adee07

Hello All,

My husband and I have been trying for our 2nd baby since May so about 5 months now.  I'm 32 and had our first 4 years ago. We had no issues conceiving with her-happened the first try. I did have health issues after having our first including significant vit d deficiency, mast cell disorder, vestibular issues, GERD and worsening eye condition.  These things have all been handled and have been pretty stable for the last 2 years.  I do continue to have joint pain that I believe is abnormal for my age (hands and feet get very stiff/swollen/achy, painful/stiff hips that I tried chiropractor, PT, and cortisone injection for, stiff low back), however many labs have been run (2-3 times repeated now) and nothing comes back abnormal. 

I'm starting to feel myself getting down on our bad luck so far to conceive a second baby.  I was on birth control pills, and when I stopped them discovered my cycles are about 6 weeks long.  I had been on birth control for so long that I honestly can't remember if I ever had longer cycles previously. I want to say they were normal in middle school/early high school before starting birth control, but I was young and inexperienced with that. 

I've been trying ovulation test strips and during the last cycle, did get a darker line at one point, however obviously didn't get pregnant.  This time around, I was testing twice daily and never got a really dark line. I did have an ultrasound completed back in June for some pain (everything was normal) and I know they noted a dominant follicle at the time so I feel like I must be ovulating? 

I don't want to start stressing because I know that can make things worse.  But I'm starting to feel like this may not happen for us and I have mixed feelings (it took me a while to decide to go ahead with a second after the health issues I had).  I didn't want to even have kids in my 30's....I know life doesn't always work out the way you hope, but I really don't want to be starting over with a new baby in my mid 30's.  We had originally planned on trying until the end of the year or possibly very early spring at latest....I guess I'm unsure what I'm looking for here. I guess any words of wisdom or advice? We don't want to go through fertility treatments either. I just feel like I'm letting us down. My husband is super supportive but I just feel like it will feel almost like a grieving process if this doesn't work for us. 

Thanks for reading, I appreciate it!

On 12/14/2021 at 7:16 PM, Isthisbetter said:

Yes, please take the other posters’ advice and bring her to a child psychiatrist and also a pediatrician. I had a cousin who acted out from about age 3 to 7 and they found out she was being abused (outside the home by extended family). She would scream bloody murder if she didn’t get her way, she would pull at people’s clothes, pull hair, etc. Once I was laying on the floor watching TV and she bit my nose — HARD! — and left a mark. Please get her help. It it does end up being an extended “terrible twos” then at least you’ll know you tried what you could. In the mean time, go on long walks, get plenty of exercise and get a small dog. Dogs are great at teaching boundaries and using up a kid’s energy.

Thank you very much for sharing your story and I'm so glad your cousin was able to be helped, how scary! We really have been feeling curious/concerned about the current daycare having a part in our daughter's behaviors as well. We're taking it all very seriously. Thank you again for your input, much appreciated.

8 minutes ago, redsox22 said:

Wow- I just read your last entry.  What you are describing is NOT OK!  Is this a licensed childcare?  Her behavior is negligent and abusive and should be reported.  No matter how nice she is to you  in person, if she is treating the children in this manner when parents are present, I can only imagine how she treats them them when no parents are around.  Please please please do what you can to get your daughter out of there sooner rather than later. Maybe a nanny share, a relative can help while you wait for a spot to open elsewhere?  Hugs to you.

These have been our thoughts as well....if I'm seeing these things when I'm there, how on earth does she act when we're not there? However, I guess our thought process was if she was that bad to them, wouldn't our daughter be upset about going there? I suppose she's just not been old enough to express these things in the past, but I thought maybe she'd be upset/cry about being left there but she's always happy to run off and start playing. We could play a guessing game forever I suppose lol But yes, even as I'm typing these stories now it really has made me think about all these red flags for behavior. I agree that maybe there could still be something out of sorts for our girl's behavior, but this atmosphere most likely isn't helping anything. I sent out another email this morning to check on a wait list for a different place. Thank you for the support!

3 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I get that you don’t like her. And yes she is worn out. However , body shaming not necessary. I have high blood pressure and diabetes as it is very prevalent in my paternal family. It doesn’t make someone a bad person . The fact that she is clearly done as a provider is something different . 

I'm definitely not body shaming, sorry if you took offense. I was just trying to get the point across that she has these health conditions, but does nothing to help herself. Just yesterday she was bragging about having Olive Garden for dinner. It's always some greasy, unhealthy meal (she posts these on facebook) and she has shared with me her lab results etc so I know she's definitely in need of some change, but she just doesn't seem to care too much or maybe struggles with an addiction here, honestly I'm not sure! But I just think when you feel miserable, or your body is not in the best shape, it's got to make it difficult to do things such as keep up with toddlers all day. Therefore maybe that's where some of her quick-to-yell behavior comes from? Either way, I just don't think she's in the right field of work anymore. I know she's looking to retire in the next few years, so I'm sure she's just in this "f*ck it" mode (she makes comments like this quite a bit about things). These things do not come from an uneducated place either. I know a lot of people do make judgements on others when they know nothing about healthcare/nutrition etc. I've worked in healthcare in different areas for 12 years now and have been back to college twice so I like to believe I have a good understanding of a few topics when it comes to health 🙂 

All this being said, I know she feeds a lot of junk food to the kids too and I'm wondering if this ever has anything to do with impacting my daughter's behavior. We by no means are perfect, but we don't keep much junk food in our house and we try to go for things like fruits, grains, yogurt with an occasional treat for our daughter such as pudding or chocolate. I've heard/read some interesting things on sugar, food dyes, etc being linked to behavior issues as well......man it's so hard to know what's causing issues!! I suppose that's why I'm not a professional in behavioral/mental health! 

1 minute ago, Seraphim said:

The yelling definitely needs to go . That is not good. But hugging for misbehaving? Um, nope. Hugging comes after you made amends to your little friend. But after 30 years of childcare she most likely is beyond burned out , it is also body destroying. Imagine your child as 1,2 or 3 for the next 30 years. Your mind and body would be frazzled beyond belief. 

