lgirl

hahaha, newby, i think Blue Boy was being sarcastic!!

 

i hope the memories disappear altogether - it's like remembering a terrible accident. anyone know where i can get a lobotomy? ho ho (hollow laugh)

blue boy - that's the whole point - you can't know whether yr ex gets the karma she's due - unless you hear from someone about her. the point is it happens over time - events unfold over the period of a lifetime with some people. what's that old chinese saying? something along the lines of, "if you wait at the foot of the river long enough, you will see the bodies of yr enemies float by..."

 

hope this definition helps - karma: "for every event that occurs, there will follow another event whose existence was caused by the first, and this second event will be pleasant or unpleasant according as its cause was skillful or unskillful.' A skillful event is one that is not accompanied by craving, resistance or delusions; an unskillful event is one that is accompanied by any one of those things. (Events are not skillful in themselves, but are so called only in virtue of the mental events that occur with them.)

 

thereforeeee, the law of Karma teaches that responsibility for unskillful actions is born by the person who commits them.

 

Let's take an example of a sequence of events. An unpleasant sensation occurs. A thought arises that the source of the unpleasantness was a person. (This thought is a delusion; any decisions based upon it will thereforeeee be unskillful.) A thought arises that some past sensations of unpleasantness issued from this same person. (This thought is a further delusion.) This is followed by a willful decision to speak words that will produce an unpleasant sensation in that which is perceived as a person. (This decision is an act of hostility. Of all the events described so far, only this is called a karma.)

 

Words are carefully chosen in the hopes that when heard they will cause pain. The words are pronounced aloud. (This is the execution of the decision to be hostile. It may also be classed as a kind of karma, although technically it is an after-karma.) There is a visual sensation of a furrowed brow and downturned mouth. The thought arises that the other person's face is frowning. The thought arises that the other person's feelings were hurt. There is a fleeting joyful feeling of success in knowing that one has scored a damaging verbal blow.

 

Eventually (perhaps much later) there is an unpleasant sensation of regret, perhaps taking the form of a sensation of fear that the perceived enemy may retaliate, or perhaps taking the form of remorse on having acted impetuously, like an immature child, and hoping that no one will remember this childish action. (This regret or fear is the unpleasant ripening of the karma, the unskillful decision to inflict pain through words.)"

 

am rather pinning my hopes on it...

hey newby,

 

dont want to become bitter and twisted over all this but the anger is soul destroying.

welcome to my world!! hahahaha. look at this way, it would be FAR worse if you didn't feel angry. take (SMALL) comfort from the fact what you are feeling is entirely NATURAL, so try and just go with it. any chance you can go swimming, or do some activity to physically tire yourself out? i find that helps a LOT with the anger. failing that, you coud try beating pillows/cushions, but that always feels a bit too wimpy for me...

 

oh, read this from yr previous thread -

I have also cemented a very good friendship over the past while and that person has given me food for thought and very wise counsel.

care to share?

 

it kills me our exes aren't going thru any of this!!! it's not right that we should suffer for their shortcomings (grrrr). guess the only consolation is they've got plenty of bad karma to look forward to...

octopus, that's EXACTLY how i feel and i'm getting really fed up with myself. just yesterday i had the most searing recollection of my ex telling me how he'd 'lost' his feelings for me and didn't know how to get them back(!). he actually asked me how he could get them back (like i'm a monster or something), can you believe it? and here i am 8 months on still trying to get over all his bs. even remembering that and seeing how things prob weren't going to work out with him (oh the 'benefit' of hindsight!!!) isn't enough, doesn't affect my thinking; i still haven't put him behind me and i feel so stupid b/c of it! i don't get it! and worse, thinking he's so over me - he must be if he lost his feelings, right? GAAHH!! how do you get out of the loop?

12 months ago? if i could turn back the clock, i would have finished things with my ex - no doubt about it!! i wish i coud travel back in time b/c i never would have got involved with him. it wasn't worth it for the pain it's caused me. (oh, blue boy i am assuming you mean turn back time with the benefit of hindsight? otherwise, like newby i prob would have plodded on, unaware of what was to come... SIGH).

