take her out on a date, on a specific day, at a specific place.

So we had a good telephone conversation today. She admitted the message she sent me was uncalled for and clumsy, and that she would work on not being so needy. I admitted that I did nothing constructive by reacting to her anger with even more anger, and that the needs she (clumsily) expressed were legitimate. We both have custodies that don't leave us much time together, so we agreed we needed to work on being more organized and better at planning those times in advance. I looked up the push-pull method DarkChOcO mentionned, which led me to research the different attachment styles. I recognized my self in the description of the dismissive avoidant, which gave me some clues as to what I need to improve. She was happy with our conversation and asked me to come over for dinner tomorrow evening. Baby steps....

We have gone on vacation all together twice and things went pretty well. I asked my daughters what they think of her and if they mind if she comes over. They said they don't mind doing stuff with her, like go to the park, a restaurant or a concert, which we've also done. But when I talk about inviting her at home for meals, they're uncomfortable and ask if it's really necessary... My eldest also told me "you're going to invite her anyway no matter what I think". That's when I stopped inviting her.

... so basically, my relationship is that of a guy with anxiety dating a girl with depression.

My gut's been telling me something's iffy from the start. The minute I kissed her for the first time, I asked myself "what the *** are you getting into?" But I have been diagnosed with several forms of anxiety. I know I tend to interpret things, especially when it comes to interactions with others, in my relationship, in the workplace, etc... My gut is not to be trusted 😉

I think you are right. When I read my posts and other people's reactions, I realize I make her look more like a shrew than she actually is. She can be very sweet and affectionate, and may have been the victim of bad timing on my part. Her mood is very volatile, though. She sent me an angry message and I responded with anger. Our conversation was cut short before we could get to a more "solution-oriented" part of the discussion. I miss her and want to fix things, but feel completely powerless and mentally paralyzed.

So band rehearsal was absolutely not how I thought it would go. She dressed a sexier than usual, danced and was cheerful with everyone including me, while I was feeling out of place and down. She asked me how I was doing. I told her "not so great", she gave a little peck, wished be good night and left. I don't know if she is playing mind games or if I'm the one being overly anxious, but if she IS playing mind games, I'm definitely losing.

I have another topic about my current relationship, but I created this new one because I fear my mind is being played with, and this is a bit off topic from my other post (that deals with kids). I am 44, she is 41. We met when we created a band, became friends, then started dating. She has custody of her daughter on even weeks, I have custody of my daughters on odd weeks. It's been 18 months now. She suffers from depression, was always up front about it so I "knew" what I was getting into. She can be incredibly affectionate, tells me I'm the best thing that ever happened to her. Sometimes she gets caught up by her emotions, irritable, and I'm on the front line to try to comfort her. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I tend to be a jovial guy and I enjoy time with her, time with my kids, time by myself. Because of our respective custodies, we only get every other weekend to spend time just the two of us. Since we live close to one another, we often eat lunch together on weekdays, though. I accept this situation. She doesn't. She has admitted feeling a great void when I'm not around, and I think she wants me to say the same thing, but it is simply not the case. She doesn't want to come to my house (she declines when I invite her) so we usually hang out at her place... Then she complains we always stay at HER place. In bed, when she's not in the mood, instead of saying so, she snaps at me, saying "Go home if you don't want to spend the night with me!". It makes no sense. She makes little effort to stay in touch with me but resents when I don't stay in touch with her. Last week, after being lovey dovey on Tuesday, she barely grunted a few words when I called on Wednesday. I sent her a sweet goodnight text and received a scathing message the next morning: "I am mad at you. You don't want me in your life. I feel like I'm being take advantage of. You're with your daughters but I'm crying here all alone. You called and texted me to give yourself a good conscience, but I know you think I don't exist! I want space" It was heartbreaking. I felt so guilty.... It made me feel terrible and then I realized I was ignoring my kids and being grumpy and absent that evening. So my emotions switched to anger. We had a vocal exchange in which I asked her what the goal of that message was. I told her that if she was planning on making me feel guilty, I saw it as a red flag and would consider ending the relationship. She said she was just expressing her feelings, and that she missed me. I told her that her attitude was that of a dependant partner and not that of a loved one. She got completely emotional and stormed off. Since then, she politely declined my invitation to come over this weekend, then politely asked that we go to band rehearsal separately. Band rehearsal is in an hour, and quite frankly, I'm afraid to go. I'm pretty sure she will be barely friendly to me and leave early to keep me in the dark. I want to stand my ground because I feel like I did nothing wrong. I've been feeling like I'm walking on eggshells for a long time in this relationship, and never know if I'm dealing with Dr. Jekyll or Mister Hyde. Any advice is welcome

Yes, that exactly what you are : co dependant. My story is not the same as yours, but my wife's attitude was very much like yours. Over the years, in my own house, she treated me more and more poorly, had me sleeping in the attic, set the table for herself and the kids (when she cooked, which was rare), looked down on me and my hobbies (while other people were really impressed with my woodworking skills), told me things like "people think you're nice, but I know who you REALLY are!". She made me think I was lucky to have someone like her in my life to actually stand me. And then, one day I put my foot down. I told her the way she treated me was unacceptable and that, one way or another, it was going to change. She told me she had grown out of love for me for a long time and wanted to leave our relationship. I was devastated. She planned to move out 6 months later (those months were horrible). But I did not try to change her mind. Right before moving out she said "you know, I changed my mind. I don't think I want to leave anymore". I knew right then I could have simply told her to stay, but I told her there was no going back. She left. Good riddance. But I have to admit that after she left, it took many months of feeling lonely and miserable to realize I was much better off without her.

