Apparently I suck at communicating...

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years now, and lived together for 1. I have relocated to move to his home state and I love living here. I just wonder if I'm making a mistake on a relationship that will never go anywhere. My boyfriend has told me several times throughout our relationship that I'm too closed off and I need to share my feelings more. I do think he has a point here as I am someone who absolutely hates confrontation and can be too much of a people-pleaser. It's my first instinct when I get upset at him to just shut down and want to get away from him/ignore him for a bit. I know that's not a good thing and I've been trying really hard to work on it. I am now able to tell him everything I am bothered about and stand up for myself when he does something I don't like. (This is something I'm proud of myself for as it's taken a while to get there) He now says it's not a problem that I don't tell him how I feel about our relationship.

However, apparently he's still not happy with me. He still thinks I don't share my everyday thoughts and opinions enough. Basically he wants me to "just talk more." He told me the other day that he has serious doubts about whether this relationship can work. He says he will not want to move to the next level with me as things are now, and could never be married to someone he has to always work to get feelings out of. He said this is something he's never had a problem with with any of his ex girlfriends, which makes me feel like crap. I'm really confused about this. I know I am a quiet person, but I've never been told by someone I'm close to that I don't "talk enough." He and his family are all very outgoing, social people and I wonder if they just don't understand me because I'm not like them.

So I've been trying really hard to just share every thought I have in my head. I don't know if this will be good enough. I feel so much pressure to change my way of speaking and my mannerisms and I don't know if this is even fair. I don't want to lose him, but I don't feel I should have to be constantly worried about whether I'm talking enough to keep his interest.

By the way, in case you're wondering the rest of our relationship is very good. We have hobbies in common and enjoy spending time together. We laugh a lot and have a good sex life. I feel closer to him than anyone else so it hurts me when he says he thinks I'm closed off or there's something wrong with me. Thoughts? Advice?

I went through something similar with my ex although you seem to be much further along than she was when it comes to communication. You're welcome to read my old started threads if you want what perhaps your boyfriend is thinking when it comes to these things and the frustration he may be experiencing. It didn't work for us because we were too different, she was extremely closed off and it took it's toll on me and our relationship constantly. We didn't communicate at all. Whenever I'd try to talk to her, she'd shut down.

I understand your point of view in that it's frustrating to have to "change" for him in such a way. It isn't fair to you really but forming good communication habits is the basis of any relationship. If you cannot feel comfortable expressing yourself with someone then every day can be a challenge. Every situation and relationship is different though.

Have the two of you thought about going to a therapist with each other? Sometimes having a 3rd party can bridge that gap and give you better ideas as to how to meet an understanding in such a manner if after all this time you still aren't seeing eye to eye on these things.

Thanks so much for your reply I do want to work on my communication skills and I know communication is important in a relationship. I always knew I had a problem with confrontation, but he actually tells me I talk too much about issues I have right now. He thinks I'm overly sensitive and get upset for no reason. Which is a bit frustrating because I feel like my feelings are dismissed and never validated when i actually am upset. So the same issues keep coming up because I feel they aren't resolved.

Did you feel like your ex was closed off in everyday conversation? My boyfriend feels like I don't share my everyday thoughts and opinions enough and he doesn't like having to ask me my thoughts about something. I feel like this is a much bigger challenge than speaking up for myself when I'm upset because it's an all day, every day, having to be aware of myself all the time thing. I'm not totally sure I understand what he's asking for. I think that he feels that I can't change this, and I'm not sure I can or should have to.

I may talk to him about seeing a therapist in a bit, if I'm not able to help this problem myself.

He thinks I'm overly sensitive and get upset for no reason. Which is a bit frustrating because I feel like my feelings are dismissed and never validated when i actually am upset. So the same issues keep coming up because I feel they aren't resolved.

Yes, this happens quite a bit amongst couples when feelings are dismissed as "silly" or not "relevant". As human beings, our emotions or feelings describe who we are. There's no better way to express yourself than to show emotion since usually that emotion is an unfiltered expression of ourselves. To say that those emotions are silly or to dismiss them is in my opinion one of the worst forms of disrespect. He needs to understand this ESPECIALLY if he's trying to make you feel more comfortable with your feelings...everything you do express should be taken extremely seriously. Communication is a two-way street and it seems he has a few problems of his own with it.

Did you feel like your ex was closed off in everyday conversation? My boyfriend feels like I don't share my everyday thoughts and opinions enough and he doesn't like having to ask me my thoughts about something.

Bluntly, yes. If it was talking about something silly then she'd be fine but she rarely brought up conversation and she NEVER talked about how she was feeling or anything "deep". She kept walls up around those things because that's just the way she was...as a result I felt like an outsider the entire time. If I brought up an issue, she'd just shut down completely and start giving one word answers. Wouldn't even get back to me about it...she'd just internalize everything. It's no way to have a relationship with someone.

I feel like this is a much bigger challenge than speaking up for myself when I'm upset because it's an all day, every day, having to be aware of myself all the time thing. I'm not totally sure I understand what he's asking for. I think that he feels that I can't change this, and I'm not sure I can or should have to.

Sometimes, we have the tendency to avoid the "real" problem and instead choose to pick on small things that are easier to swallow rather than face the overlying issue. I think there's an issue he has with you (or an issue he has with himself) that goes beyond just opening up. As I said before, I don't think he's communicating with you as well as he could be either. I would sit down and talk to him about this and have him explain exactly what he is asking for. If you're not sure then that's the only logical thing to do.

I think it's great that you're acknowledging this and want to work on it! If you're upset about something and you take time for yourself, what happens afterwards? Do you bring it up to him when you feel comfortable, or do you just ignore it altogether? I've been in relationships where my partner just completely ignores me and the problem, and believe me, that will make a relationship die a quick death.

Is there any method or setting in which you do feel comfortable communicating? For example, do you prefer to write instead of speak? Maybe to start off, you could journal about how you're feeling or write your boyfriend an e-mail that you send to him about what's upsetting you. Then you've gotten the ball rolling on the communication, but in a way that you feel okay with