imaweirdo

he left me a message on my phone asking me to come to this event he is performing at for some reason I dont feel like replying to him kinda feel a bit sick

i guess he is just confused seeing as he isnt into mind games, but its really annoying because now i dont know whether to contact him or not

SO WE MET UP! so I havent been here for a while thought I should update the last week of NC I was fine and felt happier in myself. NC DOES HELP... Well we had arranged to meet up after a month of NC, I felt prepared and I didnt feel needy. So we met up and it was amazing. We had a lot of fun, no arguments, it was great. I played it cool, didnt bring the past or relationship up (he did though but I tried not to drag it on), didnt argue, just tried to be fun around. He even kept signaling that he wanted to get back together. He wouldnt stop asking me about other guys, and kept on stabbing his fork in the table everytime he mentioned it and said maybe meeting up wasnt a good idea. He wanted to come back to my house which is far and a big hassle for him but we decided not too because of other issues he wouldnt stop talking about our relationship. He kept on pointing out his mistakes and how he is different now and realised a lot of stuff He even said how his friend thinks its funny that I seem to be over him before he is over me. Implying that he isnt over me He said he is finding it hard and he cant even look at other girl because he isnt over me. He did notice a difference in me. Even weight lost. He kept on saying that I have changed and I am more confident now and more motivated. He said its a good thing. We had a weird moment when I left. He wouldnt stop hugging me and he asked me to kiss him goodbye on the cheek. so everything was good and getting better and I felt more incontrol of the situation well 5 days later I phoned him for a quick chat. Basically he said to me when we met up he was thinking a lot. He was thinking about whether he was doing the right thing and he wasnt sure anymore. And he was unsure and weird when we met up but then the next day he was fine and just focusing on other things and he pretty much got over it. He seems to think this stuff is expected and he just has to get over these feelings. He also kept saying that this break up has been good for me, and how right he was to do it because I am happy and making changes in my life which is so annoying! then he went on about us being such good friends again and how he still views me as being the closest person to him. And how sad he wasnt that we werent really talking anymore. I dont know what to do I feel heart broken again something happened between us and now he is acting like nothing did I dont know whether I should do NC because it might make him drift more or I should carry on talking to him again. we said we will hang out again but it wont be for another 2 weeks because of easter and plans

btw sorry I havent PMed anyone back yet! if you want exback it is on link removed

jabean well done! I am thinking of you and I do hope everything goes ok! hopefully you will end up closer to what you initially want. Good plan!! positive thinking My ex initiated contact today, he left a message on my phone saying I hope you're ok, and you're not too busy but... (the rest was just small talk about some gig he went too) I am guessing that is a good thing because he hardly leaves me messages, even when we were together obviously I havent replied and dont really want too but its probably just a text that he would send to his best friend ya know? blah. because thats how he sees me right now. oksanauk I dont really know what to say, about your husband and everything omgosh The only thing I would suggest is to just sit back and breathe. He is expecting you to act the way that you are and by doing so you are pushing him away even further. He is away from you because he needs space right now and you're not really giving it to him and it will make him angry. NC does get easier. When I contact my ex I feel worse than before.

I had low self esteem for many years. I tried councelling but it wasnt at the right time. I was totally descructive and ended up with an eating disorder for a long time. what you wrote is exactly how I use to feel. It was my burden because I wouldnt go out because I felt like everyone would be repulsed by me. It is a case of you are your own worse enemy syndrome. But the thing is, you really put it on yourself. It is so easy to concentrate on the negatives because as humans we are always striving to do better and reach an ideal. When someone makes a horrible comment towards you it is more easy to focus on that, instead of the good comments you've received. I know this may sound silly but it is in your head. Im sure if I knew you I would not think half the bad things you do about yourself. The turning point for me was finding new friends. I was lucky I found a group of people who knew about my problem and they constantly told me how much they did love me. I realised life is too short to spend it being depressed and unhappy. I am sure you are loved by lots of people, if something happened to you I am sure you will be missed. You really need to try and attack this. Half the things I use to think of myself I wouldnt even think of my worse enemy, whats the point? You really should love yourself, but at the end of the day you die alone. The life you would of led would of been your own. So you have to try and make the best of it for yourself and no one else.

