rich46

I guess my biggest fear also is that shes going to find another guy during no contact and no even care that I'm gone.

 

I guess I need to face it and understand thats reality, but it's hard for me to believe a five year realtionship could be taken away by someone thats been in her life for such a short time. This is really tough on me, I hope I don't sound like a baby, but this has to be the hardest thing I've dealt with yet.

Of course you don't sound like a baby...read my old posts and I sound exactly the same...that's why I'm particularly interested in your situation and is the reason I am replying.

Yes, she probably will find another guy. Doesn't mean to say it'll work out though. She may date a complete loser and realise that she has made a mistake in letting you go...? Who knows.

You're right, it is the hardest thing to deal with. But you'll cope and as each day of no contact passes, you'll feel a little bit better.

Can you advise me on anything to say to her before no contact, or is it pointless?

I think it's pointless, and won't have any bearing on whether she ever comes back. She may be mad for a few days or whatever, but I presume that you had a lot of good times in your 5 year relationship? If this is the case, these happy memories will replace the argument you had with her. But only if you do no contact...and stick to it!

I've told you before, but I did no contact (and still am) and my ex did call me a few times crying, saying she missed me etc. Obviously we're not back together, but at least I know she has fond memories of me. If I'd have stayed in contact, it would have turned bitter without question and the chances of us ever being together again would be ZERO. Right now, I don't think that is the case in the long run. I am going travelling in February, but who knows what will happen one day? You know, if we bump into eachother...

But staying in contact with your ex right now is not a good idea at all. Leave her alone, and if she continues to call you, reiterate that you can't be friends with her. Keep reiterating it. Don't reiterate it a couple of times, then go out on a shopping trip with her as that will accomplish nothing whatsoever. You must be strong and stick to your guns.

Thanks again for the advice, I sure you think I'm pretty thick-skulled by know.

 

What makes you think that shes already dating and sleeping with other guys? I'm not taking any offence to what you said just curious in what makes you think that.

Well the fact she has guys calling her at 3.30am saying they want to "suck on her titties" is a bit of a giveaway. Even if I'm wrong, my question remains...do you really want a girlfriend who acts like this? It is still very early for you, and you are probably in denial like I was for a while, but one day soon you'll wake up and think "To hell with her."

As you know, my ex left me with the similar excuses about noone to answer to etc. Trust me, this means she wants to go out clubbing and get off with other guys. Our exes are young and if they want to do this, then we have no option but to let them do it. But we shouldn't stick around in the meantime...no way.

Bizw,

As you know, I've offered a lot of advice already. I can't really add any more to it.

But each time you have contact with your ex, it's going to make it less likely that you'll ever get back with her. That alone should make you initiate no contact. I know you've tried...BUT TRY HARDER. Toughen up a bit.

Yes I believe she is dating other guys, maybe even sleeping with them from what you've said. Ask yourself, do you really want a girlfriend who behaves like this? No contact is a win-win situation here...you will begin to heal a lot quicker and she will be more likely to miss you. Where's the debate in that? It's a fact.

Be a man, stand up for yourself, and stop being used as a DOORMAT.

What other option do you have? Going out to restaurants and going on shopping trips is hardly doing much good is it? The complete opposite in fact.

But it is never too late to initiate no contact. Just make sure it's for real this time and you don't buckle so easily.

Good luck,

Rich

Who cares about exes?

That is quite possibly the best post I've ever read on here!

You know my advice since we've PM'd quite a bit recently. Basically your situation is extremely similar to mine.

So she was 15 when she first started going out with you? That is young. My ex was a little older (18 ) but she was quiet and so had never experienced the 'fun, single life.' In fact, it is quite common for girls in their early 20s to want to play the field a little, especially if they have been in a long term relationship. My ex even said that she didn't want to reach 30 and regret not going out and doing 'single' things while she was still young.

I hate it how exes give us a tiny bit of (false) hope. My ex did the same. "Who knows what the future will hold?" she said. "There is always hope" she said. "I'm not making any promises, but I've been thinking about you a lot recently" she said.