 

newby, you sound in better spirits - what's your secret? you seem to be progressing at a rate of knots considering it's all relatively 'new'! you're making me feel bad that i'm still struggling...

 

think we've lost warmastoast, gang!!

hey Warmastoast99999, don't apologise for joining in! no need to feel like you're intruding, please!

 

Hosted xmas dinner for 350 people on dec 21st - she dumped me 20 mins before...(oh, I had to make a speech in pieces!)

well done you!! that must have been so hard, but you did it!!

 

from reading your post it sounds like yr gf obviously has problems and you both seem caught up in a power struggle or something - how come she serially dumps you? how come you LET her??? i just want to point out here that love isn't about insecurity, hurting others, being unreliable, being selfish... i could go on, haha. all the ways it sounds like she's treating you. how can she be the love of your life if she treats you this way?

 

please do NOT bother going to Paris to see her. i think you should use reverse psychology - how about her coming to you for once? she knows where you are, let her find you - IF you really are determined to seeher again. i think you should call her 'bluff' and accept you've broken up (hard as that is). don't contact her. try the NC thing again and don't reply to her texts. give her the chance to see the consequences of her behaviour - a life without you. try and stick to it for your own pride, okay? if she really loves you so much, she won't let you get away.

 

her behaviour is very strange for a buddhist - is she genuine about it or just posing? as i said to you in my PM, she's behaving as though she has no understanding of karma - a cornerstone of buddhist faith.

 

am telling myself 'one last chance...maybe it will be different'

i think you know the answer to that! it hasn't been so far, so why should it be different now? also, i'm sorry but someone who can dump you on xmas day, right before an important function doesn't sound like someone who has the ability to commit to changing for the better.

her dumping is alwasy at a 'worst time' - like when ive got my kids, or xmas, etc

she sounds far too self-absorbed to be concerned about your feelings. sounds like she uses you out of convenience... and has personal problems she really needs to sort out.

 

I havent quite been 'abandoned' in the same way as you guys, but definitely abandoned...

are you sure about that? hahaha. no, you've just been abadoned repeatedly!

 

if you feel like you know what will happen if you go back, why bother? maybe you haven't been hurt enough, is that it? do you want to be hurt even more? are you sure it's not b/c of other reasons (low self-esteem, loneliness etc) that you want to get back with her. what does she represent to you? consider that and then look at her qualities as a person. is she who you really want? or are you just attracted to the drama of it all?

 

just a few things to think about. oh, how do you stay away? by realisisng that she's disrespecting you and that you must summon up a smidgen of pride to ignore her b/c otherwise you are sending her the signal that a) you're not much of a man and b) she can sh** all over you as she pleases.

 

will that do? good luck and keep us posted!!

Hi Violet,

 

that was very helpful - i guess that makes me a passive avoider!! the 'funny' thing is i knew i had commitment issues before i got involved with my ex - finally figured out that i was actively choosing to have affairs, casual involvements to avoid getting into a serious r/shp, mainly b/c i don't trust them to work out or last. had witnessed so many people's r/shps ending (my parenst included after 17 years together) and all the crap they went thru put me off; i thought at the time that being in a r/shp was almost a foolhardy thing to do b/c you stand to lose so much at the end, when it inevitably ends. so i thought why go thru all that and developed an attitude that having a r/shp is just a bonus in life but not necessary to a happy life. was like that for years until i met my ex...

 

we even both spoke (tho' not in a serious way) about our fear of being involved in a r/shp and why we'd both avoided it up to that point, when we first met and were talking purely as friends. flash-forward 6 months to when i met him again and all that seemed to be forgotten on his side - he made a big play for me, and in true 'active avoider' style went all out for me, powerful emotions are an understatement!!

 

i even thought at the time that perhaps i was still a commitmentphobe as our r/shp was long-distance (suited me more than him, i felt back then - according to him, he just wanted to "bring [me] back home", marry me, have kids - before we'd even got around to living together!! needless to say, we never did). i felt like i couldn't match his pace to begin with, felt guilty i wasn't so crazily in love the way he seemed to be, was wary about expressing my feelings. but he swept all that away and was so consistently loving and full of such strong emotions about me, i started to trust him, to think it was okay, to think perhaps i was going to learn to open my heart more, to trust more thru my r/shp with him. (b/c i recognised that i needed to, couldn't go my whole life not trusting. what a mistake!!)

