rich46

Since my ex contacted me the other day ( link removed ), I have been spending WAY too much time thinking about her! It was definitely a MINOR setback though, but nonetheless it got me thinking...

What's worse?

1. Having a bad break up which would cause a lot of pain and resentment, but would probably make it easier to move on and draw a line under the relationship...

OR

2. (My case) Having a break up with no animosity, although obviously lots of heartbreak. In this case, the ex is still really nice towards you and wants to stay in contact, thus making it more difficult to move on as there is still a niggling thought that you could end up back together.

What do you think? Obviously by the way I have worded the 2 options above rather gives it away which one I believe is the worse. However, as this was my first real break up, I have never experienced a nasty, bad break up. On one hand I'm glad that we haven't grown to resent eachother, but on the other hand it is making it harder to fully move on (especially after having contact).

I'll stop rambling now! Ultimately it doesn't matter, as either way we are without our partners, but I just thought I'd share my thoughts and see what everyone else thinks...

Thanks,

Rich

Thanks auburnslp and hockeyboy, I appreciate it!

Thanks kungfumaster!

You don't know that she even wants to get back with you! My guess is that she doesn't, but she wants to be on polite and civil terms. I think you are probably a little on the wild side, aren't you? A 6 to 12 month backpacking trip sounds like something a wild man does. If you truly are 23, I'd say make it six weeks and then come home and do something truly ADULT. Like getting a job.

Not true at all. This will be the first "wild" thing I've ever done. Maybe you should try it? Maybe you are quite happy to work 9-5, have 2.4 children, have a mortgage, then die. Personally, I want to experience things that are outside of my own little cocoon so I can look back in 40 years and think "Yeah I did something different." As for getting a job, I will be working in New Zealand for most of my trip as unfortunate as it is, money does not grow on trees.

I posted this thread for advice on whether to reply to my ex. NOT ON HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE. So as I never asked for your opinion on that, I feel all the more obliged to offer my opinion on this...Get A Life!

Thanks everyone else for your constructive advice. I did reply with a simple "thanks, I'm doing good" and so that is the end of it. I never for one moment said I thought she wanted to get back with me (otherwise I would have put it in the Getting Back Together forum).

Take care,

Rich

Thanks everyone! I did reply with a simple "Thanks, I'm doing good" and she replied with a "good x"

So that's that! Hopefully she won't contact me again for a while.

Scout and DopeStar, I'm gonna have to disagree with your last bit of advice. Basically, I don't want to be in charge!

Soon after our break up, I told her that I couldn't be friends with her as it was too painful for me. I told her that I'd call her when I felt more ready. Well, 3 weeks of complete NC passed and rather than it healing me, I spent the whole time worrying about when to initiate contact, why she hadn't broke down and called me, etc. So I called her and we talked for about 20 minutes, and I'll admit we both cried and it was emotional because I was basically letting her go and telling her to only contact me should she want to discuss 'us' or have any regrets.

Now I know a lot of people on here would criticise me for "giving the power back" or whatever, but it was the best thing that I ever did! I knew that she knew how I felt, and I felt like the whole world had been lifted off my shoulders. Since that call about 5 or 6 weeks ago, I have made so much progress it is untrue. Started a college course, got a new job, joined a gym, and decided to go backpacking to NZ in february.

I don't have to worry about what to do, when to call, how I should act etc. She knows how I feel and what to do should she have any regrets.

I'll stop rambling in a minute, but my point is that I don't want to have the pressure of being the one in control, so to speak. I've got everything off my chest (closure I suppose) and I can truly move on without any regrets or worries about what to do next...The ball is in her court!

Thanks again everyone, and sorry for the panic! The heart was racing for a while there, but now it's back on the road to recovery!

Take care,

Rich

Without knowing the circumstances of your break-up, I don't know what to advise.

 

If it was a terrible break up and she was horrible to you, then don't respond. Why does she have a new number? Did she move? If so, you could always text back (if the break up wasn't horrible): thx, enjoy ur new place

 

And leave it at that!

Scout, she was talking about getting a new number before she split up with me. It's just a new mobile number. I've calmed down a bit now and I'm gonna reply in a bit with a simple "Thanks, I'm doing fine" or something similar. It wasn't a horrible break up at all, but I told her we had to do NC as I couldn't handle being 'best friends' with her as I wanted more...

Thanks a lot for your replies!

if she dumped you, she wants you back, basicley, i would say no. i mean its been awhile for you and you seem happy,

 

i know this post is like 100 percent diffrent from my last, but i forgot to mention this part

She doesn't want me back, she wants to keep me just in touch enough. What she doesn't know is that I am going away for at least 6 months in february to the other side of the world! By the way, we live about 100 miles apart so there's no other chance of contact...

