Age difference worries

Has anyone out there gone through this and had happy results? I'd like to know:

I'm a 30 year old woman and am going out with a 52 year old man. He's been married before and has children aged 16, 21 and 24. I'm constantly fretting that if things get really serious with us and we want to marry, I'll be denied the opportunity to have children. He's sick of kids and found his own to be a stressful experience he thinks he could never tolerate again. He also seems to be worried about "trapping" me, often saying that I'd make someone a lovely wife one day (perhaps not meaning himself...). I'm so worried - he's the first guy I've been totally in love with so I'm feeling vulnerable and a bit scared of what could happen. I hope there's someone else out there who's been through this and has a little advice for me.

Tracy.

Haven't been through it (yet), but can give you the perspective from an "older man".

If your desire for children with your man is there, do not enter into a bond without the same committment from him.

I am a 47 year old man, in love with a 23 year old woman. We have some hurdles, and haven't made any committment yet, but one of the biggies for her AND me, is to make a baby, or two.

I have four children, and empathize with your man's feelings, but if he can't commit to your wishes, you will be unfillfilled. If he truly loves you, he should be anxious to procreate with you. If he doesn't feel that way, you will be unfulfilled.

Hope this helps.

I, too, am in a relationship where children are an issue, and they are an issue specifically because of where the age differences place my boyfriend in his life. However, the specifics are a little different than your case, but my advice to you is the same as my own advice to myself.

Your boyfriend is making his position loud and clear to you. He doesn't want further children in his life. Frankly, I think he should be applauded for being so open and honest with you up front. It allows you to make a correct decision on your future with him, based on the FACTS of this relationship. Worse yet would be to marry this man, and THEN learn, opps! He doesn't want kids.

I'm sure you may be "hoping" that he'll change his mind, but you could be waiting a long time for that to happen, and all women who wish to have children know their "clock" is ticking... Don't create a future for yourself built on falsehoods, such as believing he may one day "come around."

So you have a decision to make: either accept your boyfriend as he is (knowing where he stands) and forego, at least while you are together, any notion of having children, or move on and find a relationship with a man who is willing to have children with you.

What is hard to realize when you are falling in love with someone, is that eventually SOMEONE WILL come along after this person who you will love, who will love you, and who can fulfill this need for you.

That being said, I will admit in my own case, I've decided to stick out this relationship for now, in my case, knowing that my boyfriend will NOT marry me (because I have children from a previous marriage). But I've made this decision because I've also determined that I'm O.K. with this relationship the way it is -- just dating -- for now. I'm not willing to predict the future and say I'll accept this scenario forever, but I'll be the first to admit that I'm currently as happy as a clam with my relationship JUST AS IT IS. As that's the important part -- you have to determine, is your relationship what it needs to be for you.

But you, as you know, are not happy with this relationship as is. I think you know what you have to do here, if you REALLY want to bear children. You know that won't happen with this man. but you have to let go, and being that you are falling in love, you might want to do that sooner than later.

I also believe this: If this man has been "bluffing" about not wanting children, AND he really loves you and wants to be with you, he'll come running out of the woodwork agreeing to it when you try to break things off. But I'll be you dollars to donuts he won't do that. Why not? Because I think he does cares about you, and thusly, he is rightly being honest with you. He respects you, and I think he deserves your respect back for this. And he deserves as well to move on if you are unhappy and this relationship is not right for you because of this issue.

Of course, many men, no matter where they are in life, may have the same opinion about not wanting children, so I want to also point out that this isn't a "given" based on age, but not hard to understand give the age-gap circumstance. Age and time have created a situation where he and you are now in different points in your life.

Sorry to have written a "book" on this topic, but you touched "home" with me in many ways. Good luck.