Beginning NC

[trooperbsb]

First of all, I want to say how much this website has helped me already! Last night my girlfriend of 10 months (first relationship for both of us) broke up with me after a rather large fight on Tuesday night. There are a lot of circumstances contributing to the break up. She is in her last semester of college and currently finishing her thesis. Although she claimed last night the break up was not because she was stressed I still believe she is just overwhelmed right now. She said she has felt this way on and off for the past three months. I on the other hand am at a different point in my life. I graduated a semester early and have been hired as a teacher at the local high school. I am at a very different part of my life right now and perhaps have forgotten the stresses of being a senior in college. She said she does't feel the "butterflies" anymore, to which I responded that after 10 months the butterfiles are replaced by a deeper committment. She said she doesn't look forward to spending time together on weekends probably due to it is another committment rather than a pleasure. And she just wants to be friends right now. All her friends, including roommate, felt it was one of the worst decisions of her life. When she left she said , "I just need some time." I did the beg/plead but as of today have adopted a firm NC policy. I already feel what many of you talk about concerning wanting to become a better person. I see the flaws in the relationship (I did last night and intended to discuss how we could reconcile them but instead she bailed) and feel if we got back together things could be even better. I interviewed to be assistant track coach at the high school today, am more focused and driven in my job, and really want to get in better shape (I'm in decent shape now but some long bike rides are an order). I do miss her and my heart is broken but I feel I am doing ok for day 1. Helps my bestfriends from college live 20 minutes away and I can crash their for the next few nights instead of an empty house. I have used NC before and it worked really well. I am going to enjoy this time apart and focus on myself. When I woke up this morning I put on U2's Beautiful Day. I really hope/pray she comes back though. How do you think I'm doing? What do you think of the circumstances?

[Lovestragedies]

I don't know too much of the situation, but considering, I think you're doing wonderfully. It took me about 6 months to come out of my overly depressed phase. I'm very glad you want to get back on track. I love that feeling when freedom hits you and you realize you can do so many things. Frankly, a red flag went up for me when she mentioned the fact that she didn't have butterflies any longer. I question her maturity if she hasn't realized that butterflies at this point should not be a part of it. I may be wrong, so I pray you don't hold that against me. In any case, I hope you continue to do well.

 

Best wishes,

Elena

[trooperbsb]

Thank you SO much Elena!! I'm not sure where my understanding of relationships has come from but I realized early on that butterflies are phase 1 and it is actually a sign when then subside and a deeper commitment begins. Like I said, this was her first relationship, I was the first guy she ever kissed (as a junior in college) and I completely agree with you on the maturity issue.

[Lovestragedies]

It's my pleasure! You can learn much from observation, that much I know. I'm sure the fact that it is her first relationship has much to do with it, but even so, that worries me. I know as well that butterflies are a sign of infatuation, which once subsided turn to deep understanding and then to love. I'm glad I could help.

[GoSox07]

Bravo trooper! It looks like it took you a few days to realize what it has taken me a month and a half to - life will go on. From someone who is in a very similar situation to you (although my ex just moved out of state last week) be prepared for ups and downs. Don't be discouraged that you did the whole begging/pleading bit - pretty much everyone here has done it. Good luck and keep us posted on your progress.

[trooperbsb]

So update on day two. I am still quite calm and feeling better than I was yesterday...on the road to recovery. I have thought much of it over and find myself not really going down the "what if" road. Yes, we had a big fight, we both said what we said, but I'm glad things were put in the open. I completely understand where she was coming from but right now we are different points in our lives. Her priorities and mine are different and I can understand where the break occurred. I am enjoying the time being back in the single world, thinking of her now and then but having no temptation to contact her. I put my heart and soul into the relationship and did my best. Yes, if we were to get back together I would be more understanding of her time constraints and try balance things a bit more but I would want her to be more understanding of my wants and needs as well. For some reason I think we will give it another try after graduation but if not, life will go on and I will fondly look back on our time together. Anyway, just wanted to give everyone an update. Comments appreciated!

[trooperbsb]

Well day three of NC was a bit rougher. I wasn't tempted to contact her but throughout the day, even when I was trying to avoid "dwelling", completely random triggers would cause my mind to think of her.

 

Many people here say their break ups came out of no where and I did too, but after thinking and talking to an ex who is now a friend, they really do not. I find out quite a bit talking to an ex, for whom almost the identical situation occurred. She broke up with me, I went NC, got back together, then I broke it off with her because I became immersed in college. She told me things that I suppose were hard to hear but were the best thing for me to understand how I can be. I now understand even more clearly why my breakup occurred. Of course, I hope with NC she comes back to me, but if not, I learned a great deal of what not to do next time. I do hope she comes back though, if to only give me the oppurtunity to show that I have a much clearer understanding of why she did it. I do think if we got back together things could be better but only time will tell. I think I may have a chance, Sunday I was getting homemade lasagne and birthday cake, Wednesday she broke up with me. There are obviously some conflicting feeligns on her part. Reminds me a lot of the movie "Somethings Gotta Give", where the main character calls past break ups and figures out who he really is.

 

Until then (if there is even a then) I will focus on myself, my job, and my life.

[Wandering_Sword]

Excellent to hear! You have the right mindset for NC, but it will be an emotional triathlon when you really start into NC (within the month). During this time all sorts of extra garbage start floating into your head. Be wary of it! Good luck and keep strong