Looking back, I'm so glad I ignored these selfish statements and went ahead with the no contact. She also said that our break up wasn't about other blokes, she just wanted to be single for a while. Well she called me about 4 weeks ago in a complete state...she did have a new boyfriend but he hadn't been treating her very well. Truth is, we have to let them make their own mistakes. We can't be used as an emotional back up, or doormat.

My point is, take everything your ex is saying with a massive pinch of salt. A lot of dumpers seem to be very selfish (intentionally or otherwise) and they only think about themselves. It's called having your cake and eating it. i.e. having a heartbroken ex waiting in the wings, while she goes out clubbing doing all kinds of things with all kinds of guys.

Don't let it happen.

Take care,

Rich

You are a prize to be pursued, you are a person of value. You are the opportunity of a lifetime for them, and if they are not prepared to value this opportunity, they don't deserve it.

Great point...that's how I look at it now. It's hard to say it without sounding big headed, but I think my ex has let go of something good, and she'll have to live with that. She even said as much when we last spoke about a month ago.

I look forward to meeting someone who will truly appreciate this "prize"...!

Thanks!

During week three we decided to go out to dinner, we had a blast. She asked if we could be together again but I knew she was caught up in the moment and it turns out she was. Either way we still had a great time and slept together that night. Later in the week we got together again and had a good time also. Aside from these two days we were together she was still out with her friends every night and hanging out with other guys.

Wow your ex has a great deal here doesn't she? While you're the one who continues to get hurt. Have some dignity and don't let her come round for sex whenever she wants...you're worth more than that.

Read my reply from a couple of weeks ago. In fact, read the whole thread again and again and eventually it might sink in:

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the first birthday i got him a helicopter flying lesson, the second year a trip to madrid, the list goes on but now he has no gf to get him any more cool christmas and birthday presents! HAH!

 

your ex's rebound is bound to get her something crap like a bottle of perfume cos he doesnt know her like you do and when she gets that bottle of perfume she will be raging and remembering how thoughtfu your presents were!!

 

last Christmas by wham should be covered by the Buzzc*cks and then it could be quite a cool angry break up song!!

I don't even know if she's still with her rebound, and to be quite honest, I don't care! I'll be a good few thousand miles away come February anyway!

You certainly bought him some good presents...such a shame that he won't be getting anything anywhere near as good this year! Sorry, I'm in a devious mood today! \

I'd pay to hear The Buzzc*cks do Last Christmas! I think my favourite lyrics are on "What Do I Get?" Reading them may sound depressing, but playing it loud is quite the opposite!

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What Do I Get?

 

I just want a lover like any other

What do I get

I only want a friend who will stay to the end

What do I get

 

What do I get

Oh oh what do I get

What do I get

Oh oh what do I get

 

I'm in distress I need a caress

What do I get

I'm not on the make I just need a break

What do I get

 

What do I get

Oh oh what do I get

What do I get

Oh oh what do I get

 

I only get sleepless nights

Alone here in my half-empty bed

For you things seem to turn out right

I wish they'd only happen to me instead

 

What do I get

Oh oh what do I get

What do I get

Oh oh what do I get

 

[sOLO]

 

What do I get

Oh oh what do I get

What do I get

Oh oh what do I get

 

I only get sleepless nights

Alone here in my half-empty bed

For you things seem to turn out right

I wish they'd only happen to me instead

 

What do I get

Oh oh what do I get

What do I get

Oh oh what do I get

 

I just want a lover like any other

What do I get

I only want a friend who will love to the end

What do I get

 

What do I get

Oh oh what do I get

What do I get

Oh oh what do I get

 

Well let me tell you now

I get no love

I get no sleep at nights

I get nothing that's nice

I get nothing at all

At all,at all,at all

At all,at all,at all

Cos I don't get you

when i was 16 my first love broke up with me and the Smiths helped me through. 13 years later going through my most serious break up im still listening to them!!

