Self harm or blatant manipulation

[bluebone03]

Hi all. I've recently split up with my gf. Shes a self harmer among alot of other things - and no I'm not being nasty. I just can't get past the real reason for her doing it. It seems that every time it happens its an effort to control someone.

 

Its happened 3 times to me with her, where I've said I need time to think or something and then after a barrage of calls from her as to why I'm taking some time WHAM!! she hurts herself and I come running. Shes even blamed me for the self harm - saying its becoz I wouldn't see her when she wanted...

 

She's cheated on me in the past. Something, which I can't get over and so we split up - but then, she goes and hurts herself the worst I've seen so far. She wanted me to come running, but I couldn't - not this time. She's in hospital under observation atm and has been for the past week.

 

I guess my question to the self - harmers out there is, you don't do it to control someone do you??? You do it to release emotion??? You also do it by yourself (or would rather that) As my ex will do it in front of someone - (she did it in front of her dad when they argued about something)

 

Do you think her self harm is more manipulation??? Coz it only seems to happen when she doesn't get her way is all......

[Mythical_Suicide]

It seems like for your gf its a way to control the surroundings. I used to cut to ease my pain but 9 times out of 10 noone ever knew about it so it wasnt about attention for me. I suggest you get this girl some help, she has more issues than shes letting on if she uses this to control people.

[Newo Ikkin]

She may be having troubles, and using it as a coping method also - you cannot deny her that. However, IMO she appears to be using it as manipulation, yes. NEVER feel to blame for it, or let her make you feel like the culprit.

 

This girl needs help, whether it is being used as a method of manipulation or not. She is a danger to herself.

[bluebone03]

she is currently in the hospital. she has been there many times since i have known her. Each time everyone runs to her aid. She will be getting psychiatric help at last. Apparently she was raped years ago - but becoz of the many lies that she spins, you begin to wonder what is truth and what is fabrication. She was on this rollercoaster before I came along. Her parents tell me that 3 years ago - she was the happiest person.

[Newo Ikkin]

She DOES need that psych help, a LOT. People can change so much, and it must be heartbreaking for her parents - trust me, I know.

Do YOU want out, completely?

[bluebone03]

I need to save myself - her parents told me that. She is also an alcoholic and has a 7 year old boy whom I will

 

really miss. I can handle the self harm, even the alcoholism if she was serious about getting help.

 

She said if I loved her I'd stand by her. However, I won't be able to forget the cheating and the lies. Last time I

 

stood by her when she went into rehab - and she cheated on me with a guy in there!!! She didn't let me come and see

 

her in there and got kicked out in the end coz they don't allow that kind of thing in rehab - thats how I found

 

out!!

 

Using my common sense and putting my heart aside - I have to move on. I have no other option. I told her at the

 

start that if she ever mess's around with someone else I'd leave. She has, more than once - and I've found that

 

there has always been something going on the the background.

 

I told her if you want that "free" lifestyle you're with the wrong guy, I'm sure theres plenty of guys that will

 

allow that kinda thing but I'm not one of them - she assured me that she wants a guy like me - and just kept doing

 

things behind my back.

 

So. I'm out. Its all I can do. If the boy was mine - I would be fighting her for custody right now. It's not the

 

self harm that drove me away.

[prizmpyxis]

As a almost fully recovered self-harmer, I can honestly say that it seems to me that your gf (or ex gf rather) is obviously very depressed and going through some VERY tough emotions. I feel that I identify with her a little, as I too would cut in order to gain some control over my surroundings, but I never once considered it to be manipulation, and I will explain why. Manipulation requires a conscience drive of what you are doing, so I feel that if she were cutting to exert her control over you...she would be aware of it and she would be trying to control your life in other ways. The thing about self harmers is that we tend not to think about things like that. With cutting particularly, there is always a trigger that leads someone to cut-for your gf if she gets in a fight with you, this is the trigger. If she really wanted to punish you or exert her control over you, she would probably threaten to kill herself, or say something like, "I'm going to kill myself right now! You better not break up with me!" but, she's not. What she is doing, is cutting herself and THEN telling you that she did it...and I think she honestly just wants help. I think that by cutting and having you console her, it makes her feel wanted and loved. Cutting is a cry for help, and she is begging someone, anyone to give her some attention and to help her...that's why she cut right in front of her Dad. I think that what you need to do is to tell her that you will always be supportive of her, but you can't be in a relationship with someone who cheats, and who won't get help for herself. I think that it is a good thing that she is in the hospital, because they can provide her with the treatment that she obviously needs. People who self harm CAN get better, I am proof of that...and while I still have bouts of depression and every once in a while I will feel the need to cut...most of the time I can repress it and get on with my everyday life. I don't think that at this time she should be in a relationship because she needs to focus on healing herself, if not for her then for her child!!! You should tell her that, and help her get the help she needs, but nothing more.

