When did I lose her!?!?!

I'm in my first year of University. I met this great girl. She asked me if I wanted to see a movie with her. We did. Later she texted me she liked me and it just went on from there. Through the months we hung out on weekends and between classes and maybe it was a bit slow, (this was my first time ever going out with a girl), but I thought things were going good and that we were developing some sense of intimacy. I'd say the peak of the relationship was around Valentines and for a few weeks after, we were kissing each other goodbye all the time and I was even sneaking some small kisses in the library. Also around this time we started to talk on the phone more. Then there was a week or two were we had not gone out on the weekends, and had spent time at the library with groups of friends as opposed to being alone. I was real busy one week with three tests three days in a row and an assignment. So then about two weeks ago she texts me she needs to talk to me. We meet up the next day and basically she says that she thinks we are better as friends. This is rattling to me, I mean sure things slowed down a bit, but but when did I lose you!! We talk through it and I let her know I still like her and I didn't mean to convey anything other than that. Obviously there's no big change of mind but I managed to get a small kiss from her as I said goodbye at the subway. Two days after I stay studying late so I could meet up with her after she finishes her presentation and we walk to the subway. On the way we are being all cute and holding hands, and she leans on my shoulder, and just before she got on the train we kissed twice - I thought things were getting back on track. So then the week after is exams and the only in person contact we have is with our study group which included other people. A few days ago she texts me she needs to talk. I already know what this is about. I don't want to talk about it on the phone so I message her on Facebook. She says she doesn't know if she is into it any more. She says she sees us more as friends. She says she lost interest after hanging out with me. She says she thought that she would be able to feel the same as before but that she doesn't. She says I say things that make her happy and then she "expects things to happen then they don't."

So basically I say I like her and I'm glad what happened happened and I accept it. We haven't talked since. I still really like this girl, and I feel like she says these things either to cover up that she just straight up does not like me any more, or maybe she thinks I don't act as if I'm interested enough, or alpha male enough or something. Everything was going so well and then bam all of a sudden she hits me with this. I just want to spend time with her - we haven't gone out in so long and I know if we spend a day at the park, or a day on the waterfront or something, the spark will trigger!! I feel like she is breaking up with me without giving me a real chance. What does she mean she expects things to happen and then they don't!?!? I don't know about you, but the way I judge situations is by what actually happens, not what I think should happen!!

Anyways, I'm trying to get over her because maybe it really is over and I somehow fumbled it up. On the other hand I can't help but still like her, and I know that if we actually spend time in person things might change. I still have two exams this week so I'm trying to study to keep my mind off her but it's hard, and I came here to this forum I guess mostly to see what I can express of my feelings but also maybe to see if other people have some input. Thanks for reading.

Hey man,

I'm really sorry you've been hurt by this girl and are left wondering what you did or didn't do. It seems to me that she "friend zoned" you over time and that does happen, sadly. Unfortunately sometimes, unbeknownst to us males (either because we don't take the time to listen or because our partner is vague or non-communicative) the ones we love have certain expectations in a relationship that we can't always satisfy. Honestly, and I'm not 100% sure, I think when she said "she expected things to happen which didn't happen" she may have meant sexually or otherwise. In other words, maybe you guys were having a fun night and she was giving you an opening to take things to "another level" and you didn't take charge of the situation. I'm one to talk because I'm extremely shy around women, even those who have shown interest in me so I know how it feels.

My last girlfriend was nearly the same way. Extremely interested at first (even though we didn't kiss until our third date) and then cooled off quickly. Pretty soon, she gave me the same treatment, telling me she liked things about me and liked how nice I was but overall only saw me as a friend. I tried to make things work and so did she (supposedly) but after a while, I realized it was nothing I did and it could be the same in your case. You can't always please everyone but it's not an indictment on you. You and her may have completely different understandings or expectations for what makes a relationship compared to a friendship and that can be a common problem. Unless you communicate better in the future (or she does, or whomever you're with in the future), this may continue to be a problem.

I wish you the best, man

Hey sonicfan, thanks for the reply, really. I thought that maybe I wrote too much and no one would bother to read and reply, but I found your reply very thoughtful and helpful. What you are describing seems to match up with what happened. I think I may have missed some small cues to take it to another level, I may have been busy and I am also quite shy and introverted and so I often default to inactivity when I don't know what to do. I want to try and make it work with this girl but I have to be realistic and accept that maybe we are just not compatible on that level.

I am going to wait until exams are over on Friday, and then I plan on calling her and asking if she would like to meet up and just talk about things. If that does not go well then so be it, moving on looks difficult (I have never been in this or a similar situation before) but obviously it's something I need to accept and just learn from.

All the best to you as well man