 

that's why it has been so devastating (apart from the callous way he treated me at the end) - b/c i finally felt like i was beginning to trust, to grow - a 'novelty' for me. my bitter experience has only confirmed my worst fears about commitment; that i was wrong to trust him and i don't know how to get over the damage done to me.

 

what you have detailed shows me that perhaps i wasn't the only one with commitment issues in the r/shp it is very confusing/hard even now to apply all of that to him and think that's what it was all along, that's why he smashed the r/shp to pieces. is that why he never got a proper job, got the permanent position that was supposed to get him on the rung of his chosen career ladder (he has no track record employment-wise; he's 33 and has never had a permanent job)? that's what tore us apart in the end - i couldn't take waiting any longer for our life together to start (i'd waited 18months by that point); all my support and encouragement (and boy did he need a lot) for him to get some work became a pressure for him (but then how else was he going to move out of his mother's and get his own place? how were we going to have a life together if he couldn't take the first step?).

 

but what i don't get is why did he want to get married, talk about having kids - he was so SERIOUS about it all, told me he couldn't wait etc. why talk about that kind of stuff - wanting to make me his wife, his life if he was an active avoider? (i wasn't even the marrying kind before i met him!!)

 

but i guess that's the dynamic - a passive avoider must get involved with an active avoider in order for the two to preserve their fear of commitment (in the same way a victim chooses the bully). is that right? i see now that he and i did share the same fear and that's so SAD, not least b/c he destroyed our r/shp in the most incredibly destructive way, but b/c for a while what we had was so special; i really thought he was for real... guess i need to think some more about this b/c i thought the main reason our r/shp failed was because he's textbook passive-aggressive - classic signs are inefficiency and procrastination (and a whole lot more!!), which explained his lack of employment... it's very confusing!!

 

well, as you can see from my long reply, you've definitely given me some food for thought Violet... thanks again.

hey blue boy,

 

yes there is such a thing as 'unconditional love' - though most people only ever experience it with their families or if they have children. as i understand it, unconditional love is loving the person as they are, for who they are, which means not wanting (or asking them) to change any aspect about themselves; loving them in spite of their 'faults'; wanting the best for them at all times...

 

You can get a sex change in Bangkok for £1500. I'm seriously considering it.

leaving aside the fact that god knows how you'd end up looking for just £1500, you are JOKING, right??? (what makes you think your life would be any better as a woman?)...

hey blue boy,

 

incredibly enough - that was one of her reasons for leaving me - bit galling to say the least !

what did you mean by that? i think your love for yr ex was conditional (as i think i said before) b/c it depended on her getting better. obviously, conditional love is never going to work out.

 

it took me a while to realise my love for my ex was conditional - ie the success of our r/shp depended on him getting a job, so he could earn some money and get his own place. from there, we were going to advance our plans for a life together... you can guess the rest

 

just thought: guess that means they didn't love us unconditionally either (SIGH)...

hey Violet - THANKS so much for that!! do you know if that book is also available in the UK? i think it's really interesting you mentioned it's the abandonment that triggers such an intense reaction. the shock i felt was overwhelming b/c my ex bore NO relation to the person i 'thought' i knew and it happened so suddenly, which just compounded matters

 

so how has it helped you reading the book (if it has)? what has helped you to let go (no matter how little)? anything you can tell me (us) would be really helpful PS it is REALLY helpful to rtead that my reaction to it has been entirely appropriate - i was starting to feel like i'm somehow 'at fault' for not getting over it sooner, especially as so many people post here about how healed they are after a coupla months of NC!!

i HOPE so, but don't put any bets on it! i can't see me finding anything funny about the nightmare i've been thru...

 

but thanks for saying i will!

hey blue boy,

 

you're right - they can't be allowed to win!! (got any ideas how we stop that happening? gak!). newby's right - you sound stronger - all the better to come out fighting!! good for you!!! def think yr ex's 'friend' has her own agenda, which looks all too transparent... AVOID any contact with this woman, as she is looking to make trouble for you!! no wonder you're boiling over with anger at her meddling. it's great you're taking action instead of just taking it - way to go B-B!!