well put! jabean it is good that you are putting positive changings in your life, I felt like now is the time to sort myself out. I let myself go, I was selfish and had low self esteem and I am working on that now. I hope everything works out fine! it is very weird and even though I am finding NC hard, deep down I know if I do contact him, I will end up upset anyway so I dont really want too. When I had spoken to him the first few times I felt physically sick throughout the whole conversation. He decided we should stay friends so I tried. When we werent talking I would be ok and getting on with my life but when I would speak to him, even if we were talking just as friends I would feel stressed, on the edge, nervous and worried. It is truly important for your own sanity and I place more importance on that now instead of saving the relationship. At the end of it really all we want is to be happy. Now Im on day 17 now. and I do feel better, it is just when I go to sleep and as soon as I wake up I find hard. So I am spending all weekend out with my friends and having a good time. I have been working out somewhat though I am lazy, and I have lost a lot of weight but I think most of it is because I lost my appetite with all the worrying I did when we first broke up. but I feel better that ive lost weight jazn84 well done on getting through a month and 7 days

might help some people here is a summary of things people can try or at least think about... these are just what *I* am trying to work on but if other people want to try then that's cool. it is very scrict looking but sometimes people have questions about certain things so if you're stuck on something you can read what *I* would do. I just gathered this up from reading here and from books. but use your own instinct too. No dont contact! It will be worth it Don't tell them you wont because they'll expect it It will also feel restrictive if you keep giving them attention. IT IS IMPORTANT THEY DONT FEEL RESTRICTED. Don't stalk (dont check up on them! hide their photos) Try and make yourself look hard to get They can intepret the smallest things you do as a push so no hints! You cant help but push even if you think they cant spot it so it is important not to contact them! This will also make pushing you've done in the past be forgotten or play second fiddle to the positive things about you NC is for YOU it isnt so much about them missing you, it is to work on yourself and lose your fragile needy state, otherwise you will break down when you see them dont make it look like you are avoiding them, you are just busy. dont give reassurance that you have changed let them see it dont act depressed neediness is repulsive they are more concerned about what they want not what you want. they left you to benefit themselves so if you act needy it will make them feel more negative energy from you and they will not care as much as you think about what you want. give them what they want and thats freedom of choice. thinking I need him and putting pressure on them will make you needy. You dont NEED them you want them. You wont die without them but it will still be pretty good to have them. The maybe even become scared of losing you for good if you act like you dont need them to be happy... and if they still have any feelings for you then they wont want to lose you for good. Sometimes people break up with you and they think you will always be there for them! dont be a doormat because then they will think pursuing you is too easy and would much rather have something else they cant have and someone with a more positive attitude relax working out will take your mind off them, as well as boasting your confidence and you will look better Remember you have more good times and memories than any new person. As long as you protray a good positive image and DONT ACT NEEDY no one else will be able to compete. The bad stuff will seem so distant. Dont whine about them seeing another person, they want to get away from that and if you moan about them seeing someone else they will want to do it even more. Challenges are appealing and you are challenging them. Give them freedom of choice. Make yourself better to be around with then anyone else. The person who gives them more freedom of choice will win them over. that is what they want. STOP THINKING ABOUT THEM when you start thinking about them in a good way snap out of it, think of something else you love instead like a future event or your career. Otherwise NC wont work. If you're not happy it means you were leaning on them for happiness so stop thinking about them and greifing them, you don't need too. Focus away from him and use hoobies and friends to distract you. It is important that you are happy for two reasons 1st if you're not when you meet up it wont work, you might break down or show some acts of neediness. You dont wont that 2nd if it doesnt work out you will be able to handle it better remember people like trying to get what they cant have so dont act easy for them. give them space so dont restrict them Doing all this will lead to you having more space (what they probably wanted or needed), no neediness, attraction, prevention of feelings of grief. WHEN ARRANGING TO MEET UP You should meet up, attractiveness isnt created over the phone. try and find something exciting and be spontaneous. think happy happy joy joy. Don't ring more than once a day when arranging to meet up. Aim to do it on the phone, dont text or email. When talking to them act interested in what they are saying and ask questions about it focus on them ask them when the convo is going good (they will use how they feel in the moment, like when you're a kid and you want something from your parents, you wait until they're in a good mood) if they reject your offer act like its not a big deal. laugh and say 'dont be silly its just lunch' if they stil reject it then say thats fine and do some more NC or leave it at that. Dont ask them why! Dont stay on the phone for long, leave when the convo is going good arrange the date about a week in advance so they will anticipate it and be thinking of you WHEN YOU MEET UP remember everything above about why you did NC Dont spend a long time together, 2hours at the most but less is even better Dont bring up the relationship or ask questions about it! (you shouldnt in any conversations neither) If they mention the relationship you should try and steer it to positives but dont prolong the conversation. however if they talk about the break up you should try and avoid it Dont break down dont act needy dont hint they wil spot it! they are extra alert right now. dont beg or plead! they expect this! This will make the experience negative as a whole... you might as well be arguing. when they are just having a wonderful time with you the impact will be positive Defuse all arguments, just say 'you know you're right' They will remember your arguments and they will use it as evidence as to why you two broke up Dont talk about the past! You are trying to start fresh. Act happy dont act sad about the breakup. They will want what they cant have. They will more likely want to act predatory If they say something that upsets you dont act upset. being happy will make you more attractive. It will be hard for them to turn you down if you keep having fun together. It will also remind your ex of why they liked you in the first place End on a good note. Leave early. Dont make plans for a date just then. keep them hanging and thinking about you. Maybe even go into NC for a week or two. Then arrange another meet up. Slowly though, you do not want to jump straight into a heavy relationship again. Might scare them off again 3 - 7 dates is what is suppose to be ideal If after 3 months they still havent brought up the relationship then carefully be assertive but if they flirt dont jump the gun and assume they want you back in their life.

