lgirl

i've just been reading these posts and i have to ask guys, where is your pride? Yo, you are right to question where yr dignity is in calling someone who not only dumped you, but now has a new bf (who's she's engaged to – already!!). she has made her feelings quite clear, sorry to say, and you are wasting your time (and yourself) playing the waiting game! talking to you about her new bf is not a sign, as Rickster suggests, that she feels comfortable etc talking to you about him. it is gross insensitivity and disrespect of the worst kind – it wouldn't hurt you if it was okay for her to talk like that to you. where is her decency – does she think you have no feelings? she sounds very immature to be carrying on like that. also, any respect she did have for you will rapidly dwindle the more she sees you'll put up with her crap (b/c that's what it is!). losing your dignity and self-respect is TOO high a price to pay for trying to win someone back who's already moved on – without you (bitter fact).

i speak as someone who's exbf just flipped out one day and smashed the r/shp up into pieces leaving me totally poleaxed. even though i told him not to call me again (he said the same to me – teh!), some twisted part of me still wants some contact from him (an apology? closure?). but how can i call him after the inexcusable way he behaved? how desperate and lacking in self-respect would it look?

here's a poor analogy: if someone physically beat you up and smashed up your home, would you call them a month later to see how they were, what they were up to, how they were feeling? i don't think so...

it's the same thing.

thanks everyone, but i remain unconvinced about NC. i think it's just playing games – with yourself more often than not, especially as it can lead to false hope that he/she will miss you, think about you etc. obviously i agree there's no point calling them (especially if they've dumped you), but ceasing contact should be b/c the r/shp is over. i think too much store is put on NC on this forum – it's almost like some kind of AA holy grail the way it gets talked up. sorry folks!! the fact is you get dumped, you feel lousy beyond belief and you end up limping, feeling wretched, through the advancing months ("it takes time" is all you'll hear), trying to put it all behind you (if you're lucky)...

i guess it works for some people, and i take on board it can be a healing thing for some (so it's valid from that point of view - to protect yourself maybe...), certainly those that can think clearly after a shattering break-up or did the breaking up. the rest of us (dumpees) are stumbling around in shock in the bitter aftermath without a clue what to do, like "what happened?". i don't think it works for tortured souls like us... it doesn't get rid of the feelings does it?

PS renaissancewoman, sorry, but i think you'll have to consider kissing that money he owes you goodbye. i don't think he has any intention of paying you back now. also don't rely on NC to make him miss you. he's either going to or not and NC has nothing to do with it, i think. and frankly if he doesn't feel there's hope for a r/shp with you anymore, why are you sticking around? he's behaving like an idiot. are you really prepared to sit home and wait to see if he will come around?that's way too much power to be giving him.

also, what does that say about you that he can treat you this way and you're willing to let him? i do not mean that judgementally – i am having a HARD time dealing with the mindf**k my ex did on me and i am perplexed that i should have feelings or be thinking so frequently about a guy who s**t on me so badly, 6 months later. i do know how you feel.

thanks for those replies, guys! very helpful – just can't believe how long it's taking me to get over him... i agree with you ShySoul, i don't think NC 'works', especially as i feel it's been put on me rather than i chose it or made the decision myself to take time out...

HajiMaji , i really needed to read what you said about if he is blocking me out of his mind it's b/c he can't deal with it rather than i am unworthy. that makes me feel better. thank you! guess i've been stuck thinking where did all his love go?

and FCTex, i think we're the same! part of me feels like i have to have the contact and if it ends up hurting me more then maybe that will speed up my 'recovery', take the risk, although i have no idea what to say to him if i ever called. think i might be too scared, i dunno... sigh. (also as the 'wronged' party, i feel he owes me to make the first move...)

i HATE being this way!!!!