 

hey you guys, did i pass my rage on to you? hahaha. i can't seem to find it within myself today - so i'm wondering how much longer you're going to using it b/c i might need it back? (feeble joke. did ya smile at least?)

hi Newby!!

 

that was very sweet of you to be listening to the news, hoping i wouldn't face a strike on NYE. how are you feeling today? i didn't sleep at all well last night - even though i was really tired, i ended up with my ex on my brain, a bank of thought i couldn't even decipher, just kept 'seeing' him before me... don't even know why b/c i've been over all of it 10,000 times and more (sigh). times like that i start wondering is it b/c actually he's thinking about me and i'm picking it up, telepathically? (we used to share a strong psychic link), aarrgghh!! don't know if you've experienced the insomnia thing yet (be warned, you may very well do!)...

 

wish i could get out of this loop - currently my rage has dissipated and i'm back to missing 'him' (gah). this grief has so many different shades. i haven't really allowed kmyself to grieve over the good times (and we had MANY - far outweighed the 'bad') b/c they have all been tarnished by his betrayal and previously if i recalled a happy time it would immediately lead me to the ensuing nightmare that followed, so i don't think about them. couldn't help lying there last night, feeling sad that he threw all that away. threw me away in a fit of anger. i can't believe he won't kick himself for letting that happen, but i'll NEVER know...

 

anyhoo, back to YOU!! well done you for writing to his mistress (i can't believe how badly he's treating you - a total jerk!! is he having some kind of mid-life crisis? though that's still no excuse). did you feel like you had more control over the situation after that (like you are stronger, more empowered)? GOOD for you!!

 

listen, don't feel down on yourself b/c you haven't embraced the new year full of joy - who would in your position? you are doing VERY well, given all the sh** that BASTARD (yaaayy! no asterisks!!) is putting you through. it is totally UNDERSTANDABLE that you should feel upset, so don't be hard on yourself. it will come and go. i do know how you feel - i was so determined to get over it, in a way have been rushing to get past this darkness - can't stand the thought that after 8 months i'm still so screwed up over it! - but i'm learning you can't rush these things... (double sigh).

 

I also got carried away and was in a total rage and sent him some horrible texts. I also told him to stay away from our house and me. He was supposed to be coming on Thursday to sort stuff out but I told him to shove it. I feel today things have changed. The hollow numbness has gone and has been relaced by cold fury.

well, at least you're not feeling numb anymore!! i was deadly numb for the first 2 months; took almost 5-6 months before my anger surfaced; 7 months before i got my appetite back (couldn't eat for most of april and may; didn't even want to take care of myself)... anyhoooo, i'm SO pleased you told him where to shove it!! that's the spirit, girl!! fight back.

 

your husband is on such a predictable path, but he has freed you up for something (and someone) so much better. that's the only way you can look at it. he is the loser in all this. and he will realise that too late.

 

just take it a day at a time and don't neglect yourself (eat regularly etc). post here or PM me and let me know how you're doing.

 

ooooh, i better get back to work!! hahaha

i hope so, but i don't see it myself - i feel this experience has knocked something out of me for good i need the company of a loving partner now to distract me, help me move on, but i feel too messed up to be on that level with a guy now. and i can't stand the thought it's all going to take TIME (I hate that word!!) before i could even consider it. it's not worth it as far as i can see - sure, you have some good times, but they don't last. so what's the point? i'm not prepared to go through all that again and now i feel like i won't ever trust a man's love again...

hey you two - 'happy' new year! my NY's Eve turned out better than i anticipated - the tube was running and i went round to a friend's and a coupla people dropped by, which was a good distraction WHILE it lasted. got home at 4.30am and couldn't avoid thinking that it was the countdown to NY in New York (5hrs time diff), so fell to thinking about my ex and all i can say is i have been in a pretty bad place since - spent yesterday in tears and feeling SO messed up and low about him, about everything. part of me actually wanting him back, but knowing the REALITY is that he betrayed me and i can't get over that - keep playing it over in my mind, how it must have happened. it's like a torture and worse knowing that i'm doing it to myself, but i can't shut the images out very bleak and not even a hint of enthusiasm for the new year, fresh start and all that... i feel like i'm serving some kind of prison sentence for something i didn't do!!