So im on 15days of no contact and arranged to meet up with my ex end of next week. First he accepted, further in the convo he said ''im not gonna meet up, I want to know th eperson I am meeting up with I brushed it off and said it was up to him and not a big deal, so he changed his mind and said he would. Though I think it might be too soon. That convo went up and down quite a bit. And I am still really craving him, though it is slowly wearing off, I am still fragile. NC is ultimately there for you to work on yourself thereforeeee your feelings wont be so irrational, you'll end up desiring your ex not needing them as such. If you have any feelings of need and pushiness they will spot it and completely repel from you. Of course he will have the space he wants too and feelings of newness. But ultimately NC is for you. Though I do feel slighty better since I wrote that thread though I had a crazy dream about him, which woke me up and left me feeling like crap. BEEC (thanks for your reply) Exback suggests a minimum of 30days, it is kind of scrict I guess, it is like 'you MUST do this, its not an option, you MUST work out at least 30mins EVERY DAY etc etc' I guess it is down to you, though the book is set out in a 'day by day' style. MY DILEMMA I am thinking of extending NC by 2 weeks but I am not sure. He has a really fulfilled life, I am worried he will realise he doesnt need me at all. He also has a major event happening on the 17th. Now we decided not to date anyone else until we meet, now, if things go bad because its too soon, Im scared he will probably try dating on the 17th. He says he doesnt want to date anyone at all but feelings change.... but we would of been separated for a month and a half by then and he has people hitting on him constantly. He even made a girl cry last week because she has been after him for like a year (I knew she was but he said I was just being a woman) well she was told he was single by his friend (thanks friend!! blah) and she asked him out, he rejected her and she cried all over the place. Im not supposed to be bothered by this but the feeling of him being with someone else makes me feel sick. I wish I could eliminate the female specie for a month or so! Now if I do extend NC by 2 weeks, he wont date but he might grow further away from me and loose interest in me altogether especially seeing as he still seems to have a bit of interest in me still. We have been separated for a month, I last saw him 5 weeks ago and he dumped me over the phone 4 days later. And we've done NC for 15days (though I think I might of contacted him too much, I have spoken to him THREE in those two weeks, first because he was upset I was seeing someone, once to arrange to meet but we ended up having a big discussion and before that I spoke to him for 5mins on the phone and it was a good convo) I think ive messed up. I know there is no formula on how to get your ex back. It has been stated here already. There is no magic wand etc etc but I see it like this. All through the dating game we play games with the gender we are attracted too. We are always in some sense manipulative. Sometimes how you act ultimately wins your date. If you act desperate and clingy people will repel from you. You play hard to get even if you are smitten by someone. So why is this different? Relationships dont just happen you have to work at them. How many times have you broken up with someone and realised you didnt really want too but you thought you did? You can not force attraction but if attraction is already there but hidden then you can try and make it reappear. People have marriage councelling for a reason. Love isnt magic stuff to me. Look at the modern types of arranged marriages. Obviously this might not work but at least I can say I tried. I know it lies in his hands but I can do my part and see where it goes. If he rejects me still then ok, but I cant sit and watch my relationship end when I didnt even know there was a problem and without trying at all. Im not given up just yet on something that means so much to me. I know lots of couples that have broken up after a few years, some for a week, some for 6months and they managed to work it out so it can be done. FIF i will try that thanks! It is hard to remember stuff like that when you're so caught up and worried. I already love this forum I will PM you! BEEC thank you for your advice, I am trying not to just follow the book, that is why I posted here also, it also feels more saner talking to people than a book. so thank you I never really thought about it that way! I just wanted to use the book as something to refere too and start me off. Jlchavis: hope everything works out for the best!