(ahem) well, thanks again, guys!!

thanks, but aside from that – are there any other benefits? i thought the idea (from what i've read on this forum) was apart from taking space for yrself to heal, the fact that you cease contact with them is supposed to spur them into thinking about you, give them the chance to really miss you and wonder what you're up to...? (it ain't happening for me). even being 3,500 miles apart with no contact hasn't helped a bit; i have thought about him one way or another every day for the last 6mths!! (it has got less, but it hasn't stopped)...

hi everyone,

really quick question: at the risk of sounding dim, what is the point of NC?

background info: i was in a ldr of 18mths and my ex broke up with me suddenly in april, in a very cold, cruel manner that left me poleaxed – he also cheated on me right at the end with the friend of his on-off gf, who he had previously told me 6mths earlier i'd laugh at if i ever saw her(!!). he also said that getting with her "should never have happened", it was a "mistake" b/c he felt he was so angry and felt like he was going under.

our last conversation (4hrs long in which he said he was going to put things right, put a smile back on my face and 'see about' being my bf again(!!), was at the beginning of may.

needless to say, he didn't put things right – seems like he didn't even try. we both ended up telling each other not to call again (both angry) in may, after which i sent him a letter expressing all my anger and hurt.

well, i haven't heard from him since and i haven't called him b/c i feel as the 'wronged' party he shld contact me (with an apology ideally). i am not looking to get back with him (not after what he did to me), i just want to hear from him... as you can see i'm still very confused!!!

so what's the deal with NC? i don't understand how or why i haven't heard from him in all this time, given he wanted to marry me and have kids with me and it was a full-on, serious relationship.

i also don't see how NC has helped me. i still feel almost as emotionally bruised and confused now as i did 6 months ago and at times crave that he wld contact me even though i can't imagine what he could ever say to put things right. guess i'm looking for closure... also all the distressing details of what happened & what he said keep bubbling up. feels like i'm going around in circles not getting anywhere.

any ideas anyone? what's up with that? i just don't get the NC thing at all.

PS thanks for reading this post!

read your questions again SeaDogg - you have answered your own questions...

i just wanted to ask anyone who has ever been dumped by a guy, how long was it before you heard from yr ex again (if you ever did!)? has anyone had the experience of a BITTER break-up, then their ex contacted them out of the blue some time later, after they thought they'd never hear from him again?

thanks for replying. guess it's obvious what's on my mind!

damn and damn again!! thought he wouldn't know…

hi everyone, just wanted to make it clear (though i guess it doesn't matter – except to me!) that i only called his cell when i knew it would be turned off, so that it wouldn't even ring and there'd be no log of my call… guess i feel hurt that this guy cheated on me, put me through hell and then he blocks me! has frozen me out when it should so be the other way around. he's behaving like the 'wronged party'. it really does bug me. adding yet another insult to all the injuries…

thanks for all your comments.

ok, this is very short. have just discovered my ex bf has blocked me as a sender on his hotmail account – but i've NEVER sent him any emails to that account (the last email i sent was over 2 months ago to an entirely different hotmail account he has, around the time of our split). WHY WOULD HE DO THAT? why is he blocking me even though i'm in NC with him, he trashed our relationship and hurt me so badly and we haven't spoken for 2 months now. shouldn't i be the one to block him? fact is, i haven't blocked him from my hotmail as it wouldn't even cross my mind to do that. i don't get it. why has he done that?

PS he also changed his cell number – but i haven't called him at all since we split up and if i really wanted to call him, he knows i could call his home tel or even his mother's tel, so why do that? (i have only ever called it on coupla occasions when i knew his cell would be OFF (so no record of my call even) – just to hear his voicemail (sad i know!), so as far as he knows i haven't called at all.

what's the deal with all that?

[sorry, this is a bit long folks!]

actually feel a bit pathetic asking for advice, but it's been almost 3 months since my ldr bf said he wanted to break-up totally out of the blue, then cheated on me (he said it was a "mistake" and "totally out of character" for him) while I was trying to deal with the shock, struggling to work out what I'd done so 'wrong' to be treated so badly by someone who had always been so devoted and loving. We had SO many plans for our (very committed) future together (marriage, babies, the works).