 

so Newby, it IS one step forwards, 3 steps back unfortunately!! i feel like i haven't moved on at all. i am so tired of feeling like this, but i can't see a way forwards. i still feel like roadkill (melodramatic as that sounds!) and i can't get over how one individual could cause me so much pain.

 

anyhoo, i guess you can see where all this is going! it's the maelstrom of emotions that is so wearing. i've done the crying, the missing, the raging, the analysing (sometimes all in one day!! GAK!), time over, but it's the grief (the grieving) that seems all-enduring...

 

how are you both holding up today? surely one of us has got to be feeling on more of an even keel? newby, how are you feeling now? i guess having to sort the practicalities out is a minor distraction? i know exactly how awful it is to wake up every morning and the first thing that comes into yr head is all his BS. i used to dread waking up and going to bed, when all the images of his betrayal would replay in my head. i truly began to despair at one point, felt it was making me ill, couldn't undertsand why my subconscious would keep replaying things that upset me, like a 1000 knives in my heart. the 'good' news is that it's no longer every morning now, mostly just at night. so hang on in there!!

 

blue boy, have you managed to get some rest to make up for that hideous 5am start? are you feeling love or rage right now? hey, don't apologise for 'ranting'. feel free, okay? and listen, she is not necessarily having a great time - it's natural you should feel that way, but it is more to do with yr frame of mind than being a fact. also, you did not lose her - she was lost to you already b/c of the magnitude of her problems. you never 'had' her in the first place (as her cheating on you proved). i think if you can see that your love for her was actually conditional (ie she has to get better), then you might see that it was never going to work. true love is unconditional... just a thought.

hi blue boy, hahahahaha, don't feel left out!!

 

Sometimes I think maybe logging on here is prolonging the damage but I feel the strength I get from it outweighs any negative impact.

 

i was just 'saying' the same thing to newby! altho' reading the posts on this site has been helpful, i think it does churn it all up again as you try to apply what you've read to your situation.

 

I know people say emotions follow a pre-defined set of stages after a break-up but I have found they all swirl around you at the same time.

what kills me is how you can go from feeling you've turned a corner (at last!!), only to be plunged back down into darkness again. it really feels like one step forwards, three steps back most of the time. currently, i have been hating my ex and missing 'him' (the person i thought i knew and loved) both at the same time. i want to beat him senseless, but at the same time have him call me to apologise (beg to get me back? how i would love that and for me to turn him down...). upset myself wondering why i could miss someone who treated me so badly. why can't i just drop it? ad infinitum...

 

I am concerned though as this has damaged me mentally and I feel as though I am going off the rails a bit.

hang on in there blue boy! i know what you mean, though. i feel very damaged by my experience (and angry that i feel so damaged). i realsie i have been in quite a deep depression since it all happened and apart from the odd moment,maybe a few hours at a time when i feel i'm getting 'better', i can only see the damage it's done.

 

anyhooooo, i'm glad you read my attempts to redress some of that pain "with relish", hahaha. you're right, i am FURIOUS!!!

I am STILL forgiving this loser.

you need to ask yourself why - is it b/c you still haven't accepted that she's responsible for the appalling way she's treated you? that she CHOSE to do what she did? do you feel you somehow deserve that kind of treatment? following your 'logic', do you never respond when someone does something to hurt or anger you? is it in your nature to turn the other cheek? i am just asking so i can understand.

 

you might find you reach a place where the full impact of what she did to you hits home and the anger you feel will motivate you to right some of those wrongs. you might not feel so forgiving when it really hits you how she disrespected you and made a fool of you. right now you're still in shock. apart from the letter that i sent roughly one month after his devastating admission, the other stuff i was recounting in my previous post is stuff i've only just done in the last coupla months...

 

well, you sound like yr NY's Eve is all sorted. are you in the UK at the mo'? the temperature has dropped big time here in london today - stinging sleet (not quite hail stones) walking into work this a.m. (what a mug, right?).

