Leaving My Ex for our Mutual Friend. Please Advise.

[100yrsofsolitude]

I have fallen in love with a friend of my ex-girlfriend. My former girlfriend (let's call her Venus) and I split up about two years ago, but we maintain a close friendship. Her friend (let's call her Serena), meanwhile, has become my best friend over the years, while Serena's friendship with my ex has all but faded away due to neglect.

 

My ex, Venus, has given me no indication in recent years that she has any romantic feelings toward me-- until very recently. The other day she revealed that she's given "us" a lot of thought and is ready to marry me.

 

The trouble is, Serena and I had just confessed our long-suppressed feelings for each other and launched into a secret, intimate relationship.

 

We don't want to hurt Venus, but if we are to be together, it looks like breaking my ex's heart is inevitable. Venus has always said she thinks that an ex-lover hooking up with the ex's friend is one of the most despicable, hurtful things a person can do.

 

The situation is also stressing out Serena, who doesn't want to hurt Venus but would love to be with me. She's also unsure if I'm really over Venus (who I dated for seven years, on and off). Serena worries that my desire to maintain a friendship with Venus (who has interfered in previous attempts at moving on with new girls) will have her way again and that my feelings will sway back to Venus.

 

I neglected to mention that I just confessed about the affair to Venus, who was distraught and near-suicidal, but soon convinced herself that the Serena thing was just a fling and that she forgives us if we will just return to a platonic friendship. Denial.

 

What should I do? I would like to maintain a chaste friendship with Venus while exploring my feelings for Serena further. But the realistic prognosis seems to be that that will just further hurt and confuse both women.

 

Should I leave them both, ditching a friendship of seven years (Venus) and another of six (Serena) in order to keep things simple while minimizing the hurt?

 

What should I do?

[charmed]

Hi 100years !

 

Firstly, it's great that you are nice enought to consider the girls feelings at this point in the situiation. I have a few questions that you should ask yourself.

 

1. Why did you and Venus split up - and is that issue sure to stay away.

2. Venus likes to be in denial about things - is that what you want in a life long partner?

3. Venus all of a sudden says she is ready to marry you? Is that out of the blue?

 

 

Serena is somewhat caught in the middle of this situation and mainly because of Venus' views on the friends thing. The only reason that Venus could not stand you being with Serena is because Venus has issues getting over relationships. Are you prepared to let that stand in your way with Serena?

 

Your choice is not an easy one. Get with Serena, and Venus is likely to take that one to heart and not be so forgiving - though the power of denial can be astonishing so who knows what might happen there ! If you get with Venus, you will be sending a signal to her that you aggree - you are ready to be married. Unless you get back with her, and tell her that while it is great that she feels that way, you are not ready to run up the aisle right now, but would consider it.

 

The is also the possibility that Venus is simply trying to make sure that you and Serena do not end up together! Look into this one!

 

I don't like your choices here - getting out totally would be the safe play of course, but you shouldn't feel obliged just because Venus has issues. If Serena was prepared to go out with you, then Venus should be prepared to live with that, and Serena should expect that from her.

 

Hope this helps some,

[100yrsofsolitude]

Charmed,

 

Thanks for the advice. Yes, it helps a lot.

 

To answer some of your questions:

 

Yes, my ex has long-standing issues about letting go in dying (or dead) relationships. She has what I call "abandonment" issues. She never had a loving relationship with her mother or siblings, and the one relative who showed her unconditional love (her father) died when she was 9 years old. She latches onto her boyfriends, many of whom abused her emotionally and took her for granted. A very fragile psyche.

 

She latches onto me because I have been there for her as a friend whether we or not we were going together. She is not in love with me, as she believes. The love of her life, another man, abused her and will have nothing to do with her at this point, despite the fact that she still pines away for him, under the pretense of being his "friend."

 

This summer, as my feelings for Serena came to a head, I also spent a lot of time hanging out with Venus, whose main topic of conversation was the other man, the love of her life. But now that Venus faces the prospect of "losing" me to her friend (even though we haven't been a couple in years!!), she remembers this summer as some kind of romantic reverie between Venus and me. Revisionist history.

 

I am not in love with Venus and I am not prepared to throw away what I have with Serena just to soothe Venus's ego or fears or whatever.

 

But, as I said, Venus is emotionally very fragile and volatile. How to extricate myself from this situation without inviting a flood of screaming phone calls, unannounced visits to my house and Serena's house, suicide threats, etc?

 

I guess you can see why my relationship with Venus didn't work out, why I am no longer in love with her, and why I don't want to give it another try. I've been through that foolish routine too many times.

 

Thanks again, Charmed. If you have anything to add, I'm all ears, and grateful for your attention.

[charmed]

Hey !

 

Well you seem to have your ideas together there. I guess the simple question you have to ask now is can you be with Serena and have a "peaceful" relationship with Venus - and that goes for both of you - you and Serena. Serena has expressed her concern about the situation and might shy from a relationship because of that.

 

By saying "that" (Venus), "that" is actually the only problem in this situation. Her insecure personality type can turn very nasty when threatened, and any potential relationship is probable to agravate her resulting in a reaction of some sort from her. If you want to have this relationship, you need to neutralise any harm she could cause you or Serena should you both decide to do what you have every right to do. Serena is also in as awkward a position as you here too. She may want this relationship and be afraid of Venus's reaction and simply not consider the gamble worth it - and that is only because of fear from Venus which is wrong.

 

I agree that Venus should be considered in this situation - but only as a friend. She is no-ones partner, and is only involved at this level because of a problem she herself has. The question is, are you willing to let Venus' problem "still" stand in the way of your happiness??

 

Food for thought there I think......