Are you SURE you can get over someone

[belissima86]

I just want to know if I will get over this person....and how long will it take?

I just can't help but get my hopes up when I shouldn't and I am in the situation where I can't avoid being around them (work). As it is right now the amount of time we have been broken up is the same as the amount of time we have been together. I have unanswered questions but I am tired of going to him and asking him because he can never give me a straight answer......I just want him out of my life but I can't exactly do that.

[MissTee]

Yes, you will move on!

 

It took me 6 months to get over my ex (we were together for 2 years)

 

You know how I did it??

 

1. I left the state

2. Got a new job and friends

3. Went out as much as I could and kept busy very second of the day

4. NO CONTACT

 

Soon enough I just didn't think about him any more

[caro33]

You will definitely get over him, but it's going to take that much longer if you keep being given "material" to mull over in your mind.

 

The way I see it, breaking up is hard, and if you did not want it to end you have a lot of thinking and grieving to do before you can truly believe you are "over" the issue. And even then, I think it's understandable, and even "normal" to always feel just a little something, whether it's hurt, hope or resentment. Expecting 100% indifference is perhaps a bit optimistic, unless a lot of time has passed!

 

The grieving and thinking process takes time, you have to work through your own concerns about being alone or rejected, and you go through the process of mourning the relationship you thought you had, or the person you hoped they were. I think this is hard enough at the best of times, but made much much worse if you keep being given new information to process. This is why staying out of contact is optimal.

 

It is also worth just putting this to bed. Maybe you never find out what you think you need to find out. I didn't. But as time passes I think you realise that finding a reason that you think is "good enough" is beside the point. The simplest thing is what is so confronting - no, they do not want to be with you. Finding out why can sometimes help, but it's not a way of resolving your pain. Continuing to believe you need to find out why they don't love you can just make this neverending.

 

There is no answer about how long it takes. For me, after 10 years it took me around a year to be okay, but I also had lots of periods of being fine within that year. But that ended suddenly, no explanations and no further interaction. Another one that wasn't even serious (in his eyes) that went on and off for 6 months, dragged out another 7 months of pain because I kept getting new "material". So I spent more time in pain about the lost relationship than I spent in it!

 

In your case how long are we talking, and does he let you think there is a chance sometimes, or is it definitely over? How long has it definitely been over?

[belissima86]

We haven't spoken since before Christmas but I also run into him in our social places too and I completely ignored the fact he was even there until a friend of mine commented on how he was staring at me, and then that caught my attention. For all I know it could be the fact that he saw me talking to other men, but there is always a chance it is more. The thing is that he is possibly dating another woman that was an issue while we were together, so it is hard to say what it all means, and he doesn't exactly clarify anything for me. I don't know if he is trying to make me jealous, or if he has actually moved on. I honestly feel like he is 15 years old sometimes by the way he acts with these things. I wish he would be upfront with me. Do you think I should try again to talk to him? I really just want closure once and for all if he could do that, at least then I would know.

I also wish I could move but I am stuck here for the next year and it isn't a big place to I run into him and his friends a nice bit.

This relationship was about 6 months, but it was probably the first one I really cared about, I liked him for longer than that. We have been broken up for 5 months now. Sometimes it's good but i just keep getting the feeling that I am being knocked down again and again, and it's a cycle that has been repeating for a few months now and I haven't seen much improvement.

[caro33]

Hmm. This sounds hard, but it also sounds like a limbo that you can possibly work harder to get free of.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh, I do sympathise. But I think that short of one of you leaving the shared work/social world completely, you can only change this by changing your own perspective.

 

Why do you really need him to explain himself? Are you hoping he'll come back to you? Do you really think there is a chance of that?

[belissima86]

I am creative to the point that it's harmful, I guess I can think up an excuse for anything....I don't know, I think he could but not if he is dating this other girl, if he is I wouldn't consider it.