 

maybe this time next year we will all be blissfully happy.

i second that emotion!! one thing i do know is that this is the LAST NY's i will ever feel this low or be thinking about him. my ex is the first man to ever hurt me this badly - and he will be the last. i'm never going thru any of this sh** again!!

 

here's to a fresh start

hi newby, good to hear back from you. you really sound in a 'good' place considering - i guess having kids helps you to focus on getting thru it (for their sakes etc)? like blue boy, i am beginning to wonder if coming on to this forum is stopping me from moving on. it can become addictive and altho' i balance that with all the good things i've read on it, it reminds me of why i first started coming here - i'd never have known about it had i not been in such a DESPERATE state of mind and that's all b/c of my sh** of an ex. GAH!!!

 

People keep asking me if I am angry yet, and when I say no I just feel dead inside and so very very sad, they then say oooh it will come and then he will have to watch out.

i felt like that for the longest time. even when i wrote him my angry letter i couldn't FEEL that anger, ya know? didn't understand what people were talking about, i just felt like i'd been run over...but the RAGE i have felt since and that still bubbles up when i think of the things he said and did - oh boy!!!!! the Terminator's got nothing on me!! haha. unfortunately, i have had to 'make do' with writing to him b/c it was a long-distance r/shp - if i lived in the same country i could've seen him (and punched his lights out) and got closure. a lot of my suffering has been down to feeling i didn't defend mysellf at the time and that i am too far way to get justice... oh, remember also that rage/anger is just a manifestation of yr inner pain. anger kept inside = depression.

 

no plans for the NY and hadn't even thought to go back to the hotel... feel very down about it; my phone isn't exactly ringing off the hook with invitations and to top it all i've got killer PMS!!! this year of all years i want to be out, doing SOMETHING. don't want to be stuck indoors, sat on the sofa gradually getting suicidal it doesn't help they're planning a major tube (subway) strike in london for then either... [side note: i share with my sis, but she is too flakey and has a habit of pulling out of plans at the last minute. she has already intimated that she'll prob just stay in...] so i am on my own with nothing to do except wonder what he'll be up to...worst possible scenario, aaargghh!!

 

hey, well done for sending your husband that letter. you were NOT wrong to send it (are you crazy after what he's done to you?)!! i also hope my ex read my letter (it was long!) - and that it actually arrived (via airmail). sending it redressed the balance a little and the key thing is you took back some of the control, which is why it gave you a sense of satisfaction. that's the way to go girl!!

 

sometimes you just have to fight fire with fire

 

PS if you want any tips about Rome, let me know. oh just a general note, avoid taking holidays in italy in august as that's when the italians go on holiday, so everything is shut

thanks newts. Wimpy's situation is very similar to mine, right down to me feeling he was my "one true love" (what a joke!!), that i'd finally found a man i wanted to marry. so the fall (and the fact he betrayed me) has hit me VERY hard and i'm not out of the bushes yet... i wish i didn't feel so messed up - he did such a job on me i can't imagine ever wanting to be with someone again

 

anyhoo, thanks for your words.

 

Wimpy, it was good to read your post. i really related to it. i don't understand how/why they suddenly turn so cold and cruel. it's just so unnecessary...

she only waited 3 days before she slept with a guy after breaking up with you? sounds like she couldn't have cared that deeply about you - why the rush to get with someone else - so QUICKLY? personally, i think she disrespected your r/shp by doing that (and disrespected the love you have for her) and it WAS cheating on you - the dust had barely settled before she got with someone else. dump her - i don't think you can get back the trust you had. it was bad enough she slept with that guy once. okay, that you could put down to being a mistake. but 3 times??? that's not on. no wonder you feel so sick!! what happens if you have problems in the future - is she going to just run off with the next (nearest) guy? can you live fearing she might do that to you again? at the very least you need to take some time out and think about what you YOU want to do and how you DESERVE to be treated.

riorosie, let me get this straight, your husband not only has casual sex, he rubs yr face in it too? he is a total b****** for treating you the way he has. i hate to say it, but there is no working on yr marriage to save it. i know it's hard and you feel you still love him, but are you happy loving someone who clearly doesn't love you and, by the sounds of it, doesn't even respect you?

