Leo McGuffin

Wait, some conclusions where jumped here. Have you been a good eavesdropper & know anything at all about this girl, what do people usually say about her? I knew this one girl, everyone said she was a (censored). Guess what? She was. Do alot of people like or hate her? Usually if there's alot of hate, it isn't something people are being mean for. Through life, you learn to eavesdrop & ask randomish questions of people, creepy much? Well typically thought that way, but it works if it justs seems like it's an uninterested part of the conversation.

Oh sorry, Winkie. Forgot to answer: Yes. They, among many others come to me in my dreams. Got to love haunts..

I like the Matrix & Alice in Wonderland, interesting stories, yes I'll care to follow the 'white rabbit', as Neo said "Yeah, sure. I'll go." I'll read the book, I understood the KJV cover to cover, so not likely I'll misread. (understood, however didn't pursue) Albeit, you're wrong about what I give Therapists, you see: if I'm not jumping off the bloody walls or slicing my wrists all over their desks, they're hardly that concerned. (at least here) I delve very deep into what I tell them, as they so wide-eyed eye their watches or the clock on the wall.. "Well you seem " blah blah blah.. when they're supposed to be empathetic (pathetic really) healers. (in my area mind you, no-one else take offense) I'll never throw the ring, maybe cut it off & save somewhere: & if I'm naked outside rolling around: maybe I'll be comitted doing -that- I don't need to lie to have sex, & mainly I'm tired of the girls losing interest after awhile, when they're fascinated enough at the start &, this is what drives guys nuts teetering on the edge nearly ALWAYS: heh, -problems with females-. Well.. I won't go there. How's this for healing though?: Marriage is laughable: the only beneficial things in the world are pleasure & power: Take what you want & stop at nothing. Love is a farcicle pain people feel in their chests. Doing well? You said to look at the outside world: through experience: this is my summary. (there is no frustration in this, my comments) I don't work hard at all on feeling nothing, or the charisma: the 2nd came from my mother I suppose. But I will read the book. And yes, I think I will delve into fictional stories with some semblance of my personal life. Alot of them have been done before, but all of them usually modelled after previous ones 8) Well, sorry to disappoint those who so meticulously replied in attempt to help: I think it's help, I do. Art never really takes the exact form you intended, hahah. (I type fast: sorry) [PS-I don't need any responses to this unless any of you purely feel like it, it's gone pretty long; feel free to do whatever you wish?]

I saw a psychiatrist today. That was useless as usual. Actually, the question of my previous rant was more of a quirk of the mind than anything else. There was no emotional "need" to seek therapy. Therapists, even though I state my condition obviously, speak as if their brains were missing. Today I was told: "Well you seem pretty normal to me, so I can't really say that you're not." I do expect them to start drooling on themselves.. or breaking out in insane maniacle laughter.. Yes, that's why I can't hold a relationship & I have a plethora of such "positive" nicknames. "You aren't considering any illegal means of working out your frustration?" What frustration. I told them I didn't experience emotion beneath my facade. Are these words too big for my new psychiatrist? I said: What if I was thinking of illegal things? After all, I'm a sociopath by feeling. I have the perception of right & wrong, but like I told you, I don't feel 'frustration', or grief, or concern. "But you don't seem to really be any threat to anything." That wasn't my intent of coming in. "You really don't seem to .." Forget it. -end scene- Anyway, I'd like to say I value the responses if I could. (take it as complimentary, there goes that charisma of the mind trying to satisfy the social norm..) I would have to say, in the case of females, due to the socially acceptable form of male asking female out, if I were indeed female I would have a relationship (if that makes sense). But pertaining to the social norm, I guess out of lack of even caring I would avoid such a thing. I used to fake that charisma in highschool, but after the next death it declined further. I try every once in awhile, it's just impossible. They don't put up with me long, because it's a grueling effort to put up such a facade of charisma all the time. And what would you do, as a normal human being, if you dated someone & they seemed normal or charming, then it turned out they were cold & emotionless? I can feel nothing for these people. And sometimes it slips verbally. This is something they absolutely hate. I get the same thing, too, as far as fun nicknames. They call me weird. Hitman/Narc/Vulcan/Stalker/Crow/Robot. Many forms of obnoxious terms. There is no smiling through the pain, it was intense like one of you said, for awhile. But one day, when a girl betrayed me & I had the last ounce of feeling, it just stopped. I thanked her, she was confused. Silly girl. Sometimes, many times, I wish everyone had such clarity actually. I was mainly wondering, without urge, how I might convince a therapist of this, but I doubt their words could do anything, if the ones around me even heard anything other then the voices in their head. Such is said about how they can see into your mind, but they never even believe me. One imagines Hannibal Lector's winning ability to tell about someone, but the only psychiatrists I've ever been to are happily ignorant. Maybe I'm in the wrong location. All I know of being committed, as I committed myself once, is they don't help you, they drug you, they isolate you with more crazy people, & their therapy is as useful as a nail in the head.

Well I am alone. Lets see.. yes, utterly alone. But it doesn't seem to affect me. The problem is I feel nothing, sort of a type of schizophrenic if you will, yet psychiatrists all diagnose me well because I'm charismatic. I think the charisma is a natural but false cover. After all, I should know, I'm the spirit beneath this skin. To explain, I must go back. I knew a girl since she was 8yrs old, as was I, when we first met. We went around the world due to her 18yr old sister's generosity (& their family's wealth) to concerts & foreign hotels. When I was a teen, she too obviously, she was hit whilst driving from her highschool. I saw her die right there, her eyes even went white (due to shock or fear or intense pain, I don't know, it's not normal of death). It was horrid at the time. I sort of went numb, heart and soul, as it were. We were both in love much with each other by the time. For years as I continued on through highschool I was then a lone-rebel. I'd turn down even the idea of new friends. My grades declined because I stopped caring about life, I ODed without getting stomach pumped more times than I can remember. I took on a sort of emotionless personality. I treated girls like objects moreso than ever when I dated them. They'd fall for me, I'd become cold about it. I was slightly rebellious when my mother died, but this was a new low. I was intensely alchoholic too. (bottle of Everclear can't get me drunk anymore so I quit.) I have turned my educational life around, or at least it's going that direction. When I was 18, her older sister of 28 comitted suicide & I was unable to stop her because I was not there. Fortunate set of events my life went through, their parents I'm sure are about as numb. I became more numb than I thought I could be. I could at least talk to an older version of her before, now they're both gone. I have my gf's old ring with me always, I can at times foolishly fall for senile visual versions of her, but it never works. I am betrayed left & right. And Im not complaining, I know the world. People can cry, they can look like they're in extreme pain, they can be the most sorry wretched images (staples for urges to help humanity) and I feel absolutely nothing close to pity. At times I should be happy, nothing. Fear, nothing. Sadness either. I ignore insults because they're a waste of my time. Etcetera. I'm pretty sure I'm fully desensitized. I have the mental capacity to understand the difference between right & wrong & the consequences thereof, but still, should I be concerned? Is this a form of mental illness, should I seek a professional, & how do I convince them of the truth that NO, I'm not a perfectly sane member of society? Or do I just fit well into the glove of the actual cruel world we all live in?