But to compound my misery, he kept me hanging on for over a month, told me he didn't want to lose me, that he loved me etc – even said the way to put things right would be to get me pregnant, then I'd "never get rid of" him, he said. But instead of straightening things out, like he said, he prolonged the hurt – said he'd call me and then not, messing me around when he'd always been so consistent. He turned out to be so different to who I thought he was. So gut-less and weak. Not the man i loved.

he turned so cold towards me, got so angry with me for the 'failure' of the relationship, blamed me for his failings. all he had to do was get a job. in the 18months we were together, he only managed to get crummy factory jobs – less than 3 months work in all that time. The money he did make (never more than $200/wk for often 12hr days) went on airfares to see me. but I only saw him 3 times last year (sometimes with 4-month gaps in between – he visited twice), so i don't see how he can make me the excuse for not establishing his career or making progress.

(I should add at this point that he's 33 and has the employment record of a high-school grad.) But according to him, he's got "nothing to show for all this time" he's been with me, he's "empty-handed and no further forward than 2 years ago", for which he blames me. (he owes about $3,000 apiece on his credit cards, which he relied on instead of finding work, even though i urged him right from the start to be cautious).

my problem is that even though I can say he was a total dog for the way he treated me, that I didn't deserve such bad behaviour, that even though I can see I'm better off without him in the long run, that he was pulling me down with the sheer weight of the emotional support he needed (all our plans depended on him securing work), and that he would've dragged me down even further; that we had no real future to speak of because he clearly can't hack it, I'm still thinking about him, I still miss 'him'. have written pages and pages of my 'journal', trying to get it all out of my system, figure out what went wrong and how, but feel no futher forward.

I'm in tears nearly every day, feel hopeless about my future, feel that my confidence has been knocked so badly it's on the floor. I'm depressed and can't seem to stop thinking about how he betrayed me; when I wake up, am assailed by memories of him or details about the break-up before I've even opened my eyes. Have even felt suicidal at times, so low about it all, so sad; have really taken his rejection to heart.

I feel so annoyed with myself for still feeling so hooked into 'him'. I want to move on, but I feel so stuck. It's like he has all the power (it was his decision to break-up, so he's in the driving seat, it feels like to me) and I've been left to pick up the pieces, clear up HIS mess, while he escapes censure or any repercussions for his despicable behaviour. Surely, what goes around comes around, he will face repercussions for his actions?

the only comfort I get is thinking how he'll come to regret what he did (in such haste and causing so much hurt that could've been avoided). Can't understand how you can love someone so deeply, then hurt them so badly and not even show remorse – haven't had a decent apology from him even. he WAS such a lovely, considerate, kind guy. But that kind of thinking just gets too negative…

so how do I put all this behind me once and for all and stop beating myself up about it? I know time is meant to be a great healer, but I need more immediate, tangible help. the grief has taken over my life and i think I've paid a high enough price now for all the good times I did have with him. I'm still paying by not being able to switch off from it. Don't know how to draw a line under the whole damaging experience. Think the fact it was a ldr has made sense of closure harder – wrote him a letter telling him like it is, but it's not the same as telling a person. It feels so passive.

What do I do now? I don't understand why I don't just spit on his memory and get on with my life, glad to be free of such a loser instead of wanting 'my boyfriend' back. How can I free myself from this toxic mess? stop hurting so much? I just want to feel better.

[PS thanks for sticking it out until the end and reading such a long post!]

sure looks like we're going through similar stuff Quing – i too am kicking myself for not ending the relationship on the two occasions i felt like it – would have spared myself all this heartache and his betrayal if i had.

there were so many times when i felt plain worn down by all his problems and the fact our plans for a future kept being delayed. just wanted him to bring me solutions not problems (as i told him towards the end), always some excuse why he wasn't moving forwards – all he had to do was get a job and move out of his mother's, so that we could start our life together. hardly an impossible dream!

also with the time difference (5hrs), i was permanently exhausted becuz we always had long conversations (2hrs on weekdays; 3-5 hrs Sat & Sun). basically the relationship was having an adverse effect on my health, so tired and stressed all the time after 18months of nothing changing.