 

are you sure it's not b/c you feel dependent on him, feel it's better the devil you know, are too you're scared to leave? is it really love that's keeping you there? as someone who's parents divorced, i can also testify that it's better for parents to split up when the marriage deteriorates than try and work it out for the kids. you also need to provide them with a good female role model - they're not blind. they can see you're unhappy, that your "beaten down" - what kind of messg is that sending?

 

also, the fact that he asked you about sleeping with her once a month tells me that he was just paying lip-service - he has every intention of seeing her whenever HE wants, he just wants you to agree to the "once" a month so he can get away with more. what an AH!!

 

I guess that it hurts me to think that if I leave him that this Bar Fly will be in my home, reaping the benefits.

she WON'T reap the benefits, so don't be scared of that. your husband is a fool and out of his depth with the Bar Fly. she is looking to screw him over first chance she gets - goes with the territory. plus she'll only stick around while he can flash the cash and that won't be for long if you take him to the cleaner's - no less than he deserves!!! saying that is not going to make your pain disappear, but it might help you to remember she only sleeps with him FOR MONEY/a room NOT b/c she's in love with him or thinks he's a wonderful guy. she prob despises him like all the other johns - another sad sack who needs servicing!! this is not a love match for her and IF she ever moved in she's going to rinse him good and proper: he won't know what's hit him, haha. he is no match for a woman whose survival depends on her sleeping with men for $$s.

 

you might feel like you're whole world is falling apart right now, but you are the 'winner' in all of this. once you gather yr strength and make the right decisions for YOU and move on with your life, he's going to be left feeling very sorry - and poor and very, very lonely. he will be the one with regrets - look how he's missing out with his kids already. right now, you're feeling depresses, but you will get angry (you must allow yourself to) and then you can figure out how you're going to make him pay!!

 

in the meantime, please do NOT sleep with him, NO MATTER what he says - you have to anticipate he will want to protect his 'earnings' and will prob say anything to convince you. be prepared for the full act. don't fall for it. if he had one ounce of love for you he couldn't treat you this way. i'm so sorry that's not the case, but you deserve better than that creep.

Yes, keep looking. Consider the dead-end dates as practice for when you find the real love of your life.

 

as long as you're upfront with these other girls that you're not looking for anything serious. i'm sure they wouldn't be too happy to know they're just rebounds for you while you wait for your ex to come back... i wouldn't want some guy "practising" on me while he waits for the love of his life. that's just messing people around...

Newts - well good for you that you feel so good!!

 

things look grim at the start of a breakup, if you can stay positive and start doing positive things for yourself and MOVE on, things can only get better. There is no better thing than improving yourself.

 

i wish i could say the same. i think it's a great theory, but it hasn't worked for me. it's been 8 months since my ex took a sledgehammer to our r/shp and i still think about him or some aspect of our r/shp every single day (still trying to figure out what happened and why). yes, i have learned things about myself, but at the expense of suffering a LOT of pain. so in my mind it hasn't been worth it. things haven't got much better for me and it's killing me that any improvements to my life will take time - and i need the benefits NOW. it has also destroyed any hopes i had for my future and has wiped my faith in r/shps - i'm not willing to ever go thru any of that again, so i can't even console myself thinking that a new and better love is waiting for me out there. i don't feel i can trust anyone anymore. i wish i knew how to 'move on', but it's just not happening for me...

 

sorry to sound so negative, but that's my reality. i wish i'd never met him, i wish i wasn't here, but there's no turning the clock back and i feel like i'm serving some awful prison sentence for something i didn't do!!

 

curlyl1] - i know exactly how you feel!!

skerr, i am SO sorry to hear your husband has treated you so badly. your feelings are bound to be all over the place right now, but it is VITAL that you put your feelings ahead of your husband's here. if you feel you might not be able to cope with the aftermath of his awful betrayal, then take the time to examine your feelings and if you can't forgive him, then don't. that's his loss. that's the risk he took when he got with that child and he obviously thought taking the risk was worth it. he didn't think about the repercussions to his professional reputation or to his marriage. he only thought about himself. so that's what you have to do now. he wants his cake and eat it. what are you, his mother? time to give him a dose of reality i think.

