dias

Thanks 🙂 Yes she is the last living grandparent I have. She has had quite a life. Guns are awesome, I really really like shooting, especially with a rifle. I went again yesterday. I asked the instructor to take me a couple of pictures (after the shooting with no bullets - during the shooting is not allowed as mistakes can happen). As you can see I look pretty happy hahaha. I thought only the feeling of success and the feeling you get from exercising are better than sex. I am adding shooting now. I competed with my cousin. He beat me on the rifle and pistol challenges, I beat him on the shotgun challenge. I found the knack to the shotgun hahaha. However, I love the rifle, being in the middle of nowhere in nature, listening to the trees rustle in the wind, watching through the scope, aiming the target and pulling the trigger... Those furtive moments of hyperfocus feel like an orgasm. The noise when you reload the gun watching the casings eject....It's just amazing!!!! You have to try it sometime. And it's far, far away from computers and screens....

I believe no matter if you are an employee/colleague/friend/whatever saying you appreciate something on someone is, aside from "nice", management 101. It's actually detrimental not to do it. Unless of course you don't want the person which might be the case, I really don't know. Not that I care hahaha

I had to get one week annual leave left from last year. I came to Poland to see my grandma. I visited Warsaw briefly. It's a modern metropolitan city. It has the old city but a large part is modern skyscrapers hosting offices. You can see all the American brands and high-tech/financial conglomerates. I went to the shooting range today. I shot with a pistol, a shotgun and two rifles (one of which was AK-47). I love guns in general with rifles being my favorites. I had one headshot, not bad. I had the most success with AK-47, the other rifle was very heavy and couldn't hold it very stable for long. I liked the pistol, the shotgun is fun but not my preference. I might start going to the shooting range more often, I really like it.

I had my first review at work yesterday. Certainly I wasn't satisfied. Overall, it sounded like slightly positive, it felt like borderline pass. No signs of appreciation whatsoever. At least in the 🇬🇧 there was some recognition and appreciation for my work. Sure, you wouldn't get a proper raise because of that but here you don't get a proper raise + you work is not recognised. Well, my fault. I subliminally expect to be treated like how I treat people. Sure thing...in a parallel universe.

Thanks 😊. Two reasons mainly: 1. What would happen if for whatever reason (they don't like my face or my work or the client doesn't like me) and I don't pass the probation period? I would have 6 months in my current position and then 2-3 months in another job? It doesn't look good on the CV at all. I have changed so many companies and I haven't stayed more than a year and a half in one. During interviews they still ask me why I haven't stayed in a company longer than 1.5 years. Like they don't know the reason. Most interviews are so fake, we just all play the part and I give the answers they want to hear because they won't accept any other answer. A small game of hypocrisy. 2. More importantly, it’s a startup. It would be ideal for my personality as I would mostly alone implement the projects, however, that usually means long hours and weekends. Which is fair I think for the money! But right now I haven't recharged as much as I want. I don't have the energy for this yet. Funny thing, when I said I won't proceed they said they can come up with a better offer. Well, for one time I resisted not following the money hahaha although they made it very tempting 😄

I had an interview with the startup which is located outside of Liverpool. It's interesting because I knew they really wanted me and I turned them down on the weekend but they emailed me again and asked me to rethink it. We had an interview this afternoon, 3 minutes after the interview, I received a job offer. It's for a Senior position and it's practically 75K if we take into consideration the bonus. I don't believe many people make this sort of money at my age outside of London. 20K more than my last job in the UK 6 months ago. I want to go back to my old company and rub it in their face. It feels like vindication. I declined the offer for various reasons although in theory it has everything I want. Anyway, I didn't burn bridges so we connected on LinkedIn, you never know. The interesting part is, I had 50 rejection emails before I got this offer. I know it's a numbers game but it's always so weird. It's exactly like dating, you know it's a match when the chick really wants you lol. The rest of the cases is always some lukewarm chats which result to nothing. Although I didn't accept the offer it's was great news. It uplifted me.

I was right, I know when I have this hunch HAHAHA

This is a fun podcast. Damn this girl looks like a housemate I used to have in Newbury (the only one I liked in this house). I could tell there was some chemistry but the owner of the house was her boyfriend so when our chats seemed to prolong a bit too much she used to get up and leave abruptly. Good solid guy her boyfriend, we actually hanged out a few times all together.

Yes I call her nona indeed 🙂 Cleopatra! That's a nice name, I am sure she was awesome 🙂

It's a beautiful sunny day. Finally! We had two weeks of snow and rain. I find snow and snowy landscapes beautiful but the sun is something else lol I met my Godmother at the Marina and we had a nice cappuccino/discussion. I hadn't seen her in 6 years so it's been quite some time! She had an IT company which sold years ago for good money although she still like to hustle lol. She has a lot of connections so I asked her if she knows a salesman in the IT sector who could help me get projects and actually create a business with me. She said there is no way any established salesman to 1)leave his job to start something from scratch, especially with someone they don't know 2)sales is not like coding, you can't do it on the side for many reasons. So this idea to find someone to partner is off the table. She suggested I write a CV describing the projects I have worked over the years and she will push it to people she knows. There might be a chance someone would have a smaller project to send my way so I have something to start and from there start building a clientele. Like a contractor. It might be a beginning. Then she said "these things take time it's not like finding a job, it's not going to work if you move back to the UK in a few months". And I am like hmmmm you are right. Meanwhile I had an interview on Friday for a big consulting company in London. I don't know if I passed the first round but it looks promising. I also had a very new small startup near Liverpool who offers very serious money but 1)start-ups might fail the next day 2)sometimes there is no cash flow, you might fall behind a couple of months salary-wise. So the second is a no. The first we will see. On one hand, I want to go back to the UK, on the other starting building clientele here as a contractor is much easier and the start is always very very difficult. We will see.... I walked by the marina, it's a very big marina with some big *ss yachts. Ideally I would like a yacht like the big one but I could compromise I guess with the smaller one lol. For now, I can only afford a 2 meter boat at best hahahahahaha. Dreaming is good.