Yes, I give childcare providers a lot of credit for what they do. I can't imagine being around very young children all day everyday! The reason I gave her a hug was because I had very limited time, needed to get to work, and we did not see what actually happened in the situation, therefore I didn't want to start a disciplinary action at the time. I wanted her to feel loved as she was clearly upset, but also wanted to remind her she needs to share with the others and listen to her daycare provider. But I completely understand where you're coming from-when we know she's done something wrong she definitely doesn't get a hug for it! 

Our daycare lady is honestly a very lazy person. She has a big computer set up right in the daycare room and she sits on facebook and shops online constantly. I know this because it's always on the screen and we are friends on facebook-she posts a million things a day.  Has always bugged me that we pay her and she's online a lot.  She also does not take care of herself. She is very obese, has diabetes, high blood pressure, etc. She has shared all these things with me and she leaves often to go to doctor appts. She orders out food constantly and goes to wineries left and right. Of course I would never knock someone for doing things that make them happy/relieve stress, but I just wonder if being so unhealthy contributes to her attitude as well. 

Yesterday, my daughter and I walked in for drop off to her YELLING at a child (I would guess he's around 8-9yrs old). I had to leave quickly because I was called to another location for work, but as I was walking out the door she was yelling "GET OFF YOUR LAZY BUTT AND GET IT!"   I just cringed leaving my daughter there. Don't get me wrong-she has been a nice person to us. She has given us things from rummage sales (clothes, toys) but we've just not had great gut feelings anymore witnessing more things like this. 

1 minute ago, arjumand said:

Long ago (Like 18 years) when my daughter was in daycare/preschool as a 2-year-old, I found out that every day she would have a tantrum and one of the teachers would have to carry her out of the room until she calmed down. I was appalled and wanted to know why, if this had been going on for months, no one had told me about it. And the director, who was amazing, said to me, "What could you do about that?" And she was right, I couldn't do anything about her being 2 and in day care. She grew out of it, they had good discipline, we had good discipline. And now you would never know :). 

This sounds like your daughter was in a great daycare, or at least had caring, knowledgeable staff to address any issues.  I believe this is what we've come to realize is missing from our current daycare.  The provider almost seems like she's just "over it" as I've seen her yell at kids many times and I've never seen her talk to them calmly or take the time to explain things. However, that being said, I'm obviously only there a few minutes a day so I may be missing it during the day....but she comes across as pretty rough. Only a week ago, I dropped my daughter off and she ran over to another girl as I was talking to the daycare provider.  The girls were sort of out of my view, but we all the sudden heard yelling and "NO I HAD IT FIRST!" and the daycare lady basically walked over and yelled my daughter's name and "GET OFF HER!" (we definitely have issues sharing)....but then both girls started crying and our daycare lady just basically rolled her eyes and walked away. I felt terrible and I called my daughter over and asked if she'd like another hug before I left and she did. I then told her that she needed to share nicely with the other kids and I said "have a good day, I will see you after work." It just doesn't sit well with me to have someone flat out scream at my child and then leave her to cry. I'm absolutely for discussing things with her and time-outs if she's being rough and not listening etc but to just leave her sit there? Ugh. This is just a long winded way of saying we've started to see things like this recently that make us wonder if this environment is causing issues in our lives with her behavior.  However, we are trying like crazy to find a new place but EVERYWHERE in our area is unfortunately full. The soonest we can find right now is this upcoming summer. We are on the wait list! 

Thank you for sharing your story!

4 hours ago, Jibralta said:

This reminds me of a little girl, Layla, that my friend Rachel used to watch. For a three year old, her sentence structure was incredible. She actually spoke with eloquence! She was super perceptive, sharp as a tack, gregarious, very inquisitive, and well-behaved. She handled Rachel's dogs with respect, and they respected her back. Layla was real wonder--it was almost funny how bright she was. I couldn't believe my friend when she told me that this amazing, precious little girl was a terror to her parents. I met the mom once. She was very sweet, energetic.... and flighty. My impression of her was that she was a bit of a people-pleaser and wanted to hand off authority quickly.

One day, Rachel and I went out for lunch and we had Layla with us. It was the first (and only) time I ever saw Layla try to misbehave--Try. Because the second that little brow started to furrow--and you could tell she was getting ready to scream--Rachel said quietly but sternly, "Hey. We don't do that missy." She didn't even look at Layla--she was digging through her purse as she said it. There was no anger, no stress. Just calm, absolute authority. The little crinkles on Layla's brow disappeared and she was smiling and chattering away happily. I was like, Did that just happen....? They had obviously had this discussion before.

My takeaway from that experience was that Layla was way smarter than her parents gave her credit for. They didn't take her as seriously as they needed to. Meanwhile, Layla had their numbers, and knew exactly how to play them.

I wonder if this is why the daycare provider seems to brush off or shrug at your questions--she may not find your daughter's personality to be very challenging.

Why are you asking "gently" by the way? What exactly does that mean?

  

 

I suppose I'm not sure if "gently" was the right word. Honestly, I've always had a very introverted personality myself, I'd be perfectly content being at home 95% of the time. My point in saying this is that I've always struggled a bit to speak up to other adults. It's my own anxiety that I've had since i was 14. Don't get me wrong, I've come a very long way, especially since becoming a mom, but I just feel awkward at times talking to other adults(unless someone really makes me mad, then I seem to overreact without a care). I'm told by many that I don't come across shy at all and that I'm actually very well spoken (I get compliments all the time from my patients), however it just feels hard inside lol 

So when it comes to asking our daycare provider, sometimes there's just a lot going on, kids running around etc and so I've tried to say "I'm not sure if she does it here, but at home she's been spitting at us when she's mad" and this is when our daycare lady just shrugs and will carry on telling a child to sit down or what not, so I let it go. Our daycare lady has been in business for 30yrs, so I know she's had a lot of kids and she does seem very used to kids misbehaving, but I just wonder if our daughter needs a different, more involved environment. We've definitely had people tell us that she's very smart.

Thank you all for your positive input/feedback, it's much appreciated! We've definitely been trying some of the things you've touched on such as ignoring bad behavior and acknowledging good things. For example tonight at home, she came over to me nicely and asked "mommy can you please get me my milk, please?" And I thanked her for asking so nicely and she smiled. Seems very simple, but for her to calmly ask and wait for a response was big for her. 