 

 

The problem at this point is that although he claims that he loves me and wants it to work out he also wants to be able to be friends with her. He says that he just likes to know how his former students are doing and he doesn't understand why it isn't okay to have the same teacher/student relationship with her that he has with so many of his other former students.

 

your husband appears to have no regard for your feelings - he is being incredibly disingenuous here: it stopped being a teacher/student r/shp as soon as he gave her his cell number, never mind had oral sex(!!) and he knows that. he is trying to take advantage of your good will. if he still loves her and he still wants to be in touch with her, then let him - after you've kicked him out of the house!!!! ("trying to lose those feelings" for her won't happen overnight and now that contact's supposed to be forbidden it will probably make her seem more attractive to him in a perverse way. what are you supposed to do while he's busy losing his feelings for ANOTHER woman?!).

 

forgiving a partner after fidelity is incredibly hard (i will NEVER forgive my ex for his one-off cheating episode). the key thing is here is to only deal with how you feel and what you find acceptable: do what is best for you (not him). it suits him for your marriage to continue - but does it suit you in all honesty? if he cannot cut contact with her, then you have no r/shp to work on (i hope you've spelled that out to him loud and clear; it is NON-NEGOTIABLE. if he is sincere about wanting to be with you, then he must comply willingly or leave).

 

personally, i think you should dump him. at the very least kick him out until you know where you stand and what YOU want. this has to be on YOUR terms now. if he won't do as you say, then you have your answer (painful as that is). i don't think a r/shp can work after an affair (otherwise it wouldn't have happened). the fact is: if he can cheat on you once and you take him back, what's to stop him doing it to you again? once a cheater, always a cheater...

thanks novaseeker,

 

that's very helpful. i know you're right - he would NEVER date her - but i don't feel i can get over his betrayal (STILL, after all these months). the 'joke' is, it wasn't even a 'proper' rebound, so i shouldn't even call it that. also she was never a rival to me, as it was not a love or even lust match (on his part) betw them, so i don't understand why i am still so fixated on it (and angry). i can't get over what he did to me; the irony is it's still messing with my head, whereas he's no doubt put it behind him already...

 

I think you're worrying way too much about his motivations here, probably because you find it insulting that he would choose to rebound with someone like that.

yes, i do!! and also very hurt that he will obviously go with anyone if they show him enough pity!! also that he let everyone else assume they were in a r/shp when that wasn't the case.

 

But you don't have to worry that much about it ... focus on you instead.

i don't understand why i still do. i feel extremely depressed when i hear talk of or think about "moving on"; i feel very hopeless about my future and in all honesty i just feel stuck, waiting for an apology that will never come with not much of a life to distract me and any new future for me i will have to create and that takes time. and in the meantime, i feel like i'm serving a prison sentence with a bit more hope dying off each day...

 

i'm sorry that sounds so negative - if someone else was telling me they felt like this, i'd give them some stern advice. i just can't see a way out/forwards.

hey liquidus,

 

He was upset, and wanted something to fill the hole that had been created by leaving you

i think that's the most likely scenario b/c he made all those disrespectful comments about her appearance and laughed at how "desperate" she is with such "low self-esteem", around the time he bought me a ring (a VERY big deal for him), so i can't imagine he would've lied in the first flush of love for me. he actually got with her before he ended it with me - he went AWOL for two days, stayed at hers, but lied to me. when i finally got hold of him, i was met with pure rage from him (no apology for going missing - he had never done anything like that before) and he turned everything around on me. a month later, when i got the 'truth' out of him, he told me it was "totally out of character" for him (even he was surprised!). told me he couldn't believe how long his anger had lasted, but also it was "a moment of madness"...

 

can someone be so upset that they'll take comfort from anyone, even someone they are not attracted to? this has really messed with my head - if he's found her attractive or had feelings for her, it wld've been easier to understand. but to go with someone who repulses him? how can she 'replace' me? and to start filling the "hole that was left by" me before we were over? it's been a total mindf***