Thanks for the reply Fif I really appreciate! I am sorry you are going through a break up as well. I hope you are coping ok with it!! how did he respond? I wanted to initally break up because I thought maybe he was cheating on me. I was questioning his honesty and I felt betrayed. but it ended up being a big misunderstanding and me being paranoid, we cleared it up and everything was great, actually even better.... but I guess it was just great for me. I told him loads how happy and inlove I was and I made a big effort to show him but he didnt respond to it as much as he use too but I thought he was just recovering over our argument and stressed because of work. Usually I am ok with break ups though but for some reason this one doesnt want to budge. I dont know why some guys act clingy and then suddendly they just change and dont want you, its happened to me before too. It is just like 'why cant you find a balance?' The first time this happened to me it was with a guy I had been with for 2yrs.He had no confidence and then suddendly he had too much confidence, he tried cheating on me. So maybe it is a confidence thing? But a year later he tried to get in contact with me again but I declined. That is really good advice! I didnt really think about it enough I guess. he said he wants to break up because the spark has gone. So I guess I just have to relight the spark right? I mean if it was there once and there are still some feelings it cant be that hard? And I think we were having too many arguments too. He just likes being around me as company, I dont think he loves me as much as he use too. in 'how to get back with your ex' (its the one from link removed) it mentions dating after a week!!! I think its strange too. maybe as a confidence boast or to make you realise other people are attracted to you??!!!??? Iuno. If you are interested in reading it I will PM it to you. It is quite interesting, especially as it emphasises how you can push people away even more. Its only 60pages I think. (Im sorry this is all about me btw when you are even more fresh from breakup)