I have a good feeling about the next couple of weeks. Fingers crossed 🤞

I like it, it's a good one. Are there any better songs than Blues if you want to get into the mood?

Either he doesn't like you at all or he is stupid.

I don't have energy, I don't have energy for interviews, I don't have anything which excites me, I don't find my job interesting although it's a good job, I don't have this zest to wake up and do things like I used to. I socialize a lot with my colleagues and we have a lot of fun. It's only those moments I have fun. Then I feel down again. I believe it's because I don't have any purpose to wake up in the morning.

I had to drive my mother to the cardiologist this week, she didn't feel her heart was working well. Thankfully she is ok. However, when my mother went to the restroom for a second the doctor told me I have to get her to a psychiatrist. He told me it's obvious at first glance that she suffers from clinical depression. I didn't tell him she does not want to go to the psychiatrist and she does not want to take any drugs. I have told her 10 million times she need to visit a psychiatrist but she says psychiatrists only give you medication which makes you addictive and does not solve any problem. I partly agree but when your quality of life is 0/10 for no reason when it could be 10/10 maybe it's better to be on drugs and at least enjoy life a bit more. We don't live forever, she is already 60. I can't persuade her to do anything, she is very stubborn and hell-bent on not going to a psychiatrist. I don't like doctors, I really don't trust them because they are like salesmen, however, in these rare occasions where things are so bad, I believe it's good to at least visit one. You understand all those years (except the 5 in the UK) the emotional burden of both my parents is on me. I have to be their therapist/crutch. It's a big onus, it exhausts me. Even when I was in the UK they called me for emotional support. I love them, I am grateful to them but having to carry their problems + my problems is very difficult.

I had a feeling 2023 would be a good year. Hopefully it will come true later on this year because so far it's only one setback after another. As the saying goes, it gets worse before it gets better. When does it stop getting worse though?

I asked everyone who could help me get in contact with salesmen but to no avail, they say yes but they never come back to me. I am getting frustrated when they ignore me. I need some time off. I need some time off to get lost in nature, always in front of a screen all day long, my eyes are so tired.

I have booked 2 interviews this week, one UK company, one German. I am getting interviews thankfully but then I cancel them. I am at an impasse emotionally. I don't want to work for another company, I don't care if I make 30K more, it does not change anything. I want my own f*cking business that I haven't succeeded doing it yet. I am frustrated with myself. I keep hopping from company to company and although the money is usually better it does not solve my problem. It does not solve my problem and I don't know how to f*cking solve it myself. When I worked at Aviva which is the largest UK insurance company, I had a great manager I posted about years ago. I left in 4 months since I joined for another job which is considered quite rude to say the least. We had a great chat and he asked me what would you do if you had all the money in the world. I told him, I would start a business. He said you would be a great manager if you stayed in a company long enough but you probably won't, you probably won't stop until you start your own business. He was right I am always job hopping because of that. I just pinged a manager in my current job if he knows any salesmen in the software sector. I need to learn more about the sales world and I need a salesman. I can't do both sales and coding, I mean at a professional level. I feel like women who are turning 40 and want to find someone to have kids with. I am that desperate although I know rationally it's not good guidance. I am prone to mistakes when I feel so desperate. Oh boy one of those days.

I am reading this post from the girl who says she will run out of time at 31 and I am like hmm no. That nobody stays with her. First of all, I think it's important to understand there is no "the one" or this sort of fallacy. Second, there are chances you will not ever find anyone. It's sad when you think about it, however, it's true and it's important to accept it. I've been talking to an old acquaintance of mine that we went to school together and has the same worries and troubles, I've been trying to understand how women feel when they can't find a "good" guy. Well, unfortunately, there is a harsh reality check here. When you are so desperate you are going to end up being in an abusive relationship, this is just how it is. No, it's not better in an awful relationship than being alone. I really can't relate to people who need to be in a relationship because I am the opposite, maybe I am lucky in a way I don't know. Now you will tell me for some people there is no option, they have to be in a relationship, it's their nature. True. And it's also true that some people always have to "suffer" that's nature's law too. Nature is tough in all of its forms. I want to say though (given that the girl I've been talking to lately is overweight), and I am sorry to be so blunt for saying out loud how natural selection works but exercising and cutting down on empty calories works wonders. It makes a huge difference, like huge. I have a friend in London that we studied together years ago. She was overweight, always on stupid diets, always couldn't lose weight, always her bad genes. I don't know what happened but the last two years she lost a lot of weight. Before you wouldn't notice her, now you are like wow that's a hot chick. And she didn't do anything crazy, a simple workout and right nutrition. I would say for most people who are overweight, getting in shape (for life) makes a huge difference. Solve this issue first, then worry about the other stuff. I am the most understanding person when it comes to weight as I was overweight at school. But this is the harsh reality, notably for women. And to be honest getting in shape is quite easy with little self discipline, we are not talking about building spacecrafts.

Like and subscribe please, 29 subscribers to go for 100!! PS. You don't need to understand, just subscribe lol