 

Thanks for your comments...keep them coming!

 

Rich

I would wait a day or two to call her, and thats only if you want her back. If your life is better without her. lose her number immediately.

No way am I gonna call her. If I reply it's just gonna be to say "thanks." I don't want her to know how I'm doing, but I don't wanna appear rude either. Such an insignificant text message causes such confusion! This is why I always recommend no contact!

Thing is, since we last had contact I've decided to go backpacking in february to new zealand for 6-12 months. So getting back together is not an option (highly unlikely anyway!).

What does everyone think to a simple reply saying "thanks"?

Rich

A text message saying "hi, this is my new number x hope you are ok x"

I was fearing this. Now my heart is racing all over again! Should I reply? Been about 4 weeks no contact.

Help! Quick responses appreciated...

Rich

It depends how long you are on this website I suppose. I'll admit when I first broke up with my ex, I was on here every 10 minutes checking for new messages, searching the archive, etc. These days I just check it a couple of times a day, and only read the messages that seem to relate to my situation (so I can offer advice based on my experience).

I don't think there's anything wrong with doing that. I can see your mom's point, but this site has helped me move on a lot faster if anything. I have learnt so much about healing, the mindset of the dumper, no contact etc and checking in on the site reinforces that I am doing everything right.

Don't look too deep into it. You'll probably find that over time, you'll be less inclined to check in anyway. It's just natural as you begin to heal...

Take care,

Rich

Great to hear that Clarabelle! Sounds like you are doing GREAT!

image removed

Sorry to hear about all your problems this year.

Here's hoping for a much better 2005 for all of us.

Take care,

Rich

I will definitely be working as I won't have that much to spend when I get there! I'm going with a company called BUNAC link removed so I will hopefully have made some new friends by the time I get there. I'll do anything though, whether it's bar work, fruit picking, etc - just being in New Zealand will be amazing! Some of the scenery I have seen in photographs is breathtaking! 2004 has been an awful year for me, but I'm determined to make 2005 the best year of my life!

Take care,

Rich

You need to understand how important cycling is to me with or without him there to understand it is not easy to just switch. It is a very very important part of my life and it is not something I can easily change or should change in fact.

 

No, I am not following a strategy. Honestly, I think we both want at the very least a friendship for now and that is all that we are working towards at the moment.

OK point taken. I still think it will be really hard for you to maintain that kind of friendship, but I'm sure you are aware of that! I'm lucky in a way as my ex lives 100 miles away and thankfully we don't have any mutual friends. Literally the only way I'll find out anything is if she calls me and tells me, as I won't be calling her! I suppose every situation is different, but I wish you lots of luck with it...

Take care,

Rich

Thanks everyone. It's so true. Keeping in touch does slow down the process of moving on. The reality is, if he really wanted to be with me now, he would figure out a way. I have to leave it at that and move forward with my own life. I was doing really well until this last week and then after emailing back and forth a few times, I feel like I took a step backwards.

 

This is a great forum to vent. Thanks for listening and all the advice.

Hey Trish,

I kept in touch with my ex for a while before reality set in. I thought I could heal by having contact with her. I thought I could move on and keep her as a friend. I was wrong and it was only when this reality sunk in that I could begin to move on FOR REAL. It's been about 5 or 6 weeks complete no contact and I am feeling so much better. I am looking forward to a new chapter of my life now, without my ex. I am going to New Zealand for 6-12 months in February and I'm looking at it as a new adventure, a new challenge, and a new page in my life story. How long can we cling on to the hope that our exes will come running back to us? 6 months? A year? The rest of our lives? No, we must be strong and move on without them, and the only way to do that is through no contact. Absolute no contact. It will be tough and I still have my 'down' days, but I don't have to suffer the rollercoaster of emotions that come with analysing my ex's every single word.

Take care,

Rich

I agree with Rich. You need some distance from this situation, Raykay. You are way too invested in your ex, and we all can see - with care and compassion, and not criticism - that it's not good for you. How much longer are you willing to put yourself in limbo? We all know why we put ourselves in limbo - so that we can avoid feeling the loss. Putting ourselves in the situation you are in allows us to maintain a connection to the other person. I hope I'm wrong, but what do you do when you wake up one day and discover he has moved on completely?

I wasn't criticising either. If I sounded harsh it's because I feel passionate about no contact. Even though complete no contact isn't possible here, the next best thing is to stop calling him and/or letting him call you whenever he wants. You say you "got some distance for a bit," but I doubt that that did anything at all for you. I know you keep saying that you have healed somewhat and you are much better than you were, but I would question that as an outsider looking in.