My marriage started going down the drain when my wife got her first smartphone (and then so did I). You're be surprised at the little things it takes for a relationship to go one way or the other. Another thing : no TV in the bedroom. It's a no-brainer to me now, but it wasn't at the time.

Okay. I find it hard sometimes to tell the difference. Maybe I am jumping to conclusions in thinking she is playing games. I certainly hope she is not. I do believe, and now more than ever, that it was indeed too soon to involve her with my family. It worked the other way around, but the circumstances were different. I think my daughters and my girlfriend are in a better place now, but it might still be too soon. I will let the dust settle. I am in no rush. After 18 months, this is our first real argument. Thanks for the wisdom.

I met this woman through a shared hobby. We became friends, and this evolved romantically over time. That is why these recent events are opening my eyes and making me very sad. I thought I knew her better. We had a new exchange of messages which confirms she's playing mind games ("I'm sorry I made the mistake of making you a priority"...). This is such a deal breaker.... I'm crossing my fingers she'll realise why this is wrong and we can laugh it off together. She's a very intelligent woman, and we've even talked about toxic behaviours before, which is why this is so surprising. I have a work colleague who acted like this with her husband. He called her out on it and she never did it again. They now laugh about it together.

I don't need a relationship. I need to be a good dad. I'll take the relationship if it brings me joy, not anxiety. We'll see where it goes. I did the whole "comforting her" routine before she left, but yup, she's a game player.

So we had a talk today. Not sure it was a good one. One day after telling me she needed space (which I gave her by basically saying "ok, I don't agree with the reasons you are angry with me, but I understand"), she sent me a text saying she wanted to see me. I told her she could come over after work. I think she expected me to apologize or crawl. I told her that her message was precisely what I don't find acceptable in a relationship, that I would not accept any kind of mind games, and that she should learn to be happy herself before guilt-tripping me into spending even more time with her, especially since she's the one who decided not to come to my house anymore. She admitted she was distressed at the thought of not knowing when we would see each other again (the weekend? next monday?...) as we hadn't made plans. Funny how the whole "I need space" scenario suddenly disapeared... I told her that I felt her view on the relationship looked more like dependency than love and that I found it alarming. We had to end it there as she had to leave.

First of all, thank you for all your responses. Is has really given me food for thought. The reason I can't blame her for not feeling welcome is that I started inviting her regularly when the kids were over at a time when I think they really needed stability on my side and in the home they've always lived in. Their mom was preparing to move in with her new boyfriend. So my daughters were moving out of their mom's appartment and moving in all together in a new house with this man and his son. Right before the move, my older daughter was constantly giving the evil stare, snapping or giving me the silent treatment. I think the idea of moving was making her very anxious about the future. In retrospect, the timing to introduce a new character to our home was terrible. My girlfriend didn't know how to handle this situation, and her own mood swings really made for some akward silences. _________________

I don't know if passive aggressive is the right word. But being distant, not engaging in conversation, being visibly annoyed by playful jokes my youngest says. Sometimes it was really fine and fun, but other times it was like she really wanted us to know she'd rather not be there, being quite irritable. Of course, everyone can have a bad day or be in bad mood once in a while, but I think it was a bit too much a bit too often, and after a few evenings of uneasiness, I think my kids started to feel things were simply not as fun as when it's just the three of us and, frankly, so did I.

Absolutely, no question about that. I do suspect she will be mad at me for not checking up on her though... But we'll see

Hello, I'll try to make this short. Girlfriend is 41, I'm 44. She has one daughter age 14. I have two daughters, 10 and 13. My ex moved out of the family home (which belongs to me) 3 years ago. She has moved on. It was tough, but now I'm fine with it. We share custody of the kids. I started a new relationship with my current girlfriend 1.5 years ago. I get along great with her daughter and I feel comfortable staying at their house. The other way around is difficult. My girlfriend is very uncomfortable and uneasy when she comes over, and doesn't click with my daughters. She has sometimes displayed passive agressive behavior that have made some evenings super cringey. We talked about the situation and she told me she doesn't want to come over anymore. She says she feels unwelcome and I can't blame her. But at the same time, I feel she isn't willing to put in the effort I put in to blend in with her household. We recently agreed we had met a hurdle and that we would work on it together as a team to resolve the issue. Out of nowhere, she now tells me I'm not making room for her into my life and that she now wants to focus on herself. At first I was shocked and sad by this statement, but now I'm feeling downright angry. Whenever I don't have the kids, I am at her full disposal. I drive her daughter to activities because she has a hectic schedule, and I am happy to do so. I feel I should respect her request for time alone, but that I am in fact, and since the beginning of the relationship, the one that actually made the effort. What should I do?