so I am new here but I have been reading all this stuff all day. I am in the process of trying to rekindle my relationship with my ex. Right now we are separated, but it feels like it is just a hiatus sometimes. first my story We had been dating for 3 years. When we first started dating he was like a clingy little puppy and I didnt like it much, then all of a sudden he changed. And he has me like a suction. The last year I have felt like I have grown more in love with him but he has grown more apart. He stopped complimenting me as much as he use too and I found him being nicer to other girls (though he says I am just paranoid) I didnt know why he stopped complimenting me and stopped leaving me love messages so I told him I wanted it to be over because I was scared that he had become someone I didnt know. He begged me not to break up over something so trivial. So I said 'we'll go out and try to work things out and if they dont work out then I guess that's it' So we met up and it was the most perfect time I could have. When we first met he was kind of distant. So I cried and he didnt know why. Then things were going OK. He restored my faith in him after that, we had an amazing night. Then on my way home I told him I love him even more now. I was so happy. Four days later (1st Feb), he tells me it's over. First I didnt believe him and I told him he was just being silly and having second thoughts which just angered him, he told me to get over it and accept it. Finally after a week it hit me that he was serious. I asked him why didnt he tell me when I saw him, that was the plan, he said he wanted to be sure. So I took an overdose and tried to kill myself (please dont judge me on that, it was silly I know but a lot of stuff had happened to me around that time and it all happened at once) It wasnt an attempt to get him back, I really wanted to end my life. I ended up being OK (obviously) and my parents helped me through that. It upset him a lot that I did that, he cried on the phone to my mom. He still felt the same way though. what I was doing that was so wrong So I begged and cried I rang him up all the time. Nothing worked, he was patient with me, but I knew it would just end up making him angry and it pushed him further, he saw me as this sad little puppy that needed to grow and he couldnt understand why I felt like I NEEDED someone in my life to make me happy. He said he wants us to be friends. I told him I dont know if I could, it would hurt too much seeing him move on. But we still spoke a lot like we were friends, though everytme I did, I felt hurt and physically sick (I ended up vomitting a few times out of nerves and stress) and I knew I couldnt do it anymore. I kept checking up to see if he had a new girlfriend and to see if he had left me for someone else, he always denied this and I believe him. He said he doesnt want another relationship he wants to concentrate on his career and not be distracted though sometimes I think that is just an excuse to shut me up because he always had space. the plan So two weeks after our inital break up I downloaded exback. It basically goes against everything I had done. No begging, no pleading, to turn the power in your favor. I am trying but I dont know if it is working. The first rule is the no contact for 30 days, unless it is necceassary (sp?) I felt motivated at first but now I dont know anymore. Though I wish I found this forum first because it is basically the same stuff. But the book is based around attracting your ex back, if they were attracted to you once it is possible for them to be attracted to you again. It also points out that dependency and begging is repulsive to your ex. And you wont get your ex back like that. Infact it will make them not want you even more. No one wants to be with someone who is clingy, dependant and sad. They broke up with you because they felt like they could be happier without you so obviously being sad is what they are trying to get away from. So I have done everything the book says. The book says if you're stil friends and in regular contact you have to close contact off slowly first. So I spoke to him and i told him I was happy. I had been out with my friends, met some cool bands, got some new job interviews, became closer to my friends, I also have quite bad eyesight and i got my eyes fixed which made my confidence so much higher. He said 'glad you're doing good miss on top of the world! Im doing bad! All my friends are annoying me and I am sick' then he went on about how maybe this break up was good for me and i needed it to motivate me in life, even though he didnt feel happier or sadder, he was stuck in the same place emotionally. That annoyed me, it was like he was proving how right he was for breaking up with me. Then a few days later into the NC thing, he thought because I was so happy (I wasnt really I was missing him like hell) that means I was with someone else or dating. He went crazy. He bombared my phone with text messages saying he was upset, he knew I would find someone so quickly, he didnt realise how much it would hurt him and I guess we werent meant to be after all then. He kept ringing me phone but I was busy so I didnt answer (not purposely I was just busy) He texted me more asking me to talk to him, I said I dont want too. He said if you care about me you would. And I said no. Eventually I rang him back. He was so upset on the phone, he said he couldnt believe I was with someone else, I never said I was or that I wasnt at first, but he decided upon himself that I was. I said 'I dont know why you would care either way, thats what happens when you