Saw him on a dating website

[breeze33]

I am still reeling with emotions and missing him badly. Sometimes I regret breaking up with him, maybe I should have been more patient or this and that but I felt it was the right decision even though we both still loved each other. The definite reason I broke up with him is I felt he did not feel as strongly and did not take me seriously so I had to break it. Out of hurt I told him I was going to start dating and when I asked him if he would, he said no, he couldn't, it would be a while before he could. I think he was taken aback that I broke it off because I always accommodated him. He was crying and very upset.

 

I thought I was doing pretty good after the breakup until....

 

It was not even 3 weeks and I am on a dating website and I check to see who viewed me. One of them was a familiar face--- it was him. He had viewed me. I read his profile and he had made changes (we had met on this same website). My heart sank when I read his profile because what he wanted out of a relationship exactly described ours, although with some significant changes like wanting kids (which I don't want/can't have).

 

 

I don't know why I feel so upset. I couldn't sleep that night knowing he was looking around so soon.....and yet, I was doing the very same thing. But he knew I loved him more than he loved me. I was also honest with him and told him I was going to start dating and when I asked him, he said no, he would not. He said he had learned to not date after a breakup but there he was, on the dating site, lol.

 

I wonder why the turnaround from what he had told me? Because this time I was the one who "dumped" him?

[friscodj]

Hey breeze-

 

Lord have mercy, this sounds like the part of the situation that brought me to ENA last year...scary similar...

 

I have a few things to say...

 

First off, I have been this guy before, a few times actually. Why the turn-a-round? Because he's hurting, grief has a hold of his better senses right now, and it is likely his world is emotionally turned upside down. Logic tends to go out the window in situations like this and trying to figure it out using logic will get you nowhere. In short, he's likely doing what he's gotta do to cope with grief generated from a situation that resulted from your decision...

 

Aside from that, the reasons for ending the relationship don't seem irreconcilable to me. Are these the only reasons? That you felt he did not feel as strongly for you as you did for him and he did not take you seriously? Did you address these together? Talk about them and make an effort to figure out the underlying reasons? Have you pursued other options before breaking up? You say you "felt" it was the right decision...do you still feel that it is the right decision?

 

But alas, here we are faced with this situation, one I have faced from both sides before more than once. There are two tracks here, either attempt to work it out with him or cut it loose and deal with it. Everyone suffers in situations like this. You feel upset because you are human. Your feelings are normal...

 

The mistake I have made before in situations like this was equating missing her and the intense grief and pain with "If it hurts this much, we must be right for each other." If you really feel like breaking it off was the right thing to do and still do beyond your grief and illusions like the one I just described, stay the course, suck it up, and keep going. You cut him loose and he has every right to do whatever he wants.

[breeze33]

thanks for the insight, friscodj. that makes a lot of sense now.

 

I guess we could have worked things out but there were too many issues going on, i.e. different goals, different phases in our lives, i.e., he was much younger and he wants kids eventually and I physically can't....towards the end, this relationship became too difficult and high maintenance for me. The deal-breaker, was after dating for almost 2 years, he never invited me to meet his family. They came down during the holidays and I hardly saw him.

 

Funny thing is that He is a psychologist and he told me that it is unhealthy to date so soon after a breakup. I guess both of us our illogical at the moment. Yeah, I do not feel ready to date even though I am on a dating site.....

[friscodj]

I guess we could have worked things out but there were too many issues going on, i.e. different goals, different phases in our lives, i.e., he was much younger and he wants kids eventually and I physically can't....towards the end, this relationship became too difficult and high maintenance for me. The deal-breaker, was after dating for almost 2 years, he never invited me to meet his family. They came down during the holidays and I hardly saw him.

 

Well, it sounds like you were done and there were deeper things going on than what you originally wrote. It doesn't sound like the goals and/or life phases issues were reconcilable. It became too much for you and you got out of it, there's no shame in that.

 

I am sorry for both of you though, 2 years is a long time...

 

Funny thing is that He is a psychologist and he told me that it is unhealthy to date so soon after a breakup. I guess both of us our illogical at the moment. Yeah, I do not feel ready to date even though I am on a dating site.....

 

It's good that you recognize grief has a hold of your better senses right now. You did what you felt you had to for reasons you believe in. Remember these points next time you are laying awake at night...

 

If you don't feel ready to date, don't date. There is also no shame in taking a step back from dating and in your situation here I really think it is best for you to do so.

[TonyMar75]

Hey, Breeze. I had to reply when I read your post.

 

My girlfriend dumped me just after Christmas. Within a week, after the initial shock gave way to the realization that this was for real, I was on the dating sites. I didn't necessarily have an intention of running out and dating. But it kept me from going crazy with grief over this woman. I was and still am in love with her, told her so, told her how I could change to make things work. She wasn't having it and now I have reason to believe she may be seeing someone already.

 

So, getting online and checking out the dating sites reminded me that there are TONS of amazing women out there and that, hey, a couple of them might just be interested in me, too. So often us dumpees see our exes as the best thing that has or ever will come our way, and that now we're going to have to settle for someone who is not nearly as good. It's a natural part of the grieving process.

 

Now, six weeks later, I'm still hurting, and honestly, still want to be with her. But I've been corresponding with a few sweet, pretty women I met on the dating sites. Of course I compare them all to my ex and so far none has measured up (in my mind), which says to me that I'm still not healed and need to give it more time before I date. But the sites really have been a lifesaver to help get my mind off of my ex, and I have a feeling with a little more time and patience I'll meet someone who will make me realize that as great as my ex was, there's someone even better for me.

 

I really agree with Frisco. It sounds like as much as you loved him, you knew it wouldn't work. I think my ex feels the same way, and I understand it's very hard for her, too, as it is for you. But after two years, you start to look at things through rose-colored glasses because you're lonely and mourning the loss of someone so close to you -- and the hopes and expectations of what could have been.

 

Now is the time to find yourself again and the new hopes and expectations that come along with it. Be excited about that! I know you can do it.