Yeah they were a great band. I actually went to see Morrissey live in concert with my ex about a month before my break up. The encore was "There Is A Light That Never Goes Out" and I can remember my ex smiling and giving me a big hug...strange how things change!

Needless to say, I still can't listen to that song without getting a lump in my throat! So I tend to avoid it!

I've recently been getting into 70s punk bands such as The Ramones and The Buzzc*cks...I would say they have been my "break up bands." The get-up-and-go attitude of these bands prevented me from wallowing in self pity for too long! 8)

Rich

How can people move on so quickly? I don't know.

My relationship also lasted 3.5 years and sure enough, within a couple of months my ex was with someone else. I tried to stay friends with my ex for just over a week, but I'm with you when you say how difficult it is. So I called her and explained how much it hurt and that I didn't want to have contact anymore. Maybe in the future, but it's impossible straight after a break up. Anyway, she called me a few times last month in the space of a few days, as her rebound hadn't been treating her well. She said she was scared she was letting go of a good thing in me. I'm biased of course, but I think she is!

So just to let you know, you are not alone. Our situations sound pretty similar. Unfortunately you just have to let your ex get on with it. If she can't handle being on her own, then the chances are she'll be the one to suffer most in the long run. I kind of feel sorry for my ex. Yes I felt angry at first for a while, but she jumped right in with another guy and I guess she is paying for it now.

So just remember that the grass isn't always greener, and our exes aren't always having the time of their lives. We build it all up in our minds. Listen to hockeyboy. It's been 4 months for me and I feel sooo much stronger for going through all this. I actually feel happy being on my own right now, whereas back in July I was a complete wreck. Stay strong and things will get easier...just focus on yourself though and leave your ex to make her own mistakes.

Take care,

Rich

Check out some of these song titles. My favourite, "If you leave me, can I come too?"

 

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Some good ones there! You can usually rely on The Smiths to produce some good ones too:

- Last night I dreamt that somebody loved me

- Heaven knows I'm miserable now

- Bigmouth strikes again

- Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others

- Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want

Strangely these songs don't depress me...they actually make me feel better! The Smiths were uplifting because they had some great tunes!

Check 'em out! 8)

The Road Of Love Is Paved With Banana Skins by The BMX Bandits.

How true!

your lucky you still have contact!!!!

No he's not. It is a lot easier having no contact, rather than having an ex who repeatedly calls you, but has no intentions of getting back together.

yes, starting a new hoby, or going on a trip sure helps. it focusses your attention of something new and exiting, and before you know it, months have passed and the desire to hear from her, dimished.

I think that's the key. I'm going to New Zealand in February and it has certainly helped to divert my attention away from my ex. I have something to look forward to, and it proves that I don't need my ex in my life to be able to enjoy myself. I'm not saying you should book a flight to New Zealand or anything, but having things to look forward to is essential. It could be something small like starting a new hobby in the New Year, or going on a weekend break somewhere...anything really! It just prevents us from thinking that life was so great when we were together and now it is so bad...

It is only bad if you let it be. I've followed your story for quite a while now and I think you are doing great! I still get lonely too and probably always will do until I meet someone else. But that's natural, so know that you aren't alone.

I can't wait to put this year behind me and I'm determined to make 2005 a great one!

Take care,

Rich

The best thing is to walk away now with your pride and dignity intact. She will remember this about you.

Great point! I think that just about sums it up. I feel good that I was strong enough to call her and tell her I couldn't be friends. Looking back, I can remember hearing the shock/surprise in her voice. I don't think she was expecting that. I think she thought I would be so devastated that I would hang on to her friendship and allow her to use me as a back up.

Listen to the people's advice on this thread Bizw and you will be fine in the long run!

Rich

Yeah I think you handled that well. I must say you seem very strong considering it is so soon after the break up. Much stronger than I was back in July. You're going to be fine...just don't buckle and call her. It's not a game though. Now is the time to start concentrating on YOU rather than HER. Do new things, get out and about - you'll be feeling better in no time!