We had another big meltdown today at daycare pick up. She was refusing to get in the car to go home. Yelling, crying. It took about 10minutes to calm her down enough to get her buckled in. She was hitting/kicking and didn't want to be restrained in her seat. It's just things like this that can be very overwhelming. We try different tactics, but haven't found anything real solid to help calm her down. We just have to hope she comes around quickly. 

We started to look into some local professionals and plan to send a message out to her doctor as well for any recommendations on any type of therapist to possibly evaluate her. I know @Batya33mentioned watching old episodes of super nanny and I might do this as well, I remember watching that show when I was younger! 

3 hours ago, redsox22 said:

As an educator with over 20 years of experience I can tell you that this is not typical behavior for a 3 year old. I would strongly encourage you to seek out an evaluation with a developmental pediatrician and an OT.  Early intervention is key and can make a huge difference down the road. Waiting until school age delays help and issue will only worsen and be harder to address.  

Please do not blame yourself here. It sounds like you are doing the right things.  Your daughter needs an evaluation so she can receive targeted help and you can learn to help her as well. 

I am happy discuss further if you'd like.

 

 

 

Thank you for your professional input! It's been a hard thing to figure out when everyone in our personal lives keep telling us that she's perfectly normal, just more strong willed and daring. We've been told to give her time because it's a hard age since yes, toddlers have short attention spans and all that. It's interesting because at home, for the most part, she's able to listen and calm down when upset etc. Yes she's very active, but otherwise ok. It's any sort of social environment we've started to notice her change...like she's in a zone almost and just won't or can't listen. Screams if you try to talk to her about naughty behavior or anything along those lines etc. I guess we thought maybe daycare would tell us if something seemed odd too, but we haven't heard a word besides the fact that she says NO a lot (to picking up toys etc). 

It's very overwhelming, but at this point it feels like she should be evaluated and if they say she seems fine, then great, but I worry about holding off like you mentioned in case there is something up with her. 

37 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Please don’t try to diagnose yourself. Or label her. Or let others label her who haven’t professionally evaluated her.
 

So get the book Out of Sync Child.  It’s fantastic. And I’d get her evaluated by an occupational therapist. Not a psychiatrist unless you’re referred to one.

Also on the sharing thing. She’s 3. Does she see you share ?  Does she see people she spends a lot of time with share ? telling her is really inadequate.  Sure if she shares then reinforce it with words “I see you’re sharing your hot wheels car with Amanda.”
Also don’t make her share her very favorite toy among a group of toys. I mean if some random adult asked to use your phone during a restaurant dinner to Google stuff and message people and make calls would you “share ?”

I find these days on my local moms group many moms throw around “autism “ and ADHD at the drop of a hat and play therapist.  Make sure you focus on getting individual attention for your child from a qualified professional.  You don’t need a referral from your doctor at least in the states - I think there’s “babies can’t wait “ till age 3 then the public school system will evaluate if you don’t want to go private. 
All of this will help you not drive yourself crazy trying to figure this stuff out on your own. 
little oldie but goodie story consistent with my point. There was a 5 year old boy who had never spoken.  One day at dinner he said “pass the potatoes “.  Everyone was shocked and asked him why he’d never spoken. He said “because I always had enough potatoes “.  
Sometimes it’s a diagnosis. Sometimes it’s just - your child - sometimes it’s a stomach issue or a daycare issue or a sleep deprivation issue or a food dye issue or a hearing issue. Good luck !!

You brought up many good points here, thank you! I will check out the book you mentioned as well, luckily I'm a big lover of reading so this is right up my alley. Thank you for the time you took in your response, it's much appreciated.

7 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

She is sensory seeking . My son is Autistic, however he is opposite and totally sensory avoidant. Read https://www.chapters.indigo.ca/en-ca/books/the-explosive-child-fifth-edition/9780062270450-item.html?s_campaign=goo-DSA_Books&gclid=Cj0KCQiAzMGNBhCyARIsANpUkzN8BHpg6_8tXiQ-WeNavtga3rhUUfGtBzajq869Puhqh6oYSY8DPs8aAvkpEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds

Thank you for this, I'm very interested in reading it. Appreciate it a lot!

13 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

One of my friends has a daughter who exhibits very similar behaviors. I'm not a professional so I can only comment on what I observed. She does not discipline the child and does not follow through with anything she tells her. For example, the child was putting her dirty shoes on the restaurant table. She told her to stop. The child did it again and again. She just kept telling her to stop. She didn't take her outside or anything. She then ordered her some ice cream. This happened with several unruly behaviors; she got treats and gifts when she acted up. So the child has learned that "bad" behavior gets her ice cream and games and gifts. Why wouldn't she want to continue to misbehave?

I know a lot of parents give gifts and treats hoping it will motivate the child to behave, when it actually does the complete opposite. It rewards poor behavior and encourages it.

I have no idea if you have done anything like this, so please don't think I'm presuming you have. And please don't think I view my friend as a "bad" parent. She's parenting the way she feels is best. Who would I be to criticize? I did things differently but that doesn't mean it was the "right" way or that I'm a better parent because that's not the case. We just parent differently.

Anyway, I do agree with consulting a child behavior specialist. A pediatrician probably doesn't have the specific training that a specialist would have. It might be helpful.

Thank you for sharing this, I like to say I'm pretty honest with my life and maybe we lean a little too much on the side of NOT treating enough? If that's a thing.  We don't keep many sweets in the house and rarely go out for treats or many "fun" things, partly because we are worried about the actions/behaviors of our daughter. That being said, as I was reading what you wrote about your friend, I realize my mom gives my daughter A LOT of treats. She's always using snacks/treats in examples such as:  husband goes to pick her up from my parents house, she throws a tantrum because she doesn't want to leave, my mom then provides a treat/snack saying "ok here you can have this in the car if you behave" and then gives it to her to take to the car.  It works.....but makes me wonder if it's backfiring a bit. I know our daycare provider has done this as well. Something to keep in mind, but I agree with a few of you on here stating it may be worth it just to get a professional opinion. I appreciate your time and responses!

