She wrote me today after no contact for the past 10 months

[GainingStrength]

My ex-girlfriend and I broke up 10 months ago in a rather ugly way. I was 26 and she was 24. We had been dating for 2 years. The time after our break up was very rough for me. The first 2-3 months were BRUTAL; I was reading this board hourly, crying nightly and wondering if I would ever pull out of it. I considered this girl "the one" and it was hard for me to accept that she wasn't.

 

At the break up we decided that we would not contact each other again; I needed to break free of chasing her and she needed time to get better (she is a recovering alchoholic). She had a history of breaking up with me for a few days at a time and then would always come back; at the end this pattern of behavior was starting to drive me insane; a person can only take so much rejection and the cycle was starting to wear me out.

 

But thanks to this board, my friends and my family I pulled through it. I am here today to tell you that it DOES get better. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. And as my mother told me more than once, "it's darkest before the dawn". I was doing GREAT until today...

 

She sent me an email this afternoon. The subject was "peace" and in it she apologized for the things she did to me when we were together. She said that she realized our differences and feels sorry for what she did to me. She knows that I won't want to talk to her but she said that I will always have her "silent support". She ended it with "God bless".

 

This email literally broke my heart a second time; it was easier for me with the closure we had before. This took the closure I had and reopened it. Did she want a reply? Does she deserve one? I don't know the answer. She hurt me deeply when she broke up with me and I know that opening the lines of communication with her again would only put me in a position to get hurt again.

 

Has anyone else been through a similar experience? I would love to hear from anyone who has. Unfortunately this feels like a step back for me; but if I look back to where I was 10 months ago I know that I've made a hell of a lot of progress and no one is going to take that away from me.

[Mar]

I am SO proud of you. You're taking the best possible approach to being hurt again, are being mature, and LOOKING OUT FOR YOURSELF. You are doing everything right. You don't even need an answer to this, you've already given it! You said yourself that it would be the same old story if you got back together with her again....so don't do it. You've healed (this pain you have now will go away, as surely as the first emotional punch did) and can get on with your life. I'm glad to see she's realized the error of her ways, and I truly believe she was just trying to let you know what an ass she'd been to you. But answer her? No, I don't think she needs a reply. She did the right thing in finally admitting that she knew what she'd done to you was wrong, and that's a great thing. But she also said goodbye to you.....that's the end of that chapter of your life, regardless of the "p.s." at the end. I'm so sorry you've been hurt again, but you've proven that you're strong, and can get through this one more time. As you said, no one can take that away from you! Just let her go, and say one more mental goodbye to her.......and then move on. You're doing so well in your approach, and your healing, and doing what's right for YOU. Now it's a matter of looking forward and finding another person who makes you happy, or being alone if that's what you need......but either way, you're doing it for YOUR happiness and wellbeing, and I can't say enough how nice it is to hear someone, even when they've been dealt the blow you just have, say that there IS an end, and that happiness is possible once more at the end of it!

[Stuck-On-Him]

Wow, I know how you feel. My ex broke my heart ,and I too recovered. Man it hurts like nothing else can. But you gott hold strong. I truley believe we meet people because they are their for a purpose, to help you throuigh somthing or to teach you something. I know how much it reopens a wound when you finnally come back into contact with that person. Because you love them, you hope for the best that could happen, but I say, what happened happened. Why would you wanna go back to her when you have finnally discovered who you are? When you truly are growing in life? As much as it hurts, you have to finally say goodbye. Keep going on in life, and maybe one day if life and God allow it, you will be strong enough to talk to her without, being drawn to her like that. until then I would just leave it as a note, and go back to living life. The problem in todays world is that people get so lost and caught up in their lover, and loose themselves. They find their identity in tthat person, and whe it ends, ythey dont know who they are. It seems to me that you have rediscovered who you are, and are moving on in life, dont let this bring back hurt and pain and the past. Remember, never waste your tears on someone who wont waste them on you.

[Wonderwoman]

I also admire your strenght and resolve.

 

I just wanted to point out something that Mar and Stuck didn't bring up. Do you think the email has something to do with her alcohol recovery? I've heard that one of the 12 steps of the AA program requires that you make ammends to people you've hurt in the past. The "God Bless" part is also an indication that this may be the case.

 

Not to say that her apology or the sentiment of the email wasn't sincere...I'm sure it was heartfelt. But maybe you'll see it in a different light if you realize that she wrote this as part of her recovery process.

 

As to answering back...personally I would answer back with something short, like "thanks for taking the time to write this. I hope you're doing well". Nothing more. Short and sweet. You've risen above this, don't invest yourself further.

[GainingStrength]

Wonderwoman... You might be right. I know that step number 9 involves making ammends to those who you may have wronged. However step 9 also insists that you may only do so without "hurting" anyone. I feel as though she violated step 9 in this case - I was doing great until she emailed; and getting her message hurt.

 

But you're right - this was probably just part of her own healing process and has little to do with me. Which hurts. But it's something I must accept.

 

Thanks for your note.

[Wonderwoman]

I know it must hurt, but it'll get better I promise! Consider this as a little test in your own healing process. You were perhaps blocking her out of your mind, imagining that she doesn't exist...but she does. And that's why the email has stirred up such feelings with you.

 

Just a thought...what did AA members do before email? A phone call...a face-to-face apology...would that have been better, or worse for you? Perosnally, I think an email (one sided method of communication) about something so important and so delicate indicates to me that she really knows how badly she's hurt you...she has a long way to go in her recovery, you know what I mean?

 

So be proud of yourself...of how far you've come...of how far she still has to go.

 

All the best! You can rise above this too!

[GainingStrength]

Do you think that an email means that it's important to her? I almost feel insulted that she chose email; it's such an impersonal form of communication where she automatically got "the last word". I don't know...

[mr_ripley]

She didn't get "the last word". Your silence is the last word. If you don't reply, which I'm sure you won't then you have made a bolder statement than she ever could.