Used and not appreciated. Finally I said NO. But...

I have a friend. We got close quickly and spent lots of time together. Soon after there was an argument and it (she) got nasty. (I can go into details if anyone is curious).

During our friendship both before and after the fight she would on occasion need favors from me, and I was always there to help, at the time I never minded, was happy to help her. In fact most of the time it was me that offered the help without her even asking. Not that she was shy about asking either! Once she asked me to drive 12 miles to her and back because she'd left her keys in her office (she could have asked other people that lived right there...). I never complained a bit and drove 24 miles just to help her out. Another day I suddenly got a call and she needed to be picked up again and driven to a train station close by me, because she was late (another 30 mile trip for me).

After the fight nothing was the same again, though I still kept doing her favors whenever she asked, and I offered them usually without her needing to ask. Recently I needed a favor from her. I needed to copy her office keys so I asked if I can have them overnight to copy and bring back. She asked what time in the morning will I be back, she wants to be in at 9 AM. I said sure, I can do that. Then she had some other excuse and ended up not giving me the keys. This went on for about a week, every day me asking if I can have them. Finally another friend helped me out. By the way, she is NEVER in at 9 AM. And during that week she never came in before 10 even, usually around noon, whereas I am usually as early as 8 or 7:30.

It wasn't just this incident alone, but after that week I was really angry and annoyed. I had just recently driven her another 20 miles so she could finally(!) get her car (yeaay no longer taxi driver here). I promised myself that day that I would never do her a favor again. That I would be polite but distant, and not be walked over.

Only 10 days after, I get a call on my cell. When I see her name I just know she wants a favor. I think that is a signal and proof right there, that I KNOW. Don't you think so?

Anyway I answer and she asks can I sleep over tonight? She says she has some problems with her roommates and they kicked her out, but doesn't go into much detail. I tell her my place is not available because bla bla (even though it is) and ask her what went wrong and still listen to her and suggest other options. I tell her if I think of anything I will call and we hang up.

I feel good and I know I did the right thing. But I feel a little bad about the fact that I feel good. I have no doubt I did the right thing, but my problem is that I feel happy that she is in trouble and for the first time she cannot rely on me.

I'd like to hear your thoughts or similar experiences...

(Damn I wish I could tell the whole story in detail, but is would be so much longer)

I was like this too, except with a bad friend. Whenever I needed a shoulder, she would say she was busy. However, whenever she needed a shoulder, I was always there. I just cut her off though, waiting around for her to need me so I can reject her isn't my cup of tea. I'm not patient enough! I usually just cut them off and that's my way of hurting them back without doing anything questionable.

Good for you though, it's hard to not give in and just help. It's just my nature as well. I tend to offer people help and well, you know the saying "you give them an inch, they take a mile?" sad but true.

LESSON learned: Don't do favours for free. People don't value anything that's too easy. Even if you'll do it, be hesitant, then make sure they know it's a FAVOUR and that they better appreciate it!

Thank you. Knowing that other people have went through similar things actually makes it feel better. I had started feeling like a loser. Like I was used. I wasn't really waiting aroudn for her to need me so I could cut her off. I never cut her off, even still. I had actually decided recently before this happened that I would keep a distance. I would STOP doing and offering favors. I felt it so strongly I wrote a long note to myself in a notebook about my feelings and what I should do about this. And just 10 days after she calls. After my phone call with her and telling her NO, I opened up my notebook and read all that I had written that day. And I felt better.

I think you are right when you say :

LESSON learned: Don't do favours for free. People don't value anything that's too easy. Even if you'll do it, be hesitant, then make sure they know it's a FAVOUR and that they better appreciate it!

But it kind of makes me sad. I wish it wasn't like that. I wish people weren't like that.

You can do favors for free, just not with friend, and not with this type of person.

I had two friends like that. I was always give, give, give, give! No matter what. But they weren't always so receptive when I needed help. One particular friend was ALWAYS asking me to bail her out of trouble with her boyfriend. They were constantly fighting, he always made her cry. I was always there to pick up the pieces and give her advice, which she promptly ignored.

Eventually I told her I felt used, and she blew up at me. Didnt talk to her for months. And honestly, didn't miss her too much. Lately we've been exchanging pleasantries and it's fine, but she'll never be my "BFF" again.

Talk to her about it, she might change. If not, you wont' miss her. Trust me.

You can do favors for free, just not with friend, and not with this type of person.

 

I had two friends like that. I was always give, give, give, give! No matter what. But they weren't always so receptive when I needed help. One particular friend was ALWAYS asking me to bail her out of trouble with her boyfriend. They were constantly fighting, he always made her cry. I was always there to pick up the pieces and give her advice, which she promptly ignored.