[bluebone03]

She needs help I will admitt. But I cannot give it to her. Theres WAY to much stuff to get into about it, I just want to heal. I have never told her to stop self - harming, I have picked her up and taken care of her when she was waisted from drinking. I stood by, until I found out about a "secret" internet site and a bunch of txts from other guys - ones that aren't just txtn 2 say Hi - if you know what I mean. O - and the guy in re-hab. Wot can I say??? without the cheating I'd still be saying "baby, we can do this - I'm still here"

[bluebone03]

I don't mean to sound callous - but wot about when she rings up and says "I'm trying soooo hard to not cut myself with a razor because you won't come and see me now" Bare in mind I was to see her in 2 days and we had been split up for 2 weeks becoz o the rehab thing (he must have left - she never wanted to say) - is that manipul;ation???

[bluebone03]

THEN after that - she shows me blood stains on the bed and says "thats becoz you wouldn't see me"

[bluebone03]

She lied about her name, age, child (didn't tell me at first - said she wanted to "hook" me first) that she had the house by herself - (she lives with her parents) I should've run then. This was the first week!!! She also told the others the same!!! I rang them.

 

She always said she controlled the relationship. In the end she said to me "I didn't think you would leave me" (after she ran away from the hospital and broke into my place.) I should be posting on a different forum I think. This is a master manipulator and liar. The post originally was about self harm. I appologise to all those out there.

[EmptySoul]

Self-manipulation to control people is selfish and cruel. It plays with peoples emotions, the people who care. It's not right. I self-injure and people who do it to get their way make it that much harder for people to understand the addiction. I guess I can understand the desperation, she knows that if she cuts she will get your attention, get you to come to her, but it's not fair to you or anyone else.

 

-E.

[Decado]

to me, it sounds as if she's acting like a spoilt child who wants to get her way. She has found that people come running to her side whenever she draws blood.

If she advertises what she does and uses it against people, then i think she seems very manipulative and cruel. I know this is/was your gf and i'm sorry if you are offended by this but i speak what i feel. Her parents are right, i think - get out while you can.

If she SIs infront of people, i dont understand how it can relieve any sort of emotion!!!

I definitly dont think that any of this situation is your fault. When you posted about how she said she "did this because of you", it made me furious. It's as if she's trying to hurt you!!!! and i dont think you deserve that at all. How can anyone blame other people for what they do to themselves - its as if she thinks you literally took the blade and cut her yourself!!

[zeusmoose]

i don't think that she means to hurt you. I self harm and although I tell my husband it's about him, it's not. I do it because I hate me, it's just not that easy to tell people that. However I used to hide it from him until he noticed, which he always did and then I would blame him. I've managed to stop now because of him. I saw how much it hurt him and it doesn't matter how much i hate myself I can't hurt him like that. It sounds like she's manipulating you.

" And I don't want the world to see me

Cause I don't think that they'd understand

when every thing's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am" Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls

[bluebone03]

She's out of hospital now. Her parents have drafted a "contract" that she has signed - basically outlining their boundaries and what they want her to do - ie: counseling/therapy and consequences for what happens if she doesn't follow through.

 

She gotta get it right this time coz her mum told me they can't take this anymore - it's tearing their family apart. The psychs at the hospital think that she has bi-polar and that she has been on the wrong meds for a while now. I can't go back to her because of the cheating/lies - continual LIES about things of no consequence. I really don't know if thats a symptom of bi-polar??? ANyone???