Thank you for being there..
I need some unbiased input.
I will try to make this short and simple although it is not so short or simple a questions.
Over a long period I desperately tried to make my marriage work even though my wife seem disinterest. I finally left. Quite a few years later I still did not understand what had gone wrong.
The about the time I decided I never would thins started fitting together. Below is a list of things that occurred over some years.
Was I in denial or is there an other explanation
1. I was married to someone I totally adored, I never even though of having an affair.
2. We were married 20 years. For the last 7 years I went though a very painful time trying to save the marriage.
3. I was in a lot of emotional pain for a long time. I felt a huge loss. I did not understand what had happened between us.
4. My wife never would accept that "we" had a problem. She said "you" have a problem. I once told her that I blamed not one, but in a relationship it was both I would do more than my part to make it work for both of us. She always said "we" includes the kids. She did not buy the idea that there was a "we". This was painful.
5. I suggested counseling over and over again. She refused over a several year period. When she did so she became silent angry saying "go if you want – it's not for me"
6. For the first 7 years if was very good. People would say "I have never seen two people so happy together – you are crazy about each other" We used to say we agreed and liked that other envied us.
7. We had two wonderful children and both of us seemed to love being parents.
8. We are now divorced. I still wonder "what happened". Finally, through a lot of help from my physician and counselor I was able to leave. I was crushed. I still loved her and would have done anything to have made it work. My health had begun to suffer and was told that eventually the relationship might very well kill me. It was tough to accept but I finally admitted there was not hope. I had to save myself for myself and for my children.
9. When she would not go to counseling and insisted that it was just my problem – I bought and went on my own. Initially I did not even bring up a marriage problem – I was out to "fix me" to save my marriage although I did not really know what to fix.
I would ask her what I was doing wrong and she would say nothing. She would never tell me what was going on with her. It seemed like there was some deep dark secret. And there were a lot of "out of the blue statement" made by her that seemed to make not sense. They were like when someone repeats something they heard or read that they don't understand.
10. I got to the point where I understood that one can only change one's own behavior. I did that and asked for a lot of help about what to do and received a lot of help. I grew so much as a person, yet the only reason I was doing it was to save my marriage.
11. During a stronger moment I told her either go to counseling or it was over. She yelled at me " okay if that what I have to do or maybe I should just kill myself then you could have the house and the kids" this scared me and my counselor. She said the main behavior I was dealing with was passive aggressive behavior – so I learned all about that.
12. We did end up at a counselor who had practiced for over 30 years and had a great reputation of helping couples get to the right place and was very patient if it needed time. My mother and her sister had both gone to him. I though it would be a benefit that he knew about of families of origin. The two of us went. Then she went. Then I went. After I went he called her immediately at work and asked her to come back. Then we both went in together again. He said "this is a tough one" You have two choices "stay together and lead separate lives – doing just a few things together".
When I asked like what he said "go to your daughters wedding together" Our oldest was 9 at the time. I asked what the point of that would be and he said "maybe you both want to live with your children"
This happened within a 6 day period. The end, Unusual for this counselor. I was disappointed I had so thought this might help. I went back to see the counselor to try to better understand. I remember telling him that what hurt the most was that she would not even try.
He told me two things then 1. Its not that won't, she can't and that I had been through a very rough go of it and I should try to get on with my life, Sad day.
13 A friend who talked to her right after I moved out said she maid a weird comment "I've had enough of men"…what was that about. We had been married for 20 years at that point
13. It was all so vague with her. I was always left wondering.
14. Often it seem like other knew what was up with her but either did not want to tell me or sort of suggested that it was something I need to see when the time was right for me, More vagueness. My counselor told me that I had really done all that I could do. As I look back I think I might have been in some massive denial. I think distance may have helped I am doing fine now and happy but still wonder what happened. Here are some of the very odd things that happened that seemed to occur.
Oh yes there was no use of drugs or alcohol. That I know of – on my end for sure
15.The change happened abruptly and continued to get worse over time.
16. One night while driving home from an evening out she blurted out "If you want out just say so" I was shocked – the thought never crossed my mind.
17. She worked late until 9:30 – I got home at 6:00. One night she came home from work and I was dozing off to sleep when I heard her in the bathroom sobbing. I went in and asked what was wrong she said "It has nothing to do with you" I proceeded gently over the days but she would never tell me any more than that.
18. I found that she had stashed $500 under the bath room sink – I asked why – she said for food if she needed it. Strange – we ere doing way okay and she had free access to our accounts and I had never been economically withholding. I was real confused but figure she needed her own so I made sure that was easy for her.
19. She quit wearing the jewelry I had given her over the years (except her wedding ring) She use to really love to wear it – she said she loved that I was so special to her – that's what it reminded her of. When I asked her why she stopped wearing it she told me it didn't make her feel special anymore. I asked what…silence/
20. The thing we both enjoyed most at one point was "just talking" together. That stopped. She was sort of withholding of dialog. I often felt like I was having a one person conversation. She always seemed somewhere else.
21. She lost all interest in our home. If you want a nice home you do it she told me. She uses to adore it.
22. She seemed angry a lot with very little explanation. And when I asked –she denied being angry.
23. Many times I asked her what I could do to make things better or what was wrong. The answer was "nothing" you have to take care of your problems. Yet she would never tell me what she thought my problems were
23. I would give her little gifts as I always had. She never said anything about them – she use to be so excited and happy. I sent flowers (always had) and instead of unwrapping them and putting them in water they would just be on the counter when I cam home. A few times I found them in the trash can, Very confusing. It seemed like being considerate, nice and thoughtful made her angry.
24. Then after quite awhile her appearance started to be haphazard, she put on weight – a friend once said " I have never seen someone work so hard at looking bad"
25. She would always pack for a trip with the bags laid open in our room for a few days prior. I remember once she was going to visit her parents with our kids. I looked down and she had packed her diaphragm. I though "what, why" then never though much about it at the time.
15. I found a small piece of paper folded up in a box she keep little stuff in like our luggage keys. It looked like a phone number.
15. I found on the floor next to her night stand a set of numbers written on a piece of paper. Looked like the combination to a safe, lock or some kind of password.
26. I look back at this one and never though a thing of it at the time. Maybe it was nothing. I can home one day and the man who lived accross the street was in our kitchen with her. Two years later his wife left him because he had an affair and had got the person pregnant. She said that her husband had insisted they try swing and ….. Now I wonder… I saw this guy a year later and he asked about my wife – first thing out " how are you and ______ doing together…then he grinned and said I like _____. I thought nothing of it then but know. And maybe alone it meant nothing – just a neighbor
28 We use to enjoy an occasion drink or wine with dinner, she quit dinking completely and her expression when other did made them feel that she was disapproving.
29. I never even considered that she had an affair(s) she was "not the type" very straight type.
30. I read "five signs that you wife is or has had an affair". Four applied.
31. Was I in complete denial or does this add up to something else having happened – things changed so abruptly.
30. I look back and there were all kinds of things like about this was just a representative sample. It went on for almost 10 years.
This went on over a long period of time. Did something happen once in the beginning that lingered or was there a whole series of incident???
What do think this was all about.
What where you thoughts as you read through this. M
maybe you can help me and maybe putting this out there will help others. I would like to see other not have to go through the pain I did. Many thanks for your time and help and thank you for the information you make available.
It has been long enough and I am still wondering what happened.
I need to resolve this as part of getting on with life after a divorce.
I am so appreciative of any help you can give me.
Many, many thanks
Dan