break up with someone and this was your choice' and he said he thought if I was seeing someone I was a ho because it was only two weeks and i had thereforeeee lied to him because I told him there could be no one else. He said if I was seeing someone already then he would be glad that he had left me if I was like that (so he isnt glad?). Now I dont know if he was more upset about the fact that he thought I was with someone else, or the fact that he felt like i had been lying to him all along. So I came clean and said I wasnt. He said he has no intention of going out with any other girls anyway he is still getting over me. He has had offers but has declined them all. For some reason we made a decision not to date anyone until we next meet up. I asked him what did he want in the future and he said he wasnt sure. (i know I shouldnt of done that but this was still early days) Now this is all fine and good but then sometimes he gives me mixed messages, he willl say this and then later in the conversation he will emphasis us just being friends and how good this break up has been for me. The thing in the book I am having trouble with is the dating other people (you have to go on at least three other dates). First we said we wouldnt date for a while. And then he said if i did that would make me a ho and a liar. He already knows that guys find me attractive, but maybe he needs to see it more?? He said I wouldnt have trouble finding another guy and I would do so before him. If that wasnt a problem though. Everytime i look at guys I just compare them to him and they never even come close, sorry to sound snobby but I just put them down and I cant even force myself to find another guy even remotely attractive in the sense that I would want to even casually date them. I dont even date anymore I just end up making friends first and then stuff happens. Anyway onto the No Contact thing. I have now been on no contact for 14days, basically i am half way through, they say a minimum of 30 days. The first days were the toughest though, especially when you think 'I have another 28 days left!' or worrying that he might be getting over you quicker or that he will find someone else. But I have to keep telling myself, even if he did find someone else, he will at least still be thinking of me and we have more experiences together. As long as I act happy, independent and changed like the person he will want to be with then I have a stronger chance than any new person could. So I spoke to him yesterday for 5mins (13days after starting NC). I know I shouldnt have. But I think it was ok. I rang him and he sounded please to hear from me. We had small talk, mainly concentrating on him because people love talking about themselves. He said a few friends have asked him out (which he told me already!) I laughed and said 'ah ok!' like I was fine with that, but really it killed me but I ignored it because I knew I had too. Plus I knew he rejected them all anyway and maybe he was just having an ego trip or to see my reaction. He said he was generally fine which upset me a bit too, which I know is evil but only a week ago he was saying how upset he was and that he still loves me and now he is sounding ok. Though he wasnt HAPPY, just doing fine. Though maybe it was because his friends were there. The conversation was going good so then I said 'I have to go now' he sounded really gutted. He begged me not to go, and I said I have too I was only calling to say hi. I dont want to interpret that into someting it isnt though, because it might just be because he likes my company as a friend even though he was with all his friends at the time. But I know he does miss talking to me. BUT.. Now I am finding this NC thing still hard. It has gotten easier since the beginning but I am still thinking about him constantly. Every day I have to stop myself from talking to him, or checking up on him. I can not do the switch thing that exback talks about. It says to stop thinking about your ex when you feel yourself having nice thoughts about him think about something else that is good instead. But its really hard. I am so consumed with getting him back it is all I can think of. When I go out all I do is look at other guys and compare them to him and I realise how gorgeous and amazing he is compared to everyone else. All I think about is how he is suppose to there with me. I wake up and realise I spent all night having dreams about him and I still occasionally have my outbursts of crying. I am trying to do everything. I am going out and I am excersing (though I could be doing more) I have been working on how i look, I have spent so much money on clothes and getting my hair done and makeup and the works but I am scared that I would of done it all for nothing. I have spent more money than I should of and I already felt ok within myself. I dont want to end up without him and poor in a months time I am also sick now so I cant really go out as much as I would like too so I am stuck inside thinking of him. We have been broken up for a month now, usually I get over guys in 2 weeks. but its not happening. I keep thinking why is this happening, this is us. He was talking about us getting a place together only a month ago and now I have to stop myself from referring to him as my boyfriend. I am also scared about our first date. So scared because I have put so much effort into this and I feel like the chances of him throwing it back into my face are higher for some reason. I also need to know that I am doing everything ok. Am I contacting him too much? tips on when i meet him? (I know he wants to hang out with me anyway)