6 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

I would really really encourage you to reach out to a qualified child psychiatrist.

My close friend had very similar issues with her son. Her biggest regret is that she waited until he was school age and then was told that he is severely developmentally behind by the school. Thing is that there was nothing wrong with him other than, as parents, they just didn't know how to handle things properly.

Anyway, after the school told her to go to a child psychiatrist, she finally did take him. Turned out he was fine and she and her husband needed to learn how to parent him correctly and how to address some of his behaviors effectively. The psychiatrist also referred them to someone who would come out several times per week to work with them, no idea what the title was, but it was actually through their county health department, so free. Again, not sure how all that worked specifically because the psychiatrist they went to facilitated all that. The lady came out to sort of train them all for several months.

What I do know is that my friend thought she was an absolute godsend and they all learned a lot and it made a huge difference. Her son caught up quickly and went back to school and was just fine. He is doing great now as we speak and has good grades and is otherwise doing well. Super athletic, so probably will get a free ride to uni on a sports scholarship. Big turnaround from nearly being kicked out of school for being too behind and too unruly. 

This is very interesting, thank you so much for sharing this.  It makes me wonder if we're just not meeting her needs somewhere whether it be how to handle her emotions or if anything else is going on that's holding her back.  Honestly, she doesn't show any developmental issues otherwise.  She learned her colors and how to count very early on and has been speaking in full sentences for a long while now.  But we just cannot figure out the tantrums/attitude/screaming.  Again, thank you and I will be sharing these things with my husband tonight so we can discuss.

Just now, boltnrun said:

I congratulate you for trying your best to be a good parent. It's obvious you love your little girl.

No, this is not typical toddler behavior. My kids didn't behave the way you describe.

How is she at "school"? Does she exhibit the same behaviors?

Thank you so much, I do love her with all my heart and this has been very difficult to process in a busy life! 

We need to buckle down on the daycare provider a little more and ask some to-the-point questions I think.  When I've tried to bring things up gently recently, I feel like our daycare lady sort of brushes me off or shrugs, acting like it's not a huge deal.  I guess we have sort of thought "ok maybe she does ok there otherwise you'd think we'd be told?" 

We're actually in the process of trying to find a new daycare for her to see if this maybe helps.  Her current daycare is very much so a "free for all" and they have no structure what so ever....I don't think this does my daughter any favors. Unfortunately daycare is SO HARD to find, ugh. We're on wait lists. 

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What does your pediatrician say? Has she had genetic testing? Has she been worked up for metabolic, neurological and other issues?

Stop using garbage basket Dr Google diagnoses like adhd. Get an actual evaluation by pediatric specialists.  Do you or your husband have any genetic issues in your family history?

It's sad how many parents torture their kids because of 'bad behavior', only to find out they have genetic, neurological or metabolic issues. Get the child evaluated.

We saw her pediatrician about 2 months ago and he did not seem overly concerned.  He told me if it's something that continues into preschool/kindergarten or causes major issues at daycare that we would then be referred to see someone. I would never torture my child and I work in the medical field as well. I have been using my resources and just haven't had anyone come out and say yes she needs to be evaluated, therefore I thought I'd reach out to get other experienced parents opinions/advice. 

We do not have any major genetic issues in my family or my husbands that we are aware of, which is also what caused me to hesitate and reach out to others.  If I knew there was something out there in our genetics, I definitely would've brought it up to her pediatrician. I do struggle with anxiety myself, however mine has been brought on mainly by many other health issues i developed after my pregnancy. 

We're also in the process of switching over insurance and we do not know where she can be seen at until we get the paperwork.  If we had plenty of money sitting around I'd be able to take her right now, however I didn't think this was life or death therefore thought I'd reach out to the public while we're waiting on insurance.  Healthcare in the US sucks, coming from someone who's also employed in it. 

Hello, 

We've always had a VERY hard time raising our now 3 yr old daughter.  She was born 6 weeks early, battled acid reflux as a baby but otherwise no deficits thankfully. She cried seemingly all the time. Obviously I know there were happy moments, but when we look back, it just feels like it was always a struggle.  She had "witching hours" for 4 months where she'd just SCREAM every single night from 6pm-8pm.  As she's gotten older, she just seems different than other kids we know and/or see in public.  She really struggles to share & causes lots of fights that way. Just cannot seem to grasp the idea even though we've been over it a million times. It seems like the only person in the world she listens to the best is my mom, her grandma.  She's the only one of the grandkids who throws MULTIPLE tantrums every single time we're anywhere but home.  I'm talking on the ground flailing etc.  Sometimes she'll just lay there, we'll try to go to her &that'll make her SCREAM bloody murder.  We've done a lot of research on handling emotions, gentle talking, keeping calm, acknowledging feelings etc but we can't seem to get through to her. 

Example:  We went to a local garden to look at holiday lights. She would NOT listen. Purposely running into strangers&if we tried to grab her hand etc to lead her away from them she'd start this high pitched screaming. I felt so embarrassed, SO MANY people she did this to&they just looked at us like we're crazy.  She threw herself on the ground in the middle of walkways multiple times so people had to go around her.  I tried multiple times to kneel down at her level&ask her if something was wrong, or tell her to please listen/stay with our group, &even threatened leaving etc but every time I try to do this, she just does that scream&won't stop til I walk away. My sister, who has 2 daughters of her own, also tried to kneel down&talk to her& she just screamed at her too...how embarrassing. I'm using this story because it was really recent, but she's like this anytime we try to have experiences with her & we end up leaving exhausted, frustrated, and never wanting to leave the house.

We recently started swim lessons&the kids sit on the steps of the pool& the teacher takes them one at a time to practice skills. They make this very quick so not much time in between, however our daughter CANNOT sit still on those steps.  I don't expect perfection at all from a 3 yr old, but she has multiple kids the same age as her who sit nicely&listen while she bounces all over/bumping into the other kids/wants toys & if the toys start to float away she gets really upset etc. The teacher has to talk to her multiple times to not worry about the toys&remind her that it's her turn.  She's great at her skills, in fact they're actually moving us up to the next level because her skills are great, but also because she can't seem to sit still in this class. They're wondering if she's not challenged enough, but we see this happen at other places too.