sorry, Quing!! you can see how easy it is for me to start going on about it all! the thing is, i didn't fall in love with him the way he did with me – he didn't knock me off my feet – it was a slower process. obviously i was into him physically,and i came to love him very, very deeply (still do). i still noticed other guys (felt guilty about that), though i was so committed to him.

but i'm kicking myself i didn't take control of the situation and that i let someone wreak so much damage. guess i got hooked into the dream of our future together. sadly, he realised way before me that he could never sustain it; he hasn't got what it takes.

i don't want to go through this ever again. it doesn't make me feel any better knowing i'll find someone else in time. it's such a bore having to go through all that only for it to end when you least expect it. it's so funny what you say about being beaten down by someone else's self-esteem issues. that's the story with my 'ex'.

can't believe my heart's bleeding so much over him, and to cap it all i'm exhausting everyone's patience going on about him!

Quing, think you need to remember how you 'woke up every morning, feeling empty wondering how to end it' – that's pretty strong stuff. make a list if needs be to remind yourself why it wouldn't have worked with her. i'm sorry you're feeling this way, but at least you have the satisfaction of seeing she's tryng to make contact with you (although if you want a clean break, you can still enforce one).

i feel like i've been dropped from a great height into icy waters by someone who professed their undying devotion and love for me. there's no chance of making him jealous as it was a ldr – am hoping that his imagination will torture him instead. wish he was jealous and that he would pass by to check my house! wish he'd have some reaction at least instead of this void, which is doing my head in!

i better stop here for now!! so annoyed with myself that i can just take this subject and run and run with it (arrghh!). anyhoo, the good thing is you're further ahead than you realise. and you WILL make your ex jealous by the sounds of things.

quing – i know exactly how you feel!! can't stop going over the details of my ldr bf's betrayal a month ago of me and our break-up (see my threads How do i get over his betrayal/How do i move on from this + a coupla others i've already posted, mainly in Getting Back Together/Healing After Break-ups). feel like i'm boring the few friends i've told as well as my family who think i keep going over stuff, hurting myself. and i'm also embarrassed that i keep coming back to the boards, that this is my only topic of conversation. but I CAN'T HELP IT, keep trying to figure it out because i can't believe someone who said they loved me so deeply could behave like he did.

like you, i keep going over the details, re-reading emails, to look for clues. trying to make sense of it all is keeping me hooked in to the whole toxic situation. keep getting really angry with him and his 'bit', then this all gets mixed up with the hurt and the sadness. also have started feeling annoyed with myself that i'm being so pathetic trapped in this mourning and not moving on like everyone tells you to do. if i hear 'time will heal everything' one more time, think i'll scream. i never wanted it to come to this – don't want to be talking about it being over. but it is and i'm having the hardest time accepting it, never mind contemplating a new relationship in the future – heart's too heavy for that. i want the future i was going to have with him, but it's all been shattered into pieces.

anyhoo, enough about me – think you get the picture! really do know

just how you feel, which makes me feel a bit better that someone else is going through similar stuff to me. hope it helps you to see it's not just you going through it. the one thing i would say is that she BETRAYED you. by doing that she forfeited any right to be in your life, unless it doesn't bother you. but it sounds like it really does, so what do you hope to achieve by having contact with her?

you deserve someone who treats you a whole lot better and it sounds like she isn't mature enough to have considered the effects of her behaviour on you otherwise she'd approach you more sensitively – that's a key word. how can she not see that she's betrayed you? is she totally blind? if she could at least apologise, that might be something. but she sounds a little too self-centred for that.

i don't know what else to say because i know what you mean about your head saying one thing and your heart the other. that's where i'm at, totally. the only thing i can suggest is for you not to contact her, hard as that is. you're angry because she did you wrong. remember that next time you're tempted to break NC.

webchick… you're right and thank you for your words. you're right, i can't overlook his shabby behaviour towards me – my self-respect won't allow it, but i have just got stuck trying to make sense of it all, because it came as such a SHOCK – him, of all people. the sad thing is i thought i had been careful with my heart, which is why it took me so long to let someone in (him) after many years (it was the same for him). we had so many 'firsts' together, it's so ironic it should've come to this.