I know you won't do it, but if I were in your shoes I'd try and join another cycling club or something. Again, as an outsider looking in it just looks like an excuse to keep the contact going. In terms of your work analogy, if it was hurting me so much and preventing me from moving on properly, then I would get another job. Surely it's not impossible to change your circumstances to help you heal?

Or are you following a so-called strategy to get him back? If so, what is it if you don't mind me asking?

Rich

Heed my advice, it's the only way to feel better and not misinterpret things.

So true. Staying in touch slows down the healing process sooooooooo much, so I wish everyone who is staying in contact the best of luck...you'll need it.

Rich

I am glad you are healing, but as you said you have the odd setback. I am allowed the same, even if I choose a different path. Isn't part of being on this forum being allowed to vent your frustrations at times when you need an outlet?

Who cares when he was moody. The point I was trying to make was that it can't be doing you any good by staying in contact with him when you obviously haven't healed. Like I said, it's only my opinion. But just as you are free to vent, I am free to post my views so that other people get to see both sides of the contact vs no contact debate.

Take care,

Rich

This post reminded me just why I am doing no contact! Apart from the odd setback, I am mostly on the straight and narrow now. Your emotions have gone from one extreme to another in the space of 24 hours - a sure sign that you haven't done enough healing. I know you see your ex when cycling, but it really isn't healthy to be analysing the slightest mood change every time he calls...

Just my opinion.

Rich

Rich - I think Hockeyboy was referring to how long it will seem it takes for us to find the right one. It will seem like forever before we actually meet someone new who is the one, but when it happens, it will happen so fast.

I knew that!

it will feel like its taking forever but when it happens it will seem like it happened so fast.

I must admit, it seems like about 18 months since my break up, but in fact it was only 3 months ago (which actually isn't very long at all)! I think it's because I've experienced the whole range of emotions during that time, some of which I'd never experienced in the previous 23 years of my life!

and when we do meet "the one" we will be so happy and thankful our exs did what they did. sounds weird, but true.

Hope it happens sooner rather than later!

If your ex broke up with you and has not contacted you at all, then they are probably with someone else.

Probably. Although I was the one who basically said I didn't want to have any contact, so I'd prefer to think that she's simply respecting my wishes. Whatever she's doing, I'd prefer not to know. Luckily, unless she explicitly calls me and tells me she's seeing someone else, then I'll never know. You are right though, it would set me back if I was to find out she was with another guy. But I wouldn't be "back to square one again," it'd be a hurdle in my healing process but nothing more than that.

I have no expectations of ever getting back with my ex again, and now I have come to terms with that I am moving on steadily.

It's great to hear the progress that the likes of you and hockeyboy have made. We were going through the initial pain at similar times, and it just goes to show that time is a great healer. I know I'm not completely healed yet, and I wouldn't expect to be after only 3 months, but it's getting better!

Take care,

Rich

Well said herewegoagain! But seriously, would you turn your ex down if she came back? I mean, seriously?

I was thinking the same thing yesterday at work. It was such a long, boring day and the radio seemed to constantly play love songs that reminded me of the ex! What would I do in the unlikely event of her calling again? Now I am getting to the point where I almost don't want her to call as it will probably set me back again. Plus our would-be anniversary is approaching fast (31st October) so I am beginning to think about her more which I need to snap out of!

Great to hear that you are doing better though! You seem to have a great deal more clarity than a month or so ago - thanks mainly to your no contact time I presume.

Take care,

Rich

Thanks RayF, your reply really hit home with me! I have chosen the no contact route and I am healing quite a lot, it's just sometimes I question my decision to not be her friend. However, deep down I know that it's just not possible and when you said:

it's only making things easier for the ex and harder for themselves.

Well, that sums it up really. As tough as no contact is, it is a damn sight easier than having to hear how wonderful your ex is doing. The only reason my ex wanted to stay friends was to ease her own guilt, whereas now she will have to wonder just how good/bad I am doing, whether I have moved on, whether I have met someone else, etc.

Ated, why are you even thinking about this situation? Tell him to sling his hook, and move on. Something better will come your way, and you'll meet someone who can provide the loving and loyalty that you deserve. Don't accept anything less.

Take care,

Rich

Muneca - Nice guys finish:

 

a) Last

 

b) First

 

c) they don't finish at all.

 

Justify your answer, if possible.

chai714, why do you analyse things so much? What is wrong with being a 'nice guy?' Muneca was being complimentary, there's no real reason to turn it into a negative! Sure I agree that absolute wusses may get hurt more often than not, but being branded a nice guy is a positive in my book.

Muneca, in future will you call me a 'nasty piece of work' when trying to compliment me? Many thanks.