Describe the importance of physical passion.

[real amour]

Hello advisors and advisoresses. Has anyone out there ever married or been in a relationship where you minimized the importance of attraction? I learned that women fall in love and then have sex, but that men have sex and fall in love. After 10 years with a partner, 5 marriage, 2 kids, I now realize that I need to have sex to fall in love, but not to love. I have never had that passion for my most wonderful man (great father, partner, everything), never that attraction. I learned to be more unsexual, since it didn't get me anywhere and I am very pretty, but scary apparently or I was going for the wrong guys

 

There are 5 kind of love so I figure I got most of them with my man.

At this point, I love him, but I am not in love with him. Was I stupid? Did I need to be loved so badly that I could not confront this, what he called our problem? He is the problem since I have had my eye on other men before marriage and in marriage (not a lot), but I always chose him since he was the smart choice, vs. the right choice, but I am in constant sexual frustration (where are those bloody pheromones here?)

 

Thoughts?

[DGirl]

Hi,

 

I have been with my husband for 9 years, married 9 months and i have no physical passion for him. I know its sad but it started to fade a few years ago, i just thought that was how life was supposed to go. Your with someone so long and the passion wears away. Was i wrong! Cause me like you, have looked toward other men before and after marriage. And I must tell you that physical passion does exist.

 

You should try talking to your husband about this, maybe seek counseling. You situation is a little different than mine cause I dont have any children. But one thing that I must say to you, since you are married with children, think before you act on an attraction because all it will do is make a sticky situation more sticky!

 

Good Luck!

[sisterlynch]

Of course we fall in and out of love many times in our lives. It is even ok to be attracted to others while you are in a long-term relationship. But what you do about this is what makes or breaks the integrity of a relationship.

 

I think that the answer is to find a sense of balance between how you feel about yourself and how you feel about your partner. I sense that you are very good looking, and many men are attracted to you. This gives you an unequal footing in the marriage, so you say that you have become "unsexual" -- so that men will not follow you home, you don't try to lead them on, is this the kind of thing that you mean?

 

But, being unsexual with your husband isn't a good way to treat him, is it? It is kind of like saying I want a puppy, but I don't want a dog. You need to get on his wave length and really fulfill his fantasies, or else you may lose him emotionally speaking.

 

What can you do to rekindle the relationship? Be more open with him, even if it is going to hurt him or yourself, this is the only way that you can grow. Let him make mistakes in pleasing you and show that that doesn't affect you too much. You can only ask for what you are willling to give so if you aren't looking sexy then what can you expect? Remember that men are visual learners, but once you get past the visual, if you don't have much to offer emotionally, then you are lacking in the ability to do more for him, so consentrate on making the relationship better for all of you, the kids included.

[real amour]

Hi. I thank deeply my respondents trying to help me. I have a great marriage. I don't eye anyone on serious level and would never leave my husband since with him I do feel I have true love. I take very good care of myself, dress up, wear sexy clothes (not slutty or anything) and previously yes, many men would eye me. This got frustrating over the years so I went with a guy who never looked at me like a piece of meat the problem is I never looked at him that way either.

 

The problem is that I continue to be that passionate woman, but I don't feel it for him when I feel that I have needs. He responds to my needs, not my wants. When we kiss, it's not like I feel that take me away feeling, I feel like I am doing what I should. Sex is a hunger drive and I am still hungry. I have tried to get him to do offbeat things (kissing in front of the car, back alleys, the couch, whatever)--a tired man with a big job, doesn't put out can I tell you?

 

Next time, if he wants of to get close in bed, I will say forget it. I might as well roll over and die. Romance and sex should never be routine, they are mind led and situational activities, not just a physical exercise. They say women need this variety, while men's arousal is simpler, more basic, etc.

 

I feel I need a man who speaks more my language also (he is French and English), but we speak more French (his language) and this makes me feel like things aren't real.

 

I think if I had an affair it would make me feel like I am not the problem. He asked me if I was satisfied in sex years ago and I said, well, sort of I guess. We should have split. Can relationships go on this long? My parents were pretty sexless and they lasted 40 years (my mother masturbated as I found a note after her death, is this better? for the kids?).