i can only hope that what goes around comes around and he will have to face himself at some point, live with what he did to me.

thanks again.

thanks – i know you're right. i know he sounds like a complete loser, my point was this was not who he was (sadly, i'm not young enough to make excuses for him and despite all my experience i still haven't been able to avoid the fall-out from what he did). i thought i was in a serious, committed relationship with a mature man – one of the nicest, sweetest and most devoted guys i've been involved with – right up until last month, that is.

guess i just want to hear he's sorry, even though that can't change things. i know stuff like this happens all the time, but i cannot emphasise how much shock his recent behaviour has caused me (and those who i've told who know him). like he's had a breakdown. i believe him when he says she was a mistake because she is not me at the end of the day and i know he doesn't have anything like the feelings he had for me for her – he doesn't even love her, so i don't think he's lying about that. but then again i never thought he'd lie in the first place. he's dragged me down to such a tacky level i feel sick most of the time. and i'm so embarrassed that he sounds like such an idiot to others.

you're right, i know it. just don't understand why i feel so stuck.

[sorry, this is a bit long]

don't know what to do, so any advice greatly appreciated! in brief, my ldr bf broke up with me very suddenly at the beginning of April (i was in so much shock couldn't register it). he then went on to treat me very badly, saying he'd call then not calling, treating me so coldly, showing no consideration for my feelings (this from the man who slept on the floor to wait for my call in March!), then calling me and saying he doesn't want to lose me and loves me.

this went on for 4 weeks, the last time i spoke to him we had a 4hr conv and at one point he said getting me pregnant would solve our problems, but that was BEFORE i discovered (right at the start of the conv) that he's cheated on me with his friend's on-off gf – who he's previously said such disrespectful things about. she's the last person i'd ever have thought he'd get with, even on a temp basis. he said it was a mistake – "It should never have happened" – that he was so confused etc etc. but he's still hanging out with her (she lives in his neighbourhood) and hasn't cut contact (although he reassured me it was a priority because he's not in love with her) – said she's "too close to home". he now can't walk down the next avenue to his house because of her bf and his brother. (so tacky!)

it has taken me until now to come round from the shock; have been walking around like a car-crash victim. have just about worked out the reason we split is because he can't take the financial pressure – he's massively in debt and can't get a job + due to all the tension this caused we lost our 'spark'. but he took all his rage about the situation out on me. he's still walking around hard-done by when he's hurt me so much.

everyone has said it's just as well i found out now before i moved to the US and married him, had his kids like we'd planned. he is not the man i thought i knew. it's been so hard trying to reconcile the man i thought i knew with this cruel 'boy'. am finding it so hard to move on and disengage from him. feel so frustrated that he appears to have washed his hands of me so easily after what we had, i feel so disposed of and yet this is the man who pledged his life to me, told me i was his life. he hasn't called me since our 4hr conv. even though we were talking about working it out (I was still in shock) and his silence since then just adds insult to injury. but i feel still hooked into the situation – can't believe it's my story, that it's happened.

surely he's going to feel bad for what he's done? it was so unnecessary – if we had to break up it should have been civilised at least, but he took a sledgehammer to us. i have never been so damaged by another. friends tell me it's going to hit him what he's lost – he's just reacting at the moment, but once he gets my letter (telling him like it is) and the silence (NC) continues from my side, it will start to hit him.

i just feel so stupid that i still feel so attached. i've lost interest in everything (as well as at least 7lbs in weight), can't be bothered to make any food, watch tv, have stopped working out, nothing distracts me. can't stand being told to focus on myself now, forget about him and move on. can't believe it's come to this – he is the total opposite of who he was with me. don't feel i know him anymore. wish he would try and contact me, say sorry at least – leave me with some small shred of the man i loved. his last words were that he'd put a smile back on my face before seeing about being my bf again (can you believe it?).