She recently really struggles to sit at the dinner table.  We're lucky if she takes 2 bites of food before she's yelling that she's done/trying to get down. Its a constant battle. If we let her down after a few mins, then without fail 20-30mins later she's asking for food/saying she's hungry.  We always save her plate & make her have that. Sometimes she'll take a few more bites on the run, other times she says no/just won't eat. I just realized typing this, she's always pretty good at breakfast though.

At home, it seems she can't just sit down& relax unless something good is on TV. Otherwise, she's constantly getting into trouble, pushing our buttons by getting into stuff she shouldn't, runs laps around the house.  If we try to get her to sit&color for once, we're lucky if that lasts 5 mins. She doesn't hardly sit& play with any of her toys. And I want to add another random issue: potty training. Its been HARD.  After 4 months, she's maybe 75-80% pee trained, but like 0% poop...she will NOT stop pooping in pants no matter what we try. When we put her on the potty, she barely sits there for 3 secs before she bounces back up saying "can't go yet"...we ask her to just try & she refuses. We've learned to not push her, as this makes it worse.  But I guess I thought after 4 months we'd be at a better spot. She's in undies all day except overnight. She's had treats, praise, prizes etc but nothing sticks. I've even made her help clean herself up....that backfired because she seemed to really enjoy helping.

Her most recent strange thing (to me, no experience with it?) is that she started holding food in her mouth.  This just started about 2 weeks ago. It's happened twice with string cheese,once with oranges, once with blueberries/grapes.  Just chews it all up then holds it in her mouth refusing to swallow. Today she did it again&after 25mins she said "it won't work" pointing at her throat& had to spit out the food into the garbage again. She's ALWAYS been a very, very picky eater. For a long while she was considered "too low" on the weight/BMI chart but we just couldn't get her to eat.  She hates pretty much any type of meat or vegetable.  But these foods that she's been holding in her mouth are by no means new...in fact they're some of the few things she happily eats without issue.

My husband& I are very big on not putting "labels" on our daughter, however we both have started wondering about things like ADHD or some sort of sensory issue? When I've googled these things, it seems as though we should wait until school age to look at taking to doctor for a diagnosis, but we're so lost. We'd like to enjoy family outings &we honestly have wanted to add a second child to our family, but this one is SO MUCH WORK for us that we're at a loss.  Does this sound like typical toddler behavior? My parents like to say she's just more challenging than others/still perfectly normal...but then my mom went off& bought my daughter a type of "fidget bracelet" ...that to me sounds like she thinks maybe somethings up too? She didn't get any of the other grandkids one. 

She goes to daycare 3 days/week &is home with me 2 days/week. So she gets exposure to other kids etc and has since she was 8months old. We've had concerns about our daycare provider snapping at kids/giving lots of time outs etc....but with the way our daughter acts, it's hard to blame her sometimes. We know there's a girl our daughter doesn't get along with, she says she pushes her/hits her& I've witnessed this, however our daughter isn't totally innocent either so this is hard to decipher. They are about the same age.

I'm sorry for the long post. I was just trying to cover the major points so thank you for reading and I sincerely appreciate any advice/insight....

Sincerely,

One very stressed out Momma!

8 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

I've been married for a long time and I don't have an optimal nor idyllic relationships with my in-laws.  Granted, none of us are at war, however, there's an undercurrent of dislike due to past negative experiences which I'm still bitter and resentful about to this day.  Can I forgive?  Yes.  Forget?  Never.  Never forgetting is beneficial because it reminds you to become permanently wary and jaded.  You can't and won't trust them anymore.  Naivete is no more.

I agree with others.  You can't change your in-laws.  They are who they are and don't expect them to change for you, your daughter, husband, no one.  Accept who they are even though you look upon them with great disdain.  This is what I do:  I accept people the way they are and it's a comfort because I don't have high expectations of others anymore.  In fact, I expect the WORST in people and if they behave, I'm pleasantly surprised and silent.  I'm not impressed if they behave.  I'm just quiet and I know any good behavior is temporary before the next flare up.

Since I don't like some of my in-laws, my husband and I've since learned to decline being with them at random.  We do not accept every invitation or suggestion to gather.  We do not socially gather with them at every opportunity.  There were times when just my husband was in attendance while I stayed  home and took a glorious nap!  I loved it. 

I don't home entertain anymore.  Back in the day, I provided home cooked meals at my house at least several times a month whether for in-laws or friends.  I don't do that anymore.  It's a relief.  I'm tired of it.  In the past, I had a steady stream of visitors.  I don't have visitors anymore. 

You can't fix this.  Don't even bother sitting down and hashing out your differences because it's a waste of your time, breath and energy.  Your intentions are good.  However, if you attempt to hash it all out, you will receive backlash.  They will become belligerent and argumentative.  

Problems with in-laws is universal.  I'm sorry for your distress and turmoil.

It is a dilemma.  You can either send your husband to family gatherings, send him with your daughter in tow while you remain at home OR attend and do what I do.  You'll need the tolerance of a saint, turn a deaf ear, learn to ignore, rise above them by showing class and grace no matter what.  Also, practice disengaging.  I always say this to myself:  "Don't get hurt.  Get smarter."  You don't have to play sweet.  Just remain well mannered yet maintain a cool, frosty distance.  This is what I do and it really works.  Train yourself to become numb.  Take the higher road and be the better person.  Also, don't linger.  Make your and your family's appearance (husband, you and daughter), don't stay too long and go home.  Make your visits fairly brief.  This is whether at a house, restaurant, public or wherever.  I'm sharing with you how I survive with the ***ly in-law situation. 

I would have a problem with their dangerous house though.  It is unsafe for your daughter.  Don't care what others think regarding your daughter's safety.  Your in-laws' house is a danger zone.  Protect your child first and foremost without having to constantly chase her.  If it means no longer visiting your in-laws' house, then so be it.  Safety first.