Take care,

Rich

Hi,

Your situation sounds very similar to mine. Back in July my now ex decided she wanted to experience the single life. I'm 23, she's 22. We were together for 3.5 years. Since we finished university over a year ago, we have lived 100 miles apart. She started a new job, met new friends, started clubbing a lot, got chatted up a lot etc.

So I sympathise with you because I know how hard it is.

1. Do you think that shes going to feel farther and farther away from me as she goes out with her friends and has a good time without me.

Maybe, maybe not. You can't control this. My only advice is to distance yourself from her. Most people on here would recommend no contact and I would too. It helped me SO much. I tried to be friends with my ex for about 1.5 weeks and it was too difficult. In the end I called her and told her I couldn't handle being friends with her so soon after the break up. She was shocked and the first few weeks were hell, but in my opinion it is the ONLY way...

2. Do you think that she'll find or look for another guy right away.

Possibly. But it will be a rebound and it isn't that likely to last. Again, you can't control this and it is best all round if you stay out of her way. You acting jealous will push her further away, and you'll feel worse. I recently found out my ex rebounded. How? Because she called me and was very upset. Seems like he hasn't been treating her too well, and she even said she was scared of letting go of a good thing (i.e. me). No contact prevented me from being hurt when she got a new guy, and it made her realise I wasn't some kind of back up for her.

3 Do you think that If I quit talking about "us" and just be her friend that things might grow back into a relationship if we get along well?

Wow I asked those things myself! Check my old posts from July/August. I believe the answer is NO. It wouldn't work because you'd still get jealous and your emotions would spill out eventually, and each time they did it would be another dent in your chances of ever getting her back. Trust me, you can't be friends with her now. How will she know what she's losing if you are still there to take her to restaurants etc? It's called having her cake and eating it. Be strong and don't do it - a period of no contact will help yo so much, and maybe in a few months when her clubbing phase is wearing thin, and you will be a stronger person, THEN you can think about friendship. May take longer than a few months though...

4. Am I fooling myself into thinking that things might work out in the future? ( Have you had past experiances with getting back together with a ex)

I don't think you're fooling yourself, because there have been some success stories on here. BUT for the time being, you should focus on yourself and making yourself a stronger, better person for future relationships (whoever they will be with). New hobbies, meeting new people, doing things not associated with your ex - all ESSENTIAL! You may have to force yourself to do things at first, but in time you'll heal and you'll gradually realise that you CAN live without your ex. Then you'll be less needy/jealous in the future...

5 Last and most important, what can I do to leave myself in a better postion with her than begging her to love me. I want to leave the oppurtunity for us to get back together, but I don't want to seem unattractive like I'm just waiting for her. I want to cut off contact for a while. What can I say when I call her for the last time to make her think.

Think I've already answered this one. Like I said, I called my ex a couple of weeks after the break up and told her that I needed some time to heal as it was so difficult trying to be friends, knowing that she was out most nights meeting other guys (and doing God knows what with them). Yes it was difficult to cut contact, one of the hardest things I've ever done, but looking back it was the BEST thing I ever did.

Hope I've helped somewhat. If not, read my old messages and replies, particularly the ones from July. Your situation is very similar to mine. It's true, you are only young and I think it is very common for girls in their early 20s to panic a little at the prospect of their youth passing by without doing the whole 'party' thing. And some guys too of course! So don't blame yourself for this - it's probably best it has happened now rather than in 10 years when you lived together/mortgage/kids etc.

Besides, if you do end up back with her, she will have no regrets as she'll have experienced the other side and you may have a more positive chance of a long and happy relationship.

To sum up my rambling, I would suggest:

-no contact

-new hobbies

-concentrate on YOU

-exercise (it will make you feel better)

-anything to meet new people/make new friends

Begging will only push her away. You can't do anything wrong when doing no contact - she won't forget about you so easily either so don't worry about that.

Take care and keep posting on the message boards because this place, along with my family, got me through the initial few weeks which were the worst of my life.

Good luck...stay strong!