what do i do? i know this sounds so pathetic of me, but i can't believe how easily he's shut me out when i was his reason for living before. why tell someone you don't want to lose them, then not even show them the courtesy you'd show a friend? can't get any of it out of my mind – soup of emotions, anger, hurt and betrayal vying for top position in my head – and today i keep hearing one of 'our' songs being played at work!! am spending my days 'snooping' on him and boring my friends/family talking about him. feel like it's all on his terms. i know i can't be with who he is now, but my family are worried i'm not protecting myself against the hurt he's caused me, still so hooked into it. please help!

yes, harsh words alright, although I do think he's genuine when he says he loves me, he just doesn't love me enough, clearly; is too immature/ self-centred to love properly. i really can't believe he's turned out like this – it's been one hell of a shock; he's the complete opposite now to how he was. 18 months of a sweet and loving guy, then sudden switch.

i know you advised against it, but i am going to send him the letter. he needs to know what he's done, that his behaviour is unacceptable. that he can't treat me so badly and think i'll just take it, say nothing. also, once he gets it he'll know that he's lost me and only then will it hit him what he's done. at the moment i'm just on the back-burner so he doesn't feel he's lost me at all. he needs to know that I don't want him anymore. not now.

thanks again for all your advice. just wish it wasn't eating me up so much. and, boy, is it eating me up!

thanks loveseeker, think you're right. the thing is i feel like calling him up and giving him what for. i have managed to maintain NC for the last month, apart from his haphazard calls to me (like i said, the other wkend we spoke for was 4hrs!), but i feel that by doing this i've lost power. what i mean is, if he's behaving so badly, shouldn't i tell him. i am writing a letter with words to that effect. but surely a "what do you think you're doing?" would put him in his place?

why doesn't he want me to give up hope? is this his way of keeping the door ajar, floating the possibility that we might have a chance again in the future (we did talk about it). i feel so stupid for probably stating the obvious (or not seeing it, whichever way you want to look at it). feel like i can't allow him to think what he's doing is ok. he needs to be pulled up on his behaviour. stuff like this just exacerbates the whole original situation again – reminds me what happened all over again. the shock and surprise and feelings of betrayal just don't seem to diminish. help!

thanks for your advice. seems like it's two steps forward, two back. think i'm too under to actually apply any of it right now. i'm going out of my mind at the moment because i feel he's somehow let himself off the hook and i don't know how to make him accountable. i'm writing him a letter, so i can put my side accross and maybe get some closure; tell him i don't want him anymore, so he can't think the door's still open for him.

but it's gutting me that he hasn't called, feel so stupid that i would even expect him to. just thought that after our 4-hour conversation (when i found out he cheated on me) he's call me at some point over the weekend (a week later), but i've heard nothing. he hasn't even called to see how i am. yet he's still calling this 'friend' of his who he has no interest in whatsover, told me how it was a big mistake etc etc.

and i realise that when he slipped in the reference to being my 'ex-bf' right at the end of our conversation, that he has exonerated himself from having to make any calls or do anything as he's now my ex. but why did he say he wants to put the smile back on my face, then see about being my bf again? why tell me he doesn't want to lose me – he even joked about the way to resolve things between us would be to get me pregnant. why say any of these things. if he doesn't want to know, why doesn't he just leave it that way. why say things that imply differently.

please help. it's driving me nuts. it's like there's a freah disappointment at every turn – as if it hasn't been bad enough. what can i do?

[sorry, this is a bit long!]

well, so much for my brave words in the previous post. it is exactly anmonth to the day that he unleashed his rage on me and the whole thing turned destructive. how do i get over the hurt, it's still plaguing me. want to write that letter to him this wkend and am hoping that my frame of mind, by the time i've got it all out, will have moved on and i'll be in a better place. can't believe it still. how can i move on from that?

also surely he'll feel bad for what he's done, have regrets. he's in a place he never wanted to be in, lost this relationship (one that said was the first real relationship he'd ever had - realised his previous ones had been shams compared to what he had with me; went to a lot of trouble to convince me of the depths of his feelings for me. even now saying he loves me), heavily in debt and hanging out with people he always professed to despise. all because he's so angry that his life is not turning out the way he wanted, that our relationship was not going the way he wanted. so angry that 'again' things were 'slipping through [his] fingers'. told me he was surprised by the depths of his anger and that it lasted for as long as it had (days). said he'd always reined it in before, so was surprised himself (!).