Keep a cool head and learn to emotionally detach yourself from them and you'll become a very shrewd person.  Keep the peace, remain peaceful and polite but keep your distance.  Don't get personal.  Practice good diplomacy.  You don't have to like each other.  Be civil and limit your interactions with them in person and otherwise.  Don't engage on social media with them, don't text, email, message, voice mails, etc.  Cut that out.  Outsmart them by changing yourself.   

There are several options:  Meeting at neutral locations, sending your husband only to his parents' house, chasing after your daughter at your in-laws' house, the 3 of you declining and staying home or estrangement. 

 

@Cherylyn I found myself nodding along with the things you've said here. It's interesting, I was always told by my parents growing up (and still to this day in my 30s at times)  that I'm negative because I have a hard time trusting people and forgiving/forgetting. I'm glad I'm not alone in this. However I need to hold onto the part about just staying "numb" in a way so that things don't bother me so much. Can be difficult with this anxiety ridden mind of mine that thinks everything to death! 

After reading everyone's responses multiple times, I agree that trying to sit and hash it out just doesn't seem like a great idea. When I stop and think about it, you can't change who people are. Once in a while if someone really wants to change, they might. But regarding my in laws who don't think they've done anything wrong....well I'm sure nothing will change. 

You gave a lot of good advice here, thank you so much for your time with this. I plan to keep coming back to these responses to help myself "retrain my brain" I guess you could say. 

11 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I would go to the dinner. I've already posted my overreaction to a stupid comment that I could have overlooked and allowed to speak for it's own ignorance.

Now is my opportunity to recover while everyone is willing to play nice and overlook it. If I don't take this opportunity, then I'm the one making a monumental mountain out of what I could otherwise treat as a nit and move beyond. If I use this opportunity properly, then I'm making next event doubly difficult. I'd skip that.

Whatever 'stress' I want to assign to my dealings is of my own making. I'd skip that, too, and I'd minimize the importance of these people. I'd enjoy pleasantries at face value for my husband's sake. I'd stop projecting expectations onto IL's, and I'd overlook anything I'm tempted to interpret as snide.

I'd quit choosing so many mental battles, and instead, I'd just rise above the battlefield--to peace.

I'd consider that some grandmothers are 'grandmas' while others are 'auntie mame' types that just aren't all that interested in babies. Sure they might fake it for those they wish to impress, but close family gets to see the reality of their disinterest. Some 'mame-types' start bonding as the child starts developing a bit more into personhood, others will keep arms length until the child grows into someone resembling an adult with whom this person can relate. Others, still, may just never really bond, and that speaks of them, not your child.

It's fortunate that you're gifted with a far friendlier and more loving family. For your husband's sake, don't project that onto husband's family and complain when they won't rise to that bar.

Head high, minimize the importance you place on husband's family, and always allow HIM to deal with them--and without your influence. You and he both will thank you for that later. 

@catfeeder thank you for this advice. You brought up many good points that I want to sit with. Mentioning the mental battles also really stood out to me as I've struggled with an anxiety disorder since my teen years and I think without meaning to, things just circle in my head making everything worse. Thank you (and everyone)  for taking the time to read and respond to me. 

I kept telling my husband that I just wished I could have an outsiders view, and you all have provided me with that and I thank you. I know it was a long read, and there's so much more that has happened but no one has the time to hear all that 😅 Anyways, you all have provided me with some interesting points. Seems the consensus is that I need to try and step back, let things be. Easier said than done for me sometimes, but I do so badly want to not be bothered with this 24/7. 

As I mentioned, I really don't want this to impact my marriage (which has been amazing really, I'm very thankful for my husband). I do think things need to be said at times to his family (like when the family went to dinner for his sister's bday and we weren't invited which was hurtful; this was prior to my daughter's bday drama), but I think I need to leave this communication to my husband & I just need to step down. Only thing with that is my hubs hates confrontation & he most times chooses to bottle things up & ignore...so then I get frustrated and the circle starts all over again! 

I should add, my side of the family is very different. My parents are very involved, but we do have 4 grandkids on that side. My siblings aren't overly involved (each have their own kids too), however we see them often to play with the kids. It's funny, my family grew up awkward, fighting, and not close at all...but we are so much better now as adults with our own kids. My husband's family is the total opposite... they were so close&loving growing up... now lots of issues. I guess I should just be thankful that we have my side to be involved. There's still drama there of course at times, but they never let it get in the way of the kids.

I just want what's best for my little family's happiness. 💜

My husband was my brother's best friend as kids, so our parents know each other well. My husbands parents also became close with my aunt&uncle...I'll just state that lots of drama/gossip happened which led to everything always being my parents vs inlaws/aunt/uncle. I'm giving this background because I feel my inlaws (mainly mother&sisters in law) have always had judgement against me due to their feelings/issues with my parents (even tho I never had an issue with anyone).  

In recent years, things have gotten worse in my relationship with my in laws (my own parents are pretty uninvolved with them at his point). My MIL has made rude comments to me along lines of not being a part of their family (this happened the weekend after we were married 4.5yrs ago) and acted VERY possessive of my husband (her only son,has 2 daughters).  Anytime we had gone out to eat etc. my MIL would always get this high pitched lovey voice like "omg hi honey come sit by your mom, my amazing son" and she'd hardly acknowledge me. I've just kinda taken it these yrs because it was just weird& I wasn't sure what to even say.  My husband began to notice how she'd act& tried to not enable her acting this way. 

3 yrs ago, we had our daughter & 5months later, my FIL was diagnosed with brain cancer. This was a VERY difficult time. He was on deaths door for months.I have medical background& tried to be there every step of the way even tho I was having my own health issues& trying to raise my first (preemie) baby&he was at a hospital an hour away from us. Thankfully, he's currently in remission. Point of this section was just to note that I truly feel like I try to be there for them; I've always been a sensitive person, taking on other's feelings/problems to try and help. My own mother even organized a trip from WI to Mississippi and DROVE them because at that time, we weren't sure how much time my FIL would have to live & they wanted to spend time at a place they loved.