Rich

hockeyboy - I didn't realise that your ex had lied and was seeing someone else. I must've missed that along the way! Now I know that, then yes I believe it is a possibility that she called for that reason. As you know, my ex called me when her rebound hit the rocks a few weeks ago. Seems like a similar situation. Why do they do that? Well in my case it was to use me as a security blanket, something to fall back on I suppose. Although I was close to caving in and reestablishing contact with her, looking back I'm glad that I didn't.

My mind knows what is best, but sometimes my heart still gets in the way. I'm sure you experience the same feeling.

Just give it time, plenty of time.

The fact that she has rebounded has not affected me so much because sooner or later, it will catch up with her. There were already signs of that when she contacted me last.

You and me are wiser than them. We appreciate that we need to fully heal and spend some time on our own before moving on to a new relationship.

We'll get there though. Honestly, 3-4 months is nothing and I can tell you're making good progress...so don't worry about it!

I'm starting to realise that there are some positives to being single, especially after a long term relationship.

Take care,

Rich

It's actually been a few weeks since she contacted me. Yesterday would have been our 4 year anniversary, but she didn't call. Good. Any thoughts of us getting back together or whatever have gone from my mind. I'm not worrying about things like that anymore. I'd be foolish to spend my time leading up to/during New Zealand worrying about her. There will be plenty of female backpackers out there!

Honestly, she's already with someone else after only 2 months. Why have I even been worrying about her anyway? No, I've redeveloped my tougher attitude! Sure it set me back for about a week when she contacted me a few times, but it has actually made me stronger in the long run. It's her loss anyway!

Rich

Sweetharmony - She probably looked in it because it was a little jewelery box that is hers. I just kept a couple of my things in the same box as hers, but accidentally gave it back to her with my jewelery in there. So I'm pretty sure she has looked in it. But who knows, you may be right - she may have not even looked in it yet.

 

Thanks for your help.

I think she'll know about it. Maybe she is keeping hold of it as it gives her a good reason to contact you should her rebound go wrong? Or maybe because you will have to contact her, and it may give her a feeling of power over you? Who knows, but be careful if you contact her, even if it is just about the jewellery. She may tell you things that you don't want to hear...whether you like it or not. I found this out when my ex contacted me a few weeks ago - it's like they want you to know about the stuff in their lives (even if you explicitly say that you're not interested).

If it is so important, then I guess you don't have much choice.

Good luck,

Rich

Rich - good for you!! It seems like you are very strong. Take your time with her. As you say, if it is meant to be, it will happen.

 

So does she still contact you?

Not contacted me for 2 weeks - probably because the rebound is back on the scene! Like I said though, I'm not interested anymore. It would just confuse me and spoil my trip to New Zealand next year. One of her reasons for breaking up with me was that she needed to be single for a while, yet within 2 months she was with another guy. Well there will be plenty of single girls in NZ, so I am starting to look at the future rather than on the past.

The last time we spoke she was crying, saying she was scared of losing a good thing. She's right!

Rich - you are right, but I still kind of wish that she gets a taste of her own medicine, but as you said, I shouldn't worry about her at all.

 

Rich - by the way, how is your situation? Anything new happen yet?

It's natural to feel like that, but just focus on yourself, because I'm pretty confident that what goes around does come around. It's only been a few months though...

As for my situation, no further developments. And to be quite honest, I'm glad! Her contacting me messed up with my emotions for about a week afterwards - I was thinking about her a lot more, debating whether to try the friends thing etc. It was a setback, but as is the case with setbacks, they usually make you stronger in the long run. I'm not ruling out being friends with her one day, but 3 months is not long enough for me. I tried to fool myself into thinking that I was fine, but I need a lot longer. What's the rush? If we were meant to be, we will be.

So I've quit stressing about it!

Rich

Who cares how they feel, or whether what goes around comes around? Don't worry about them, worry about making yourself happy. The chances are, your ex probably isn't as happy as you think. And even if she is...so what?

As long as I am happy, then that is all that matters to me.

Take care,

Rich