but he doesn't seem to acknowledge the destruction it's caused, the hurt, the mess he's made of everything. was even putting it down to 'a moment of madness' when we were talking last wkend. like he can't believe it himself. but still behaves toward me like i have no feelings. no sense of what he's doing to others and yet still says he's going to straighten it out, 'put a smile back on [my] face' like it's a priority of his and yet here i am 6 days after that conversation and what has he done about that?

so why does he tell me he doesn't want to lose me, loves me? if he so wanted out, why not just make a clean break? i'd have to accept these things happen and get over it. but to have behaved the way he has and still be behaving with such casual disregard for my feelings. why say those things? doesn't he feel any remorse, feel at all bad? is he behaving like this because he feels guilty about what he's done, knows he's messed up big time? i just don't understand how a person can profess to love you so deeply, still say they love you after behaving so hurtfully and not feel a shred of something about the way they've treated the person they say they love.

sorry, i've been going on so long. will try and wrap it up here. just want to know how i get over the hurt of it all? the shock? surely there will come a time that he will regret what he's done. he's in a worse mess now than before with no way out really. he's ended up precisely where he vowed he'd never be and he had a good future ahead of him with me because we could have (at least for the time being) have worked things out between us, negotiated a way forward. so surely, given the deep-thinking person i knew him to be, he will feel bad?

feel like i've got a scream of anger bubbling up to be honest, anger that it's turned out like this. trashed beyond belief. and what it's done to me, how low it's laid me. how do i move on from here?

thanks for yr words Meowy, guess a part of me still wants to hear him express remorse, for him to call me and assure me he's now put things right - as he said he would. in fact, he led me to believe that it was a priority of his to talk to the other girl and 'straighten things out'. just want to hear it. just so that i can see that there's some shred of decency in him, that he was sincere. i know he loves me (strange though that sounds), but he's too messed up and messing me up in the process. just want to hear what he has to say, though it won't change anything because i can't overlook what he's put me through. that's the awful thing, there is no putting it right. it's so sad. so sad that something so good could be so awful. never thought it would end like this, so bogged down in tackiness and negativity.

trying not to feel humiliated, but his betrayal stings and i am hurt by the implicit rejection obviously. a blow to my pride, especially as this person claimed to love me so deeply, in so manyways. still saying he loves me. even now. but am going to take this weekend to write a letter to him, setting him straight. i've given him every opp to show me different and it's just got worse and worse. but i am going to find the strength to fight back and he will be the one left with regrets i hope.

but it's not easy and i still miss him. but there's no going back and no future with him. still can't believe it.

i ask this because i'm confused. when someone says they love you but are not in love with you, does it mean something different to the person saying it? my ldr bf has just split with me (the reasons are becoming more and more hazy), but one of the things he said was that he really loves me, loves me for the person i am, but isn't in love with me. asked me how he can get those feelings back (can you believe that?) because we'd got bogged down in petty arguments. however, his sexual desire remains as strong for me as it ever did (and he even joked when we spoke last wkend that the way he was going to put our situation right (he dumped me out of the blue, then immediately cheated on me; beginning to suspect he got with her 2 days before he announced the split rather than after it + i should mention he told me he's not in to her at all, that it's a mistake; "It should never have happened" were his exact words and he regrets it) was to get me pregnant. so what does he mean when he says he's not 'in love' with me? what does that mean? i thought you lost all desire when you're not 'in love', that you're not into yr mate sexually, ie you just don't fancy them. but that's not the case with him.

so what am i supposed to make of that?