 

Eventually I told her I felt used, and she blew up at me. Didnt talk to her for months. And honestly, didn't miss her too much. Lately we've been exchanging pleasantries and it's fine, but she'll never be my "BFF" again.

 

Talk to her about it, she might change. If not, you wont' miss her. Trust me.

Well you are right, I have never talked to her about it. But she is also very ultra sensitive. She has been known to get pissed off and 'hurt' because I left the table where we were having lunch together (just casual lunch, nothing planned, we took out home made lunch outside on a picnic table by the building we are both in. Mind you I left because I was scared of a bee, and she was aware of this!) So it will really be difficult to talk to her, since she believes it is me that does all the wrong things like leave the table (I'm serious she thinks and acts like this, there are other examples). So I don't really know if I WANT to talk about this. I don't want to need to say it. She should know better. Shes 30 something years old.

I have just really decided to be polite and keep my distance and never do any favors. I had decided this even before I got the call tonight (and written about it to myself etc I explain above..). I just really wanted to let it all out and hear other peoples thoughts.

From what you've said, it doesn't sound like she's the type of person who you want to be friends with, period.

I would still talk to her about it, because she deserves to know why you're distancing yourself. Maybe after she alienates everybody she'll reflect on what you've said and will decide to change.

Pulling away is definetly a good idea, though. She sounds immature and toxic.

I do agree that talking to her about it and letting her know why I am distancing myself is a good thing to do, and I would have wanted to do this under normal circumstances. However I feel that if I say things like this she will get defensive and even act in a way that may lead to an unpleasant quarrel again, and I don't want to experience that. Right now she is probably pissed that I said no to her, but she is at least not nasty or not expressing it. I'd like to keep it that way. I would help her if I could, but I am smarter and now I have my own interests before hers. I can't save everybody.

And something else somebody said - maybe it was you - makes a lot of sense. And that is the way I try to live my life: You can still do favors for free, just not friends (especially ones like her). I like just helping people out in need for no reason. I just don't like being used emotionally and financially, or other material ways time/effort etc. I just hope this event doesn't change my attitude in general but just my attitude towards her or ones like her when I can spot 'them'. Because I really like being the one that people can count on, or the smiling helpful face that will gladly help out a person in need. It just makes me feel better to see people smile, or sigh from releif. I'd like to continue thinking most people are good and not looking out to 'get you' or use in some way.

So nobody else will say anything? Not the hottest topic around ha

Wow, thanks for giving me the link to your post!! I totally understand where you are coming from. I started to get the same way, and i knew it had to end. When i saw it was him calling, i knew he wanted something. It even got to the point where he would ask how i am and what i was doing, i finally just said "im fine, now what is it that you need today??" I didnt notice what he was doing at first, but now i do, and it's done. Ima little mad it took this long to realize, but better late than never. Thanks for the advice!!

Wow, thanks for giving me the link to your post!! I totally understand where you are coming from. I started to get the same way, and i knew it had to end. When i saw it was him calling, i knew he wanted something. It even got to the point where he would ask how i am and what i was doing, i finally just said "im fine, now what is it that you need today??" I didnt notice what he was doing at first, but now i do, and it's done. Ima little mad it took this long to realize, but better late than never. Thanks for the advice!!

Mine never even said how are you. She would just get right to the point! I drove her around for a year until she finally got her own car (which I drove her to get!). It is disgusting. It was even so much more worse than this. I just don't need her in my life anymore. I love helping other people. People I don't even know and expect nothing from is included. It makes me happy. SHE is NOT included. I just wanna stay the hell away from her....So selfish, jealous, obnoxious .. she has SO many issues.

But the thing about it, he didnt care what i was doing or how i was doing, he was just trying to be nice, instead of getting straight to the point. Luckily i saw right thru that. But i do enjoy doing things for people, just not people who take advantage of me. He texted me last night, after i left him at the courthouse hahaha...talking about "can you please call me, i just want to talk to you" ha!!!!!!!!! Just let it go, please!!!

But the thing about it, he didnt care what i was doing or how i was doing, he was just trying to be nice, instead of getting straight to the point. Luckily i saw right thru that. But i do enjoy doing things for people, just not people who take advantage of me. He texted me last night, after i left him at the courthouse hahaha...talking about "can you please call me, i just want to talk to you" ha!!!!!!!!! Just let it go, please!!!

What a loser. Don't answer him. Last time she called me it was because she wanted to stay at my house for god knows how long. She was having problems with her roommates (no wonder!) I gave her a polite no. And she got pissed and immediately started talking behind my back She is distant now -- which is wonderful. You also have the other boy/girl issue going to top it off.

What a loser he is. Can we pleaase talk? You won't answer of course..right?