Regarding my daughter, my in laws basically have refused to ever come to OUR house (they live 5mins away)to see her&they refuse to do activities with us like the park etc.(but then get mad if we do things with others). They expect us to bring her to them every single time. Their house is a toddler death trap. Cactus plants, wobbly shelves, breakable things EVERYWHERE. Stone fireplace. We spend the time constantly chasing our daughter around keeping her out of things while they just sit on couches&relax/talk. They hardly ever interacted with her. Its like they didn't understand how to treat her. We (husband and I) got to a point where we were sick & tired of always having to go to them&then watch them have no interest in her..We stopped going all the time&have been met with "you're keeping her from us" messages too many times to count. We've told them many times they're welcome to stop over anytime they'd like to see her (but they don't). 

More recently (October), they weren't going to come to my daughter's birthday because they wanted to go to church. We were upset as she's their ONLY grandchild& has 1 birthday per yr &they complain they don't see her. After my husband stated this to them, they decided to come. At the party, my daughter, being 3, threw a nice big tantrum. It was stressful, we were trying to calm her/get her away from the situation. My MIL thought that was a good time to say in front of everyone "my kids NEVER acted that way...and if they did *makes slapping motion with hand*" ....I was so worked up already that I shot back at her "I dont believe for one second that your kids never acted out&also, we don't use physical punishment" and we exchanged a few more brief comments before it got quiet/awkward in front of everyone.

 The next day, I was still very upset (feels like I finally broke when it comes to the inlaws). I made a social media post (I know,never good idea) just stating facts about toddlers learning to process emotions/psychology etc &topped it off with something like "if you aren't an active role in my childs life, I don't need your judgement."  My MIL text my husband right away with nonsense about "Well i must be a terrible mother then" etc. I told him I'd text her since I was the one who made the post. I REALLY tried. Spent a good while figuring out respectful way to word my message, explaining where I was coming from,why i was upset about the things she's said&the way she's acted. I repeated twice that I'd NEVER call her a bad mother&that everyone is entitled to their opinions etc. She responded with NOTHING. Literally ignored me. My husband text her that evening asking if she got my message&she said yes,then started going off on him again. He answered by saying it was very disrespectful to not even acknowledge me etc and so then she sent me "thank you for your message"...I didn't say anything else. Of course I don't think all this was just about the birthday, this has been years of slowly building tension.

Since this happened we haven't talked/seen them. They didn't bother to ask about our daughters Halloween, it was her first time dressing up/ trick or treating. Didn't bother to send her a Halloween card or drop off candy or whatever. Haven't asked about her very first swim lessons that started 4 wks ago...Just haven't even asked about her. It's so hard to get the message across while typing on the internet, but really they've all just been so lazy when it comes to my daughter. They don't bother to see her/ask about her, but then the few times we see them (sisters in law included, ages 22 and 30) THEN they act like they know her so well etc and it's maddening the way I feel when they don't even ask about her, but then when they finally do pay attention to her, I get pissed because it's just whenever they decide to feel like it/when it's easy for them. It makes me feel like a nut! I should note here too that they've spent time with extended family members' new babies etc so they aren't "against" children/babies by any means. They post pictures and everything, something they've never done with their own grandchild/niece.

Now my FIL birthday is this upcoming weekend&they sent a group text saying they're having dinner. We have NO IDEA what to do. They are PROFESSIONALS at not talking about things& pretending it didnt happen...yet all this underlying tension will be there&I just don't do well with that. My husband said he'd just go, but they're the people who would LOVE &prefer that. They'd be so happy if I didn't go..so of course I just feel like that's giving them what they want&they all get to have a nice dinner while I sit at home? That doesn't solve anything. 

I dont know how to fix this. I would prefer to probably sit down&hash out our differences, but we do not believe they'll agree to this. I feel terrible because my husband loves his family, but is also very frustrated that they've treated me (and our daughter) so unfairly. I tell him all the time I don't want to separate him from his family, but deep down I still need him on my side too & I think he knows that. Of course it's holiday season so it just makes everything harder...ugh. I just worry about my daughter getting older/asking about them and also worry about the tension this causes on my marriage. If you made it this far, thank you for reading and I appreciate any advice or similar stories you have to share!!

37 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Oh, and I was young too. First pregnancy I was late teens, second early 20s and third mid 30s. No reason whatsoever for me to get as sick as I did. But I did anyway.

You don't absolutely have to have two children if it would be too risky. But of course that is your and your husband's decision, not mine or anyone else's.

@boltnrun That's interesting that your tests came back negative as well for everything you went through, especially because it's clear your body, like mine, wasn't right! I hope you have been able to recover from those issues! I think it just feels so unfair sometimes and I wish I could just be one of those people who seemingly have no health issues! But yes, this decision is so personal and it's a big one.  I struggle enough with easy things in life, let alone the hard decisions haha

52 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I feel for you because you don't have any answers and  you have all these postpartum issues.  I'm sorry!  I was pregnant one time.  Age 41, gave birth at 42.  Other than some bad constipation (sorry if TMI) no issues.  But I had a postpartum stroke despite having had no issues with stroke - I was tested for autoimmune (negative) and genetic aspects (related I guess -negative) - but I was told if I got pregnant again I'd be very high risk and have to inject blood thinners (the stroke -full recovery very fast thank goodness and yes my teeth got really bad after pregnancy!) 

We agreed I shouldn't get pregnant again given the risks.  Before my late 30s I alway assumed I'd have two kids but when I got pregnant (naturally) I assumed we'd be one and done.  Thrilled to have one child (he is 12 now!).  We didn't really want to adopt or do surrogacy.  Would you consider surrogacy? 

I think this is such a personal decision.  I don't think I'd go through a pregnancy with your issues (particularly since I didn't with mine).  All the best to you and your family.

@Batya33 I have briefly looked into surrogacy, but with it also being pretty expensive, it has put us off as well. My husband feels as though he doesn't know if he could connect with a surrogate or adopted child. I even thought about the type of surrogacy where they use my egg, his sperm....however I believe I'd be putting my body through the ringer doing the hormone injections for that too. 

I agree, this is all a very personal decision....I do best hearing from others and my anxiety leads me down paths of lots of questions and research. Sometimes I wonder if my anxiety went away, maybe half my problems would...haha. Thank you for your input/story as well,  I truly appreciate it. 