i ask this because i'm confused. when someone says they love you but are not in love with you, does it mean something different to the person saying it? my ldr bf has just split with me (the reasons are becoming more and more hazy), but one of the things he said was that he really loves me, loves me for the person i am, but isn't in love with me. asked me how he can get those feelings back (can you believe that?) because we'd got bogged down in petty arguments. however, his sexual desire remains as strong for me as it ever did (and he even joked when we spoke last wkend that the way he was going to put our situation right (he dumped me out of the blue, then immediately cheated on me; beginning to suspect he got with her 2 days before he announced the split rather than after it + i should mention he told me he's not in to her at all, that it's a mistake; "It should never have happened" were his exact words and he regrets it) was to get me pregnant. so what does he mean when he says he's not 'in love' with me? what does that mean? i thought you lost all desire when you're not 'in love', that you're not into yr mate sexually, ie you just don't fancy them. but that's not the case with him.

so what am i supposed to make of that?

i ask this because i'm confused. when someone says they love you but are not in love with you, does it mean something different to the person saying it? my ldr bf has just split with me (the reasons are becoming more and more hazy), but one of the things he said was that he really loves me, loves me for the person i am, but isn't in love with me. asked me how he can get those feelings back (can you believe that?) because we'd got bogged down in petty arguments. however, his sexual desire remains as strong for me as it ever did (and he even joked when we spoke last wkend that the way he was going to put our situation right – he dumped me out of the blue, then immediately cheated on me; beginning to suspect he got with her 2 days before he announced the split rather than after it + i should mention he told me he's not in to her at all, that it's a mistake; "It should never have happened" were his exact words and he regrets it). so what does he mean when he says he's not 'in love' with me? what does that mean? i thought you lost all desire when you're not 'in love', that you're not into yr mate sexually, ie you just don't fancy them. but that's not the case with him.

so what am i supposed to make of that?

Djedix, think what you say is absolutely right. I guess I have to take on board that if it was ever gonna happen, better it happened now than later, especially as we were talking about having kids in the next couple of yrs + i was getting ready to move to NY to be with him. In fact, when we were talking last wkend, he flagged it up as something he's very serious about (never mind, given his recent behaviour, he's not fit to be a parent), had previously said to me that it didn't matter whether I had kids or not (I have voiced concerns I might not be that fertile), he loved me enough and I was his choice. That's all changed now and it's become a burning issue for him.

But that's what hurts, we had such a defined, committed future together, can't believe he wants to throw it away. And the tragic thing is we probably coulda worked through our issues if he hadn't gone and betrayed me like that. Can't erase that from my mind and that's the big sticking point (aside from the fact that if it'd been the other way around he wouldn't have give me any second chances; wonder if I 'accepted' it whether later on down the line he'd lose respect for me).

But you're right. He's decided what's best for him, and him only and hang the consequences. He was not what I'd call a self-centred man, but now it's all me, me, me with him, resolutely putting himself first without a thought for anyone else. From one extreme to another. Despite calling me and sending me a coupla emails, not once has he actually asked me how I am or said he hopes I'm okay, which even a friend would do, or just out of courtesy. It's like my feelings just don't exist, like I don't have any, so it doesn't matter what he says to me or how he says it. Maybe he doesn't want to know because he'll have to acknowledge what he's done?

So Djedix, when you say you dumped someone once and 'ruined them', how did you know you'd ruined them? Did you feeling bad kick in immediately afterwards or did it take time for the reality to filter through to yr consciousness? How long ago was it? Think he will regret it bitterly because there was no need for it to end the way it has, all this unnecessary pain and hurt. If he'd wanted to split, all he had to do was spk to me, show a little sensitivity. It's his right to feel however he does. But he's made such a tacky mess of it, tainted all my happy memories of us. He is (or was) a really decent, thoughtful, considerate person, so I can't believe that at some point he won't feel bad.

Also, don't think the full impact of what he's done will hit him until I turn away from him for good. Currently, he's left the door open with me, so the reality hasn't hit and as far as he's concerned I'm still here, waiting. But once he realises that I really have gone, that there is no chance of a future with me, think it's all going to come down on him. Think he'll see what he's lost and I can only hope that deepens with time as his outlook matures. He's storing up a whole world of regrets the way he's carrying on.

What shall I do if he calls at the wkend? Am not strong enough yet to tell him what he can do with himself.