I guess I need him to explain so that I can understand how all my work put into the relationship went down the drain, it's not like I sat there the whole time and did nothing...I just want to know why. I do hope he will come back, he is great, but we did have problems. The thing is I can't read him well, my perception is fooled up through what I feel....and I might just be seeing what I want to see.

[caro33]

I certainly understand what you are saying, but I also think that what you have here might be the perennial "why don't you love me" situation. The fact is, that for whatever reason, he doesn't want a relationship with you. Yes, that really hurts, but it's also kind of all you need to know. Whether he's with someone else or not doesn't really provide insight into his motivations and feelings for you. What provides insight into his feelings for you is that he does not want to pursue a relationship with you. Sorry to keep hammering on this point but, well, it's true.

 

The problem with trying to extract reasons for people not loving you is that there is rarely a reason that is "good enough". I know this from my own experience.

 

HIM: "I'm confused and I'm not sure" or "I don't want a relationship right now"

ME: "Oh, that's fine, I just want something casual" (quietly expecting that he'll change his mind, maybe he's scared of commitment, maybe he's poor at making decisions)

--> In this situation I decided it wasn't a "good" reason and so compromised all my own needs in the hope he'll change his mind.

 

What would be a "good enough" reason that would make you move on? Would it be "actually I was just using you and I really hated your perfume/cooking/house/body"? That would upset you and be terribly hurtful, but at least you'd move on. It still wouldn't explain how he led you on or why.

 

What if he said "you're just too perfect, it scared me". So then he appreciated you, that's nice. But would you want to move on then? Probably not. Maybe you'd want to talk him around why he should not be scared and why you guys are perfect together, blah blah.

 

And if he says he's "confused" as above? Would you do what I have done in the past and just hang in there and try super hard to be special enough for them to love you?

 

So my point is that if you have staked having some closure on something he says, you might be concentrating on the wrong thing. At the very least, you need to have a picture in your head about what he would say to make you move on. It probably should be more about how he behaves with you though, than about whether he takes up with someone else.

 

You deserve to have someone who knows what they want, and what they want is you. Anything less is you compromising yourself and not treating yourself with the respect you deserve. I know how it's easy to compromise, but ask yourself why you need to.

[belissima86]

Okay I undertsand what you are saying...but do you think I should ask him why we broke up, do you think it will help me heal batter and faster if I knew? And that I would get more piece of mind?

Or do you think I should just leave things how they are and distance myself as much as possible?

[belissima86]

I just feel like I am not getting better and I just want to get away, my sleep has been effected and I think about him still every minute it seems

[caro33]

Well it depends if you honestly expect a response from him. I had thought from your earlier posts that you had tried to get something out of him and he wasn't engaging. If that's the case, I can't see a point in forcing this anymore. Do whatever you can to recognise it's over and move on.

 

But if you have never asked him and you honestly believe there's a chance he'll tell you, you could try. I wouldn't though. I can't see anything good likely to come of it. Like I said above, you either get your feelings hurt or you get more confused about him. It's new material that you will need to process. If it blows into an argument you might also have a whole new problem at work and when out socialising.

 

If I was you I would make a list of all the things he might say, then try them on for size, see how you feel. I think that if you are going to justify opening this up with him you need to have good odds that he'll say something that has you feeling:

(a) good about yourself and about the effort you made in the past;

(b) good about asking the question; and

© willing and empowered to walk away and know it's over.

 

To be honest, I'm not sure what he could say that could meet these criteria. What do you think?

[caro33]

Okay I undertsand what you are saying...but do you think I should ask him why we broke up, do you think it will help me heal batter and faster if I knew? And that I would get more piece of mind?

Or do you think I should just leave things how they are and distance myself as much as possible?

 

Just to clarify, I think you are unlikely to be able to heal better if you get more material, full stop.

 

You may be able to heal faster if he says something awful, but then you get the pain of hearing it and you perhaps build doubts about yourself.