48 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Fortunately, I was in 'spring chicken' mode with both pregnancies and my sons were born healthy.

Before my first pregnancy, I had very bad chronic fatigue syndrome for many years, experienced bad dizzy spells, fainted inside my office building's stairwell and it was very difficult for me to keep up with the rest of the world. 

I had a bit of nausea during my first trimesters with both pregnancies but never vomited.  Other than a few food aversions and drowsiness, both pregnancies were normal.  First son weighed 7 lbs 9 oz and second son weighed 8 lbs 11 oz.

Oddly enough, my chronic fatigue syndrome was actually cured after I became a mother and I don't tire easily anymore.   

I hope your new OB can give you insight.  I hope your second pregnancy will be a much more positive experience than your first pregnancy if you and your husband decide to have a second baby. 

What really helped me was to make drastic changes to my lifestyle regarding diet, exercise and daily habits.  Many of my previous symptoms disappeared once I began to seriously and diligently alter my lifestyle.  My skin is clear, I have more energy, don't fatigue as easily, I'm no longer lightheaded and my insomnia is no more. 

 

@Cherylynthat's very interesting regarding the improvement of your chronic fatigue syndrome! Honestly, both my parents and my in laws have tried telling me multiple times that another pregnancy may reverse my symptoms/ make me better, but I've always taken that with "a grain of salt", as they say. I've been doing a lot of reading/researching on things such as gut health that seems to impact the whole body. I see way more research being drawn to this area recently...if only I could get my gut to tolerate the foods it needs!! Anyways, thank you for sharing your story!

41 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

It seems to me like you may have an autoimmune disorder that is exacerbated by pregnancy such as lupus or MS. I'm presuming your doctor has tested you for these, however.

I too became very ill while pregnant. I nearly died early in my third pregnancy. I had to stop trying to have children because it literally would have killed me.

P!ease discuss your concerns with your doctor, preferably with your husband present.

@boltnrun you are correct, I've had multiple doctors look for autoimmune disorders, but have come up negative to every test they've done. Such a frustrating process. Thank you for sharing your experience and I'll definitely be having further conversations. 

39 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

If you have had very serious illnesses since pregnancy and have major major anxiety over it, I would not have another child. If your husband is not interested in adoption please please please don’t push this. We tried adoption and my husband said no a week before the adoption was complete. It almost ended our marriage. 
 

I was physically only ever able to have one child. I had four miscarriages after him. My husband also has zero interest in adoption. 
 

While my son hated being an only child as a child he is now perfectly fine with it at the age of 24. 

@Seraphim  thank you so much for sharing a piece of your story. I appreciate your input!

Hi! I wrote a previous post regarding having a 2nd child & am looking for feedback from anyone who dealt with issues during and/or after pregnancies. One of my main concerns having a 2nd child is honestly I'm scared of health issues that crop up.  I've had anxiety my whole life, so it doesn't help. However, at 28yrs old, my first baby came 6 wks early (I'm now 31).  No major complications thankfully. During pregnancy, lots of nausea/vomiting first 4 months, developed severe acne that EXPLODED after giving birth. HUGE cystic, painful pimples. I was so embarrassed. I'm talking horn like protrusions all over chin, forehead, back, neck, nose, in my eyebrows, hairline etc. I finally had treatment that took a good 6+ months to clear things up.

Also, IBS came back with a vengeance (previously recovered from IBS for 5 yrs). Couldn't hardly eat, was so sick especially in the evenings. SEVERE abdominal cramping&everything that comes with it. Lost 30lbs in 3 months; doctors were concerned about malnourishment (weighed 95lbs at lowest; I'm 5ft tall). Took a full year to calm my gut down and figure out the safest foods.

The scariest part for me, I developed what docs think is a mast cell disorder. Basically my mast cells (part of immune system) are "twitchy" and overreact, causing random allergic reactions. Mine is considered idiopathic, as they could never find a cause and there's no rhyme or reason sometimes for the reactions.  I have been decently controlled now on meds for the last year and I'm very careful with my diet as they believe when I have abdominal cramping, it sets off my mast cells in my gut to cause a reaction. Its a hard thing to explain and not many people know much about the disorder. It landed me an ambulance ride for anaphylaxis once (early 2019)...I swear I have PTSD regarding that event, its very difficult for me. 

Another issue, my eyes. Vision worsened along with them diagnosing a disorder that effects my corneas.  I had a procedure done in one eye, luckily other eye is stable.  My "bad" eye has never been the same and they really haven't been able to find corrective prescription for it so it's blurry always. They claim pregnancy doesn't CAUSE this disorder, however it can progress it.

Other notable health changes:  Teeth. Ended up with many cavities, 2 broken teeth that needed crowns. I was found to have vitamin D deficiency so now supplement for that. Developed vestibular disorder (1.5 yrs postpartum) where I struggled with daily, debilitating dizziness. Luckily, PT has helped with this so I just have a few bad days a month now. I have GERD that I have to stay on meds for. And last thing I'll note would just be the all around stiff/achy joints I've had since giving birth.  When I wake in the mornings, my hands/knuckles are always swollen/achy for the first hr of the day.  My hips&knees are stiff and pop/crack a lot...does that really happen already at this age?

Honestly, I know this looks like a lot of rambling (feels like it too), but I guess I'm looking for other experiences surrounding pregnancy.  Can one pregnancy really cause all these issues? Am I doomed if I try to go through another pregnancy? I feel like this is just so much to have going on at my age. We're really leaning towards wanting to add one more to our family, but I guess I'm looking for other experiences? It seems so unfair that I know SO MANY people (some with pre-existing conditions) who've had multiple pregnancies and they walk away with no further issues.....I hope I'm making some sort of sense with what I'm trying to get at. Anyone have health conditions that were stable after pregnancies? I do have an appointment (month away) to discuss these concerns with a new OB, but sometimes its more helpful to hear from real world experiences too. 

Thank you in advance from a very anxious person trying to make sense of the world!

P.s....I've suggested adoption to my husband, however its very pricey and my husband isn't interested. He's worried about my health issues as well. I practice regular yoga, daily walks, etc to try and take care of myself mentally/physically.